CHAPTER 31
Krusk
Emma peeked over her shoulder at me again, but her eyes were softer. “Really?”
I nodded. “But in the last couple of weeks with you, Emma, I’ve felt.
.. so much more. But I agreed that I would only be friends with you.
Friends so that you could be certain that I wouldn’t break your trust. You didn’t want anything more and I’m.
.. trying my best.” The words were torn from me, because I didn’t want to admit to her that I’d broken the rules that she’d put in place.
But they’d been broken the moment I’d seen her. The moment I’d gotten to know her. I’d fallen hard and I’d fallen fast. There was no going back for me. I couldn’t take any of my feelings back, and I didn’t want to.
She turned then, hesitant but with a smile.
“I felt more too, Krusk. But you’ve given me so much and I don’t want to take advantage of you.
I need you to understand that until I’ve fixed the entire mess of my life, I’m not interested in anything with strings attached,” she explained, searching my face.
I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. I didn’t own anything that had strings, but I’d be willing to toss anything that she wanted me to.
“Okay,” I agreed with a nod.
“I have a lot going on,” she said, reaching for my hands, and I took her soft palms into mine.
Fuck, she feels good. Right. Perfect.
“I can help you,” I told her, and she gave me a small smile, running her thumb over my skin for one mind-melting moment.
“I know,” she murmured, her lashes sweeping down as she closed her eyes, a small smile playing at her lips. “And I know that you’re doing everything you’re doing because you’re sweet and you want to. You’re not doing it so I’d feel indebted to you.”
I frowned. “Of course not. Who the hell would do something like that?” I scowled hard.
“A lot of people,” she laughed, but it wasn’t the happy sound I was used to. It was a bitter sound that had no place on her soft, sweet tongue. “But you’re not like them and it took me a long time to realize that. That you won’t hurt me.”
Her smile was gentler now, sweeter. “You’re my friend, and you’d never hurt me.”
I gave her a slow, earnest nod. That was true. I would do anything for her, but I’d never hurt her if I could help it.
“I have some things that I have to work on,” she said with a sigh. “And I want to talk to you about them. Maybe then you can understand why I can’t be more with you until they’re all figured out, okay?”
I nodded, keeping her hands tight in mine. I wasn’t willing to let her go. Not now that she was here. Not now that she was explaining to me what had been holding her back from me.
“My mom died when I was really young,” she said in a low voice, and my heart broke for her. I’d known the loss of my parents. I’d been old enough for it to almost break me, but I’d had to stay strong for my siblings.
“How old?” I asked, lifting her fingers to press a kiss against her knuckles. She blinked up at me as if she’d forgotten I was there, but then her eyes softened and she pulled our joined hands to her mouth to press a kiss to mine as well.
“When I was two. It was a car accident. My dad always said that I was supposed to be in the car with her that day, and that he’d given thanks every day after that because I wasn’t,” she was looking at our joined fingers again, and I wondered if she’d ever spoken about this before to anyone.
“And then my dad,” she said, shaking her head and releasing a shaky breath.
“He died a year ago.” She swallowed hard and squeezed her eyes shut, but not before I saw the sheen of tears.
“And Grandma... We lost our house,” she added, blinking now that she had control over her emotions.
“and I had to figure out how to make it seem like we hadn’t lost everything in the world. ”
Her laugh wasn’t real. It was hollow and cold and I hated it.
“So I got a few more jobs. I used to just do classes at the yoga studio, but it just wasn’t enough.
I couldn’t keep up. Hans helped me so much.
He knew my dad. When everything happened—” she swiped at her eyes with her free hand before continuing.
“He gave me the job at the restaurant and then helped me get into the Bureau. After that, I started dog walking and... well here we are.”
She shrugged, like it was no big deal. Like she wasn’t working herself to the bone every day of the week.
“And then I met you,” she continued, her voice watery. “And you helped me so much. And... I don’t have to work as hard.” She pulled her hand from mine to press both of them to her face, hiding from me.
I hated that, so I reached out to pull them away. Her face was wet with tears, but she was just as beautiful as she always was. Perfect.
“I don’t know how to thank you,” she told me, her voice low and intimate.
“And I’m feeling things for you that I shouldn’t.
But I just... I’m not in a place to be in a relationship.
” She bit her bottom lip, looking away. “I want to be, but I just don’t know how I can with the situation that I’m in. ”
I took her hand again, rubbing my thumb against her sweet, soft skin. “And you won’t let me help you more?”
She blinked at me before her brow furrowed. She shook her head. “I can’t take more from you, Krusk. Not when I can’t give you what you really want.”
I smiled, reaching out to tuck a lock of her hair behind her ear. “And how do you know what I really want?”
She bit her lip, looking away. “It’s kind of obvious,” she said with a shy smile. “You want us to be together but—”
I cut her off. “But maybe that isn’t all that I want.”
She frowned, tilting her head as she looked at me. “You want something else?”
I nodded, gently prying open her other hand that was squeezed tight in her lap. When I’d loosened her tight fist, I lifted it to press a kiss to the center of her palm. “I want to take care of you.”
She searched my face, and I didn’t try to hide from her. Not anymore. I let her see everything that I was feeling in that moment. All of the love that was in my heart for her. Everything that I learned about this female made it grow even more.
“Can you let me?” I asked her, rubbing her palm across my cheek, closing my eyes and savoring her touch.
“H-how?” she queried, her voice low and lost. I hated hearing her sound that way, but I knew it would take time to trust that I didn’t want to hurt her in anyway.