23. SHANE
23
SHANE
L illy’s eyes widen as she opens her front door and takes in my old army jacket and combat trousers. “What’s going on?”
A smile spreads across my face as I hold up a white shirt and a blue and grey striped tie, similar to her old school uniform. “I have an idea. Do you have a black skirt?”
Her brow furrows. “I didn’t know you were into role play.”
I chuckle. “We can work up to that, but for now, I wanted to take you to see your mum. I thought she might recognise you in a school uniform.”
“Oh. I’m not sure I’ll fit in your shirt.” She takes the items from my hand and steps aside, gesturing for me to come in from the chilled wind.
“Yeah, you might want to skip the push-up bra. I don’t recall you having those when you were at school.”
She glances down at her chest. “I’m sure there’s no way of hiding these.”
All I can think about is how they bounced when she got herself off, and I will my dick to stay down. Today is about doing something nice for Lilly, not for my own selfish pleasure.
“Come in while I change.” She takes the shirt and tie from me and climbs the stairs, leaving me at the bottom.
“How’s that bed holding out?” A smile curves my lips. Dammit. I can’t help myself. I’m going to hell for the things I’ve done, but I’m only getting started. There’s so much more that I plan to do with Lilly.
“You did a good job. It’s real sturdy,” she shouts from her bedroom.
“I haven’t asked Kane about carving the ornate leg yet to match the others, but I will.”
She comes to the top of the stairs wearing a sports bra and a black skirt. “Please don’t say anything to Kane. I’m totally fine with it as it is. I don’t want to trouble him.”
I nod. It’s all I can do as I take in the ripe nipples underneath the white cotton sports bra and the soft, exposed flesh between her top and skirt. With each new day, the need to have her overwhelms me. I’m like an addict, desperate for the next fix. Only my poison is her. I hate myself for it, but I can’t stop it. Not now.
Within a few minutes, she’s dressed in what resembles her old school uniform, my shirt bursting at the seams around her chest. But it will do.
She walks down the stairs, braiding her hair. “What do you think?”
Staring at her takes me back about twelve years to the girl she used to be. “You look like you’re fifteen again.” A chuckle leaves my lips as I remember always chiding her about the length of her skirt. “Good to see your skirt isn’t rolled up this time.”
Her eyes flick to the ceiling. “I swear you wanted me to go to that school looking like a nun.” She braids the other side of her hair so she has two plaits hanging down her shirt. I’m sure some of her subscribers would get off on her looking this way, but it’s not my style. All I see is the innocent fifteen-year-old that I wanted to protect.
Bile rises in my throat at all the things I’ve done without her consent. She may have consented to the shadow, but had she known it’s me behind the mask, I don’t think she would’ve gone as far as she had. I’ve crossed a line and there’s no going back for me now. She thinks I’m her hero, but I’m the villain in her story.
“Ready?” I pull the car keys from my pocket, pushing all thoughts aside of what we’ve done. Today is about her and her mum.
In the car, Lilly adds a little gloss to her lips, swapping her usual red lipstick for something neutral. Though her foundation is flawless as always, she’s skipped the heavy eye makeup and looks more natural, like she did back in school.
She twists her hands in her lap, fiddling with her manicured nails. “What if she still doesn’t recognise me?”
I itch to take her hand in mine. “Relax. It’s gonna be fine.”
“I wish I had your confidence.” She sighs. “Every time I visit Mum, it’s like another piece of me withers away as if I don’t exist.”
My heart cracks. I want to give this girl the world, show her how much she means to everyone around her, including me. “She may not recognise you, but if you didn’t go, who would make sure she has her favourite chocolates or all her belongings that remind her of who she is? If it wasn’t for you, Lil, she’d probably have forgotten her own identity by now. You matter so much. You’re not invisible.”
Her silvery blue eyes shine with unshed tears. Not even the sun on her face can brighten her features. “I guess you’re right. But if I wasn’t there, Fern would take over everything. She gets all the praise, anyway.”
“Fern wouldn’t cope with that burden alone. She was never cut out to be a carer.” I take my eyes from the road for a second to look at Lilly, slumped in the seat. “She’s nothing like you.”
She gives me a sad smile. “I love my sister, but I hate that Mum recognises her and not me. Then I feel guilty for having those feelings and think of Harry, who’s never known what it’s like to have a grandma.”
“Hyacinth would have spoiled that kid rotten, wouldn’t she?” A whimsical smile lifts my cheeks as I think of how Hyacinth was with her kids, always doting on them and me. She took me in and treated me as one of her own the minute I started dating Fern.
As we pull into the care home car park, Lilly tenses again, fiddling with her hands. Once out of the car, I wrap an arm around her shoulder. “I’m here. If this doesn’t work, we can leave. We have nothing to lose.”
She nods, her two front teeth resting on her bottom lip.
After signing in and walking down the corridor to Hyacinth’s room, I push the door open and step through, taking hold of Lilly’s hand. “Afternoon, Hyacinth. How are you today?”
Hyacinth looks up from her Shackleton chair. “Shane, what a lovely surprise. Is Fern with you?”
Lilly hides behind me, her hand gripping mine.
“No. I’ve brought Lillian with me. I’ve just picked her up from school.”
She pushes her glasses up her nose and tilts her head as if trying to peer behind me. “Lillian?”
My heart sinks as I say a silent prayer. I’ve never been one for prayer, but I’d give anything right now for Hyacinth to recognise Lilly.
“Hi, Mama,” she says as she steps from behind me, her hand still squeezing mine behind my back.
“Did you have a good day at school, love?”
Lilly lets out a long breath, and a strangled sob as she lets go of my hand and rushes to her mother. Kneeling at the foot of her chair, she rests her head on her lap and sobs into the checked blanket covering her mother’s legs.
Hyacinth looks up to me and back down to Lilly, placing her hand on her head and stroking the back of her hair where it’s parted into two braids. “What’s happened, sweetheart? Is it a boy?”
“Yes,” Lilly chokes out as she sniffles against her mum’s blanket.
“Don’t worry, one day you’ll meet someone who will appreciate you. You’re too young now, but the right man’s out there for you.”
Lilly lifts her head, her teary eyes gazing at me. “I hope so, Mama.”
If only she knew I’m right here. I love her. I’ve always loved her, and I think she loves me too, but maybe more in a brotherly way. If she were to have a relationship with me, it would ruin hers and her sister’s relationship. Fern’s not one to forgive easily, and she’s stubborn. She wouldn’t understand the bond Lilly and I have. What we’ve always had. And that bond’s grown into an unconditional love I have for this woman that I can’t deny any longer.
I lift the spare chair from the corner of the room and place it next to Hyacinth, but it’s for Lilly, not me. She should have some time alone with her mum. “I’ll wait outside.”