34. LILLY
34
LILLY
M y body temperature rises, despite the cold. Heat prickles my skin, making me itch my neck. Please no. She was meeting the doctor she’s been dating, not her ex-husband. I bend down to look through the car window to find out what’s going on.
Shane smiles at me as he winds the window down. “Everything all right, Lil?”
“What are you doing here?” I look between him and Fern. Wind whips my hair, sending a chill down my spine, but it’s nothing compared to the icy fear stabbing me in the chest at thoughts of my sister reconciling with my man.
“Long story,” Fern says. “Has the pizza arrived? I’m starving.”
“Not yet. I thought you were the delivery guy when I heard a car pull up.” I wrap my cardigan tighter around my body to block out the cold.
Harry runs up behind me. “Why aren’t you in your police car?” he asks Shane with a frown.
“I’m off duty, buddy.”
“But you’re wearing your uniform.” He points at Shane’s attire through the window.
Shane chuckles and says, “You’ll make a great detective some day, kid.”
“Want to come and see my cars?” Harry asks.
My stomach flips, wanting Shane to join us for supper like old times.
Fern gets out of the car and stands at the side of me behind Harry. “I think we’d all feel a lot safer if you were to stay for a while.”
I spin my head towards Fern. “Safer? Has something happened?”
“No.” She gives me a look and ruffles Harry’s hair. “Nothing’s wrong.”
Hairs prickle on the back of my neck, knowing something is definitely wrong. “I’ve ordered your favourite pizza, Shane,” I say, hoping he’ll come in. “Pepperoni with mushrooms.” Since he introduced me to the combo years ago, it's become my favourite pizza, too.
“Please,” Harry whines. If anyone can make him stay, it’s him.
His smile widens. “All right. Let’s see this car collection.” Shane steps out of his Shogun and follows us into the yard, closing the gate behind him. “You need to get this fixed.”
Fern huffs. “That and about a hundred other things in this house.” She throws her bag over her shoulder. “I was hoping Lilly could have got Kane to fix it, but that’s not gonna happen now. I can’t afford to pay anyone.”
“I don’t mind helping you out. I’ll bring my tools round one day next week when I’m off work,” Shane says, entering the house.
I flick my eyes to the old wooden beams on the ceiling. Great. That’s all I need, them spending more time together. She already thinks he wants to get back together with her.
Harry bounds up the stairs. “Mum, can I show Shane my room?”
Fern drops her bag on the floor next to the shoe rack. “Sure.”
Whispering, I say, “What’s going on?” I follow her into the kitchen and close the door to stop our voices from travelling up the stairs.
Fern exhales a long strangled breath as if she’s been holding it in all night. “The picture I sent you is the doctor I’ve been seeing.”
I pinch my eyebrows. “But you said his name was Ant something.”
She rubs at her temples. “I know. He’s been playing me this whole time. I should have known it was suss when he kept asking about you. I’m sorry, Lil. I should’ve shown you a picture sooner.”
Words clog in the back of my throat as I try to process. I knew he was a creep, but dating my sister to ask about me is next level.
“Shane thinks he’s the one who broke into your house.” She opens the fridge and pours herself a glass of wine, then takes a big gulp. “Want one?”
I shake my head and grip my stomach.
Fern’s brow furrows. “Are you still feeling ill?”
I can’t shake the sick feeling, but despite that, I have a craving for pizza. “I’m fine.” Even though I’m not fine and every time I knock my tender breasts, I’m reminded of my secret and my situation.
“It didn’t feel like the doctor who broke in.” Whenever he’s on the ward, and his cologne invades my senses, my hairs stand up on end as if in warning. But the man who broke in had a completely different vibe. He had body odour and a gruff voice. Dr Fletcher is more refined. He’s more likely to inject me with a needle than slap me across the face. “It doesn’t make sense.”
Fern raises an eyebrow. “Tell that to Sergeant Sleuth up there.” She sets the wine down on the counter. “He had him up against the wall, threatening him.”
My pulse races, knowing he did that for me. I straighten my spine as he walks into the kitchen behind Harry. Our eyes lock, causing tingles to travel through my limbs.
His gaze travels south, parting his mouth as he takes in my cartoon pyjamas. I button up the long cardigan I threw on before stepping outside, only to cover the same cartoon pyjamas I wore for him on one of our first lives.
A knock at the door makes me jump.
“I’ll get it,” Fern says as Harry jumps up and down, shouting, “Pizza.”
Shane peeks through the curtain, his shoulders relaxing when he sees the delivery guy.
“Fern said you think the doctor broke into my house.”
“Yeah.” He rocks back on his heels, taking in the old painted kitchen doors now peeling.
“What makes you think that?” I tap my nails against the chipped worktop.
He runs a hand over his face. “Just a hunch. You said he was a creep.” His eyes bore into me with an intensity I recognise from our dance in the Black Crow.
I swear my nipples harden to bullets under his heated gaze. And don’t get me started on that uniform. My knickers dampen as the handcuffs hand on his duty belt, reminding me of what he’s done.
Fern ruins my fantasy as she cuts between us, three pizza boxes in hand and a bag of sides. “Dig in everyone. The pizza guy’s given us a free garlic bread.”
The aroma of hot food and pepperoni fills the kitchen, reminding me how hungry I am.
Harry squeezes in front of Shane and fills his plate to the brim.
“Harry, save some for everyone else,” Fern says as we all gather round the worktop.
I hand Shane a plate and give him a smile, then offer him his favourite pizza.
“Thanks,” he says as he takes two slices.
Harry darts away with his plate and sits at the kitchen table.
Fern and I sit down, and I pull the last chair out for Shane. It’s like old times when we all lived together, only now the energy and atmosphere is different.
Fern takes another gulp of her wine, almost finished with her large glass. “This is cosy and not awkward at all.”
A laugh bursts from my lips.
Shane clears his throat. “I can go.”
I place my hand on his knee under the table, my eyes pleading with him to stay. “She’s joking. You’re not going anywhere.” I’m surprised by the domineering tone that comes from my mouth.
Shane clears his throat. “Bodyguard duties are twenty quid an hour.” He smirks and shuffles in his seat with my palm still resting on his thigh.
I remove my hand. “I must owe you about two hundred already.” I bite into my lip, knowing it’s more like two grand.
“Mum?” Harry says with a mouthful of margarita pizza.
“Don’t eat with your mouthful,” Fern says lifting her wine to her lips.
“You mean speak ?” I say, a smile lifting my cheeks.
“What?” Fern says, her face reddening as she takes another drink.
Harry swallows his food. “If Lilly is my aunty, is Shane my uncle?”
Fern coughs her wine back up, her hand covering her mouth as she splutters.
I shuffle in my seat, not able to look at him, fearing he’ll see how much I wish that statement was true. “He’s my friend, Harry, that’s all.”
Harry stares down at his food, his eyes losing their lustre just like mine, knowing that we’ll only ever be friends.
Shane has the same expression on his face, as if the reality is dampening his mood too.
My hand rests on my thigh under the table and brushes against his, sending a rush of tingles over my flesh.
He moves his fingers ever so slightly, as if caressing my hand. The roughness of his hand against my skin is another reminder of my shadow.
Gently, I scrape my nails against the back of his hand, hoping to get a reaction from him.
He shifts in the seat next to me, his jaw tightening as he presses his lips into a thin line. If I’m completely wrong about Shane and my shadow being the same person, I’m certain that Shane has feelings for me as well. I’ve felt it in my bones for a while now.
Fern wipes her mouth and composes herself after practically choking on her wine. A deafening silence fills the room. If Fern accepted us as a couple, this is how it would be between the four of us. Awkward family dinners. And this is only the tip of the iceberg. We haven’t even thrown my brother into the mix.
Guilt works its way up my throat and I swallow it down with another bite of pizza. I often think Mum’s better off with dementia. If she knew the state of our family and how we’re all broken, she’d probably have another stroke.
“Mum, can I watch the rest of my movie?”
Fern nods, topping up her wine, the bottle almost empty.
Harry takes another slice of pizza from the box and runs into the living room, leaving the three of us in this electrically charged atmosphere that’s zapping all my energy.
I clear my throat. “So, what happened with Dr Fletcher?”
Shane swallows his mouthful of food. “I don’t think he’ll be bothering you at work again.”
“It wasn’t him that broke into my home.” I turn sideways to face Shane. “Wait.” I turn to Fern. “Wasn’t he here with you that night?”
She gulps down her wine. “He left around midnight. What time was your break in?”
“About eleven.” I look into Shane’s eyes, his hand running down his face with a groan. “I’ve spent every waking hour tracking the wrong fucking creep.” Defeat deepens the weary lines on his brow.
“It wasn’t all for nothing.” Fern clatters her wineglass against the table with a shaky hand. “At least I know he wasn’t interested in me before I made a complete fool of myself.” Her voice shakes as she stands and turns away from Shane, making herself busy as she clears the empty food boxes away.
I wish she would just catch a break. Why can’t she just find a decent man? Anyone but her ex.
Shane stands to help clear the rest of the rubbish from the table. I lift the empty wine bottle and turn around, my elbow accidentally knocking Shane on his side. He hisses through his teeth, his hand holding his abdomen.
Fern spins around. “What’s wrong with you?”
Shane gulps, gazing into my eyes. “I tackled someone to the ground at work. Hurt my side, that’s all.”
“Let me take a look.” I reach for his shirt, but he steps away.
“No. It’s fine.” He scratches the back of his neck with his other hand. “I gotta go.” He points to the living room. “Am I all right to say goodbye to the kid?”
Fern nods as she continues to make herself busy, moving my phone to wipe down the already clean worktop.
Now is my chance to call his mobile and make him face up to what we’ve done. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. I grab the phone and swipe to my shadow’s number and press call, watching Shane from the doorway between the kitchen and living room. The call rings. Shane doesn’t flinch, and I sag against the doorframe.
He waves Harry goodbye and steps sideways to slip past me. “You all right?”
I drop my phone into my cardigan pocket. “Yeah. All good.”
He stops in the doorway, our bodies almost touching with only a hair between us. “Don’t worry. I’ll find out who it was. If anything happens, don’t hesitate to call me. Okay?”
I nod my head. He thinks I’m worried about the burglar or stalker or whoever that was in my home, but I’m more worried about never having the weight of my shadow on me again, never hearing his deep raspy voice or feeling his hands on my skin.
He leaves the house, making sure we lock the doors behind him. My head rests back against the wall as I let out a breath, relaxing a little now it’s just the three of us. It’s then when I see Fern slump over her sink and dab her eyes with a tissue.
I pad back into the kitchen and close the living room door so Harry doesn’t see her upset. “Is it the doctor?”
She wipes her nose. “I got something in my eyes, that’s all.”
“You don’t need to bullshit me.” I look into the room door. “Harry’s engrossed in his superhero movie. He can’t hear you.”
She drops the tissue onto the worktop, her voice cracking, she says, “I actually thought he liked me, Lil.”
I close the distance, wrap my arm around her, and pull her in for a hug. “I’ve no doubt he did like you. The guy likes any girl with a pulse.” My palm rubs up and down her back. “Come to think of it, he’s probably not fussed about the pulse.” I pause, realising what I said isn’t helping as she sobs against my shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
She sniffles, and I’m sure she’s snotted on my cardigan. “It’s not your fault, is it?” She turns and grabs another tissue.
My throat clogs up. Dr Fletcher might not be my fault, but the secrets I keep would hurt her even more.
“I just want to find someone decent, you know. Someone I can share a life with. Is that too much to ask?” She wipes her face and blows her nose. “I left Shane because I wanted to be with someone who gave me butterflies. I wanted to have that spark like I read about in romance novels, but since Shane, it’s been one disaster after another.”
“I know. But I’m proud of you for not settling for anything less than you deserve.”
She looks into my eyes with a tremble in her lip. “Do you think the universe is punishing me for leaving a good man?”
I shake my head. “Don’t be silly.”
“That’s how it feels. I know I had it good with him, but there wasn’t anything between us.” She sniffles and wipes at her nose. “I’m not blind. I saw his house. I could have been living there, Lil.”
“You could, but would you be happy?”
“No, but I’d be comfortable. He’s like a pair of old slippers.”
I scrunch my nose. “Old slippers?” My throat constricts, and I hold my hand around my neck, dread filling my lungs. “Are you saying you want to get back with Shane?”
It’s like she doesn’t even hear me.
“You know, like all the shine had gone, but you don’t want to throw them out because they’re comfortable.” A small laugh puffs out of her. “I know that sounds awful, and that’s why I left. He deserved to find new slippers, too. I just never thought it would be this hard to find the right fit.”
“So you don’t want to get back with him?” I ask again, just to be clear. Not that I think he would, but if she’s pining after him as well, that makes my situation even more difficult.
She shakes her head. “No. There’s nothing there. I don’t want to rip his clothes off.”
All the air leaves my lungs with a sigh of relief. “Did you want to rip Dr Fletcher’s clothes off?” I cringe at the mental picture.
She pauses for a moment. “Not really. But I’m so tired, Lil. I drop Harry at school, spend five hours at a job I hate, visit Mum, pick Harry up from school, spend the next four hours entertaining him between cooking and cleaning, then eat, sleep, repeat.” Another tear drips onto her cheek. “It never ends, Lil. I just want someone to take the weight off. Is that so wrong? I don’t even care about wanting to rip their clothes off anymore.”
“I’m sure the right man is out there for you.”
“Maybe I’ve read too many romance novels and I have unrealistic expectations about men.”
I pull her in for another hug. “I don’t think they’re unrealistic.” My eyes close, thinking of Shane. “Maybe we’re both doomed when it comes to men. There’s no wonder I have a box of toys.”
She pulls back to look me in the eye. “A box?”
“A girl’s gotta eat.” My lips unfurl into a grin. “Don’t you have any?”
“I had one of those magic wand ones with the round vibrating head until Harry found it and used it as a microphone.” With tears still in her eyes, she laughs at the memory.
I cover my mouth with a gasp. “You’re kidding?”
“Nope. Found him singing his heart out to Baby Shark a year back. I daren’t get another.” She lets out another laugh.
“You could use your electric toothbrush.”
She deadpans. “Don’t tempt me.”
Laughing, I grab a tub of ice cream from the freezer. It’s not Ben & Jerry’s but it will do. “Let’s watch the movie with Harry. I think it’s the one with that cute actor you like.”