36. LILLY
36
LILLY
M y head bobs along to the Deadbeat Punks. Even though it’s not my favourite style of music, they’re not bad. I follow Hazel to the back room for a game of pool. All the while, I’m on the lookout for any sign of Shane or his friends.
I’m desperate to see him. I need to know he still feels the same. Insecurity swells in my chest like a rising tide. I thought we had a connection. After everything he told me, right now he’s no better than the rest of them. Kane was emotionally unavailable and Shane’s just unavailable full stop. I thought me telling him on the live that I couldn’t carry on like that would spur him on to step up and be the man I deserve.
Hazel hands me a pool cue. “You all right?”
I fake smile and nod my head as she sets the balls up on the table. It’s me that has everything to lose. It’s me that’s going to lose a sister and brother. But I have my own family to think about now. My hand rests over my stomach. I should do a test to confirm it, but it seems pointless. I don’t need to be a nurse to know the symptoms of pregnancy. Besides the sickly feeling and the metal taste in my mouth, not to mention the fatigue, I just know.
The right thing to do would be to tell Shane I’m pregnant. Maybe then he’d acknowledge it was him all along, knowing he’s the father. But I won’t be that girl that traps him into a relationship.
I did some research and there’s a 0.1% chance of conceiving with a vasectomy, unless it was a recent procedure. But first, before I confront him about any of this, I need to know he wants me for me and not just because it’s his duty to take care of his mess.
“Hello.” Hazel waves her pool cue at me. “Earth to Lil.”
“Oh.” I bend over the table and take my shot, missing the coloured ball.
“I heard there was a break in last night. A load of drinks stolen from the cellar.” She pots a striped ball and cocks her lips into a smile as she lines up for another.
“Draven must be pissed.”
She pots another ball. “Heard anything from your mystery man?”
I shake my head. “I think he’s lost interest. He won’t even reply to my texts.” I sag against the wall. Not even getting myself off in the bath and giving him the finger afterwards got a rise out of him. I was sure that would get him riled up, seeing as the last time I did that, he showed up to spank me.
“Maybe he’s back on tour or lost his phone?” She shrugs a shoulder. “There has to be a reason he’s not messaged you. What if he got sepsis from the gash?”
“I checked the records at the hospital. Nobody has been admitted with a gash to their stomach.” I huff out air through my nostrils. “I’ll slice him up myself if he doesn’t get back in touch with me soon.”
“I’ll even do it for you. He may have given you the best sex of your life, but it’s not worth the anguish he’s put you through these last few weeks. Is he even gonna pay you?”
“I got another thousand put in my bank yesterday. Which is just insulting. I don’t want his money. It’s gone past that now.” I bend down, line up the ball and hit it with my cue, channelling all my anger into it. The white ball hits the coloured one and flies off the edge of the table, landing on the floor and rolling to a pair of black boots.
My eyes wander up black trousers and a yellow high vis jacket over a police vest. I gulp, frozen to the spot as Shane bends his knees and reaches for the ball.
He hands it back to me, hypnotising me with his dark gaze.
As I take the ball, a spark of electricity zaps my fingertip, causing me to suck in a breath. With my heart thumping beneath my ribs, I gasp for air, but croak out, “Thanks.”
“You still at your sisters?”
I shake my head. “I moved back in today. Thanks for sorting out my door. Kane dropped the keys off.”
“You shouldn’t be alone.”
“Well, I had to go home sometime. There’s only so many nights I can sleep with my sister and her snoring.”
He chuckles. “Yeah, I remember.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I’m on duty. Just come to chat with Draven about a break in last night.”
“Okay.” I spin around, giving him my best strut in my heels and black faux leather leggings, then bend over the pool table, making sure my ass is in his eyeline.
A shiver courses through me as I sense his eyes burning a hole through my bottoms. There isn’t even a ball to hit from this angle, but I just wanted to show him what he’s missing. I hit the white ball and let it bounce off the cushion, letting out a breath when it not only hits a ball on the way back, but pots it.
“Way to go, that was such a cool move,” Hazel says.
I can’t contain my smile, but when I turn around, Shane is gone. With a frown, I take my next shot. Without Shane’s gaze, I couldn’t care if I miss or not. And I do miss. “Want another drink?”
Hazel nods, and I leave her to pot the last ball.
Shane’s nowhere to be seen as I step into the main room with the band. I bob my head to the music as I lean against the bar and see Shane talking with Draven through the open bar in the quiet side of the old country pub.
“Hey, Lil. How’s your sister?” Phoenix says, in full firefighter uniform, looking hot as sin. I hadn’t realised he was back in town.
After wiping the drool from my mouth, I reply, “Her and Harry are just fine.”
The fire in his eyes dulls like dying embers, and I’m not sure what or who’s pissed on his bonfire. “Can I get you a drink?” He asks, a small smile brightening his face.
“Sure, why not?” I am single, after all.
Heather says, “Do you want your usual rum and coke?”
“Skip the rum, please, Heather.”
“You driving tonight?” Heather asks.
“No, I’m just trying to cut down on my alcohol consumption.”
She squints her eyes as if I’ve had a personality transplant.
I smile and say. “New diet.”
“You don’t need to diet,” Phoenix says, taking in my tall, curvy frame.
I place my hand on his strong biceps and giggle loud enough for Shane to hear on the other side of the bar. “Thanks. That’s sweet of you.” I squeeze the muscles under my palm. “Wow, you must work out all the time.”
He blushes, smiling, with gorgeous white teeth against his tanned skin. “I do my best. We don’t just sit around playing cards all day like some people think.”
“I bet you could easily throw a girl over your shoulder,” I keep my voice a notch louder than necessary, hoping Shane can hear every word.
Phoenix bends his knees and lifts me.
I let out a squeal as he throws me over his shoulder. His large hand grabs a hold of my ass, holding me in place.
“Bring our drinks through to the back, Heather. Put it on my tab,” he says, before spinning me around.
“Can you get Hazel a non alcoholic beer too, please,” I shout as he carries me to the back, my head bobbing behind, loving the display for all to see. One person in particular.
Shane scowls, eyes shooting lasers at Phoenix, getting exactly the reaction I wanted. Serves him right.
In the back room, Phoenix sets me down on the floor, my heels clicking against the wood. “How was that?”
“Well, you’re handy to have around in a fire.” I squeeze his biceps again while searching the room for Shane.
Heather arrives with a tray of drinks. “Here you go.” She hands me my Diet Coke. “Shane has a face like a smacked arse. What’s going on with him?”
A smile pushes my cheeks up. “I wouldn’t know. Haven’t seen him in ages.”
“He’s all red faced and moody. If looks could kill. Do you think they’re working him too hard down at the station?”
“Working who too hard?” Shane’s deep disgruntled voice booms over the distant music playing in the front room.
“We were just talking about you.” Heather pats Shane on his arm. “Who ate your doughnuts?”
Shane doesn’t answer her. He just stares at me with a face like thunder.
I ignore him and turn my attention back to Phoenix. “Show me some more of your firefighting skills. I bet you have a big hose.”
Phoenix’s hand flies to his mouth as he tries to hold back his laugh, but he snorts so hard, beer spouts from his nostrils.
I hear a giggle from Hazel behind me, but under Shane’s heated stare, I daren’t laugh. Every fibre in my body is poised as if my cells recognise his voice, his presence, and recall the night he came to punish me with his tongue and his firm hand.
My body shudders involuntarily.
Completely oblivious to my reaction to Shane nearby, Phoenix says, “You’ll have to come down to the station and see for yourself. In fact, I’m at the fundraiser next month. You can come down and have a play with the hose yourself.”
“She won’t be going anywhere,” Shane says through gritted teeth.
I turn towards Shane and raise my eyebrow. “Last I checked, I was free to do as I please.”
Phoenix bats his head from mine to Shane’s, like he’s at a tennis match. Only this is a stare-off match, and there’s no way I’m backing down. If Shane wants me to stop flirting, then he’d better claim me as his. I’ll flirt with every man in this joint if I have to.
Shane pulls a packet of cigarettes from his pocket and casually barges past Phoenix. “She’s off-limits,” he says as he strolls towards the door like he owns the damn place and me.
“I’m sorry, Phoenix.” I storm after him, lifting my jumper back onto my shoulder before I reach the door. With all my strength, I push against it, hitting Shane on the back as it flies open. “What the hell was that all about?”
He brings his lit cigarette to his lips and inhales, his dark eyes harbouring all his desires. “You need to be careful. There’s still a man on the loose who broke into your house. It could be anyone.”
I huff air from my nostrils, so mad I’m surprised it’s not smoke from the fire in my blood. “I hardly think Phoenix is a threat. We’ve known him for years.”
He exhales, letting out a plume of smoke that billows in front of my face. “Over forty percent of attacks are committed by people they know.”
The outdoor light shines on the tendrils of smoke spiralling between us. I waft my hand to dispel it away. “How many times do I have to tell you that these things will kill you?”
He shrugs and inhales another drag, the cherry flaring as he inhales. “It’s not like anyone cares.” Lifting his boot, he rests his foot and back against the brick wall, looking defeated as if his only joy in life is this cigarette.
“Why are you saying that?” I step closer, trying to gauge what’s going on with him. “Lots of people care.”
“Do they?” He flicks the ash onto the floor, then takes another drag.
“Yes, of course. Kane, and the guys. Your colleagues.” I close the distance between us.
He straightens his spine, pushing off from the wall. “Who else, Lilly?”
“Me.” I place my palms against his police vest. The padded vest prevents me from feeling the beat of his heart, but his chest rises with a sharp intake of breath. “You have to know what you mean to me, Shane.”
“I don’t. Tell me.” He throws the cigarette to the ground and stubs it out with his boot.
I pinch my eyebrows together, wondering what’s going on in his head. He has to know I’m in love with him. “Do you not recall our last conversation?”
“Our last conversation was at Fern’s house.” He rolls his eyes as if remembering the awkwardness.
“Before that,” I say, leaning into him.
His eyes search mine as if recalling our encounters. “You stayed over at my place. I said I would always protect you.”
“I wasn’t talking about that.” Leaning closer, his warm breath fans my cheek. “I said it doesn’t have to be the end. Told you to come over and talk to me face to face.” Tears pool in my eyes. “But you ghosted me.”
“Lil, I—” He clears his throat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I clench my fist and hit his padded vest. “When are you going to admit it was you all along? You made me feel things I’ve never felt with anyone else.” Until this point, I never thought we could have a relationship, but the pregnancy changes everything. It’s given me the courage I needed to do something for myself for once. I’m always putting others first and now I will have another person dependent on me, and I don’t want to do this alone. But more than that, I want Shane. I’ve always wanted him, and if he won’t fight for us, then I will.
He closes his eyes and exhales. His arms wrap around me, his fingers tangling in my hair, holding my head in place as he rests his forehead against mine. With a clenched jaw, he clings to the lie, but every muscle in his body tenses, as though he’s in pain. “Lilly, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You said it yourself. Forty percent of break-ins know their victims.” I know it’s him. I feel it deep in my soul. My body remembers these strong arms pinning me down, my ears recognise his deep, gruff voice, and my senses would know his scent a mile away. And then there’s my heart that’s fused to his. Tethered to him since I was a little girl and now I feel like it’s severed. The ties that bind us are breaking string by string.
With another punch to his chest, I whisper yell, “I’m talking about you fucking me senseless, but not wanting to commit. You ghosted me. You made me feel worthless. You’re just like the rest of them.” I won’t allow myself to cry. I’ve done my share of sobbing over men.
The whites of his eyes widen. He holds me, not letting go no matter how much I struggle against him. “I thought I was doing the right thing. You told me to stay away.”
“I wanted you to fight for me.”
He straightens his elbows, holding my shoulders at arm’s length to look into my eyes. “I have fought for you. Every fucking day, I’ve fought for you. Fought myself to stay away and do the right thing. I’ve fought the department to stay on your case and track down your attacker. And I’ll keep on fighting for you until the day I die.”
I flare my nostrils, trying to hold back my unshed tears, but his words just broke the dam and they drip onto my cheeks.
His hands cup my face, his thumbs swiping at the tears as they fall. “I’ve stayed away because I couldn’t touch you until I was sure I was clean. I got tested after your brother—” He pauses, rests his forehead against mine, our breaths ragged and hot against the chilled air.
We stay like this for a moment, our noses touching, our bodies pressed against each other, but his mouth, a whisper from mine, fights to stay away as if he can’t cross the line.
“I didn’t want to stay away, but I thought it was for the best. If I saw you on a live or you asked me to come over again, I wouldn’t be able to resist and I had to make sure I was clean. There was no way in hell I was putting you at risk.”
“And are you clean?”
“Yes. I got the results back yesterday.”
“Then what are you waiting for?” I brush my lips against his, hoping he’ll claim them like he has so many times before.
His brow furrows. With a tense jaw, he chokes out, “Your sister?”
“She can join us, but I don’t think she has the same kinks as we do.” My chest rises and falls with rapid breaths. It’s now or never. I’ve laid everything on the line. Well, not everything. I still have one last card to play, but I need to know he wants me for me and not because I’m carrying his child. He’s always doing the right thing, and I know he would do the right thing with me, but I need to know he wants me like I want him. I need to feel his raw obsession like I did before. I want my shadow back.
I swallow as he just stares at me, almost in disbelief. His tongue finds the chip on his tooth as he slides it along his top teeth.
After what seems like minutes, I sigh and push away. “If you’re not going to fuck me, then I’ll find someone else who will.”