42. LILLY
42
LILLY
I roll over, reaching for Shane in the dark, his cotton sheets cocooning me with his scent. After what seemed like hours of the police taking my statement when all I wanted to do was go with my brother to the hospital, Shane brought me back here, showered with me, and tucked me into his bed, with him spooning behind me. Only now the bed’s cold and empty. A shiver courses through my body, my hair still damp from when he washed it.
Neither of us has spoken since we left the flats. There’s been so much to process. Shane just held me in the shower and held me against the warmth of his chest in bed. Seeking that familiar warmth, I throw the covers back and pad out of his room, down the hall.
Shane’s nowhere to be seen, so I climb the stairs to the living room and kitchen. My breath catches in my throat as I take in his silhouette against the moonlit backdrop of the lake. A cool breeze blows through the gap in the sliding door where his body leans against the wall, one foot on his plush rug and the other foot on the wooden decking of the balcony.
He flicks the ash off his cigarette, letting it blow away in the wind. Tendrils of smoke curl from his lips as he locks eyes with me through the vapour. “Everything all right?”
I nod as I pad over the plush rug towards him, tugging the hem of his t-shirt over my bare behind. “Is it the insomnia again, keeping you awake?”
He takes another inhale of his cigarette, then lets out a long breath. “Yeah. I’ll be okay. You go back to bed, get some rest.” His lips press against my forehead before he steps out fully into the night. The moon shines on his inked torso, the grinning skeleton is a stark contrast to our moods right now.
“I don’t want to go back to bed without you.” My feet move of their own accord, following him out onto the balcony, the winter wind blowing my hair. I wrap my arms around him from behind, pressing my pebbled nibbles against his back. My teeth chatter, but Shane doesn’t flinch, as if he’s accustomed to the climate. “How long have you been out here?”
His hand strokes over my arm, until he reaches my hand, then he entwines our fingers together. “A while.” The muscles in his back lift as he inhales another drag of his cigarette.
I kiss between his shoulder blades, then rise onto my tiptoes to rest my chin on his shoulder and kiss in the crook of his neck, his musky scent filling my nose is my favourite thing. “Want to talk about it?”
He takes in another long ragged breath. “I thought I’d lost you tonight.”
I squeeze him tighter, the hairs on his chest tickling my palms as his heart thumps beneath my hand. “I’m right here. You haven’t lost me.”
He stubs out his cigarette on the balcony rail and flicks it over the edge onto his driveway below, then holds both my hands and peels them away from his chest as he turns to face me. “I thought you’d hate me for holding you back. If the worst had happened with Ash…”
My throat closes up. My chest tightens. Ash wouldn’t look at me tonight. Even as he was taken away in the ambulance, he wouldn’t look at me. Kane went with him, promising to keep an eye on him with his mental health. I pinch my eyebrows together, wondering what’s going through Shane’s head. “I could never hate you.”
“You saw the real me tonight.” He stares back out at the lake covered in a veil of fog. “I’m not even sorry, Lil. I’d do it all again if it means protecting you.”
“I know, and that’s why I love you.” Standing at his side, I place my hand over his as it rests on the railing.
“You still want me even after seeing the real me? I’m no hero, Lil.”
“I don’t want a hero.” I give him a sideways glance while biting on my lip. “I thought you knew by now I’m attracted to the villain.”
He nods in agreement as he stares out at the view under a blanket of stars, a hint of a smile on his lips as if reciting all my past boyfriends, Kane included.
“I’ve loved you since I was a little girl.” My arm threads through his and I lean my head against his biceps. “You were my hero when I was seven, but I fell in love with the man behind the mask during our lives. I love every part of you, even the parts you hide in the shadows.”
He turns to face me with a deep wrinkle on his forehead. His fingers swipe away the wisps of hair blowing in front of my face. “What did I ever do to deserve you?”
I rise onto my bare toes and kiss his lips. Warmth spreads throughout my limbs, the love I have for him blooming in my heart. “You loved me unconditionally. No matter what trouble I was in, I always knew I could call you. And you saw the real me, behind my mask of makeup, and you love me just as I am, despite all my flaws.”
He cups my face, his palm warming my skin. “You don’t have flaws. You’re perfectly imperfect.” He dips his head slightly and kisses my cheek, then the other. “This red flush on your cheeks is barely noticeable to me.” He kisses the brown mole I have above my left dimple. “This beauty spot here is what makes you unique.” His lips crash against mine, his tongue sliding along the seam of my mouth. “And don’t get me started on how much these two front teeth turn me on.”
I smile against his mouth, then it turns into a frown as I remember I still need to come clean with my sister.
He pulls me against him as I shiver. He lifts my chin. “What’s wrong?”
My head shakes. “I was just thinking, I finally have you and everything I’ve wished for, but I’m scared I’m going to lose my family.” My teeth chatter again as a wave of dread washes over me.
He wraps me up in his arms. “Let’s get you back inside.”
I wiggle my cold toes against the fluffy rug as Shane closes the sliding door and locks it.
He bends over and throws another log into the wood-burning stove, then flops onto the sofa, reaching out a hand for me to join him.
The wood crackles, giving off a warm glow and the cosy feel of home. I take his hand and he pulls me down so I’m sitting sideways on his lap, my feet on the cushion and my back against the armrest. My fingers graze the back of his neck, tangling in the curls growing a little long. “You need a haircut.”
He huffs. “That’s the least of my worries.”
I stiffen in his arms. “Is me being pregnant one of your worries?”
His finger and thumb grip my chin, tilting my head to face him. His warm lips press against mine. “You and this baby are the only good things in my life.” He kisses me again, but this time it’s reassuring, lingering with all his love and devotion.
“Are you happy?” He clears his throat. “About the baby, I mean.”
“Are you?” I know he’s just said we’re the only good things in his life, but he doesn’t seem happy now. I know it’s probably with everything that’s happened this evening, but I need to know he wants this as much as I do.
“It’s what I’ve always wanted, but I hate myself for forcing this on you. I should’ve used a condom. I can understand if you resent me for it. The timing isn’t great and you need to finish your studies, not to mention forcing you to tell your sister and?—”
“Stop.” My fingers stroke the deep lines on his brow. “You haven’t forced anything on me.” A small smile curves my lips. “I remember there were two of us that night. I wanted it just as much as you did.”
“I thought you were on the pill. I saw the packet in your bathroom cabinet.”
“I stopped taking it after Kane. I never mentioned it because I thought you’d had a vasectomy?” My eyebrow lifts, waiting for him to explain himself.
“I’m sorry I lied. I didn’t think it was possible for me to get anyone pregnant. I didn’t want to get into all the details on the live. After years of trying with?—”
I press my finger to his lips. “It doesn’t matter now. I’m happy.” My other hand rests on my stomach, over the stretched fabric of his t-shirt. I’m barely a month pregnant and it can’t be more than the size of a pea, but being a bigger girl, I already have the belly of a pregnant lady. It’s just squidgy instead of hard. “It was inevitable. We were inevitable. All this baby has done is move things along quicker.”
My hand caresses his face, his beard tickling my palm. “I’ve wanted you for so long, but I never allowed myself to believe it could happen.” I press my lips to his as if reassuring myself that this is real. “Even when I knew it was you behind the mask, I went along with it because I thought that was the only way we could be together. Then when I found out I was carrying your child, I knew we couldn’t keep this secret any longer. And it somehow gave me the strength to accept our fate.”
His hand rests over mine on my stomach. “Whatever happens with your brother and sister, you’ll always have us. Me and this baby, and I swear, I’m gonna do everything I can to put things right with your family.”
I’ve no doubt he’ll try. But I know Fern’s stubborn, and Ash needs to understand why I did what I did. Curling up in Shane’s arms with my head on his shoulder, I press my lips against his neck. I’ll visit Ash and Fern tomorrow, but for now, I’m safe with him where I belong.