Chapter 12 Alone #2
With the regret, the frustration, the loneliness, the confusion, and the utter sadness that’s taken over my life, I’m constantly crying—something I never used to do.
It would take a miracle for me to shed a tear, and even then, it was short-lived.
Now, I cry at the drop of a hat. Sad movies, not so sad movies, fucking commercials even.
I’m a fricking wreck, and I’m over it. My body is tired from all this emotional baggage, I can tell.
I’ve been having a hard time getting up in the morning, which is yet another abnormal behavior I’ve seemed to develop since I’ve been back.
Am I depressed? Heartbroken? Homesick? All the above?
I’d love a magic solution, but without one, I’m stuffing my face with food, working myself to the bone to stay busy, trying to ignore the fact that I’m miserable.
If it weren’t for Poppy and her parents, I’d have thrown in the towel by now, but they’ve helped keep my head above water and even made things seem normal during my time with them.
Although my parents and I reconciled and we talk every now and then, our relationship hasn’t gotten to the point where I’d feel comfortable discussing my problems. I have hope that we’ll reach that stage someday.
My counselor has been a saving grace these days.
She eases so much of my worry that I can’t imagine how bad I’d be without her.
The best thing was hearing that I’m not crazy and finally understanding why I couldn’t say yes to Eli.
I still can’t believe it’s an actual disorder.
Having a name for it was a relief for sure, but it didn’t make the hurt go away.
That’s a slow process… but it is getting better.
Until tonight anyway. Thankfully, we’re meeting on Monday because I need a major intervention.
First, hearing Lily is starting a family—wow.
She’s married to the love of her life and trying for a baby.
That’s huge. Then Jackson and his upcoming proposal to Mia.
The two most important people in my life are settling down in their happily ever afters when it seems like I’ll never get mine.
There’s nothing worse than feeling like a failure.
“I’m going to be alone forever,” I complain to Poppy at happy hour a week later.
“Hey, you’re preaching to the choir here, sister,” she says with raised brows.
“True, but you didn’t fuck up and say no to the one man you should be with. You just haven’t found the right guy yet. You will, though.”
“You will too. There’s not just one for everyone. Otherwise, how would people divorce and find another?”
“Because they screwed up and settled the first time?”
“Who knows, but I’m glad you at least gave it a shot with someone else. It wasn’t miserable, was it?”
She’s asking about the coffee date I finally went on today. My counselor agreed with Lily and Poppy that I should go. One hour is not a commitment, nor is it cheating on a nonexistent boyfriend.
“No, it was nice. Matt’s a great guy, and we have a lot in common. We’ll probably be friends, but I shouldn’t have gone on a date with someone from the office. That might have been an oversight on my part. After telling him we won’t be anything more than friends, it felt weird.”
“Was he upset or put out when you said that?”
“No. He understood. It’s just me, I’m sure.”
“Anyway, I’m glad you went, if only to prove that the world won’t end if you go out with someone.
” She laughs, making me smile, and my shoulders relax at the simple statement of truth.
“Do you know how many guys are dying to come over and talk to us right now?” Her eyes wander the bar.
“If we skim the room and make eye contact with one of them, I bet they’d be here in a heartbeat.
Should we try it?” she asks conspiratorially.
“I think one date was enough for today. You’re pushing it now.”
“Please, Cici. For me? You’re not the only sad single woman at this table.
Let’s get someone to buy us a drink. The first to succeed brings coffees and bagel sandwiches to the office tomorrow, just like old times.
” She stares at me while I consider. “Come on, Cici. Your wheels are spinning. You know you can’t resist a competition. ” We laugh, knowing she’s got me.
“Fine. They have to buy a drink, though, not just talk to us. That’s my half of the bar.” I point behind her. “And you take the other.” My thumb goes back. “That way we’re not swiveling around and making it obvious. Deal?”
We clink glasses while she says, “Deal.”
I can’t believe I let her talk me into this.
I’d forgotten about our little game until now.
Except before, I was always the one who initiated it, and she would resist. This proves what a good friend she is to deliberately go out of her comfort zone for my benefit.
I hate everyone being so concerned about me.
I wish I could travel back eleven months and not go back to San Diego.
Crap. No, I don’t. I would never want to erase the time with Eli, but I’d like to alter our ending.
Poppy snaps her fingers in front of my face, bringing me to the present. “Hey, snap out of it. Focus on the task at hand. I’m winning fair and square, not because you’re in la-la land.”
I laugh. “Nice try. I’m an expert at this, remember?”
“You were an expert. And I’ve been training while you were gone, so be prepared to lose,” she says without a doubt.
I reach my hand over and place it on top of hers. “Hey, I hope you realize how much I appreciate you. Thank you for this.”
“That’s what friends are for,” she says sweetly before snapping her hand back. “But you’ll make all these men think we’re together if you keep this up, and then we’ll both be empty-handed.” I roll my eyes. “Now, get your head in the game. The clock starts now.”
I laugh as I answer, “Fine. I’ve already got my sights on someone anyway.”
“You think I don’t?”
We go back and forth like this, giving updates as we casually look around, scoping out our options.
It’s the after-work crowd downtown, and we’re at a popular bar for networking, so it shouldn’t be difficult.
We didn’t specify if it had to be someone coming over to hit on us or wanting to talk shop.
They only had to buy a drink, which business associates tend to do anyway.
I’m busy studying the crowd when I make eye contact with a guy in his early thirties sitting by himself at the bar.
I don’t recognize him, but something in his gaze grabs me.
He’s good-looking, well-dressed, and alone.
I can’t see his ring finger from here, but that doesn’t mean anything if you know the sleazy things people do when they’re out.
You can’t trust the evidence these days.
I’m about to give him an indication that I’m interested, but instead, I freeze and can’t bring myself to do it.
Thank God, I’m saved, with no time to analyze the moment and go to war with myself.
“And we have a winner,” Poppy whispers proudly right before a guy comes around from behind me to introduce himself.
She’s excited, I can tell, and my heart lightens at seeing her shine.
I’m glad she won because when we used to do this, it was always me who brought the men over.
Maybe she has been practicing. Or maybe she’s trying to break me out of my shell.
Either way, I’m happy for her and want her to enjoy her moment.
I bow out, declining the drink he offers.
“I’m going to head out. I have a few things to prepare for tomorrow.” Poppy’s look assures me she knows I’m full of shit. “Here, take my seat,” I say to…. Fuck, I already forgot his name.
“I’ll see you in the morning.” I hug Poppy goodbye and add, “With coffee and breakfast.”
She laughs. “You better not forget. See you tomorrow.”
“Have fun!” I wave and go on my not-so-merry way.