Chapter 16 Reality
REALITY
Cici
I’m standing at the copier waiting for papers to come out when Matt walks up to chat.
Since telling him I didn’t want to be romantic, we’ve become good friends and often socialize in and out of the office.
It’s common for the three of us to be together these days rather than just Poppy and me.
However, I’ve not revealed my pregnancy, hiding behind baggy clothes and empire-waist dresses.
I’ve still only told Lily and Poppy. I’m too afraid to tell my parents for fear of more disappointment, and I’m not sure what will happen when Jackson finds out.
I don’t want to burden him with the secret, nor do I want to ruin their friendship if he takes it badly or puts the blame solely on Eli.
I’m the only one who deserves that since the antibiotic issue was my fault.
Technically, though, I could pass the mistake off on the doctor who prescribed them.
The thing is, I don’t think of it as a mistake—it suddenly feels like a miracle.
I’m not sure when it switched, but I’m fully committed to being a mom, even looking forward to it.
I’m taking the role very seriously. No longer concerned about my mental health now that I understand why I’ve been so crazy, I’ve been much happier.
And realizing there’s something so important and dependent on me has made me determined to do everything right.
I have a lot of time to make up for since I didn’t find out I was pregnant for three months, so I’ve become obsessed with reading up on what I should do to ensure my baby’s health.
It’s given me something to focus on rather than Eli and has worked like a charm. Eli who?
While Matt and I are talking, the copy machine suddenly goes haywire, and papers start shooting out. I rush toward the end of the machine, reaching frantically to catch the flying papers, when a sharp pain in my abdomen brings me to my knees, and I clutch my stomach in agony.
Matt crouches beside me. “Cici, what’s wrong?” he asks frantically.
“I don’t know. Shit. Can you find Poppy?” I croak out through the pain.
He doesn’t move. “Do you need a doctor? Should I call 911?”
I shake my head fiercely. “No. Just get Poppy. Please,” I plead.
“All right, I’ll be right back,” he says, racing from the room.
It still feels like a knife is stabbing me as I rock back and forth. Please, please, please let my baby be okay, I plead to God. Less than a minute passes before Poppy is next to me, frantic.
“Cici, what’s happening?”
“I’m not sure, but something’s wrong. It felt like something tore when I reached for the papers. I’m freaking out.” I look over with tears about to fall.
“Don’t panic. I’m sure everything’s fine. I’ll drive you in, and we’ll call on the way.” She stands and asks Matt, who’s completely lost, “Will you help me get her to the car?”
“Yeah, absolutely.” He lowers. “Can you stand, or do you want me to carry you?”
I groan at the thought of Matt carrying me out of the office for everyone to gawk at. “Help me up first.”
He maneuvers under my arm and lifts slightly, only to hear me gasp halfway up. Mortification it is. “Never mind. Can you carry me?”
“Of course. I’ll be as gentle as possible, okay?” he assures before grabbing under my knees and hefting me into his arms. My body being folded seems to keep the pain at bay.
“Thank you, this is better,” I say to ease his obvious distress.
“Matt, I need to grab our purses. I’ll hurry and meet you at my car.” She starts to leave, but Matt’s voice stops her in her tracks.
“Poppy, wait. I’ll drive so you can sit in the back with Cici.”
She looks at me in question, knowing he’ll find out about the baby if he drives us. But right now, I don’t care. I’d rather have her beside me like he suggested, and it was bound to come out soon anyway. I nod.
“Okay. I’ll be right there,” she says before rushing out.
We field questions the whole way until he’s opening the door to his truck and sliding me into the back seat.
I’m doing okay as long as I stay hunched and minimize my movement, other than my mind running through all the possibilities of what could be happening—none of them good.
Seconds later, Poppy climbs in, and Matt pulls out of the parking lot.
I curl into Poppy. “I’m scared. What if—”
“Sssh. Think positive. Let’s not jump to conclusions. How about we call your doctor and tell her we’re on our way?” She squeezes me and rubs my arm, holding me against her. They answer quickly, and I listen as she tells the office what’s happening. After a few times back and forth, she hangs up.
“Okay, they said L&D will admit you, and Dr. Bell will meet us. Try to stay calm. It’s better for….” She pauses, looking stricken as she glances toward the front seat.
“The baby?” Matt finishes her sentence, continuing, “I know what L&D is. Labor and delivery?”
We make eye contact in the rearview mirror, but I can’t tell where his thoughts are.
“Yeah,” I admit.
He sighs. “Was that the reason for your friends-only spiel?”
“No, I had no idea I was pregnant then,” I say and shrug. “But I suppose in a way, since the dad was the reason.”
He looks concerned. “Should you be calling him?”
“He doesn’t know,” Poppy intervenes. She’s still unhappy that I haven’t told Eli.
Matt immediately appears angry. “How far along are you?” The accusation is loud and clear.
“Don’t judge me,” I snap. “It’s complicated.”
He immediately backtracks. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to. It’s just that I’d be pissed if a woman kept that from me.”
“I will tell him. It just hasn’t been the right time. Plus, I’ve been coming to terms with it myself. I’m five months.”
He blows out a breath. “Wow. I can’t believe you’ve been able to hide it. And everything is good? Well, until this?”
His concern is sweet, and it’s obvious he cares, which sends me into another fit of tears. “It’s been perfect until now. What if…?” I sniffle, unable to say the words.
“Ssssh. Everything’s okay. Look, we’re almost there,” Poppy coos next to me. “Don’t cry, sweetie. Stay strong for the baby.”
I’m frantically wiping my tears away as we pull into the parking lot when the car jostles over a bump, making me hiss from another jolt of pain.
“Shoot, I’m sorry. I was trying to hurry,” Matt apologizes.
Poppy pats his shoulder. “It’s okay, Matt. Thank you for taking us. Pull up in front of emergency, and we’ll go to labor and delivery from there.”
He gently swings the car in, slowly coming to a stop, careful not to shake me any more.
“Should I get a wheelchair?” Poppy stands at the open door with Matt walking up behind her.
Matt nods. “Go ahead. I’ll lift her in.”
“I can probably just walk.”
“No,” they both say in unison. It breaks the tension and causes us all to chuckle before Poppy heads inside to grab a chair.
Matt steps up to the seat and moves my hair behind my ear. “Hey. I’m sorry if I was harsh earlier. That wasn’t fair. I’m here for you if you need more people in your corner. I want to help if I can. I care about you… in a friendly way.” He winks, pulling another smile from me.
“Thanks, Matt. I could use the support. You’re only the third person to find out, so I’ll take you up on that. A guy’s perspective would be nice.”
“You got it. Head on in with Poppy, and I’ll park the car. I’ll be right behind you,” he says as he reaches to lift me into the chair Poppy parked behind him.
It’s still uncomfortable, and now that we’re here, I’m freaking out again.
Am I being punished for not telling Eli?
Is this what a miscarriage feels like? I thought I was past that point, but I guess it can happen at any time.
Please, please don’t let that be what’s happening.
Starting two months ago when I discovered a tiny life growing inside me, I’ve wanted this baby more than I’ve wanted anything in my life. Now, I’ll do anything to protect it.
After being checked in and settled into a room, Poppy and Matt sit beside the bed while Dr. Bell prepares to do an ultrasound. The nurse said the baby’s heartbeat is strong, thank God. It allowed for some relief, but I won’t be at ease until I’m assured that everything is okay.
We had to tell the staff that Matt was the father so they’d let him in the room, and it added another layer of guilt over keeping this from Eli.
I’ve decided to call him tonight if everything turns out okay.
Matt’s opinion is another reason for my decision because deep down I know he’s right—Eli deserves the truth.
This is my first ultrasound so far. I had one scheduled for Monday that I probably won’t need now. I’m still saying my prayers as Dr. Bell spreads warm goop all over my lower belly.
“All right, Cici, tell me how you’ve been feeling until this afternoon.” She starts moving a wand-type thing with a smooth, flat bottom over my stomach to spread the gel.
“Normal. Nothing out of the ordinary.”
“And what happened today?”
I told her everything from the copy room incident until we arrived at the hospital.
“How is your pain level now?” She moves the wand around, and the screen changes as she does, but I can’t make out a darn thing. She pauses, punching in numbers, repeating the pattern a few times, still not saying anything to ease my fear.
“It’s been better since I’ve been here, but I haven’t tried to stand yet, and that’s when it really hurts. Straightening is the worst.”
Dr. Bell smiles. “Well, I can assure you the baby is doing great. The heartbeat is strong, and everything is as it should be. Your placenta looks normal, and here—” She rubs the wand over a particular spot and finagles it for a few seconds before an unmistakable shape shows on the screen. “—is your baby.”
Poppy squeezes my hand as I wipe the tears away to see better. That’s my baby. Oh my God, I’m going to be a mother. It’s really happening, and an incredible feeling of joy washes over me. If only Eli were here to share this moment.