Chapter 18 Miserable
MISERABLE
Cici
I knew what I was waking up to this morning, so of course, it was the first thing I Googled after reaching for my phone.
My immediate reaction was absolute devastation for the first ten minutes of internet stalking.
But then I started fixating on the fact that there’s something off about their pictures.
They don’t look right, and not just the fact that they shouldn’t be together, but more than that. I just can’t quite put my finger on it.
When they all blur together, I have to quit looking and go to the kitchen for a cup of tea. Bringing it back to bed with me, I dial Lily, who answers on the first ring.
“Good morning, sunshine. I’ve seen as much as I can online. How was it?” I ask, getting straight to the point.
“It was interesting. I tried to give her a chance… for a second. But it turns out I definitely don’t like her.
We’re supposed to have brunch in a couple weeks over here to ‘get to know each other.’ Honestly, I think it’s a waste of time.
I know everything I need to. There’s something off about her. ”
“Lily, you’re only saying that because you wanted him to be with me. You can’t blame that on her.”
“I can do anything I want. Besides, it’s not just that.
You should have seen her last night, parading around like she was the prize to be had.
It was disgusting if you ask me. And then, when I said that I wished you were there instead of Eli telling you over the phone, you should have seen the look on her face. ”
“You said what? Why would you do that?”
“Why else? I wanted to see her reaction, and boy, it did not disappoint. Her talons came right out. She tried to hide it, but I saw her initial shock when I outed him. But then she let her bitch show and made some crap up about both of them deciding it would be best if you weren’t there.
I call bullshit. And the look on Eli’s face only confirmed it. ”
“Lily…,” I admonish.
“Oh, and you should have seen Jackson after that. He was worse than me. Told her that you were family and that she better get used to having you around.” Lily laughs at the memory. “I’m not the only one who doesn’t approve.”
My head looks up to the sky as I groan, “You guys shouldn’t be acting like that. This was my decision, not Eli’s. You can’t blame her. Now I feel bad for both of them.”
“Well, don’t. What you need to do is figure out how to spill the news, and you need to do it soon. Don’t let them get too far into this before you blow it up.”
“LILY! I’m not blowing anything up. Even if I do tell him, it’s only to let him know that he’s having a child, not for him to be with me.”
“You mean when you tell him, not if. I mean it, Cici, I’m not keeping this secret forever. I’ll give you two more weeks, and that’s it.”
“It’s my choice, Lily, since it’s my baby.”
“That’s crap. It’s my niece or nephew, and they deserve to have a father.” She pauses and sighs dramatically. “Also, I’d really like my baby to grow up knowing they have a cousin.”
“Wait, what?”
“I’m pregnant, Cici. I just found out. We’re having babies together!”
“Oh my God! I’m so excited!”
“Me too. So you’ll tell him, right?”
“I will. I just need to figure out how. But I’m so happy for you, Lily!”
“I’m happy for us.”
It’s been a week since the engagement party, and I have one more before Lily puts her foot down. Until then, I need to figure out what to say and how to say it. I’ve somewhat relaxed and restricted myself to only looking at their pictures once a day. Okay—maybe twice. But today doesn’t count.
I’m considering it research to help prepare for breaking the news.
Poppy is on her way, and she better be here soon because my mind is going crazy with possibilities.
I’ve gone back and forth about what to tell him.
It’s terrible that I’ve let it go this far without confessing.
Even my counselor has been encouraging me to do it.
When I first found out, I was in shock, of course, but then I almost felt like a hypocrite committing to a child after telling him I couldn’t commit to marriage.
How was it so easy for me to admit my love for our baby, but could never own up to my love for him?
I always knew I loved Eli, but my damn phobia issue wouldn’t allow me to give in to it.
Now I’m worried he’ll be so angry about my deception that he’ll reject anything I say.
Not to mention, he’s fricking engaged to another woman.
I’ve only made it worse by waiting, but fear is a powerful thing.
Thank God for the sound of the doorbell, immediately followed by the door opening to reveal my redheaded spitfire of a friend. I need her spunk right now to pull me out of my spiraling thoughts and set me back on track.
“Why are you sitting in the dark?” she asks when her eyes land on my form in the middle of the couch.
I look around, taking in the room. “I didn’t realize it was dark yet. I’ve been staring at the computer for the last hour, waiting for you.”
She flips the lights on and cocks her head. “Dare I ask what you’ve been staring at, or do I even need to?”
“No. You don’t. And I’m only looking because I knew what we were doing tonight. I thought it would help set the tone.”
“Sure, you did.” She plops down next to me. “Let me see while you pour me some wine and refill your tea.”
I hand her the computer and go to the kitchen, pulling a bottle of white from the fridge before heating my water. I’m filling her glass when I hear the printer going. Two seconds later, Poppy scurries past the kitchen and into the office, coming back with a piece of paper in her hand.
“What did you print?” I ask as she fishes around the junk drawer and extracts a pair of scissors.
“I decided we need a prop for you to talk to, so… I printed one of the pictures where they’re not plastered together to cut them apart.” She holds up the half with Eli on it, then hands me the other and says, “Here, you can do the honor of ripping this one to shreds.”
“Poppy, I don’t hate Rebecca. It’s not her fault I am the way I am.”
“It’s her fault you haven’t told him, though. Come on, it’s part of the process.”
My head drops and I shake it. “This feels wrong.”
“Admit it, you’re sort of excited. Go on, do it,” she encourages.
Holding it up, I look at the picture while Poppy takes over making my tea.
It’s weird seeing Rebecca on her own. She’s happy, but there’s something else, too, that I can’t quite put my finger on.
Poppy’s right—I do want to tear it to pieces.
She may not be at fault, but a part of me blames her for seeking him out.
I know she did, especially after that conversation in the office way back when.
To go after him when she knew we dated is what I’m angriest over.
On the other hand, Eli deserves to be happy, though I hate that it’s with someone I know.
With one last sigh, I hold the paper up and rip her in two, then stack the halves to do it again and again and again until the pieces are so small that I can’t anymore. A huge smile breaks out. Poppy and I look at each other and immediately start cracking up.
“That was fun,” she says when we calm down. “Cheers.”
We clink glasses and sip.
“Now take this one, look him in the eyes, and tell him what you want to say.” She hands me the picture of Eli, and I stare at it.
It strikes me immediately. Something’s missing.
Eli doesn’t look happy at all. He seems downright miserable.
What the hell? It’s so obvious now that they’re not next to each other.
Her happiness must have drowned his misery out.
I suppose they could have had a spat right before arriving, but something tells me that’s not the case with Rebecca’s unmistakable joy.
“This is all I needed. I’m ready,” I state matter-of-factly.
“Good. Let’s hear it, then.”
“No. I mean, I’m ready to tell him. In person. To his face.”
“Wellll, okay then. Do you want to FaceTime him?”
“No, I want to go there and talk to him. I need to make sure he’s happy. He doesn’t look like it in this picture. Can you tell?” I hold it up for her.
“I mean, I don’t know him, but now that you point it out, I’d say he’s not the most jovial guy I’ve ever seen. Is he usually? Or is this his general demeanor?” Poppy asks while studying it.
“He’s usually happy-go-lucky—this is definitely not his normal MO. What if there’s more to the story? What if Rebecca’s holding something over his head, forcing him to marry her? What if she’s pregnant? What if he’s being trapped?” I practically yell the last part.
“Whoa, Cici. Slow down a minute and climb out of the rabbit hole you just fell into. They may have had a spat or something. I’m certainly not team Rebecca, but I’d hate for you to get your hopes up over one picture.
And why are you suddenly starting to sound like you want them not to be together? You still love him, don’t you?”
“I never said I loved him.”
“You didn’t have to.”
I inhale deeply as the tears start to form, and the truth I’ve been denying far too long starts tumbling out.
“Yes, dammit. I still love him. And now that it’s too late, I’d die for a chance to be with him.
It’s almost like as soon as it wasn’t an option, that’s when I decided I was ready.
I’m such a cliché, only wanting what I can’t have.
” I chuckle through my tears and shake my head.
“Or perhaps you just needed the option taken away to realize what you wanted. I’m worried about you, though. I don’t want you to set yourself up for disappointment.”
“Trust me, I’m not. And my goal isn’t to get him back. I’m just hoping that if I tell him in person, he won’t completely hate me for keeping it from him for so long. Plus, this way, I can tell my parents and brother while I’m there.”
“I’m pretty sure they’ll notice something before the words make it out of your mouth.” Poppy gestures to my belly. “Are you sure you don’t want to give them a heads-up or something so they don’t have a heart attack right when they open the door?”
“Nah. It’ll be fun to see the looks on their faces.” I laugh, imagining their reaction.
“That’s crazy. I can’t imagine not telling my family I was pregnant for six months.”
“I’ve had you, Matt, and Lily, so I didn’t need to. Speaking of Lily, I better tell her I’m coming. I’ll book a ticket for the week after next, even though it’s past my deadline. I’m sure she’ll just be relieved that I’m doing it.”
“Well, now that that’s decided, we better work out what you’ll say. Come on, bring him with you and let’s go practice.”
Only a few more days until I go home to drop the bombshell on everyone’s lap.
I’m starting to get cold feet and seriously contemplating doing it by phone.
If Lily and Poppy weren’t holding me accountable, I’d probably have already cancelled.
On the phone today, after being filled in on their brunch this morning, which unsurprisingly didn’t end well, I’d simply made a single comment about not coming this week, and she was having none of it.
So I took advantage of my lazy day and packed a small suitcase for the trip. Other than that, I’ve been relaxing since it’s Sunday and I’ll have enough excitement in my life after everyone knows about the baby.
The pregnancy has been going well, but I think the stress of what I’m about to do has been disrupting my sleep, and I’ve been more tired than usual, which is adding to my anxiety. And because of that, I’m in the kitchen again, snacking like I’ve been doing all day.
I’m surfing the web while munching and looking for something to make for dinner tonight when my phone lights up with a call from Lily.
“Hey, Lils,” I say after bringing it to my ear.
Not even a second passes before her words come out frantic. “Eli got in an accident racing today. He’s in the hospital.”
“What? Is he okay?” My hand flies to my chest as my heart starts beating a thousand miles a minute.
“Not really…. He’s in a coma. They don’t know when he’ll wake up.”
“But he will, right? Wake up?”
“They can’t say for sure.”
“No.” I’m shaking my head while tears stream down as I quietly weep. “No, Lily. He has to be okay. He’s going to be a father.”
Her words are gentle. “I know you’ll be here Wednesday, but I thought you might want to come now.”
“Oh my God, I can’t even think straight. Of course I do. I’ll come tonight if I can. I’ll call right now to switch my ticket. I’ll keep you posted. Call if anything changes.”
“I will. Talk soon.”
I hang up, feeling like my world just caved in.