Chapter 20 Change of Heart
CHANGE OF HEART
Cici
Crap. I didn’t think this through. The second I step outside the airport, it dawns on me that Jackson has no idea I’m pregnant, and there’s no hiding it at this point.
In my defense, it was one of the longest nights of my life, wondering if I would be too late when I couldn’t get a flight to San Diego yesterday.
I ended up booking the earliest one for this morning and was significantly sleep-deprived when texting my brother during the layover.
Although under duress, I should’ve figured something else out, because I have enough to deal with as it is.
Uber came to mind, but I didn’t want my bag at the hospital, and there’s no way I would’ve stopped to drop it off first. Lily is with Sebastian, watching over Eli and sending updates, so she wasn’t an option either.
Poor Sebastian. Eli isn’t only his twin brother but all the family he has left.
Thank God he has Lily, but I imagine he’s going through hell.
So far, Eli is still unconscious with no prognosis as to when he’ll wake.
I’m sure I’ll find out more soon, but all I care about now is seeing for myself that he’s alive and breathing.
When I spot Jackson’s car, I take a deep breath and prepare myself for the onslaught of questions. It’s my fault I’m in this predicament, and in hindsight, keeping this from my family may not have been the wisest idea I’ve had. Oh well, it’s happening whether I’m ready or not.
Jackson gets out as I approach the car idling at the curb.
His smile is tentative when he sees me—he’s happy I’m here but not under these conditions.
While he doesn’t know the full extent of why I flew hundreds of miles to be here, he was aware of my complicated relationship with Eli and my feelings for him, whether I admitted it or not.
But he’s about to find out how much more complex it is.
As I close in, he holds his arms out for a hug but steps back in shock when I reach him.
“What the hell, Cici?”
I balance the orchid I brought with me on my bag, and I hold my arms out wide. “Surprise!” I say with a nervous smile.
“Surprise? Are you shitting me right now? You’re way fucking pregnant. How far are you?”
“Six months?” I squeak out reluctantly and cringe preemptively at the reaction I’m expecting.
His eyes close as he runs his hand through his hair, and then they open with an understanding accompanied by pity. “Shit.” His head drops and shakes side to side a couple times before lifting. “Eli?”
All I can do is nod as the tears pool and gently flow over.
“Fuck. Come here.” He wraps me in his arms and holds me while I sob.
“I’m sorry.” Hiccup. “I didn’t—” Hiccup. “—find out—” Hiccup. “—right away.” Hiccup.
He continues to rub my back and sighs loudly. “Yeah, well, I’m assuming you knew before now. Why didn’t you say anything? Dammit, Cici.”
The comfort from his hand rubbing my back is calming, but I stay snuggled up, not ready to face him yet. “I wasn’t sure what to say. Surprise! I got knocked up by accident, and I’m having a baby?”
“That motherfucker’s letting you do this alone? I’m gonna kill him if he didn’t already do it himself.”
At that, I pull back in shock. “Jackson, don’t say that.
” New tears start falling. “He can’t die.
He doesn’t know.” I shake my head. “He has no idea he’s going to be a dad, and it’s all my fault he’s in the hospital.
If I’d told him sooner, he wouldn’t have been racing and fighting for his life right now. ”
He crushes me back into him. “Shhh. It’s nobody’s fault, Cici. Accidents happen, and he may still have been racing even if he knew. You can’t blame yourself.”
Taking a deep breath, I step back. “Let’s go. I need to see him. We can talk more on the way.”
He nods and loads my bag into the trunk, asking, “What’s with the orchid? Isn’t that the same one you took to Bozeman with you?”
“Yeah. I don’t know. It’s special. And I thought it would be good to put in Eli’s room.”
He shrugs. “Hm. Okay. Well, let’s get going, then.”
Right before he pulls away from the curb, I place my hand over his on the gear shift and look him in the eyes. “Jackson, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
He chuckles. “I love you, Cici, but you’re not getting off the hook that easy. Nice try, though. Let’s get you to the hospital.”
On the way there, he peppers me with questions on how the pregnancy has gone and why I didn’t tell Eli.
He updates me on his life with Mia, then fills me in on Eli’s engagement party.
The most surprising part is how Eli has been acting since telling them about Rebecca.
Both Braden and my brother agree that he doesn’t seem to portray the besotted fiancé he should, and instead, has been more moody than usual.
That lines up with what I detected in the photos that night with Poppy but still makes no sense. Why would he be unhappy unless there’s more to the story than meets the eye? Am I right about Rebecca holding something over his head?
Jackson takes a call from Mia, which gives me time to think, and the more I do, the more certain I am that something doesn’t add up. Between what Lily has told me, the pictures, and now this, I’m not leaving until I figure out what the deal is.
My stomach dips as we walk into the hospital entrance. I’m relieved to see Lily waiting right inside the doors. According to her response moments ago when I texted that we were pulling in, his condition hasn’t changed.
“Wow, look at you,” she says, holding her arms out for a hug as she stares down at my belly.
I chuckle at first but burst into tears again when we embrace—fricking story of my life for the past six months.
She rubs my back. “Oh, sweetie. It’ll be okay. Everything will work out. Don’t you always say everything happens for a reason?” She pushes my shoulders away and holds on to me with a stern expression. “You need to believe that now more than ever.”
“I’m trying, but it’s hard. All I can think is that it’s my fault he’s here for not telling him.” My hands fly up in frustration.
“No. Stop it. You can’t live by what-ifs.”
“That’s basically what I told her,” Jackson says from beside us, making me roll my eyes.
“Can I see him?” I can’t imagine coming all this way and not being allowed in the room, and I didn’t even consider the possibility until now. I’m not his wife, a family member, or his fiancée. Does the child I’m carrying count? I’m relieved I don’t have to pull that card when she answers.
“You can, but I should warn you… Rebecca’s there, right at his bedside. Your secret will be out the minute she sees you.”
Jackson snorts. “You got that right.”
I backhand him in the arm. “Shut up.” Turning back to Lily, I say, “How did Sebastian handle the news?”
She asked me last night if letting him in on my secret was okay since she knew I’d be here today. She didn’t want to spring it on him and add to the stress he’s already under. She also wanted to be the one to tell him and explain why she didn’t say anything, which I totally understand.
She winces. “Weird is the only word I have for it. But thankfully, he’s not mad at me for keeping it from him… or mad at you,” she tacks on when my head drops in shame. “Don’t worry, I’ll explain later. Come on, though, let’s get you in there.”
“What do I tell Rebecca when she sees I’m pregnant?” I ask as we weave through the hospital. Thank goodness she met us at the entrance because I never would have found my way.
“That it’s Eli’s and she should bow out now.”
Jackson belts out a laugh next to me.
“Lily, I’m serious, what do I say?”
“I was being serious. But if you’re not ready for that, then don’t say anything at all. What’s she gonna do—ask who the father is? No one does that.”
“Okay, you’re right. I won’t say anything. She’s probably too distraught to care anyway.”
“Right…,” Lily says sarcastically as she rolls her eyes, which makes me wonder if she’s genuinely getting bad vibes from Rebecca or if her animosity is only because she’s in the way of Eli and me being together—something that isn’t even on the table.
We come to a door, and she stops, turning to me. “Are you ready?”
Not in the slightest.
I nod.
She looks to Jackson. “Do you mind waiting outside? I don’t think they want too many people in the room at once. Actually, Sebastian needs a break—would it be okay if I ask him to go with you to grab coffee or something?”
“Sure. I’ll be right here. Send him out.” He smiles and leans his back against the wall.
The door opens into a bright room, the sun shining through the large window.
The first thing I notice is Sebastian sitting on a love seat against the wall, and then the beeping from a machine in the background.
I’m afraid to look toward the bed. I haven’t asked specifics and have no idea if he has a tube down his throat or is breathing on his own.
I don’t know if he’s bruised or bloody or what the hell to expect, and now I’m kicking myself for not thinking of these things earlier.
Suddenly the urgency to see him is overshadowed by the fear of seeing him.
So as a stall tactic, I walk straight toward Sebastian, who’s now standing, and hug him.
“I’m so sorry, Sebastian. He’ll be okay.” He has to be.
Both are sentiments one is supposed to say but have more meaning for me than anyone knows.
“He will. He has more to live for than just me now.” His arms tighten for a millisecond at the last statement before releasing me. I’m sure he’s referring to what Lily told him last night, but Rebecca probably assumes he’s talking about her.
She’s facing away from the door and hasn’t seen me yet, so there’s no way she’ll make the connection.
Stepping back, Sebastian glances at my stomach before quickly returning his gaze upward.
His suffering is written in his features, and once again, the guilt creeps in, knowing I possibly could’ve prevented this from happening.