Nudge 32 The Passport Holder
The Passport Holder
‘You’re an idiot,’ Devi snaps at me, less than thirty minutes after I’ve rolled through my door.
I made the mistake of sharing my eye-wateringly expensive taxi’s ETA with them when I left Evie’s house.
The girls showed up at my door before I’d even unpacked my bag, and they wasted no time with their interrogation.
We went through it all, with gasps and cheers at the highs and an uncharacteristic silence at the inevitable lows.
That was, of course, until Devi worked up the courage to say what the other nodding pair were apparently thinking .
. . That my reaction was possibly just a teensy, little, tiny bit unfair to Aiden.
‘You didn’t see the messages in all their gross boy-chat glory,’ I say. ‘They were just a reminder that he will never get over who I was in school. And I am and will always be that girl.’
‘Are you?’ Raina asks sceptically.
‘He still calls me Maddy, for God’s sake.’ I collapse on my bed beside Raina.
My stomach flips on itself when I think of the breathy way he said my name in bed. Followed quickly by another wash of sadness as I remember the worry he injected into just three syllables when he saw me after his shower.
‘Honestly, Mads, you’ve been a whole lot different lately.’ Kimi gets comfortable at the foot of my bed. ‘A few months ago, would you have even considered jumping into bed with a guy on a work trip?’
I lie. ‘Maybe.’
But it’s no use. I’m hit with a wave of synchronised screeching laughter.
‘That’s not the point,’ I say. ‘The point is that to him and his friends, I will always be Moany Maddy.’
‘And he’ll always be our Primary School Prick,’ Kimi says. ‘Doesn’t mean we won’t like him if he makes you that happy.’
Raina and Devi make sounds of agreement, and I close my eyes trying to block it all out.
‘The happiness was a lie,’ I say.
‘Babes, I can’t lie, I still don’t get how you’ve reached this conclusion . . .’ Kimi’s face is scrunched tightly into a firm, puckered ball. It’s her trying face. Her ‘I will not judge you, but I really, really want to’ face.
‘I read their group chat.’ I enunciate each word slowly.
‘And you saw how many messages from him?’ Raina asks.
‘I was reading previews on his lock screen. I wouldn’t have seen messages from him anyway.’
Devi chimes in. ‘So, zero. I heard zero.’
‘And when you tried to avoid the subject, he insisted you talk about it?’ Raina asks.
‘Well, yes, but—’
‘Just like he did when he finally made you talk about May Madness and apologised for his small role,’ she continues. ‘Which, by the way . . . I love you, Mads, but you had massively overplayed how involved he was in that.’
‘He stood there while she mocked me! Using his words!’ I say.
‘A total dick move, of course.’ Devi nods. ‘But you’ve always made it sound like he was the one throwing the punches.’
‘Because it felt like he was!’
‘Because you’ve always liked him!’
‘Devi!’ Kimi and Raina scream in unison.
I sit up, horrified. They grow silent, passing scared but knowing looks between them. None of them dare look my way as Devi scrambles for more words.
‘I’m s-sorry, it just slipped out,’ she stammers.
‘What? What’s going on?’ I ask.
They stay mute, deeply guilty frowns on their faces.
‘Guys?’
The silence continues. Eventually, Raina takes one for the team, letting out a long, pained sigh as she lifts her eyes back up to my face.
‘We always said we weren’t going to say anything,’ she says, as the others nod softly.
‘We were waiting for you to figure it out for yourself, if you even wanted to. But then you kissed him and he knocked on your bedroom door, and we were hoping we’d be over pretending that you haven’t always been pining for him. ’
I instantly choke on my spit, coughing and spluttering as Raina rubs my back and Kimi screams at me to breathe.
‘I’m fine,’ I pant, trying to regain my composure. ‘I just – what? Pining for Aiden?’
‘Mads, no one stays that obsessed with someone for that many years,’ Raina says, softly shaking her head. ‘Even if they felt like they made a fool of them at uni.’
‘If it helps, he is as equally into you,’ Devi adds.
Kimi muses, ‘Maybe even more so.’
I instantly shake my head. ‘You guys are so wrong. I read—’
‘The group chat.’ They finish for me in high-pitched, mocking voices.
‘His friends are trash – we know this. But I think you’re too quick to assume he’s the same. From what you’ve said, it sounded like he was mad at them too,’ Raina says.
‘You don’t know that.’
‘And neither do you, because you didn’t give him a chance to talk about it!’ Kimi says. ‘You got scared and ran, and I get it, I do. But you made us promise we’d stop you from wading and get your butt diving, so that is what we’re going to do.’
‘He’s in your office tomorrow, right?’ Devi asks, as the three of them reanimate.
‘Yep, and then every day until the Summer Splash. We had to amend our initial schedule.’
‘Perfect!’ she says, before glancing over to Raina’s ready-to-burst face. ‘Raina, go on.’
‘Go to him!’ Raina says. ‘Apologise for overthinking and tell him that you want to see where this goes!’
‘Whoa, slow down,’ I say as I watch the usually-so-cynical Devi and Kimi nod in agreement. ‘I get it, I jumped to conclusions. But we don’t even know if he wants to see where this goes.’
‘Yes, we do, you moron! He basically screamed it with his sadness!’ Devi huffs. ‘And you will find that out when you sit down and have an honest conversation with him.’
‘Exactly!’ Kimi says. ‘You will go in tomorrow and you will tell him how you feel, in the lowest-cut top and shortest skirt you can get away with in the office.’
But it doesn’t feel that easy, even after the pep talk from the girls. No action feels big enough. When we argued in that bedroom, I watched his face drop in front of me and every shred of trust we’d worked up shatter into a million pieces.
I lie back on my bed the second they leave and scroll through the months of text messages between me and Aiden.
There are hundreds of them, thousands maybe, dating back to the first day I sent him that video from Paint That Mate.
What started as the occasional bit of proof quickly grew into day-to-day conversation, little anecdotes and inside jokes.
I flick through bored selfies from Meeting Room H, scribbled drawings of event concepts, the stupid pictures of us posing in the aisles of the supply warehouse, and even the Polaroid strip from the water park that he insisted on keeping.
At some point, without realising, Aiden Edwards and I became friends.
Quite soon after that, we were openly flirting with each other.
And I threw it all away on some stale history and an angry assumption.
I barely sleep Sunday night, too anxious for the morning and the sheer amount of making up that I must do.
On Monday, I keep my outfit simple but intentional, pairing a smart top with the bell-bottom jeans he noticed months ago.
I take no risks ruining my light make-up, or the forty minutes spent on my hair, and leave early enough to make it to the office stress-free.
My stomach quivers every minute until 9.
45, as I await his arrival and my imminent plea for forgiveness.
But I embrace the queasiness. It’s a sign that I’m able to feel something for him. That he is worth the stress.
The shrill, piercing ring of my desk phone makes me practically jump from my seat, but my heart recovers just as quickly. It’s time. I hold it firmly to my ear.
‘Package for you.’ The receptionist quickly hangs up.
My stomach drops, but it’s fine. He’s simply not here yet. He still has fifteen minutes. He’ll get here, he always does. In the meantime, I have more than enough work to distract myself with, including whatever is at Reception.
Pippa asks what it is the second I come back upstairs, whining like a child until I agree to open it at my desk. I gasp immediately as I unravel the last of the tissue paper. There, in my hands, sits the first Abbingtorn x Evie exclusive passport cover.
‘It’s gorgeous,’ I whisper as I stare down at it.
The leather is soft in my hand, boasting the beautiful artwork.
Pippa cheers as she peeks over my shoulder. ‘Design really came through!’
‘This one was all me and Aiden,’ I say.
A few months ago, in the midst of all our event madness, Aiden and I got sick of the back-and-forth with the design team.
They wouldn’t respect me enough to go forward with my ideas, insisting they weren’t possible or that they just knew better.
I have a sneaky suspicion that it had something to do with Pippa’s work husband heading up the team.
Sensing my frustration, Aiden suggested we design a concept for ourselves, putting it forward with the others for Evie’s selection.
We worked late nights and early mornings, doing it in our own time and ensuring that it didn’t hinder our actual Summer Splash tasks.
He would draw as I threw fragmented ideas at the wall, weaving them into exactly what I had in my head.
Our final design was a masterpiece that we were both proud to call ours, and it won Evie’s heart by a landslide.
Now here it is, a product of the two of us and our hard work, resting between my palms.
‘I can’t wait to show him,’ I say, clutching it to my chest.
‘Oooh, can I join the call too?’ Pippa asks. ‘I’d love to see his face when he sees it.’
‘Why would I call him? He’ll be here any minute now.’
Her smile grows exponentially. ‘Wait, you don’t know?’
I stare back at her blankly, the corners of her mouth shooting further up her cheeks the longer I stare. It’s too smug, too gleeful to be good news. My stomach starts to churn.
‘Max and Olly got an email from Evie last night. It said that you two are at a point where he can stay in Evie’s office for the final stages of this,’ she says. ‘I was very surprised, I thought you were joined at the hip. And I’m really shocked he didn’t tell you himself.’
She tries to fake apathy, but she can’t stop the smile glued to her face. It stings just as sharply as her last sentence.
I’m really shocked he didn’t tell you himself.
I lie. ‘Yeah, sorry, he did. It totally slipped my mind.’
Then I put on a pair of earphones and turn my music up loud, reverting my eyes back to my open spreadsheet before she can question me further.
I can’t focus on the spreadsheet, or the music, or anything else; all I can think about is how he’s not here and won’t be here again. He can’t stand to see me and he couldn’t even tell me himself. This can’t be it. I still have so much to say.
I open up a blank email, close it and reach for my phone, keying in a few numbers before dropping that too.
It’s not good enough – nothing is. He doesn’t care any more, because I panicked and pulled away from something that really could have been worth caring about.
And for what? An old rivalry and some stupid remarks from people whose names I barely remember?
I should have let him talk, but I was too proud. Too afraid of what he might have said.
It’s all too much. My head’s spinning like it was in that boardroom and my heart’s beating so loud I can hear it in my ears. My breaths are coming too quickly, lungs shaking as they try to keep up with the demand. My vision closes in and my fingers tingle as I feel fear overcome me.
But I can’t today.
I will not.
Not in front of Gus and certainly not in front of Pippa.
Let’s breathe together. Copy me – in and out. Aiden’s voice sounds in my head, smooth, sure and steady.
I shut my eyes and obey it, remembering how it felt when his hands traced patterns on the back of my arm.
Breath by breath I get slower, chest rising and falling to the command of the man occupying my thoughts.
I lay one arm firmly on my desk, using the other to softly trace letters across the surface of my skin.
A-I-D-E-N I spell out, slowly and surely, as I feel my lungs settle into their usual rhythm.
‘Maddison?’ Pippa asks. I pause the music and look up. ‘My report? It’s due later.’
I nod back at her, shaking off what almost was and diverting my attention back to my screen. The report will get done, but first I have bigger matters at hand.
I open up a new window, keying in the website and clicking purchase before I can change my mind. He’ll complain, but, unfortunately, he has no choice. I need an escape and he is my only solution.
Bought a train ticket. See u this weekend x
I type, ending with a kiss for extra emphasis.
I mentally pack my bag for the rest of the day. It’s time for a break. Time to go back to university.