1. Blair
Blair
Few months later…
“Considering the prices for food here… I cannot wait to come home. Have you been watering my plants?” I questioned Capri as I pushed the cart around the overpriced grocery store.
I had been in Los Angles for a little over two months with a new client of mine. Her husband played for the Los Angeles Porters, and she had her baby last week. As her postpartum doula, I was out grocery shopping for my last week working with her.
As good as the money was, I missed home, and this was never supposed to be a forever thing. I was an east coast girly through and through. I loved the warm weather, beautiful vibes, and picturesque views that Los Angeles offered, however, I was ready to head back home.
My client’s diet was strict after the baby and this grocery store was the only store in this whole city that had every ingredient that she needed. Since she was in the spotlight often, she was more concerned with ‘snapping back’ than actually healing and bonding with her baby. As a breastfeeding mama, she should have been consuming more calories than she was currently eating. Breastfeeding took a lot out of the mamas, and they needed to replenish with as much food that was being taken from them.
Ivory didn’t care about none of that. She was more concerned with showing her followers how quickly she could snap back after just having a baby. Considering how friendly her husband was always being, I understood why the pressure was on to lose all that baby weight and be back in the limelight with him.
“Actually, I stopped by your apartment after work to water the plants and pump because my breasts were killing me, and I wasn’t gonna make it home.”
I laughed because I could hear her smashing on something in my ear. “Is the breastfeeding something you’re going to continue?”
When Capri first started breastfeeding, she wanted nothing to do with it. Her supply was good, and she had no trouble producing milk. It was painful for her, and she was scared, which was normal for a first-time mother.
After showing her the way to breastfeed comfortably and giving her all the information that came with breastfeeding Rayce, she stuck with it. It helped that she had Meer, who was super dad. Capri didn’t have to lift a finger when it came to night feedings with Rayce. Soon as he heard the baby, he was up and getting her pillow so she could breastfeed.
They had argued a few times because he tried to pull her boob out while she slept to avoid waking her up when Rayce wanted to eat. Meer wanted to make everything easier for his wife, and he was excited to experience this at the same time. It was cute, because he was so clueless about everything that came with Rayce but was so open to learn and help Capri out with the baby.
Between her husband and family, when she needed help, everyone stepped in to be there for her. Capri had a support system that most women prayed to have when having their first child. It was a support system that I wanted to have when it was time for me to have my own children. I’ve always dreamed of having a family, husband, and everything that came with expecting your first child.
“Rayce didn’t take well to the formula that we tried with her, then Meer gave me the stink eye for two days because she had the runs and was spitting up, so I’m still going to be a cow.”
I laughed. “Don’t look at it like that… you are giving her the best nutrition and I know you’re pumping, so we still outside this summer once we’re back from Bali.”
She groaned into the phone. “I’m nervous about leaving my baby behind, Blair. I’ve never left her, and even now when I go into the office, it’s only for a few hours.”
Erin had planned a couple’s trip with everyone to Bali. She was focused on visiting an elephant retreat and all of us just having fun since she missed out on Italy. I was excited to visit Bali, and finally being able to put some space between me and work.
From the moment I rang the bell, I’ve been on go. I was on a flight that next week to come out to California. As much as I loved my career, it could become draining and depressing at times. These women needed me to advocate for them, and usher them into motherhood without any complications. With Ivory, she wanted me to come a month before she gave birth and stay for a month after to get her adjusted into motherhood.
As her postpartum doula, I was responsible for making sure that Ivory was set up for motherhood. I was caring for the baby when she went to nap, or some nights when she didn’t want to wake up with him. On top of preparing her breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I was teaching her everything she didn’t know about her body and baby.
When her husband was home, I was showing him the proper way to hold his son, and how he could help his wife once I was gone. Their home was beautiful, and the guest house was the size of someone’s actual home.
On the nights when she wanted me to handle the overnight routine, I slept in the baby’s nursery with him. It was hard having time for yourself when you were running around ragged, trying to make sure someone else was good.
Then, I had to take care of a precious baby boy, and I couldn’t help but to think of my own that I had lost. I often found myself staring into space, and wondering how my life would have been. It was one of the things that I could relate to Quasim with, and I never brought myself to tell him. It was too painful.
Too hard.
“Um, Blair?”
Capri’s voice brought me back to the conversation and my current task of finding the perfect organic mango for the sticky rice I was making for Ivory tonight.
“I’m sorry. What were we talking about?”
“Bali… I’m scared of leaving Rayce behind.” She jogged my memory, and I grabbed a few mangos and continued walking around the grocery store.
“Did you consider bringing her along? I know you don’t have a nanny right now because Gams and your mom watch her, but maybe you should consider one.”
Capri sighed into the phone. “Maybe I’m overreacting.”
“You’re not overacting, Suga. I told you if you want to bring Rayce, what the fuck everybody gonna say?” Meer’s voice boomed in the background.
“I know, Meer. I’m torn because going away and having fun sounds like a dream. No kids, and just the two of us… we need that.” She stressed to Meer.
Her words were followed with the sound of both of them sucking faces with each other. “Um, hello? I am still on the phone.”
“We married, Blair. You and Sim need to stop playing games so you can suck on his lips like I do my baby.” Meer’s smart ass countered.
I rolled my eyes while putting the four items on the conveyor belt and fishing in my purse for the credit card that Ivory’s husband had given me.
“Your brother is the only one that has been playing games, and I have moved on.” I swiped the credit card for the ridiculous amount that those four items cost, and quickly shoved them into the reusable bag before heading out the store.
“Moved on?”
“Um, Blair… I didn’t say anything to big mouth because you know how he is.” Capri whispered.
“Sug, you keeping secrets from your man? Who you moved on with, Blair ?” I watched the phone call drop, and the facetime video appeared across my screen.
Shoving my sunglasses up on my face, I accepted the facetime and watched Meer all in the camera. “Was it necessary for you to facetime me, Quameer?”
“You Rayce’s God mama, so I need to know what the hell you got going on… we all know you don’t make good decisions when it comes to men.” Meer faked a cough. “Like your husband.”
“Ex-husband… as soon as he signs the damn papers. Capri, you got a big ass mouth, too.” I reminded her.
Capri knew that me and Tookie were married because I shared it with her and Zoya in Miami. It was Zoya who took the lead on helping me file the divorce papers and sending them to him. Tookie refused to sign those damn papers, which pissed me off because I wanted to be done with him.
I went no contact with Tookie since he kidnapped me and Alaia, and then he showed up to my apartment like all was great in the world. As if he hadn’t violated me again without any remorse. I wished I would have left him and moved on after the first time he violated me. I was too damn weak, and a fool for thinking he was my family and that he really loved me. I hated that I was so desperate to be loved.
“You need to handle that shit before Sim find out about it.” Meer reminded me, which added a whole new level of stress.
I sighed as I climbed into the truck and rested my head on the headrest. “Does it matter if he finds out? Quasim has written whatever I thought we had off.”
“He has not.” Capri yelled in the background.
“Both of you make excuses for him, and honestly you need to stop. He’s a grown man and he should communicate with me. Instead, I get a scripture every Sunday and a generic check-in with me… I’m tired.”
Meer nodded his head because he understood where I was coming from when it came to his stubborn and weird ass brother. As much as Capri was my best friend, Quameer had become mine, too. If Capri left the room to go and do something, me and Meer would continue with the conversation. He was easy to talk with, mainly because he didn’t agree with everything Quasim did just for the sake of him being his brother.
“And this new nigga is the answer to your problems? Stabby, I think you need to take some time for you, and never date again until you and Sim figure shit out.” Meer, in his glasses, stroked his beard while staring in the camera like he was giving solid advice.
“I want love, Meer. What me and Sim shared in Monaco and Italy was beautiful… I really felt like we were going to be good. Then he comes home and it’s like we’ve moved back eight steps. Life is too short to sit around and wait for someone to choose me.”
“I hear you, B,” he agreed with me.
“That only means when you come back home, we’re out… single Blair, who?” Capri yelled in the background and started twerking.
Meer looked over his shoulder. “You a whole mama out here, Suga. The fuck you think you going?”
Capri laughed. “Mama gotta have a life, too… Big mama back out in those streets.” She continued and he looked at me like I had said it.
“This your fucking fault. Had you just trapped my brother, we wouldn’t even be here right now. I would be celebrating being an uncle again and a God father.”
“Meer, who said that you would be a God father?” I laughed, because Quameer Inferno didn’t have the good sense that God had given him.
He had always been a clown since we were in college, but the older he got, the more reckless his mouth and jokes were. If you didn’t know Meer, you would nine times out of ten end up offended by him.
“Who you gonna make the God father, Rich? That nigga crispier than a hot dog on the grill at the hood’s block party… your future baby daddy made sure of it.”
I snorted while laughing, because he didn’t tell any lies. “Anyway, Capri I will call you later.”
“Don’t try and end the call and not tell me who you messing with, B.” I cursed myself because I thought we had gotten over that conversation and he had forgotten about it.
“Zay.”
He remained quiet before he blurted. “Why, Blair? I actually fuck with his music, and now I gotta take him out… fuck.”
“Quameer… go and finish the budget because you in here tripping,” Capri snatched the phone from him while he was in the back remixing King’s lyrics to include him getting at him.
“You think he’s going to tell his brother?” I asked, still worried about what Quasim would think when I shouldn’t have been.
“So? Maybe that will put some fire under his ass to stop being so scary when it comes to you.” Capri shrugged her shoulders.
I sighed. “You know I’m not doing this to make him jealous, right? Life is short and I just want to find the one… live the life that could have been snatched from me.”
“I understand all of that, Blair. I promise I get it, but don’t you think moving on so quick?—”
“You are just as whacked out as your husband, Capri. Moving on from what? I wasn’t in a relationship, and I haven’t been for a long time. Tookie doesn’t even count, and as soon as he signs those papers, he really won’t matter.”
Capri laughed because she realized she sounded just like her husband. I knew they wanted me and Sim together more than anything, and at one point, I wanted that same thing. I had to separate myself from those feelings, because I was tired.
Tired of always feeling like I had to put the work in to get the guy. I wasn’t the perfect woman, or person. I had my own share of trauma and trust issues; however, I was a catch. I was worth the chase, worth lowering his walls down to let me in.
When Quasim lowered his walls and allowed me in, I never felt more secure. The man was everything I could have ever asked for in a man. Handsome, respectful and protective. Those were things I had never experienced in my life.
He made the little girl that was left unprotected in foster care feel seen, protected, and loved. He never had to say that he loved me, his actions showed me that he did, or maybe that was me being delusional.
Either way, in his presence I felt loved and cared for, something that I had never experienced before. It was probably why I got word vomit and ruined everything between the two of us.
“Let me get out of this parking lot and get back to work… talk to you later?”
“Yep. I love you, Blair.”
“Love you too, Pri.” We ended the call, and I tossed my phone into my purse before pulling out of the overly expensive grocery store’s parking lot.
I sat at my laptop, booking my return flight for next week, and I was excited. Too damn excited to be back home and with my people. After being gone for two months, I missed home.
I missed being in the same city as my best friends. Well, Zoya, since she lived in Brooklyn. We were forever waiting on Capri, since she had to drive from Jersey. I knew once the house was done on the compound, it would take her ass even longer to come out with us.
Either way, I was excited for my girl and couldn’t wait for the day when I left the city to become a wife and a mother. As much as I loved Brooklyn and enjoyed the city and the life that came with it, I craved the suburban life.
I listened on the phone while Capri got Ryder ready for school, and how she spoke with the people in her neighborhood. I lived for her making like she was going food shopping only to order the groceries in the parking lot and take her ass home. Capri was an amazing wife and mother, and even though she wasn’t as domestic as her sisters-in-law, Meer had dinner on the table every night. Even if it was courtesy of UberEATS.
Zay: Let me pull up on you before the studio.
My eyes roamed from my computer screen to my phone’s screen when Zay’s message popped up.
Me: I showered and washed my face already… I look a mess.
Zay: You could never.
Me: wanna bet lol
Zay: I’m trying to see you before I leave out of town. You gonna make a nigga beg?
Me: Hmm.
I smiled as I went into the bedroom and found something quick to toss on. Ivory got so many PR packages that she usually handed them over to me, so I tossed on a sweatsuit from an energy brand. Before leaving the room, I slicked back my freshly washed hair and put my glasses on to hide my lack of makeup and the dark circles that were forming from the late-night feedings.
Zay was a rapper from New York who had gotten big over the past few years. He had built his following doing mixtapes that had the city, and apparently Meer, in an uproar. The man was talented, and his lyrics made you feel his pain and the struggles he had gone through.
I think that was the reason that I related to his music. He wasn’t afraid to show that side of himself – the come up, and how it wasn’t all beauty in the struggle. It was hard work, sacrifice, and at times, he wanted to give up and second guessed his career path.
There were only a few rappers that brought that raw edge out, and Zay happened to be one of them. He had signed a major record deal, dropped an album, and gone on tour in the same year.
We happened to meet because he was Ivory’s brother. He was visiting her when I rushed into the house with groceries and sweat pouring down my face, because I had to run after the tow truck and convince him to allow her car down.
Even looking a hot sweaty mess with grocery bags in my arms, I could tell that he wanted to know who I was. His eyes wandered my body, no longer listening to whatever his sister was saying, his tongue licked his thick lips as he was fully locked in on me and what I was doing.
Zay was handsome with his toffee skin tone that was covered with tattoos, and his thick beard that was placed perfectly around those thick brown lips of his. He rocked a short Cesar that was perfectly lined up, right along with his thick eyebrows.
He was tall, muscular, and looked like he could do some damage to me. I wanted someone to do some sexual damage to me in the worst way, and seeing how those sweats clung to his meat told me all that I needed to know.
While he was so smitten with me, I was trying to play it cool like a whole celebrity wasn’t in my presence. Ivory’s husband, Jamal Williams, wasn’t anything special to me because I wasn’t into sports. The only reason I kept up with sports was because of Jaiden. Zay, on the other hand, was someone I knew and listened to.
He helped me into the kitchen with the groceries and stuck around to sit in the kitchen while I prepared his sister’s dinner. It was a menu filled with things to jump-kick labor for her. While I cooked, we talked about so much and I enjoyed him.
He gave me that feeling that I was missing from home. Ivory was from New York, but she was so into trying to fit in with these people out here that you wouldn’t have known. Ivory had finished her dinner and went out with some girlfriends for drinks, although she couldn’t drink, and Zay was still there.
By the time Jamal came in from practice, he decided to leave, but not without my number. He was back and forth from here to New York to wrap up his next album and prepare for his next tour.
Zay: outside… I’ll beg in person.
I shook my head before slipping out the side door and walking through the backyard until I was in the front and saw Zay’s Lamborghini parked in the driveway. He climbed out the car and walked over toward me.
“You gonna make me get on my knees, huh?”
I put my hand on my hip and laughed. “Hmm, Zay on his knees begging some girl… what would the blogs say?”
He laughed and then walked toward me, pulling me into his arms. “How you doing, my love?”
My body froze and I instantly thought about Quasim when he mentioned those two words. I was Sim’s love, and he always referred to me as his love. It switched between Anjo and my love, and I loved both names.
Mainly because he had seen what I was capable of, and he deemed me worthy of still having that angel nickname that I craved to hear him say right now.
Zay pulled me back and peered down into my eyes. “You good, Blair?”
I quickly shook it off.
Shook him off.
“I’m alright… just thought about something.” I lied and then looked up into his eyes. “I am doing good… what about you?”
“Tired but I need to lay down this last track for the deluxe album before flying out tomorrow.” Zay was always on go and I admired that about him. The life of a rapper was intriguing to me.
I reached up and touched his face. “Make sure you’re taking care of you, too. As much as everyone loves the album, we need you here.” I reminded him.
Zay hustled because he wanted his family to have everything they never had. He took care of him and Ivory’s mother, and made sure their extended family was good, too. He was the breadwinner for his family, so that hustle wasn’t going to die down anytime soon. If anything, he was going to amplify it and make sure that he continued to secure the bag for generations to come.
He leaned back on his sister’s G wagon and pulled me in front of him. “You leave next week… gonna be sad without you around here.”
“You probably won’t even notice that I’m gone. I know your sister is happy to get me gone so her nanny can start.” Ivory had the roles of a postpartum doula and a nanny confused.
Some mornings, she would call me over the intercom to come and watch her son while she went to get her hair or nails done. I cared for the baby and her, but there were limitations. I wasn’t here to watch her child while she got back to her life.
Since the contract we signed was for two months, and she would have to pay to break that contract, she decided to keep me around until her nanny could start the minute I was gone. I was ready to get the hell out of here and I made sure to make a personal note not to let her book me again if she got pregnant in the future.
Not that she would.
“Ivory always been funny acting. She mad because Jamal finally sat her ass down and made her have a baby.” He waved his sister off. “Don’t think she would have made it after delivery without you being there for her.”
“You’re sweet.”
“I’m gonna miss having a piece of home here on the west coast. Every time I can’t focus at the studio, you not being twenty minutes away is gonna take some getting used to.”
Zay was being so sweet and making my heart melt with his words. What scared me was that I could tell they were genuine. Whenever he came over, we would sit in his car of choice and just talk.
“You gonna be on the east coast soon for the tour… I’m gonna come to the show. Me and my girls.”
He kissed me on the cheek, and I blushed. “Don’t buy a ticket, either.”
“Too late. My best friend’s husband already rented out a box for the concert… but if you wanna swing a backstage pass my way, I won’t turn it down.”
Zay smirked before licking his lips. “I can most def slide you one of those.” His phone chimed and he looked down before releasing a low groan.
“Work calls.”
“Always at the wrong fucking time, though… text me before you go to sleep.” He pushed up off his sister’s truck and looked down at me.
There was a certain weakness that a woman had when a handsome man looked down into her eyes. I felt the same way when Sim looked down at me with his intense stare that he always kept. My insides felt like jelly whenever that man stood in front of me. I wanted to say ‘yes Papi’ after everything he said.
“You gotta keep being that star… we’ll link up when we’re both back home.” I promised as I stepped into his arms, and he kissed me on the cheek.
I looked up at him, stood on my toes, and pushed my lips against his. This wasn’t the first time that we had kissed, it was the first time that I initiated it. Zay kissed me back, holding me around the waist, and pulling me into him.
As much as I wanted someone to take me to pound town, my body didn’t react to him the way that I wanted it to. Zay was attractive beyond measure; however, I didn’t get that feeling that I got with Quasim.
Fucking Quasim Inferno.
Zay kissed me once more before he walked backwards to his car. I stood with my arms folded and smiled at him, while he got in and pulled out the driveway. I couldn’t put my life on hold for one man. I knew it was my heart and my mind working against each other, because my heart wanted Sim, but my mind knew that I deserved to have someone that wouldn’t run away from me.
Zay wouldn’t run….