Wine Songs
Decant Me
(Sung to the tune of “A Letter from Camp”)
Is it Sauterne? Is it Riesling?
Sauvi-B can be so pleasing.
Is it special, for entertaining?
Or just a wine to drink whenever it’s not raining?”
Decant me, I hate my bottle. Can’t you see? I taste like rubble.
Let me breathe before you try to share me with your friends and family.
Decant me—for just an hour. It is like a superpower.
New and old wine goes from tasting blah to tasting really, extra fine.
Is it Malbec? Or a Cab-Franc?
Is it juicy, with a good rank?
Do I need to keep explaining?
If you decant your wine your guests won’t be complaining.
We Don’t Talk About Boxes
(Sung to the tune of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”)
We don’t talk about boxes, oh no, no. We don’t talk about boxes.
It was a Wednesday, or maybe a Thursday, but there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.
Rosa walked in with a mischievous grin.
“I did what?”
“Are you singing this song now, or am I?”
“Sorry, Allegra, please go on!”
She smiles and tells me, “Look what came!”
Apparently, she feels no shame.
But all at once my temper flames?—
But anyway, we don’t talk about boxes. No, no, no. We don’t talk about boxes!
The Bentonite Slurry Song
(Sung to the tune of “Surrey with the Fringe on Top”)
If you think that your wine’s looking blurry,
You should try using bentonite slurry,
You should try using bentonite slurry,
To clear up the grime.
Yeasts, and haze, and tannins will scurry
When you add that bentonite slurry,
When you add that phyllosilicate slurry,
To your vats of wine.
Just three TBs to a pint of H2O,
Is a pretty good ratio.
Bring your water to a boil, before you pour the powder in,
Then blend it up smoothly.
Can’t be done ‘til you’ve completed fermentation,
And moved your wine to a cooler destination,
Stir it well, but avoid agitation,
And your wine will shine!
You’ll have glassy, glossy, clear-as-crystal, radiant wine.
No Wines but Rosé
(Sung to the tune of “No Day but Today”)
There’s no more red, there’s no more white,
We’ve drunk them all, should we call it a day?
No! Hold your glass, there’s still one flight.
No wines but Rosé!
I know you’ve heard (for I have too)
Reject, eject, white zinfandel is dreck!
But don’t discount La Méthode Saignée.
No wines but Rosé!
Might be too late to macerate,
To press, or bleed—but blend we may.
What do you say?
No time for Cabs, or Chardonnay,
We need cash now—c’mon, let’s seize the day!
No Chenin Blanc, no Viognier,
No wines but Rosé!
I am a Pricey Bottle of a California Meritage
(Sung to the tune of “I am the very Model of a Modern Major General”)
I am a pricey bottle of a California Meritage,
(A word that combines merit in a portmanteau with heritage).
I’m only made from “noble” wines, those vintned from a Bordeaux vine,
’Cause that is what it takes to make a California Meritage.
You start with two or more of these particular varieties,
Cabernet (Sauvingnon or Franc), St. Macaire or Carménère,
Malbec, Merlot, Petit Verdot, or possibly some Gros Verdot,
For that is what you’ll need, you know, for a California Meritage.
You have to use the very best of these specific vintages,
Adjusted with a sweet finesse like all the best of marriages,
To best ensure my taste is great, no single grape can dominate,
’Cause otherwise I will not rate as a California Meritage.
I’m known for being robust with a silky-smooth complexity,
I’m good to drink while young but I’m renowned for aging beautifully,
I’m more than just a simple blend, and that is why I am a TREND!
And why you pay the big bucks for a California Meritage.
Wouldn’t it be Buttery?
(AKA the Chardonnay song)
(Sung to the tune of “Wouldn’t it be Loverly”)
All I want is a Chardonnay,
Fermented in the modern way,
In French or White Oak kegs,
Oh, wouldn’t it be buttery?
Fifteen months barrel aged on lees,
(fine, not gross, if you don’t mind, please)
Best served at fifty-five degrees,
Oh, wouldn’t it be buttery?
Oh, so buttery with the barest hint of caramel,
Pair with pasta, fish or cheese, or maybe some bechamel?
Full-bodied with a creamy mouthfeel,
Ya won’t get that outta stainless steel!
S’why oak’s the beau ideal if you want your Chardonnay buttery.
Buttery, buttery,
Buttery, buttery.
Que Será Syrah
(Sung to the tune of “Que Será, Será”)
When I was still too young to drink,
I asked my grandma which should it be,
Would I like white wine, would I like red?
Here’s what she said to me:
Que Será Syrah
You might try a nice Chablis,
Mourvedre, or Pinot Gris,
Que Será Syrah
Then I grew up and got engaged,
Went to my lover—what would he say?
Champagne, Prosecco, or Sparkling Rosé,
To serve on our wedding day?
He said…
Que Será Syrah
All three sound just great to me,
Or maybe a Pinot Gris?
Que Será Syrah
Or maybe, Chablis?
Now when my sisters come to me,
I know the questions, before they ask,
Steel vat or barrel, qvevri or cask,
Bottle, or box or flask?
And I say…
Que Será Syrah
Whatever you do; do you
Just pour me a glass, or two,
Que Será Syrah
What will be, Chablis!
There is Nothing Like Champagne
(Sung to the tune of “There is Nothing Like a Dame”)
There is nothing like Champagne,
Nothing in this world.
There is no wine you can name
That is anything like Champagne.
When you want to make a toast,
(C’mon, raise a glass!)
Party, celebrate or boast,
Make it Champagne, or else I’ll pass.
’Cause nothing tastes like Champagne,
Makes your heart race like Champagne,
Nothing pops like Champagne,
Or launches yachts like Champagne,
And nothing costs like Champagne,
Says you’re a boss like Champagne.
There ain’t no drink, be it pink or white,
That’ll lift your spirits, give you second life,
Like that mix of four pinots and a chardonnay
Grown in a special terroir mix of limestone, chalk and clay…ay-ay-ay, ay-ay-ay, ay-ay, ay!
There is nothing like Champagne,
Nothing in this world.
There is no wine you can name
That is anything like Champagne.
MISCELLANEOUS SONG SCRAPS
Crush It (Crush It Real Good!)
(Sung to the tune of “Push It”)
Whew! Napa’s sweating today, but then tonight it might just freeze.
C'mon girls, let's show these guys we know this work is just a breeze!
We’ll sort those grapes, destem them too, then give that juice a squeeze.
Now crush it, crush it good
(Ah, crush it) crush it real good
How Do You Make a Pitcher of Sangria?
(Sung to the tune of “How Do You Solve a Problem like Maria?”)
How do you make a pitcher of sangria?
What do you need besides the perfect wine
(Something that’s young and bright and not too oaky)
A cinnamon stick, some fizzy water, a lime?
Plenty of recipes will tell you one thing,
Plenty of them will tell you the reverse.
But where do you set the bar?
Is mango a fruit too far?
Maybe we need an extra bottle to rehearse?
Oh, how do you make a pitcher of sangria?
How do you make that sweet, sweet, summer wine?
Tempranillo
(Sung to the tune of “Oklahoma”)
Tempranillo, you’re the first to ripen on the vine.
You’re the fourth most planted red wine grape, and a top-tier rojo noble nine!
Tempranillo, you’re the wine Phoenician traders drank
As they sailed the Med’terranean ’til the last of the penteconters sank!
We know that you pair well with meat,
And with aging exhibit fruit and heat.
And when we say, "Hey!
You taste like cherry, fig and suede!"
We're really sayin'
"You’re a fine wine, Tempranillo!"
Tempranillo, olé!
Christmas Carols
(I probably won’t include these here. I’ll save them for the Christmas story)
We Wish You a Merlot Christmas! (and a Chianti New Year)
(Sung to the tune of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”)
We wish you a Merlot Christmas,
We wish you a Merlot Christmas,
We wish you a Merlot Christmas and a Chianti New Year!
A magnum we’ll bring for you and your friends,
We wish you a Merlot Christmas and a Chianti New Year
Oh, Grenache
(sung to the tune of “You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch”)
You’re a smooth one, oh, Grenache,
You’re so very versatile.
You’re licorice, fruit and pepper;
With hints of leather on the nose.
Oh, Grenache!
Three foods I’d choose to pair you with are as follows (please take notes):
Roast pork, lamb and duck.
Mulled Wine
(Sung to the tune of “My Favorite Things)
Glühwein, bisschopswijn, vin chaud, or caliente,
Glogg, or vin brulé, candola, or quente,
Give me a sec, I’ll give you twenty more
Names for that winter drink we all adore!
Just take brandy, and spices, and orange in slices,
A bottle of red, maybe two—who will miss it?
Add cloves and some sugar and heat it all up,
Then when it’s done, let me fill up my cup.
When the wind blows and the rain flows,
And my feet feel numb,
Just give me a mug of that sweet winter treat,
And then I won’t feel so glum!