Chapter 34
Thirty-Four
HAVEN
The door clicks shut behind me, and when I look up, Becks is still there, leaning casually against the wall, somehow looking relaxed and unhurried despite the crazy situation we’re in. He smiles when he sees me, dimples appearing in each cheek, and my heartbeat falters.
Shoving off the wall, he crosses the short distance between us in just a few long strides. He doesn’t give me space, but instead steps in close, crowding me, towering over me.
And I love it.
He somehow manages to make me feel protected and desired at the same time. It’s something I could get used to. That is, if I live through the next day.
Resting a hand right above my hip, he draws even closer. He tucks some hair back, and a small shudder runs through me when the tips of his fingers brush against the shell of my ear. He doesn’t drop his hand right away, but instead gently cups the side of my neck, keeping me locked in place.
“Are you doing okay?” he asks gently, tentatively, his gaze sweeping over my face, looking for micro-expressions.
I wet my lips and his eyes zero in on my mouth, his pupils dilating. He takes a deep breath and, without letting me go, eases us apart. I don’t want that, but I think it might be for his benefit, not mine.
“I’m fine,” I say, my voice still rough.
He gives me a look that says I’m full of it. He’s not wrong, so I amend my answer. “I’m dealing.”
He nods, finding that answer more acceptable. “Do you want to get some rest? It’s late, and you look tired.”
I run a hand through my hair, finding it matted. Gross.
“I am. But I could use a shower first.”
I almost forgot I was in a sewer for the better part of a day. At least I’m not in those clothes anymore.
“Come on,” Becks says, “let’s go back to your room. There’s a small bathroom in there, so you can shower and then get a little sleep before we leave. Locklyn and Talon are going to head out in a few hours. Our plan is to leave right before dawn. We’re going to go back to the cabin.”
A small smile lifts the corners of my mouth at the thought of going back there. It almost feels like “our place” now.
After I tell Becks that sounds good, he takes my hand and we walk down the hall. All the medical rooms are on the same floor, so he nods at the bathroom door, letting me know that he’ll round up some clothes for me while I shower. I’m thankful for the soft scrubs, but real clothes sound nice.
When I undress, I catch a quick glance at myself in the mirror. My skin is a patchwork of bruises, including light ones decorating my chin where the demon grabbed me.
I look away quickly. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself. I’m lucky to be alive.
Far luckier than Kendra or Tate.
The shower feels like heaven on my sore body.
I lean my head against the tile as water runs over my head and back, sliding down my body and soothing my sore muscles.
I try to clear my mind, but without Becks as a distraction, I can’t get Kendra and Tate out of my thoughts.
Their parents and loved ones will probably never know what really happened to them.
Kendra’s parents were notified of her death. The Order already covered it up as a car accident, and I’m sure they’re grieving. But it might be even worse for Tate’s parents. All they know is that she’s missing, and they must be worried sick.
Silent tears run down my face, and I muffle my sobs with my hands, not wanting Becks to hear me if he’s still out there.
Minutes tick by while I’m swallowed in grief before I can muster the will to wash myself.
I go through the motions of shampooing my hair and soaping up my body woodenly.
It takes a while to work the knots out of my hair.
I have to condition it twice before I can run my fingers through it.
My fingers are pruned by the time I finally turn the spray off and step out of the shower.
I wrap a towel around myself and peek out the door to see if Becks is back. I’m surprised to find Locklyn sitting in a chair waiting for me instead.
She hasn’t noticed me yet. She’s staring down at her hands, looking deep in thought with a frown on her face and her brow bunched.
When I open the door a little wider, she jerks her head up.
“Oh, hey,” she says, and then jumps out of the chair.
She grabs some folded clothes set on another seat that I didn’t notice and hands them to me. “I’m not sure if we’re the exact same size, but I think these should fit.”
“Thanks,” I say, looking over the soft bundle. When I glance back up at her, she’s searching my face. Probably taking note of my red eyes right away.
“Nothing like a good, long, hot shower to feel like yourself again, right?” she says, with what looks like a forced smile.
“Yeah. I’m just going to . . .” I gesture toward the bathroom and she nods.
Retreating to the bathroom, I quickly change into a pair of leggings and an oversized off-the-shoulder long-sleeved shirt, grateful for the soft and stretchy clothes. When I come back out of the bathroom, it’s to find Locklyn pacing.
“Sorry,” she says quickly. “I-I didn’t mean to make this weird. Becks said you needed some clothes so I offered to bring some of mine, and . . . I wanted to check on you before I left.”
The tension that hung in the air at the cabin is back full-force, making my stomach knot. This is my sister. I don’t want it to be there, but I’m not sure how to push past it.
“That’s okay,” I say, even though my chest tightens. I gesture vaguely toward the chair. “You can sit. You don’t have to hover.”
She lets out a breath and sits, folding her hands together like she’s bracing herself. There’s an awkward pause that stretches between us, thick and familiar in a way I don’t like.
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you,” she says finally. “But I wasn’t sure how.”
The words knock something loose inside me. I sit on the edge of the bed, damp towel clutched tighter around my middle even though I’m already dressed. I’m not sure what Locklyn wants to say to me, but I have a few things to confess.
“I’ve been having a hard time,” I admit before I can overthink it. “With . . . everything.”
Locklyn nods slowly. She doesn’t interrupt.
“With you,” I add, and wince. “Not you exactly. Just having you here. All of a sudden my parents are trying so hard to make space for you, and I know they should, but sometimes it feels like I’m being shoved to the side. Like I’m sharing something that used to be mine.”
My throat burns. “I hate that I feel that way. I hate that I even think it.”
Locklyn’s expression softens, something like relief crossing her face. “Thank you for telling me. I never wanted you to feel like I was taking anything from you. Especially not them.”
I nod, staring at my hands. “And then there’s Becks . . .” I force myself to meet her gaze. “When I found out you and he dated, it messed with my head.”
Her eyes widen. “He finally told you about all that?”
I shake my head and her eyebrows draw together in confusion. “I actually overheard the both of you talking back at the cabin.”
She looks startled. Then pained.
“Oh, Haven,” she says. “I’m so sorry. The things I said . . . the things Becks said . . .” She shakes her head, clearly upset. “We didn’t mean most of it. You never should have found out like that.”
“No, it’s okay,” I say. “I’m glad I found out. I should have talked with Becks about it right away, but I didn’t. I hung on to it, and it made me feel like maybe I was just filling in a void you left behind.”
“No. It’s not like that. I mean, I was worried at first, but not anymore. What he and I had was small, temporary. What you and Becks have is real. I truly believe that now. It’s deeper than anything we ever were. I can tell by the way he looks at you. The way he chooses you.”
My chest tightens again, but this time it’s something warmer.
“And I don’t want to take your parents,” she continues. “I don’t want to take your life or your place. I just want a chance to be part of it. Part of you.”
Something in me finally gives.
“I don’t want this weirdness between us anymore,” I say. “Especially not right now. Not when everything else feels so uncertain.”
She smiles then, small but genuine. “Me neither.”
We sit there for a moment, the tension finally easing, replaced with something tentative and hopeful.
“We’re sisters,” she says softly, reaching out to take my hand and give it a squeeze. “Even if we’re still figuring out what that looks like.”
I nod. “We are.”
Since she walked into my life, the thought no longer scares me.
Locklyn stays a little while longer. We talk with an ease we haven’t had before.
She tells me more about her and Talon, details about their relationship and how they got together that I didn’t know.
I tell her about how my mom almost walked in on Becks and me kissing, and she tells me about how Talon caught him dropping out of my window, and we both break down into laughter so hard my muscles ache.
The time feels restorative, ending too soon when she glances at her watch and says she needs to go.
We share a long hug, and I try not to dwell on the possibility that this might be our last. There are no guarantees, and what she’s about to do is dangerous.
Before she leaves, she tells me not to worry, with a grin that’s almost convincing.
She’s only gone a few minutes before Becks reappears. He asks how it went. I let him know that it was good and thank him for giving us some space.
After that, he ushers me to bed, telling me that he’ll stay while I sleep and wake me before dawn when it’s time to leave.
I plait my damp hair into a quick braid and settle under the covers, secretly wishing it was easier for Becks to slide in next to me.
I drop a hint about it, remembering what it was like to wake up in his arms, but he’s firm about wanting to keep watch while I’m asleep.
I’ve never hated noble intentions more.