Chapter 41 Vera
Vera
My eyes are dry as desert sand this morning from a complete lack of sleep brought on by the horrifying conversation Ikar kicked up about the stupid list of Tulips last night.
To hear that they remembered almost half the names is not good.
Then they’d almost gotten mine, which is also bad.
And even worse than that? The conversation that came after.
Something tells me it won’t be long until Ikar realizes the secrets I’ve hidden right under his nose all this time.
I don’t plan on being anywhere near when he realizes—if he realizes.
I hate that I feel like a traitor. I know I’ll be escaping soon after we land, leaving Ikar to figure this out on his own.
I feel both guilt and relief, but I remind myself that this is how the kings wanted it when they killed my sisters, and this is how it will stay.
Now, tears stream from the corners of my eyes with the speed that we return to the kingdom on the sharp flyers. I don’t know how long they’ve been waiting in that field, but they were there when we arrived.
I’m sharing a saddle with Darvy this time, which was a risky choice given the rough start he had on the trip here.
Gratefully, though, this time was much smoother, and we left the dreadful Lucent Forest behind.
The sharp flyer’s powerful wings beat on either side of us, carrying us swiftly back to the high kingdom.
Darvy keeps one arm wrapped snug around my waist as if he thinks I might slide off without it.
I smile sadly. I’m going to miss working with these men, but I’m exhausted from all the secrets. Exhausted by my magic constantly reaching for Ikar. I’ve fought for days to keep my magic to myself, and I’m weary in a way I never knew possible. If ever I was ready to retire, it would be now.
Rest and respite are still out of reach, though, because all I can think is that I must warn Tatania about everything that has transpired.
She has to know that we are no longer secret or safe, even if that means spilling all my mistakes over the course of the last few weeks.
Discomfort twists my stomach just thinking of it, but it has to be done.
Our names are out there, not only between these three men, but whoever created the list in the first place… and what if it was copied?
My nerves have been tingling with the urge to reach Tatania before Ikar finds any of us. I know now that if we don’t do something different, he will. He’s capable, smart, and has every resource available to search us out. It’s not a matter of if, but when.
It’s only a few more hours before the sharp flyers begin to circle above the castle to land one at a time.
A crowd heads in our direction as soon as we’re spotted.
Apparently, the king was missed. I wrinkle my nose, trying to feign disgust—it doesn’t work.
Truth is, I feel for them. I miss the king, too, and I haven’t even left yet.
Rhosse lands first, Ikar right behind him. He dismounts, jumping to the ground with easy confidence. Rhosse is soon by his side as the group swarms them. Is this always how it is for him? He did mention having very little personal time when we were stuck in that tree…
I beat the compassion into submission. He’s the king; he was raised for this life.
Darvy and I land last, and just like that, the journey is officially over.
I try not to glance at Ikar after Darvy helps me off the sharp flyer, but I do.
I battle the urge to look at him, to drink in his appearance, knowing I’ll likely never see him again…
and even though I can’t change it or even apologize, I feel horrible about what I said last night.
I risk another quick glance his way to find that he’s busy speaking with a group of not only soldiers, but Nadiette, as well. She offers no sign of a friendly gesture forthcoming, and instead turns her attention solely to Ikar. Surprise, surprise.
Stable hands come to care for the sharp flyers and lead them away, and without the large form of my friendly flyer, I’m left feeling awkward amidst the busyness of the high king’s return.
I scoff. Now that I know what he is, it seems so obvious.
He so effortlessly leads, commands, decides.
The dramatic corner of my heart tempts me to slip away unnoticed, but the logical side isn’t leaving without the money I earned.
Darvy catches my eye and ambles closer, offering me a small smile. “When will you open for business?”
Is it me, or do we both feel sad our budding friendship is over so quickly?
I look down and smile, using the toe of my scuffed boot to push some loose dirt back and forth. “Not quite yet. I have some things to do, and I need to visit Mama Tina. But soon.”
“Send a message with the name and where you decide to open. I’ll stop in.”
“When you’re not protecting our high king and fighting off gloam monsters?” I smile wryly.
“Yeah.” He laughs a little and looks across the field toward Ikar, still surrounded by people. “I can help you get payment, if you’re ready to leave. Maybe he’ll be done once we finish.”
I don’t want Darvy to think I need to talk to Ikar, so I shrug like it doesn’t matter and follow him to the castle. We both know better.
I depart with a heavy purse of coin, Ikar nowhere to be seen. I allow myself a quick glance around as I exit. But of course, no sign of Ikar. It’s time for me to leave, and maybe it’s best if we don’t say goodbye. Goodbyes make it seem like there was something between us. There shouldn’t have been.
With my heavy pack resting on my shoulders once again, I weave through the crowded streets of Moneyre and out the city gates. Rupi huddles against my neck, and I’m not sure if she’s comforting me or trying to receive comfort. Maybe both.
I lean into her tiny form as the first drops of misty rain moisten the top of my head and shoulders. We’re on our own again, and it has never felt so lonely.
I traveled all through the last day and then night, the entire time dreading the upcoming groveling I’ll be forced to endure to reclaim my status as one of the Black Tulips.
There’s no time to waste getting my bracelet back, so though I’d rather skip this part and run straight to Mama Tina’s, I force myself to march forward.
The lonely trip has left my mind free to ponder on everything I left behind—my new friends Darvy and Rhosse, yes…
but mostly Ikar. Guilt and disloyalty swirl within me, because though I seek the protection of the Tulips, I’ll never hate Ikar like I’m supposed to.
How could I have let this happen to myself?
I refuse to reflect too long on what I feel for him, but it’s deep enough to have my heart ache over the loss of him in my life. I try not to worry over the problems he deals with, the worries and the weight he carries. My Tulip sisters have to come first—I promised. I promised.
I blink away angry tears at the unfairness of it all. With two of the suns left in the sky, muddy boots, frizzy hair, and a soggy jacket, I stand before the headquarters of the Black Tulips, hoping Tatania or Lillath, her secretary, are here.
Only one way to find out.
Uneven cobblestones lead to the once-grand entrance with tall double doors where a fancy handle is loosely fastened.
I’m sure one day it’s going to fall off in my hand, but I tug it, and, once again, it holds true.
But the door doesn’t open. I grab the large metal knocker, damp in my hand, and let it drop a few times.
I wait, listening to the drizzling rain drops fall on vegetation, stone, and soil. If no one answers, will I come back?
I begin to turn and step down the first step, an odd sense of relief seeping through me at avoiding this dreaded meeting.
Then the door swings open, startling me so hard I nearly fall off the second step.
“Avenara?”
I turn to find Lillath, her head tilted in confusion.
“I need to speak with Tatania; it’s urgent.”
She nods with a look that tells me my rebelliousness was spoken of between them, but I can’t gauge how I’ll be received from her guarded expression. It fuels my already taut nerves. But she opens the door wider and steps aside so I can enter.
I lift Rupi off my shoulder and onto my finger, quietly whispering, “I better leave you outside this time. Stay close. I’ll be out soon.”
If a bird could harrumph I’m sure I would’ve heard it. Rupi fluffs her quills like she’s offended, but she immediately takes flight.
I step inside and follow Lillath through the familiar building. Down the hallway, I catch a glimpse of the empty ballroom where we hold our annual meetings, but instead of entering its doors, we take another turn. I spot Tatania’s office with warm light shining beneath the door.
“Wait here,” Lillath instructs. She hustles through the door.
I drop my pack on the floor and lean my back against the wall, uncaring that the state of my clothes has me looking like I just climbed from a river and rolled in the dirt.
That awful, lonely, sad feeling is still heavy in my heart, and I can’t bring myself to care about my appearance.
Another ache stabs my heart, wishing Ikar was still by my side.
I’ve grown used to his steady presence, our banter, teasing him, how safe he makes me feel.
The irony—here I am begging for help from the Tulips as I wish myself with the king. I’m a traitor if there ever was one.
A moment later, the door swings open again.
Lillath motions me inside. “Tatania will see you now.”
I push off the wall with a tight smile, grab my pack, and enter the room to find a neat desk that is Lillath’s, but we don’t stop there. She leads me through a connecting door into a larger room with a fancier and larger desk and enormous windows that offer a breathtaking view of the forest beyond.
Tatania stands behind the imposing desk, unnaturally still, eyes hard. “Sit.”