Chapter 46
Vera
Iwake with eyes so puffy I can hardly see straight, but I spot fresh water and a plate of food nearby.
I tear off a chunk of the bread, finding it dry and crumbly between my trembling fingers.
I drop it back to the plate—it’s been sitting for hours.
I have no desire to eat. I simply wanted to have a guess at how long I slept.
I look at the one small window set in the wall, trying to determine if I have the strength to move my body to get there.
I stare at it listlessly. The gloam makes it difficult to tell where the suns might be, but I would guess it’s late afternoon.
I slept an entire day, and if I could keep sleeping, I would.
I close my eyes and see the image of Ikar from my dream.
I’m tempted to return to sleep, curious if I’ll find him again.
My burning eyes beg to close, and my lids begin to droop, but before I move to get comfortable and let sleep take me, the gloam around the door disappears, and it swings open to allow a willowy woman to enter.
I blink blearily in disbelief. “Tatania?”
He captured our leader?
She carries two large bowls, and a guard carries a basin of water in behind her.
“Avenara,” she says, her brows knitting with concern as she takes in my disheveled appearance.
She sets the bowls down and sits on the bed beside me, wrapping me in her arms, not appearing to care about the state of my hair or clothes.
She smells of soft mint, and her motherly presence is comforting, something I hadn’t known I needed, but no tears come—my numb blanket is secure.
She leans back, but keeps a soft hand on my shoulder. “Are you hurt?”
“No,” I croak, cringing at how rough my voice sounds. I feel like a small child in her presence.
“Come.” She tugs me by the elbow and leads me to a small dressing table with a mirror. The last thing I want is to see myself in this state, so before I catch sight of my reflection, I snatch the chair and ensure it’s facing away.
Tatania drags a small table over to set the bowls of water on, then without asking permission, she gently takes one of my hands and dips it into the warm water.
We make no attempt at conversation. I’m grateful she seems to sense I don’t want to talk.
So I sit here feeling like a traitor as I watch her clean them.
The blanket of numbness begins to slip the smallest bit as I watch the way Ikar’s blood blooms in a red cloud as she scrubs my skin and nails free.
Will I forget him just as easily? I can hardly remember my parents’ faces anymore, and I know it will be the same.
The thought triggers panic as I dig for memories—his smile, his scent, his strong arms around me, flying so fast through my mind I can hardly revel in them as I try to brand them into my memories forever.
“…clothing to wear to dinner.”
Her comment jars me from my thoughts. “What?”
“Renton, he sent clean clothing for you to wear to dinner,” she repeats, not seeming to mind that I wasn’t listening.
The hoarseness of my voice, combined with the sharp laugh that erupts, sounds like a bark. “I’m not attending dinner.”
She pauses her washing temporarily and looks at me with a frown, but all I notice is that the cloth she holds suspended above the water drips red. “He’s a powerful man, Vera.”
My voice comes out flat and hard. “You’d have to make me care.”
The numbness descends again.
“Sometimes we must play the game to get what we want.” I spot a flash of something in her eyes that disappears with a blink. I don’t have the emotional energy to wonder about it further.
What I want is gone.
She pours water from the fresh bowl over my hands.
Soon enough they’re clean, as if nothing ever happened.
I hate it. I don’t want to move on. Every minute that passes since he died means one more minute this world will never have him again, and it hurts.
I may have run from him, but it doesn’t mean that’s what my heart wanted.
Tatania dries her hands with a soft cloth. “What happened, my dear, to crush your spirit?”
I’m silent for a long moment, deciding if I have the energy to speak. “Renton, as you call him, killed someone I loved.”
Possibly killed, the little voice of hope shouts. The numbness claps a hand over its mouth.
She frowns. “What happened?”
I shake my head. It’s too complicated. Too tragic to tell her that I fell in love with the very king she warned me away from, only to have him die.
The look she gives me reeks of pity, and I loathe it. “You have suffered great losses in your life, Avenara.” She better be going somewhere good with this, or I will lash out with no regret. “But what if you’d given up on life after your parents died?”
She lets the question sit like it’s supposed to change my sorrow, motivate me, even.
I know she’s trying to help, but it’s too soon for words like those.
Recalling all the pain I’ve felt only deepens my numbness and feelings of defeat.
My fear. What if Mama Tina dies too? And Renna? Rupi? I’ll be alone.
I want to lie down on these furs and go to sleep forever. Find Ikar in my dreams and be free of worry or care or sadness. It’s all too much right now. So I sit silently, without expression, feeling like a shell of myself.
“Think on it, but dinner is any moment now. Give me your clothing and we’ll wash it… or perhaps… burn it.” She eyes the blood on me distastefully.
“I’ll wear them as they are.”
She sighs. “Always so stubborn.”
Voices outside the door prompt me to find out if my body will move like I want it to. “It’s kept me alive this long,” I mutter as I climb grudgingly, and ever-so-wearily, to my feet.
Tatania raises a disapproving brow. “Are you sure you don’t want to change your clothes?”
“I’ve never been more sure of anything.”
I’ll carry his blood on my clothing like a battle flag. The rebellion in my heart makes me feel a little more alive. She purses her lips as if she wishes to scold me further, but I see the corners of her eyes soften as she continues to stare at me.
Our attention turns to the door, watching the gloam seep away before it swings open, revealing a petite woman with streaks of gray in hair that is braided far more intricately than I’ve ever attempted on my own.
She curtseys so deeply her gray dress pools on the ground. “Avenara.” She rises and offers a smile. “My name is Gretta, and I’ve come to take you to dinner.” Then she turns to look at Tatania with a small nod. “Tatania.”
I step back from her. “Don’t do that.” Not to me. I’m not that sort of person.
“Do what?” she asks, as if she’s truly confused.
“None of this.” I mimic her curtsey, albeit sloppily.
“I was instructed by the king—”
“Just… don’t do it when he’s not around.”
Her eyes are wide, and I can’t tell what she thinks of me now, but it’s better than the blazing awe in her eyes combined with that horribly deep curtsey. She doesn’t agree before she turns and sweeps out the door. “This way.”
I’m hardly surprised when two guards split off and follow us, but I am surprised when Tatania stays behind.
“Wait, what about Tatania?” I ask Gretta.
“She was not invited. Not tonight.”
That doesn’t sit well with me, but I don’t have enough emotion left to put up a fuss. I end up following quietly while I take in what appears to be a house built entirely of gloam. I’ve never seen anything like it.
“Where are we?”
“The Lucent Mountains.”
I’d choke if I had enough spit in my mouth. “How long have you been here?”
“King Renton entered years ago.” Gretta doesn’t even look at me when she says it, just matter-of-factly marches ahead as if I shouldn’t be that surprised.
“And the rest of you?” My voice grows higher with concern.
“Much later. Renton recruited me to his cause years ago, but lucent wasn’t weak enough at first for more than one of his soldiers to cross every so often. It was dangerous, and he lost many. But in the past year, he has made much progress.”
“The last year…? Recruited…?” I whisper.
Add to that the fact that this woman is a traitor and suddenly I hate her for doubting Ikar, until I remember it doesn’t matter anymore, and sorrow descends again.
She looks over her shoulder as she speaks again. “And these last weeks? It seems as if lucent has collapsed altogether. Gloam is thriving now. More of his soldiers arrive every day.”
She smiles and waits for my reaction, as if I should be overjoyed the same as she.
Is this why lucent has decayed so quickly in such a short amount of time?
If it’s accelerating this fast… will there be a time that even I can no longer use it?
The thought brings tingles of panic, but what can one lone Tulip do?
Ikar was the man for this. He’s the one who knew the kingdom, the one who knew how to use a sword and command an army, the one with a mark from Lucentia that bound him to his kingdom.
What do I have to offer? My people hate me, I’m practically useless with a weapon, and soon I may not even be able to lay claim to lucent magic.
I don’t want to care anymore; it’s all too much, and the numbness invites me to dive a little deeper, but I resist. This may be my only chance to get answers, and it seems Gretta is willing to talk.
“He recruited you?”
She nods, leading me down a long, dark hallway. “Yes, there are other recruits here as well. It didn’t take much to convince me that his side will win in the end. Just wait, you’ll understand soon.”