Chapter 50 #2
“He wants me to be his queen, Tatania. Can you believe that?” I laugh somewhat sharply, and she chuckles, which I try not to be offended by.
I’ll be the last to argue that imagining me as a queen is, indeed, laughable.
She doesn’t meet my eyes, though, keeping hers trained on the parchment beneath her hand.
I continue sharing my thoughts, trying to make sense of it all. “I have to believe I’m choosing right by rejecting Renton’s offer. The tour today was all my worst nightmares brought to life. All I could imagine was our people fighting these beasts and dying. Over and over again.”
“Admittedly…” she finally speaks, pausing with the charcoal held loosely in her hand, but still not meeting my eyes. “I have also struggled with thoughts like yours.”
Tatania? She’s always so sure of herself, so matter-of-fact. It’s difficult to imagine her struggling over anything.
She looks up, as if to gauge my reaction. “I hear Renton killed the king, which means it’s only a matter of time until he takes power. I’ve heard whispers he plans to leave here in just days.”
Those words feel like a fresh stab in my heart, a reminder that attempts to send me back into the spiral of numb sorrow. It would be so easy to allow it to engulf me in its painless fog. I feel myself beginning to slip. Ikar truly died. Renton said the same, didn’t he? Wouldn’t he know?
Rupi quits pecking at the berry and stares up at me, head tilted with concern.
“You must escape,” Tatania says with finality.
I look up, the numbness temporarily halted at the edges of my mind. “Escape?”
“If he doesn’t have you, it will delay him. I’m not sure if it will help much, but we must try.”
I nod slowly. “The king… he truly died?”
“I’m sure Renton wouldn’t have left him alive,” Tatania says sensibly.
I forgive her for not knowing how her response pains me. It’s not her fault she doesn’t know all my secrets. But I know she’s right. The voices of hope within me extinguish so suddenly I stop breathing… and with the last of my hope gone that Ikar survived…
“It doesn’t matter anymore,” I say flatly. My eyes burn as another round of grief attempts to drown me, but I don’t want to fall apart in front of Tatania, so I force a lid on the emotion in my mind that attempts to boil over.
“It does matter,” she nearly shouts, and I jump, startled.
Tatania is a reserved lady—I’ve never heard her raise her voice beyond quieting the Tulips before beginning our annual meetings. I stare at her, wide-eyed. She calms herself with a breath before she continues.
“Forgive me, I simply can’t watch you bridge with…” She drifts off and swallows while she composes herself, and when she speaks again her voice is more steady. “And while I know you try to hide it, it’s obvious you care for the late king.”
I can’t help but wince at her words.
“If you truly care for him, I would assume you would do everything possible to avoid marrying another so soon.”
Her words are an arrow so true it hits the center of my soul.
The weary part of me that sorrows edges toward unfeeling numbness that is more tempting than ever to sink into, but I’m nothing if not stubborn and have always had a strong survival instinct.
Am I strong enough to grasp that instinct now?
If not for myself… can I do this for Ikar?
For Mama Tina and Renna? For the other Tulips? Darvy and Rhosse? The kingdom?
A spark of life lights within me. But it’s small, and my heart’s so bruised it can’t seem to handle more.
“I’ll think about it,” I mumble.
I can tell she wants to argue, but she must sense that I’m done because she presses her lips together and returns to her sketching.
I burrow beneath the furs on my bed and turn to face the wall as Rupi tucks herself beneath my chin and cleans her feathers in rhythmic motions that are soothing and normal, and I’m reminded how much I missed her.
Even with Rupi near and my eyes burning with fatigue from being woken so early this morning and kept out all day, I still struggle to sleep.
I’m in no mood for further conversation, so I lie there, facing the wall, holding Rupi close until I hear Tatania ready for bed.
Soon the room is quiet, and at some point during the long night, I finally doze off.
Gloam mists around me as if it’s waiting until it can completely consume my body. The only thing that breaks the darkness is bright light cutting through the shadows, and I find myself before Ikar again. It feels as if I stare straight at the sun, but I can’t pull my eyes away from his face.
He reaches back for my hand, and I stare at it a moment.
The last two times I tried to touch him, I was left severely disappointed, but how can I not try?
I can feel his heat as I tentatively lift my hand, scared that he’ll forever be out of reach…
his light and warmth seem to burn away the gloam, and finally, his hand engulfs mine, and then I’m in his arms and my soul begins to thaw.
For the first time in days, there’s no gloam around me.
I instinctively press my ear to his chest as I clutch him tightly, craving the sound of his heart beating strong against my cheek… But it’s so weak that I can’t tell if I can hear it beating or if it’s my own pulse thumping in my ears.
I stiffen in his arms, pausing my own breathing to listen for his as I press my ear harder to his chest, seeking evidence that he might be alive even though this doesn’t mean anything in reality.
“Vera?” He tilts his head down to meet my eyes.
“Are you alive?” I whisper.
He frowns, and it seems as if I’ve just reminded him he’s simply a vivid part of my dream. “I… don’t know.”
“You better be alive,” I mumble.
He grins. “Is that an order?”
“Yes.” I grip his shirt tighter as I say it. It feels good to boss him around, even if it isn’t real.
He draws his thumb gently along my jaw. “Where are you? You’re cold.”
I shrug as I lean into his hand, soaking up its heat. “With the gloam masters, somewhere in the Lucent Mountains.”
I don’t want to think about that right now; I just want to enjoy this moment.
A concerned frown mars his brow. “You should be escaping.”
“Shhh. You’re ruining my dream.”
I rest my cheek against his chest again. I hear his heartbeat… is it stronger? I lift my face away and put it back. It’s more regular. Comforting. I sigh against him. This dream is just getting better.
“Vera?”
“Your heartbeat,” I murmur. I must have dreamt it back. His thumb strokes back and forth across my upper back as he holds me.
“I don’t know what’s happened to me, but I’ll come for you. Be ready.”
I keep my cheek firmly pressed to his chest. “Dead people… er—” That was insensitive. “People who’ve passed… you can’t make promises.”
“The blazes I can’t,” he growls with his lips against my hair.
I close my eyes and relish his nearness. “If I never find you again in reality, I daresay I’ll sleep the rest of my life to be with you in my dreams.”
He kisses the top of my head and sets me back with his hands still on my shoulders. “Escape.”
I revel in his commanding tone, the firmness in his eyes. I’ve missed it.
His blue eyes delve into mine with unwavering focus. “Promise me you’ll try to escape.”
I bring my hands up to grasp his wrists with a smile, feeling drunk on happiness just to be near him, even if it’s not real. “For you.”
Suddenly, I’m awake in the dark, my chest heaving.
My arms fall to the bed empty and cold as ice, my breath producing puffs of air before my face.
I clap a hand to my chest, clutching the material of my shirt in my fist as if an open wound lies beneath.
Mere attraction wouldn’t cause an ache such as this.
It’s love—I love him. I’ve loved him since I thought he was a Class A criminal.
I still love him, so much so that I know there’s no place in my heart for anyone else.
I let the acceptance of my feelings settle in the most right of ways, as if I just pressed a long-lost piece into the last spot of a giant puzzle with a satisfying click.
Rupi’s head pops up from beneath the furs, her feathers rumpled as she hops to my chest, perches on my hand, and pecks gently at my wrist.
“What is it, girl?”
She hops along my wrist and back to my hand, looking down at it.
“This?”
I turn my wrist and find the mate bond on my wrist glowing brightly in the dark. I frown. It’s glowing. Do mate bonds glow if one person dies?
I look up at Rupi with wide eyes as she dances across my chest happily, flapping her tiny wings with every hop. Does that mean…? Are Rupi and I simply grasping for a sliver of hope? Maybe. I know she loves Ikar as much as I, but that dream felt real, and the mate bond is glowing.
For a moment, I allow myself to ride the wave of hope that, when dashed, could lead to my insanity… What if Ikar is alive? If he is, what if I tell him the truth? What if… we bridge?
I bite my lip as I consider the ramifications.
I see it going two ways. Either I find him alive, convince him to forgive me, bridge with him, and restore lucent to our kingdom and the people are grateful, and I can eventually change their deep-rooted beliefs…
or, I bridge with whoever I have to bridge with if Ikar is dead, and the people might still hate us and end up killing me and all my Tulip sisters as they did before.
I realize that a lot of it has to do with who is now king.
If it’s still Ikar, I have to trust him and his ability to sway his people.
Anyone else… I’ll have to face the sorrow I’ve shoved into a dark corner of my mind and figure it out, because what’s worse than possibly being hunted down and killed in the future by the very people I’m trying to save?
Knowing I could have prevented an entire kingdom from being overtaken and not doing anything about it.
I know Renton is after Ikar’s throne, but if my king is alive… if I survive the thoughts of escape that begin to form in my mind, I’ll tell him somehow. I’ll do whatever it takes to be with him. I’ll apologize; I’ll tell him everything. I will.
My resolve firms as I lie there, his image still fresh in my mind from the dream.
I’ve never shared my secret with anyone outside the Tulips.
What am I supposed to do, run into his arms and shout that I’m a Black Tulip?
Apologize for lying to him for weeks? Beg him to forgive me for the massive amount of trouble I’ve put him through?
Where do I add in the part where I realized while I was imprisoned by gloam masters that I love him?
I throw an arm over my eyes and groan. I obviously don’t know how to do this relationship thing in any normal sort of way.
“Vera?” Tatania calls from across the room, her voice concerned. She must have heard my groan.
“I’m leaving, Tatania. I don’t know how I’ll do it yet, but you’re right—I need to escape. You should too.”
She’s quiet for a moment. “I’ll help. I’ve been thinking of a plan.”
I smile in the darkness, and Rupi twitters softly beneath the furs. My worries about Tatania fade. For the first time, I feel like she and I might actually be sisters.