Chapter 57 Vera
Vera
“Ikar.”
I currently feel like I’m going to hyperventilate or barf—both maybe.
I just know if I hold my hand up, it’ll be shaking like a leaf in a violent storm.
The words I’d made an oath to never share, and that have been trying to fight their way out, feel stuck in my throat—locked behind the promise I made to never tell anyone, especially a king.
But then… that image of him with another Tulip pops into my head again—motivation enough.
“I’m a Black Tulip.” It comes out sort of strangled, quiet, and shaky.
He smiles in a way that makes my heart beat faster than it should, looking more warm and pleased than ever. I’m not sure what I expected his reaction to be, but it isn’t this.
“Finally,” he breathes.
I merely blink at him in obvious confusion.
He speaks again, this time softer. “Thanks for trusting me. I know that took a lot.” He holds my gaze steadily, and my eyes begin to tear up when I realize the depth of his sincerity, and more so as I bask in the relief of sharing everything with him.
I told him.
“How long have you known?” I mumble in shock.
“Why d’you think I was chasing you through that fae market like a mad man?” He laughs. “Thank the blazes I had that identity charm, or people would think their king had lost his mind.”
He chooses another stone and tosses it expertly across the surface of the pool. I watch as it skips several times, then disappears.
He searches for more stones. “Jethonan helped me figure it out. I would’ve realized it sooner, except for that innocent-looking friendship bracelet.
Blazing thing threw me off.” He tosses another rock that soars close enough past Rupi that her feathers blow in its wake.
She fluffs her wings up indignantly and casts a scolding look our way before she resumes her playful bathing.
“I thought you wanted the names on the list…” I say slowly as the pieces begin to click together.
I never let him speak more than three words without interrupting once he caught me that day…
then we got attacked, and that has a way of ending a conversation rather quickly.
Did I honestly think he would have chased me down just because he needed my help as an originator all this time?
Or he needed names on a list? I feel foolish.
Still, it was I who needed to tell him. He needs to know I trust him if we’re to make anything of our relationship, and that prompts the question of… what are we?
I bite my lip as he throws another stone.
There are a few moments of silence between us where I try to catch up with the fact that Ikar knows everything.
I don’t have to hide anymore. He’s known for days.
The bracelet that was a tangible reminder of my promises is long gone, but all this time, I admit, there’s been an inward bracelet locking up parts of me just as tightly, and it feels good to finally be free.
“So we can fix this, right?” I ask, almost scared it’s too late.
He looks down at me. “Yeah. We can fix this, with you as my queen.”
A corner of his lips lifts into the handsome half-smile I dreamed about for the last week. Hope looks good on him.
“I don’t know how to be a queen,” I warn, trying to hide the terror I feel when I consider the position I’ll be taking but haven’t been prepared for.
“You know how to be a Black Tulip, and that’s exactly what our kingdom needs.
The rest will come.” He truly seems unconcerned about my lack of queenly training.
I wish I could be, as well. Do I know how to be a Black Tulip?
Will I know how to bridge when the time comes?
Do I have to do anything to make it all work?
I was never taught any of that, and it’s scary to say I don’t know when an entire kingdom of people is relying on me, but I try to draw on Ikar’s confidence and tamp down the instinct to panic.
I recline on my hands beside him again, trying to be present—content.
He’s alive and well, we’re getting along, we seem to be friends again, and he says we can fix things now.
Shouldn’t I be ecstatic? This is all I dreamed of while imprisoned in Renton’s camp, but it’s hard to be content when I imagine there could have been a kiss accompanying that moment where he told me we could fix this together, and there most definitely wasn’t.
Besides holding my hand yesterday, he’s hardly touched me since that single beautiful kiss at Mama Tina’s weeks ago.
I’ve caused monumental trouble for him, and I should be happy that he’s even willing to sit here and be friendly with me. I should be satisfied… but I’m not.
I know that with bridging comes marriage. Does he see the rest of our lives like a well-written contract? Will we simply be powerful magic friends who wed out of necessity? My nose wrinkles in response to that thought. I need to know, or I’ll drive myself batty.
I mentally prepare myself to ask, to be okay with whatever comes of my inquiry. I will not sob in front of him, but how to word it so I don’t sound overeager? My palms begin to sweat on the smooth rocks.
“Ikar?” It comes out all breathless and lover-like.
Dratted nerves. This is not going according to plan.
He looks my way. Here’s my moment. I swallow, and my tongue seems to grow three sizes.
“Can you forgive me? Can we be—er, are we… friends?” I nearly choke on that last word since it’s anything but friendship that I feel for him.
He lifts a brow at my struggle to spit the words out, a smooth stone in his frozen hand—there’s a beat of silence between us.
“I don’t generally kiss my friends,” he says wryly.
“Well, I don’t either,” I argue, blushing hotly now, and stare hard at a spotted stone that has suddenly captured my attention. “But it’s been a while since… y’know… and I’ve caused a lot of trouble, and I don’t expect you—”
He places a finger beneath my chin and lifts my gaze to his. “Is that what you want to be?” He’s as direct as always, and it’s terrifying to a person who loves to beat around the bush—rather, hide behind it.
I swallow, and I’m sure he can hear it. I can’t read him; his eyes are guarded again. He doesn’t sound angry, though there is a small crease between his brows I fixate on. Is he exasperated? Frustrated? I bite my lip.
“Is that what you want to be?” he asks again, softer now, beginning to pull his finger back. My chin follows it, begging him not to distance himself, and do I spy a hint of disappointment in his eyes, or is it a figment of my overactive imagination?
This is where I’m meant to declare my love, where I fight for him, and all my feelings rise up in a great symphony, ready to sing out in strong vulnerability—instead, all that comes out is a shaky, “Do you want to be friends?”
I can hardly meet his eyes. Friends is so much less than I’d dreamed of having with him, but better than nothing at all.
His eyes darken and his lips turn up in a roguish grin. “I’ve never wanted to be friends with you, Vera.”
My eyes shoot up to meet his, wondering if he means what I think he means—can he really feel the same as I?
“That’s awfully rude to say,” I whisper as he chuckles deeply and leans close.
He draws a thumb slowly along my jaw. I tilt my head up, and our lips brush so lightly it could have been a gentle breeze.
Then I lean closer, feeling bold, and meet his lips again, and he responds…
firm, gentle, intoxicating as his warm hand cradles my face, and his thumb moves across my skin in a gentle caress.
His clean scent hovers around us as our magic twines, warm and content.
Suddenly, I can’t get enough of him. I find myself on raised knees beside him, his hands now at my waist tugging me closer and mine sliding from his strong shoulders to the back of his neck in a close embrace as our kiss deepens.
All my senses are set afire as the world around us disappears, leaving just he and I and the magic swirling around us.
“King Ikar.”
Ikar’s head jerks up almost violently, and I’m left severely disappointed as we both turn to find a squat nymph covered in skin of rich brown bark and hair of orange leaves bowing lightly before us—I swear I hear cracking like a tree bending too far in the wind.
He straightens. “I’ve been sent to invite you and your entourage to a celebration thrown by Queen Odella this evening.”
Ikar nods and clears his throat, but the roughness of his voice sends heat through my entire body. “We’ll be there. Please send Odella our thanks.”
The man nods sharply and waltzes out the open gate, oblivious to what he interrupted.
For a moment, I wonder if maybe we can revisit that kiss, but Ikar reaches an arm around me, and I sit down as he pulls me into his warm side. I lean into him, soaking up his nearness.
“So… does this mean you forgive me for all the trouble I’ve caused you?” I ask.
He looks down at me with a slight frown turning his brows, and I worry I’ve ruined the moment by bringing it all up again. I open my mouth to say something to fill the silence, but he chooses that moment to continue, so I close my mouth with an audible click of my teeth.
“The day I realized that you were what I had been searching for, and you knew it and chose not to trust me, I was angry.”
I thought I was prepared for this conversation, but the pain that tightens my chest tells me I could never be ready.
“And hurt. More than I’ve ever been. I thought I’d done everything I could possibly do to earn your trust.”
I look down and my eyes burn again. I refuse to cry and make this about me. No words of defense come to mind.
“I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to.”
That’s where he’s wrong, and I’m about to tell him so, but then he speaks again and I’ve interrupted him enough over the past several weeks, so I stay quiet. Trying to be patient. It’s his turn now. I take small breaths since that’s all my lungs will allow.
“So, yes, I was upset, but I’m not now, and… there’s nothing to forgive, Vera.”
I sit there staring at the rocks beneath us blurrily while his words echo in my head at least three times.
“That’s not true,” I say almost angrily.
His eyes soften, and he grabs my hand in his, rubbing a thumb across my skin, leaving it tingly and warm.
“I may have been angry, but I’ve had time to reconcile that.
I understand. You stayed true to promises you believed needed to be kept, thought you were protecting people you cared for—that’s an honorable thing—though I must say with the extent of your loyalty, I’m glad you’re on my side now.
” He chuckles. “No forgiveness needed from me… it seems it’s you who needs to forgive yourself for not knowing any different. ”
Forgive myself? That’s something I’ve never thought of before. It feels odd to consider.
“Ikar, don’t you think it’s about time to let Vera use the pool?” Darvy stands nearby, smirking as he eyes the way Ikar’s arm presses me close to his side. There’s a towel in his hand that he must have used to dry his short hair that currently sticks up like the quills of a threatened porcupine.
Ikar nods, speaking to both Rhosse and Darvy. “We’ve been invited to a celebration tonight.”
“We could skip it,” I suggest with a whisper, prompting a chuckle from Ikar.
I don’t want to go to a party. I want to stay right here with him, just like this, for the rest of my life as I feel his broad chest expanding beside me with even breaths.
He’s alive, he knows what I am, we’re to be married, I don’t have to hide anymore, and from the conversation and the heady kiss we just shared, I think we might be more than friends.
“We should go. Queen Odella has been good to us.” Ikar plants a soft kiss on the top of my head. I can hardly believe I’m the recipient of his affection, and this time… it’s not a dream.