31. Why Won’t He Be The King I Know He Is?
31
Why Won’t He Be The King I Know He Is?
Aliza
I n the bathroom of the cabin there was a tiny, age-spotted mirror. My reflection was mercifully cloudy, but that did little to hide the truth I was confronted with as Idris buttoned me back into my rumpled dress.
I was a mess.
This little excursion had been rather spontaneous, and I hadn’t prepared for it in any way. It turned out that fae males were just as useless as human men when it came to stocking their bathroom cabinets, and I’d been forced to attempt the taming of my bedhead with a tiny little comb.
I’d failed.
My fuzzy cloud of hair looked like I’d slept in a hedge. When I returned to Tir o Gaeaf in yesterday’s gown, with hair like a nest and the other brother on my arm, it would be immediately obvious what had happened. If only I didn’t have a part to play; under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have cared a bit. I might even have been unbearably smug.
“There.” Idris fastened the last button, laying his hands on my shoulders and peering into the mirror. “Are you ready? ”
“Do I look it?” I gave a wry smile.
“You look exactly how a female should look the morning after claiming her male.” He kissed my neck. “Beautiful. Glowing. Like you’ve just clawed your way out of his bed for a moment.”
I turned to face him, looping my arms around his neck and standing on my tiptoes to kiss him. “What if I want to claw my way back in?”
I expected a grin or a suggestive remark. Instead, his expression grew serious. “The choice is yours alone, Aliza. I know I asked you to play along, but nobody will force you to do anything you don’t want to do, least of all me. I gave up my crown, I won’t force you to pick it up.”
My leaden heart sank to the pit of my stomach. “Why don’t you pick it up?”
He stiffened. “It’s not mine anymore.”
“It could be, though,” I insisted, seizing on his weakening argument. It had always been about how he didn’t want it before, now it was only that it didn’t belong to him. But it did. I wouldn’t steal it from him if there was even the slightest chance he might want it back.
His face paled and he gave his head a tiny shake. My momentary flare of hope fizzled out, replaced by a heaviness that dragged at my body.
“Okay.” I turned away, pretending to examine my reflection. I smoothed my trembling hands down my wrinkled skirt, for all the good it did.
“Aliza—”
“No, it’s fine,” I said, my voice overly bright as I swept from the bathroom. I threw myself into the nearest chair, focusing extra hard on cramming my feet into my shoes. “I shouldn’t have said anything. We should get going. I have five kingdoms to save. ”
Tears welled in my eyes as I rose to my feet, but they had little to do with the pain in my pinched toes and everything to do with that head shake. Hurt and anger pulsed through my veins, giving me the surge of energy I needed to walk without hobbling as I marched across the cabin, straight past Idris and out of the door. Why did I have to go back to Anwir and perform? Why couldn’t it be Idris at my side while we rallied the people? I didn’t want to work with his brother, who made every moment hideous. He muddied the water, and I couldn’t tell if that growing ball of dread in my stomach was more to do with him, or if it was the prospect of being a queen at the end of it that caused my nausea.
The prince rushed after me. “Aliza, wait, please.” He caught up, wheeling himself in front of me. He gripped my upper arms. “Don’t do that. Talk to me, always.”
“What’s there to say?”
He blew a sigh out his nose. “I don’t know. I don’t know what you want, or what the future holds, but I’m trying to understand.”
“I don’t know either. I didn’t plan for any of this.”
“I know, and I’m sorry. I would like to figure it out together, though. As confusing as all of this is, I know I want you.”
I pressed my lips together. Would he still want me if, once the war was over, I picked up the crown he’d tossed aside?
My chest heaved as it fought to contain all the emotion it had collected over the past twenty-four hours. “I don’t understand you. You asked me to go along with Anwir’s lies, and I am, but now you’re saying you won’t force me to do it. Who’s going to do it, if not me? Anwir?” I scoffed, making my feelings on that option known. “You? ”
Idris shook his head, his eyes wide and stricken, like a scolded child. My heart sank.
“You’re such a good person, Idris. I just don’t understand why you don’t want to do good.”
He shook his head again. “That’s not me. I’m selfish. I’ve always been selfish, and everything I care about is right here in front of me.” He leaned closer, his nose skimming mine.
“I don’t believe you,” I breathed, my eyes growing wet again. Part of me wanted to give in, to lean into his touch and taste the lips that hovered so close to mine, but I’d started down this perilous path and I refused to be sidetracked. “I know you care about your people.”
The muscles in his jaw hardened. “When my uncle murdered Taryn, barely a handful of people tried to stop him. The rest of my court stood by in silence. When I was thrown into a cell to await the curse, nobody came to free me. When I rotted in a box for almost three hundred years, my people sat back and did nothing.”
“That’s different. They weren’t strong enough to fight your uncle.”
“And now they are?”
My arguments died on my tongue. He was right. With the gods on his side, Maelgwyn would be all but impossible to defeat, but that didn’t mean we should just accept our fate.
“I don’t know, but they have to try. We have to fight for a better world. It’s what I’m trying to do, because it’s what’s needed and expected, not because it’s what I want. It isn’t. I want to skate. I want to laugh with whatever friends I make here. I want to visit my parents, and lie in the sun, and if someone or something is hurt, I want to help them. I want to do whatever the hell I want, whenever I want. ”
Idris’ face grew tighter with every word, his spine stiffer, as though waiting for a blow to fall. Seeing him like that, readying to flinch after he’d already suffered more hurt than I could fathom, made my shoulders sag.
“But it’s not always about what we want, Idris, that’s what I’m trying to say. It’s about what’s right. If becoming queen means I can help people, is that such a terrible thing?”
He shook his head with a sad smile. “Not at all. You have the makings of a wonderful ruler. You were made for this. You’re everything I could never be.”
“I’m confused; you say you want me, but not the throne that comes with me, that was always supposed to be yours. What if I don’t have a choice about my future? What if you can’t have one without the other? Let’s just… go back. Let’s go back and try to win this war, and if we do… I guess we’ll both have some decisions to make.”
I turned away before he could see the tremble of my lip and teetered out of the door and down the steps. My heels sank into a carpet of crisp leaves. My feet throbbed with every step, but I was determined to make it past the wards under my own steam.
How had such a perfect interlude turned sour so quickly? I wanted to believe it was just the dread of returning to Tir o Gaeaf, but the weight in my gut told me it was more than that. If only Idris wasn’t so pigheaded. Didn’t he see? If he took his place in the world, if he shouldered his responsibilities, he could fly from dawn until dusk.
I didn’t want to give up on this weird and wonderful world, or its people, but when I tried to imagine a future without Idris at my side, it was dark. If it came to it, if I decided to do the right thing by Neath, would he turn his back on me? He said he wanted me, but at what cost? What price was too high for him to pay?
My dress caught on brambles and dragged over fallen leaves. My heels sank into the ground, my ankles wobbling dangerously on the uneven surface. Down the slope I stumbled, studiously ignoring Idris. I couldn’t so much as hear his footsteps, but I knew from the tingle of my spine that he was near. One day, my new body would adapt and I’d learn to move silently, just like that graceful, immortal bastard. Maybe I’d even learn to teleport too, and save myself the bother.
At least I didn’t have far to go before the wards zapped me. I halted, folding my arms. Idris appeared at my side a moment later, glancing at me from the corner of his eye. Looking away, I held out my hand in silence. His fingers closed around mine, but he didn’t give me even a moment to brace myself before whipping us through space, or rather, lack of it.
The darkness crushed me from all sides, squeezing the breath from my lungs and every thought but one from my head.
Bastard.
The cold of Tir o Gaeaf hit me like a physical blow, and I buckled, gasping, but it wasn’t only the temperature and the horrible effects of the journey that assaulted my senses.
Screams. Distant screams. The clash of metal, again and again.
An arm seized my waist, and I was crushed to Idris’ side as he half hauled me over the gritted ground and into the shadow cast by a sheer, icy wall of Rhewlif palace.
“What’s happening?” I clung to him, peering around the courtyard. People poured through the distant gates and through the palace grounds. They swarmed past us, rushing up the icy steps and into the shelter of the towering building, their faces stricken and, in some cases bloodied, some of them clutching terrified babies and children. Armoured guards ushered them inside, shouting orders and directions.
“The wards are down.” Idris’ head swivelled in all directions. “I felt it as we came through. No resistance.”
The ground tremoured as a distant explosion rumbled the air. Snow tumbled from the quaking branches of nearby trees. Those flooding the courtyard screamed, ducking. My grip on Idris tightened.
“Get inside the castle.” He gripped my face in his hands, his expression as serious as I’d ever seen it. “Stay hidden.”
I grabbed his wrists before he could disappear. “What about you?”
“I have to find out what’s happening.”
“You’re going to fight, aren’t you?” Had he taken my words to heart? Was this an attempt to step up? Panic as icy as the world around me seized my lungs, stealing all my air. Suddenly, Idris fighting for his kingdoms was the last thing I wanted. I shouldn’t have said all those things to him. He didn’t need to prove his goodness by risking his life. If Maelgwyn was behind the failing wards, if he had come for us…
Idris gave me a grim nod. “If Gaeaf falls, we lose the east. We lose everything. Now get inside where I know you’re safe.”
“Wait!” I tightened my grip as he tried to leave. Green eyes found mine. My throat dried up, and my words shrivelled to husks. I wanted him to be as selfish as he claimed to be, to stay with me and leave the kingdom to its fate. So much for my righteous speech.
Idris smiled grimly, prising my hands loose. “I will find you when the fighting is over. That’s a promise.”
“Idris, don’t. Don’t go. ”
“Those choices you spoke of, they will be lost if the east falls. Stay here, stay alive. I will come back when we have a future to decide upon.”
His lips crushed against mine, right there in front of everyone, but then he disappeared, leaving me to stumble in crisp, frosty air. I stared around wildly, but he’d teleported.
So much for not caring.
Fear rooted me to the spot. People rushed past, children wailed, and all I could think of was Idris, risking his life to ensure we had a chance to make the choices that may well tear us apart.
Was he fighting for his kingdoms, or only for us?
Something tightened behind my sternum, and I buckled forward, pressing a fist to the pain. The bond. The physical manifestation of my connection to the prince who’d saved my life. My lungs refused to work, sucking in shallow, ineffective breaths.
Idris had gone to fight, maybe to die, and I couldn’t stand it. Couldn’t stand to be left behind, to be without him, when everything I’d become cried out to be near him.
“Come along, Your Majesty. Inside.” Someone seized my arm, and I stumbled toward the palace steps on hollow legs. “You’ll be safe inside. No need to fear.”
The guard guided me up the steps but disappeared the moment I set foot in the entrance hall. The river of rushing bodies flowed into the palace, past the staircase and down into the depths of the building. A veil had settled between me and them, sheer and ghostly. They were there, but separate. A different species in another place, and I was watching from far away .
Only one voice penetrated the fog of my brain, and its owner had abandoned me.
Stay hidden.
I stumbled toward the staircase that would lead me to the upper levels, clinging to the bannister.
On numb legs, I began to climb.