Chapter 5
Five
Adelasia
I meant to hold his hand. I even tried to. I meant to twist my fingers in his before I shut the door.
But I didn’t. I couldn’t. Something dark and cruel inside me clenched and stopped me. The magic in my veins coiled behind my ribs like a wild beast, pouncing at everything it feels challenged by.
I felt my fingers twitch for Kaius, but they never lifted.
Every word that came from my throat was harsh and cold, and the man I love—the man I died for—looked at me as if I had a face he couldn’t recognize. The part of me that dragged myself back from the grave for him seems like a distant memory now.
I was warned, when I was in that uncomfortable in-between, that I would be punished, but I didn’t listen because I thought I could overcome whatever came my way. That magic and death wasn’t so hard to control after having experienced it in the most whole way possible.
I was wrong, and now my punishment is the horrible loneliness that turned Kaius into a tyrant. I never wanted that for me, for us. I only wanted him, but I can feel that magic trying to push him away so it can be more free.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough to stop it.
“I love you,” Kaius says as he presses a kiss to my forehead.
His shoulders are tense yet defeated. He’s trying to understand me, but I won’t let him, because whatever is inside me fears control more than anything, and violent rejection towards the man I love is the easiest way for it to isolate me.
I nearly fall to my knees. I dig my fingers into my arm, trying to stay grounded, but the blood in my veins feels like ice.
Sharp. Hard. I want to scream at myself.
I want to crawl out of my own throat and ask him what’s wrong with me.
I want to cry and beg him to hold me and promise that I will be okay.
But my lips refuse to tell him that I love him back. Every emotion within me is governed by this strange magic, and I tremble as I look down at my hands, watching the poison rot in my fingertips ever so slightly cover more of my skin.
I’m scared, and the only thing the magic inside me will allow me to do is walk away without a word.
I’m losing myself, and I don’t know how to tell Kaius that I’m still here buried beneath his darkness. I don’t know how much longer I can fight this without him.
And that’s exactly what it wants.
I dance until my feet bleed. Until the silence roaring in my ears is deafening and the rot under my skin is trying to stop itself from sweating out of my pores.
My studio was always a sacred place to me in this strange world.
Somewhere I could kiss pieces of my old life and feel normal again.
It was the first room Kaius rebuilt for me after the palace fell.
The floor is still dark marble, but the ceiling is high, elegant crown molding holding it up like an ancient cathedral.
The walls that do not have mirrors are draped in heavy velvet fabric that somehow billows without wind.
All that’s in this room right now is my feet striking the floor with a snap, and the sharp inhale of my breath between turns. I don’t even let my instruments play music. The music is only in my mind; a haunting waltz with unsettling strings.
The more I spin, and catch my spot in the mirror, the less I recognize whoever I’ve become. My body is tight and tense and wrong.
I’ve been at this for hours, or maybe longer. Time has no meaning to me anymore, and I just need to feel something that isn’t whatever’s been crawling around in my chest.
I was supposed to be free when Yekaterina crawled out of my spine, but I feel more caged than I ever have before.
Dancing is my salvation, and the sweat slick on my skin should bring me relief, but it doesn’t. My face twists, and suddenly, I’m sobbing. I cover my mouth with one hand as I clumsily stumble to the barre, grabbing it so tightly that the delicate wood splinters under my grip.
I don’t even mind the splinters.
I open my eyes, and watch the reflection staring back at me bore into my soul with dark, vicious eyes. I hit my reflection, causing the mirror and the floor beneath me to crack.
I stand and move away from the fissure in the floor, and the candles surrounding the room snuff out one by one until I’m left in the dark.
I look at the mirror again, and my gaze alone cracks the remaining panels. The air turns sour with the scent of magic I’ve only ever known when the Priestesses are in the room.
But I’m alone.
I fall to my knees, and beg the darkness inside me to let me breathe, but it doesn’t care. It wants this. It wants to hurt me. It wants me to hurt someone else. It wants to consume.
I can’t breathe. My throat tightens and pins me to my place on the floor. The marble continues to crack under my palms and the velvet lining the walls burst into unnatural blood-red flames.
For a moment, a part of me wants to give up and just let it take me. I close my eyes, trying to decide if that’s the magic talking or my conscience.
Then I feel something behind me. Not malice, not magic. Warmth.
A hand gently touches my shoulder.
And the room goes quiet. I look up, and the room isn’t destroyed. The curtains aren’t on fire. The mirrors aren’t shattered. Everything was an illusion, trying to get me to break.
I hear someone softly say my name from behind, and then a warm hand gently caresses my shoulder.
I turn my head to find Rowan kneeling behind me, his wings slowly unfurling and wrapping the space around me like a cocoon of safety, and I get the strangest feeling that I’ve felt that safety once before.
“Why are you here?” I ask, a bit harsher than I intended to, but everything I say lately seems to be laced with poison.
“You were calling for me.”
I furrow my brow. “I don’t remember saying anything.”
“Not with your mouth, maybe. But you were calling for me. I felt it.”
“Why would I call for you and not Kaius? You’re not making any sense.”
Though that ever-present smirk is still on his face, his voice is soft, almost reverent. “I can leave if you want.”
I don’t answer him, and instead take a deep breath before sitting on my calves and rubbing my hands down my face, trying to wipe away my troubled expression. I try to take a slow, even breath, but it comes out shaky like it dragged itself through thorns in my chest.
“Do you know what’s happening to me?” I ask quietly.
He takes a deep breath. “No, but I think whatever is happening to you is happening to all magic, in more subtle ways. I can feel it with mine. It feels stronger, but more volatile. Uncontrollable.”
I look at him with my mouth turned down. “Is that what your explanation is for what you did to me in the courtyard?”
He huffs out a laugh. “That was all me, darling. Perhaps you’d like another taste?”
“I—"
I try to deny him, but the next time I inhale a breath, I’m intoxicated with the smell of sage, balsam, and a slight hint of citrus.
The next time I blink, Rowan is surrounded in a pretty silver aura that twinkles, and I can’t look away.
His touch on my shoulder is hot and I want to pull him closer to feel the warmth everywhere.
That’s what I do. I pull him on top of me by the front of his jacket, chest to chest as his wings spread out, the marvelous feathers on full display.
My breath shudders as I meet his eyes after glancing at his lips. “Kaius will be angry,” I say quietly. So much of me knows this is wrong, but the rest of me wants him so badly I’m almost ready to cry. “He’ll kill you.”
Rowan sighs, and then suddenly, his magic releases me. I blink and shake my head to escape the remnants of the trance, push him off me, and sit up. The fire in my veins that was molten for him dissipates as quickly as it came.
I want to be angry, I do. But something in Rowan’s face looks broken and sad, and I can’t bring myself to scream at him like I want to.
He backs off completely, standing and walking away. Just before he passes through the doorway, he turns to me slightly, and whispers: “You will never be alone in this, Adelasia. Not while I’m alive. That’s a promise.”