20.
Shay
Nigel’s flat was only a short walk from Maggie’s. I pressed the buzzer by the front door several times, but he didn’t answer. I tried texting and even calling his phone, but he didn’t pick up. I finally managed to get into the building when one of his neighbours recognised me and let me in.
I took the stairs two at a time to his floor, my gut dropping when I saw his door was ajar. My biggest worries flooded in as I stepped inside and found him face down on the couch, unconscious. Hurrying to his side, I checked his pulse.
Thank God, he was breathing.
There were several empty vodka bottles strewn about. He’d been on a bender. Well, a bender that involved drinking himself into a stupor alone in his flat. I’d never known my friend to drink so heavily. Something bad had obviously happened to him, but I’d been so wrapped up in Maggie I hadn’t noticed.
Fuck, I was a shit friend.
I spent a few minutes tidying up before giving his shoulder a nudge. Nigel groaned and rolled over onto his back. He looked wrecked, his eyes unfocused and bloodshot.
“Shay?” he asked, slurring my name.
It’s me, I signed as his bleary eyes took me in. You left the door open. Some sort of pain slashed across Nigel’s face as he tore his gaze away.
“I’m so sorry, Shay,” he whined. “I’m a piece of shit.”
It’s okay. You’re not a piece of shit. Whatever happened, we can sort it out.
“You don’t understand. I …” He lurched forward, and I winced when he vomited all over the floor. The smell hit my nose instantly, and I bit back a grimace. Nigel fell back on the couch, groaning as he held his stomach.
Ah, hell, now I was going to have to clean that up.
“I know you love her, but I love her, too,” he said, and I froze. Time slowed down as I convinced myself I’d misheard him. “I can’t stop thinking about her,” he rambled on. “Never should’ve touched her. I need her. She told me not to tell you, but it’s killing me inside. I hate myself for doing it. She’s so beautiful. I think about her all the time.”
Icy fear sliced through my veins. Was he talking about Maggie? And what the fuck did he mean about loving her, too? Tears were streaming down his face, and it shocked me. I’d never seen my friend cry. He’d been sad at my mother’s funeral, but he hadn’t shed a tear. His show of emotion didn’t soften me towards him. Instead, my thoughts turned dark because if he was saying what I thought he was saying …
Moving closer, I knelt by the couch. What do you mean? Who are you talking about?
I signed the question but received no response. Nigel had passed out again, and my thoughts raced a thousand miles a minute. His words ran through my head on a loop.
Never should’ve touched her. I need her. She told me not to tell you but it’s killing me inside. I hate myself for doing it.
My concern for Nigel soon turned to fury. Like, what the actual fuck was he talking about? I wanted to shake him awake and force him to explain himself, but he was out cold. Even if I could manage to wake him up, he was too shitfaced to talk plainly.
My brain scrambled to figure out what he’d said. Maggie and Nigel met before she’d come to dinner at my house that first time. She’d told me what happened, how he was drunk outside her place, but was that all? Had more transpired between them? Maybe on the night when he’d stopped by her flat to apologise for his behaviour?
She told him not to tell me? That was what he said, wasn’t it?
No, that didn’t feel right. I was missing something. Maggie was too forthcoming. If Nigel made a move on her, she would’ve told me. And what the hell did he mean he was in love with her? He didn’t even know her. No, the only way to make sense of this was to talk to Maggie directly. If there was any truth to it, she’d tell me; that much was certain.
Leaving Nigel’s flat, I headed back to Maggie’s. Yes, I left his vomit all over the floor. If what he’d just confessed to me was true, then I never wanted to see the fucker’s face ever again, never mind clean up his mess.
As I walked, I was plunged back into my relationship with Emer. That same feeling I got when she’d told me she’d cheated returned, the hollowness I’d felt, but it was worse because what I felt for Maggie far outweighed anything else. I loved her in a way that made the love I’d thought I’d felt for Emer seem empty and inconsequential by comparison.
It was a pure love, but Nigel had tainted it.
I hated him, hated he’d tossed doubt over what I thought I had with Maggie and made me question everything. Why did he want what I had? There were a million other women out there. Why couldn’t he just be in love with one of them?
The entire walk back to her place I’d worked myself up into a state, convinced history was repeating itself and I was doomed to keep choosing women who betrayed me. I didn’t want to believe it, but my negativity bias was pulling the strings.
No, it wasn’t happening. There was an explanation. There had to be.
Maggie was a good person. She’d said she loved me. I just needed to talk to her. Maybe Nigel had come onto her, and she hadn’t told me because she knew how far back our friendship went. I remembered how guilty she’d seemed when she told me about him being drunk outside her flat.
Yes, that made the most logical sense.
I pressed the buzzer, and she answered right away. I pushed open the front door, then walked down the hallway to the door of her flat, knocking once before she appeared. Maggie’s long hair was wet, and she wore a towel robe. She’d just had a shower, and the part of me that was still hopelessly in love wanted to tear open the robe and kiss every inch of her skin.
But first, I needed the truth.
All I wanted was for her to tell me everything. To clear up whatever it was that happened with Nigel, reassure me there were no feelings or attraction on her end, so I could put the whole thing to bed. I couldn’t lose her. I wouldn’t.
“Hey, that was quick,” she said as I entered. “I didn’t expect you back so soon. I was thinking of putting a film on. What’s your favourite genre? Action? Comedy?”
Instead of answering her, I paced the floor, but Maggie’s flat was so small there wasn’t much room to pace. Seeing my agitation, she reached out to touch my arm. “Shay, is everything all right?”
Pulling out my phone, I typed, “What happened between you and Nigel?”
Her hand fell away as her eyebrows drew together. “Between me and Nigel? Nothing. What are you talking about?”
“Just tell me everything. I don’t care if it’ll hurt me. If something happened between the two of you, if he touched you, I’d just rather know the truth now.”
She moved forward, her eyes tilted in concern. “You’re acting so strangely right now, Shay. There’s nothing between Nigel and me.” She tried to touch my hands, but I stepped away. I ran one hand through my hair until I was gripping the back of my neck. With the other hand, I typed frantically.
“Please. Just tell me.”
“Shay, the last time I spoke to Nigel was the night he came to apologise to me, Siobhan and Bob. You already know everything that was said between us on that occasion. Previous to that, I’ve interacted with him twice. Once outside my flat when he was drunk and the other time was at your house for Sunday dinner.”
“Then why the hell did he just tell me he’s in love with you?” My eyes flashed to hers, demanding an explanation.
Maggie blinked. “He told you what?”
“He drank himself blind. I found him face down on his couch, and when I managed to rouse him, he started rambling and apologising, saying how he was in love with you and that he was sorry for ever touching you.”
Maggie lifted her hands in the air, her eyes wide in bewilderment and disbelief. I started to wonder if I’d made a terrible mistake because she didn’t look guilty. She only looked hurt. Hurt and vulnerable and confused. Fuck.
“Okay, hold up a m-minute,” she said, a catch in her voice. “He actually said he was in love with me. He mentioned me specifically?”
I frowned because no, Nigel hadn’t said Maggie’s name, but who the hell else could he be talking about? I was in love with one woman, Maggie, so that obviously meant …
Blood drained from my face as I dropped down onto the couch, feeling cold all over.
“Shay?”
Once more, I replayed Nigel’s words, and it all became so much clearer.
I know you love her, but I love her, too. I can’t stop thinking about her. Never should’ve touched her. I need her. She told me not to tell you, but it’s killing me inside. I hate myself for doing it. She’s so beautiful. I think about her all the time.
He hadn’t been talking about Maggie. He was talking about Emer. A different sickness came over me because if what Nigel was saying was true, then that meant …
He was the one she cheated on me with.
Renewed fury boiled inside me, not because I still cared about Emer’s cheating, but because my supposed best friend was the one she’d slept with. For over a year, he’d been coming to my house, eating food my father cooked, and all the while, he’d been the reason my relationship fell apart. I”d believed Emer when she’d said it was a random hookup, but there was nothing random about it. How long had he wanted her? Was it all through our relationship? I didn’t care if he thought he was in love with her. If he had feelings for Emer, then he should’ve told me, not gone behind my back.
I thought back on the last year, noting the changes in Nigel’s behaviour. Often, he’d turn up late to Sunday dinner, sometimes cancelling completely. He even invited me to hang out with him less often. Was that the reason? Was he keeping a secret so big it was eating away at him? A secret that was sure to destroy our friendship?
Listlessly, I turned to Maggie, not thinking when I signed, I’m sorry. I got it completely wrong.
“You’re sorry?” she asked, managing to translate some of what I said.
Coming to my senses, I typed into my phone. “I got it wrong. He’s not in love with you. When he started rambling about being in love with someone I loved, my thoughts just instantly went to you, but it wasn’t you …”
“Shay,” Maggie said, a wobble in her voice that caught my attention. My eyes flicked to hers. They were shiny with unshed tears, and it crashed into me once more how much I’d upset her. “I’m very confused,” she went on.
“Please, come sit beside me,” I typed, but she lifted her chin, instead going to perch on one of the chairs at her small dining table. She folded her arms, and frost seared my heart. I’d fucked up, and now, I had some serious grovelling to do.
“It was Emer,” I continued typing. “I think Nigel is the one Emer cheated on me with. That’s why he’s been drinking so heavily. The guilt has been eating at him.”
“Oh my God, that’s … If it’s true, it’s awful. You two have been friends since you were kids. I can’t believe he’d throw away a friendship like that.”
“I don’t think he ever planned on telling me. He was going to keep it a secret forever. The only reason he spilled his guts today is because he was drunker than I’ve ever seen him.”
“The secret clearly became too much. I almost feel sorry for him.”
“Don’t. He doesn’t deserve any sympathy.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to wait until the prick sobers up, and then I’m going to tell him he’s lost a friend.” Maggie blinked, then nodded, her gaze lowering to the floor just as my phone buzzed with a text.
Dad: Just put the roast in the oven. Will you be home for dinner?
Crap, with the drama of the morning I’d completely forgotten about Sunday dinner. I’d messaged Dad last night to let him know I was staying in Maggie’s, so he knew where I was. I typed a quick response.
Me: Yes, I’ll be there.
Returning my attention to Maggie, I saw she still sat on the chair, her expression a million miles away. What was she thinking? Had I fucked things up? It was such a mess, and it was all Nigel’s fault. Well, no, it was my fault, too, for not thinking properly and jumping to conclusions imagining Maggie was the one Nigel was rambling about.
I stood from the couch, then went to kneel in front of her. I tried to hold her hands, but she pulled them away. My heart plummeted to the floor. She was hurting. I could see it in the cast of her eyes. I caught her cheek in my hand. My expression held a thousand apologies. She sniffed, her voice small when she said, “I can’t believe you thought it was me, that I’d keep secrets from you. That’s not me, I’m not …”
My hand fell away from her face as I picked up my phone. “I know that’s not you,” I typed. “I’m a fucking idiot. My thoughts just went instantly to you because he said we were in love with the same woman. I didn’t stop for a second to realise he meant past tense.”
“You scared me, Shay.”
“I know, and I’m sorry. How can I make it up to you? I’ll do anything.”
Maggie pressed her lips together, her blue eyes sad. “I don’t know.”
“Will you come to dinner?”
I watched her throat move as she swallowed, her eyes flickering around the flat, settling anywhere but on me. “No, I um, I have some things to take care of around here.”
“What about Christmas day, then? Will you come to Ross and Dawn’s with me? And don’t say you’re spending the day with Siobhan because she already mentioned she’s going to visit her grandkids.”
“Sure, I’ll think about it,” she replied, her voice detached, and my gut sank. I really had screwed up. Self-recrimination threatened to drown me.
“Maggie, please don’t shut me out.”
“I’m not, I promise. It’s just … you hurt me, Shay. I know you were angry and acting on instinct, but you should’ve known Nigel couldn’t possibly have been talking about me. It’s not my character to ever keep anything from you. And I certainly would never cheat.”
“I know that,” I typed. “I wasn’t thinking.”
Dropping my phone to the floor, I pulled her face to mine, crashing my lips to hers. I kissed her desperately, needing forgiveness, but it was immediately clear that wasn’t going to come easily. She kissed me back, but there was a sadness to it. A hesitance. I’d wounded her, and I hated myself for it. I needed to make things right.
Drawing away, I searched her eyes.
“I’m not angry with you, Shay. I just need a little time,” she said in a quiet, gentle voice.
I nodded, understanding. When I was hurt, I tended to withdraw into myself, too. I didn’t want to give her time, and I certainly didn’t want to give her space. I selfishly wanted her forgiveness immediately, but I knew it didn’t work that way. I’d made a mistake, and I needed to pay for it.
I’ll go, I signed, motioning to the door as I stood. Maggie stood, too, gripping my arm. I turned, casting my gaze down at her.
“I still love you,” she said, searching my eyes. “I’m just bruised. And I think you need to go and have a long talk with Nigel when he sobers up. Figure out where this leaves your friendship.”
Our friendship could rot in hell for all I cared.
I nodded, leaning down and pressing my lips to hers softly. I ran my nose across her cheek, my heart hurting to leave her. But it was my penance, my punishment for being a reactive arsehole who jumped to conclusions.
It felt chillier outside when I left. Maybe the world was a colder place when I hurt someone as lovely and gentle as Maggie. I’d suspected her, questioned her loyalty when she hadn’t given me a single reason to distrust her. She’d laid herself bare to me, told me all about her mother and her childhood, and I’d thrown that vulnerability she’d shared right back in her face. I was furious with myself the entire walk home. When I reached my house, I slammed the door and went upstairs to take a scalding, punishing shower.
Later, when Ross, Dawn and the kids arrived, I was in such a bad mood I didn’t want to go downstairs, but I knew I should show my face. It was only as I was coming down the stairs that someone knocked on the door, and if the shape outside the glass was anything to go by, I knew exactly who it was.
Seconds later, I threw the door open, grabbed Nigel by his shirt collar and slammed him up against the wall. He still looked like crap, and I could smell alcohol on his breath and in his clothes. Had he woken up and come straight there?
“Shay, please, just hear me out. I didn’t mean to spill all that today.”
Letting go of him, I stepped away and signed, So, you were just never going to tell me you were the one Emer cheated with?
Pain flashed in his eyes, and he looked miserable as he raked a hand through his hair. “You figured it out,” he breathed.
Not right away. At first, I thought you were talking about Maggie, and you’re fucking lucky you weren’t because if you’d laid a hand on her, I’d bloody murder you. So, I went to her, might as well have accused her of cheating. I hurt the woman I love because you decided to get drunk and half spill a secret without explaining who exactly you were talking about.
“I’m sorry, Shay. I never wanted to mess anything up between you and Maggie, but this thing with Emer has been eating me alive. I’ve been in love with her for so long, but she doesn’t want anything to do with me, said the night we had was a one off and there would be no repeats.”
What did you think was going to happen? That you two would fuck behind my back, she’d break up with me and you’d both skip off into the sunset all the while we remain friends? Are you out of your mind?
“No,” Nigel replied, his voice full of dejection. “I always knew I was going to lose you, but I loved her so much I was willing to take the risk. You can’t choose who you fall in love with, Shay, and it was agony being around you and Emer. Now, I’ve lost both of you.”
Listening to him speak, the hopelessness in his voice almost made me feel sorry for him. If I’d found out he was the one Emer cheated with a year ago, I might’ve been angrier. Now, I was mainly angry because of the confusion he’d caused with Maggie. Last night, she’d told me she loved me, but because of Nigel and my own impulsive idiocy, I’d cast a shadow over all of that.
Why have you come here? I signed, losing some of my steam. Seeing the pathetic state of him, I felt only pity.
“I thought that now because everything’s out in the open, we could talk it all through. Save our friendship,” he answered.
We can’t. It’s already lost.
Some might accuse me of being cold-hearted and callous ending the friendship, but I couldn’t get past the fact that if Emer had been prepared to be with Nigel instead of telling him it was a once off, Nigel was happy to throw away our friendship for her. The only reason he was now begging for forgiveness was because Emer didn’t want him.
Nigel’s expression tightened, and he tugged at his rumpled shirt collar in frustration like I was being unreasonable. It was also clear there was still alcohol in his system because his words were slurred and emotional.
“Aw, man, don’t say that. You’re not with Emer anymore, and she doesn’t want me. She can be out of both of our lives, and we can go back to how things were. Plus, you have Maggie now, so—”
Don’t talk about her. I ground my teeth.
Nigel raised his hands. “No, you’re right. I won’t. Look, I know you hate me right now, but maybe after you’ve had time to cool off, we can talk about where this leaves us.”
There’s no cooling off from this. We’re not friends anymore.
“Ah, come on. Don’t be like that. She’s just a woman.”
It’s not about the woman; it’s about the betrayal, I signed.
Besides, if Nigel could do it once, he might try it again, and I had no intention of letting him anywhere near Maggie. A part of me wondered if he even really loved Emer like he claimed. Nigel was the kind of person who wanted what other people had. He saw us together, and he wanted it for himself, so he destroyed it only to lose both of us as a result.
“You’re my best friend, Shay. Don’t do this.”
It’s not a friendship when people do what you did.
I saw his frustration and self-pity turn to anger. “Oh, come on! You never even really loved Emer, not like I did. You were with her because she was the only girl in your work who could speak sign language—”
I wasn’t sure what came over me, but suddenly, my fist connected with Nigel’s jaw, and he went sailing backwards, managing to grab hold of a bush to keep from falling flat on his arse. It happened right as Rhys arrived, my cousin stomping into the garden.
“What the fuck is going on?” He glanced from Nigel to me. “Shay?”
Nigel was just leaving, I signed after I flexed my hand. I knew how to throw a punch, but my knuckles still smarted.
“I think you broke my jaw,” Nigel whined, and Rhys widened his eyes at me.
I didn’t break his jaw. He’s fine.
“Come on, Nigel, you look like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards, and you smell even worse. Let me drive you home.”
Rhys helped Nigel to his car, shooting me a look that said we’d talk when he got back. I stood by the door for a moment, then returned inside. My dad, my brother, Dawn and the kids were oblivious to the drama that had just unfolded out front.
“Was that Nigel I heard just now?” Dad asked. “Is he staying for dinner?”
No, I signed irritably. He won’t be coming to dinner anymore. I’ve ended the friendship.
Dad wore a shocked expression, as did everyone else. And even though all I wanted to do was sit in my room, quietly nursing my anger and resentment and guilt over hurting Maggie, I knew it wouldn’t help in the long run. So, instead, I spent the next half hour explaining everything that had happened with Nigel to my family. They were all horrified by what he’d done, and I was glad they agreed I was better off ending the friendship. I just didn’t see a way back to trust after something like that.
When Rhys returned, I knew by his expression Nigel had told him everything on the drive to his flat. Though, surely, he’d skewed the narrative in his favour.
My cousin blew out a breath, his hands in his pockets when he said, “Well, Shay, I always thought you were a peace lover. Never expected to see you throw a punch like that. Though, from what I’ve gathered, Nigel deserved it.”
Everyone’s shocked gazes fell on me.
“You never told us you punched him,” Dawn exclaimed.
As Rhys said, he deserved it, I signed irritably.
Dad cast me a troubled look. “I suppose he did, just don’t go making a habit of it.” He blew out a long breath. “Now, I better plate up this food before we all die of starvation.”
“What are you going to do about Maggie?” Rhys asked quietly when the others were busy discussing the kids. “It can’t have been easy for her being accused like that.”
I didn’t—I began to sign, but then realised he was right. He always was. Rhys was far too perceptive and emotionally intelligent to miss the fact I’d screwed up my relationship with Maggie before it had even begun. I’d basically accused her of being disloyal, and I didn’t know where to begin in scraping my way back from that. I’d woken up that morning on cloud nine. Now, I was deep down in the trenches.
I don’t know what to do, I signed. I fucked up. She’s hurt.
Rhys blew out a slow breath. “In that case, you’re probably going to need a grand gesture, plus a fair bit of grovelling.”
I thought on that as I recalled the pain in her eyes. Maggie’s face was etched into my heart, and I was desperate for a way to fix things. I wanted everything to go back to how it was last night. The more I considered it, an idea formed. There was something I could give her, something she wanted. I just hoped that, alongside a whole lot of grovelling, as Rhys put it, Maggie loved my gift enough for me to gain back a little of her trust.