21. Ella
21
ELLA
B odhi was quiet while we ate, his gaze darting around like he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing.
In his defense, Roman and I did not ease him into our chaos, but God, I missed my cousin so much.
When Bodhi excused himself from the table after we’d eaten, I had half a mind to follow him—to see with my own eyes if he’s actually okay or just faking it for my benefit.
“So what’s up with you and Bodhi? Seriously, that guy hasn’t taken his eyes off you since we got here,” Roman asks, obviously not sharing my internal struggle.
I shrug, trying to act casual even though my heart has tripped into a sprint. “We’re just friends.”
Roman scoffs and I feel my cheeks heat. “Bullshit. That guy does not want to just be friends.”
“Well, that’s what we are,” I tell my cousin even though I don’t know what we are—not exactly.
Our family is a lot and I don’t want him to regret coming here.
Being with me.
Or thinking he doesn’t want to be a part of this.
“For now, maybe,” Eden sasses and I glare at her.
“Don’t push it.”
“Fine, then let me stay here if you’re just friends. ”
“That has nothing to do with it. I’m just uninterested in having to make nice with whatever oh my God, Roman, you’re like so brave and we should hook up and stuff.” I do my best imitation of the exact scenario I watched unfold the last time we were both here, and he cringes.
“In my defense, that wasn’t my best decision.”
“You think?” Eden and I say in unison.
“Whatever,” he grumbles as Bodhi’s footsteps sound behind me and wow am I thankful he wasn’t here for this conversation.
Roman claps his hands together. “Well, in honor of my bad decisions I’ll learn absolutely nothing from, let’s go out for a drink,” he goads, his gaze bouncing between Bodhi and me, looking for the weakest link.
Normally, it would be me, but Bodhi looks like he’s about to crawl out of his skin at any moment. We can just stay in, and I can find out what’s bothering him. We can just?—
“Yeah, that sounds great,” Bodhi says, his response surprising the hell out of me.
“Are you sure?”
“That’s why we’re here, isn’t it?”
“I mean, I guess, but it was a long day and…”
“It’s fine, but I’ll just take a quick shower if that’s all right.”
“Sure.” I nod instead of asking him if I can join him because we definitely don’t have time for that. “Of course.”
Without another word, he turns and walks back to the bedroom, the door shutting with a quiet snick, as I continue to stare after he’s out of sight.
“Wow,” Eden mutters, a knowing smirk on her face as my head whips in her direction, “you’ve got it bad.”
“I do not, ” I lie because I totally do. My denial only lasts a minute before I spread my arms out wide. “Okay, I totally do but can you blame me? I mean look at him. ”
“No use,” she teases, “because he only has eyes for you.”
“What about being just friends?” Roman presses.
“It’s all so new and we… I don’t know. We ended up here and it’s just been one thing after another this trip and we haven’t had time to talk.”
“I don’t think he wants to talk as much as…” Widening his eyes, Roman makes some inappropriate hand gestures that have me laughing and throwing my balled-up napkin at his head.
He dodges it with ease, a look of triumph on his face.
“Hilarious,” I deadpan.
“I’m serious!” he insists, making me worry my bottom lip.
“You don’t think it’s just because we’ve been trapped together?”
“Hell, no, you’re a catch.” Roman winks, and my thoughts swirl as we wait for Bodhi to emerge. Because I want this to be real.
It already feels like it could be everything.
* * *
BODHI
Just friends.
I didn’t know that those two words could hold so much weight.
I didn’t know there’d ever be a time when I cared.
But wiping the steam from the mirror in some cabin in the mountains of North Carolina, I can’t think of two words I despise more.
What did you expect?
Too much, apparently—and at the end of the day, none of it is her fault.
I thought what happened in the hotel room meant something more than it did and that’s on me. Dragging my hand down my face, I try and pull in a couple of deep breaths before I have to go back out into the living room.
What the fuck was I thinking when I agreed to go to the bar?
Because you know she wants to go and she won’t if you stay here.
And that’s what a friend would do.
Maybe she only wants a friend with benefits—like a vacation fling or some shit.
Dammit.
Maybe this is what happens when you build your walls up too high. When you let people make assumptions about you and don’t bother to correct them.
I’d talked Mason through his first time when he told me he was going to go all the way with a girl from high school, and by all accounts I’d given him a hell of a pep talk.
He returned with a giant smile and more details than I wanted to know.
But even he doesn’t know, my brother by choice since I was nine years old. It’s the only secret I’ve kept from him—more an omission than anything else.
It wasn’t meant to be a secret, but I’d grown up in world where sex was almost never a beautiful connection between two people.
It was vile and heartbreaking, and I’d done everything I could to protect myself—to protect Mason and Audrey and so many others.
It hadn’t always worked, and that guilt—the revulsion my failure had caused—is tattooed on my soul, the parts of me that darkness consumes.
The parts that I hope no one else ever has to endure.
So, yeah, maybe I’m not a catch. Hell, Ella has already endured so much of my bullshit in the short time I’ve known her— really known her.
And that doesn’t even scratch the surface.
This isn’t for me.
It’s okay this might never be mine.
I bite my lip hard as I squeeze my eyelids shut, hoping the pain will stave off the tears. I’m losing my grasp on reality, on the things that had kept me safe—things I had controlled.
Keeping my circle impossibly small and only giving people the most surface details of my past had never been a problem.
And it still wasn’t…mostly.
But with the new trial and Mason finding a life with Lana and her kids, the need to run has never been stronger. He’s happy and he loves them.
He loves love.
And if there’s anything I did right in this world, it’s protecting that part of him—the innocence that still shines through even after all these years.
But I’m not my brother, and I never will be.
And I should probably tuck that hope I’d had back into the box it wrestled itself out of because the first woman I’ve even wanted to try with only sees me as a friend.
And that’s okay.
Because I’m too damn tired and I stopped dreaming a long time ago.