Chapter 3
NORA
Had he heard?
My heart thundered against my ribs.
When Jude’s eyes met mine, I felt a shock of something go through me—something I hadn’t felt since the day Jude and I met, when he’d asked me for my help at the library.
That day, I’d pretended like I’d never seen him before in my life.
But the truth was, I’d known exactly who he was.
Quince Valley was a small town—I’d passed him on the street.
I noticed him. How could I not? Tall, lithe, a smile that made my stomach feel like melted butter.
But he never noticed me. That time, though, looking at me—talking to me—he’d given me that wide smile of his, and it had unraveled something deep inside of me.
Jude Kelly, ex tennis pro and ambassador for various colognes and sports brands. Smiling at me. A no one.
His smile was different now. Sadder. But my whole body threatened to melt into a puddle all the same.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hi,” I whispered back.
Then I looked at Cap.
That was enough to settle the ridiculous hormones. Cap was the one I needed to focus on. Jude was my best friend, and I was happy with that. More than happy.
This wasn’t about me.
I gave Cap another squeeze, then angled him so he was facing his dad.
Jude came over to us, and I had to close my eyes to will away the scent of him. Shampoo and soap and Jude.
He squatted down. “I’m sorry, Cap.” Jude’s voice cracked slightly. “I shouldn’t have gotten so mad like that. I just…I only want people in our life who are going to love the heck out of us, you know?”
Jude glanced up at me. My stupid heart threatened to burst once more. It was fine. It was true, anyway. I loved these boys with my whole heart. They were as much my family now as me and my brother.
Even though I was leaving them.
“We want our friends and our family,” Jude said, brushing his son’s hair from his eyes. “That’s it, right? Just the two of us. That’s what we decided.”
“Yeah,” Cap said, folding his little arms. “That’s what we said. But…I also want a mom.”
Jude blinked, looking at me, slightly confused.
A mix of emotions ran through me all at once: Relief that Jude hadn’t heard what Cap had said a moment ago.
Admiration at Cap’s bravery. Mortification that now Cap probably would say what his secret wish was.
Because I knew what would happen when he did.
Jude would laugh. And I would want to shrink into these bushes and disappear.
But for once in his life, Jude seemed to have run out of words.
So, I stepped in. Even though my voice shook, and it made me sick, I said, “Maybe you could give her a chance, Jude. For Cap.”
Jude looked shocked. I could tell he wanted to say no, hard and fast. And I could tell he was mad at me for stepping in.
But he didn’t know this was the right thing for him.
For them both. Cap needed a mom—why not his own mom?
She was reaching out, sharing an olive branch, right at the time I was planning on snapping the bond between us.
But this was my perfect out. Maybe there could be some kind of fairy-tale ending for them—absorbing and wonderful enough to forget about me.
“I’m not interested in a relationship with her.” His voice was harder than I’d ever heard it. He meant it.
But before I could say anything, Cap stood up.
“I want to see her,” he said.
“No,” Jude said, his voice taut with anger.
“Why not, Dad? She’s my mom!”
Jude ran a hand over his face and turned away. He was going to freak out.
“Hey, Cap?” I asked, gently interrupting. “Do you think I could talk to your dad for a bit? I’ll make sure he answers all your questions about your mom, okay? But I think he still needs to get mad first—not at you—but at other stuff, and I don’t want you to have to feel sad about it.”
Cap blinked, then looked back at his dad, who’d turned back around, looking…betrayed. And wounded. And slightly devastated.
But then Cap rushed to his dad, throwing his arms around him. His hug was hard and fierce. Despite his anger, his dad was still number one. My throat went tight. They had each other, no matter what.
Jude picked him up, his arms holding his boy tight. “You go see Grandpa, okay? I’ll be there soon.”
While they hugged, I texted Chelsea and asked if she’d be okay to take Cap with them to the restaurant—we’d meet her there. She texted back with a thumbs-up just as Cap wriggled to get out of his dad’s arms. I let him know what the change of plans were, and Cap ran back to his aunts and uncles.
For a moment, we both watched him go, seeing Chelsea in the distance, separating from the others to meet him.
Then Jude turned on me. “Why didn’t you back me up?”
I struggled to get out of the bush. Any other time, Jude would have laughed at me, then helped me out. But not this time. He was furious.
“Because you’re being bull-headed about this!” I said, unable to find a branch to grab that wasn’t too spindly. Little leaves fluttered all over me.
Jude took my hand and lifted me out with one swift pull, so fast I nearly stumbled when my feet hit the ground. Sometimes, I forgot about how strong Jude was. He wasn’t huge like his brother Griff, or even their other brother, Eli. But he was tall. Hard. An athlete through and through.
For a moment, we stood with our hands still clasped. Then I tugged mine away, shoving it in my coat pocket as I mumbled a thanks.
“I don’t want to see her,” Jude said. His anger appeared to have cracked, just a little. “Our life is good now. Everything is perfect.”
“No,” I said. “It’s not.”
Jude frowned.
“Didn’t you hear him? Cap wants a mom, Jude. And he has one who wants to see him.”
He scoffed. “He doesn’t.”
“But they both want each other. Besides, you told me about her parents—how controlling they’d been. I bet they’re the reason she’s not in Cap’s life.” My chest hurt, saying all this, but I wasn’t going back now. Not when this was the best course of action for all of us.
Jude frowned. “Even if that’s true, she could have just ignored them.”
“You said yourself she was a young, na?ve girl back then.”
Jude grimaced. I knew I’d triggered his guilt again about what had happened. How he and Cap had happened. But this wasn’t about protecting his feelings.
“Jude…” My throat felt choked now. “There’s no reason why you shouldn’t find someone new. Why can’t it be her?”
Jude studied me for a moment with an incredulous expression on his face. Behind him, his family was piling into their cars with Cap.
“Since when do you care who I choose to be with, anyway?”
“You never choose to be with anyone,” I threw back, my voice tight. But I hated this. I didn’t want to fight with him. I took a breath. “I’m your best friend, Jude. I care if you’re happy.”
“I just told you, I am happy! You’ve never mentioned this before. Is this what you wanted to talk about? Did you…did you have something to do with her calling?”
“What?” I reared back. “Do you really think I’d do something like that behind your back?”
“I don’t know. Apparently, there’s a lot I don’t know about you.”
My heart cracked painfully. It was now or never. “Jude…” My voice was so soft I could barely hear myself.
“Speak up, Nora. I can’t fucking hear you.”
Hot tears burned in my eyes at the sharp jab. He was lashing out. He knew I was sensitive about speaking softly. Fine. If this is what it took for him to accept what was happening, and for me not to miss him, so be it.
I stuck my chin out, folding my arms tight against my chest. “I’m leaving, Jude.”
“What?” His face paled. He knew this was serious. He looked at me so intensely, with such panic, I swallowed, my mouth dry.
“I’m going to Waldorf College.”
Jude’s eyes widened. “The one in London?”
Jude knew where it was. We’d talked about the Waldorf College in London when my colleague at the library first sent me the email.
They were the most prestigious archival school in the world, and they were opening a scholarship program.
I’d laughed when I told Jude about it. But he’d shrugged and said maybe they had an archival program here in Vermont.
He’d never thought I’d actually apply to Waldorf. Why would he? Nervous, pathetic Nora.
“Yes,” I said. “I applied, and I got in.”
“You didn’t think to tell me?”
Anger rushed through me. “What would you have said, Jude? Would you have cheered me on?”
The way he looked down, I knew he wouldn’t have. And he knew it, too.
Jude lifted his arms and dropped them to the side again. “So that’s it. You’re leaving us. And you want me to, what, reunite with the woman who ruined my life?”
“This isn’t just about you, okay? I’ve spent my whole life hiding behind other people, afraid of what was out there. This is a good opportunity for me.”
“Do you even care about me?”
Now, it was my turn to gape. He hadn’t heard a single thing I’d just said. He was only thinking about himself. My voice was cool when I said, “It’s the best thing for all of us.”
But to my surprise, Jude’s eyes went wet. He looked quickly up into the night sky, away from me, his hands sliding over his hair. “You’re going to break Cap’s heart,” he said, his voice choked.
Not his, just Cap’s. I wasn’t sure why that hurt even more.
“It’s going to be hard, yes, but he’s going to have his mom to focus on. If you hear her out. Will you do that, Jude? For him?”
He said nothing.
I glanced over to the parking lot. Thank God we’d met here and didn’t have to have an awkward ride home.
Because I wasn’t going to the dinner anymore, that was for sure.
I was going home. My lease was up in a couple of weeks, and I was nearly done packing.
I’d stay with a friend from the library until the New Year, then I was getting on a plane and not looking back.
At least not until we’d all found our own paths.
“Jude,” I said. He was looking down now, but still not at me. “You get to be happy, you know. You don’t have to eternally punish yourself for whatever it is you think you did wrong. This is your chance at redemption, and you need to take it.”
When he still wouldn’t look at me, there was a sharpness in my chest. I knew then that I’d said what I could.
“I’m going to go now, okay? I leave on New Year’s Eve, so maybe we can see each other a few times before then.”
“New year new you, right?” Jude said, his voice cracking.
I swallowed down my own tears, willing myself not to fall apart until I was alone, in my car, away from him. But the thought occurred to me that maybe he wouldn’t see me again after this.
Maybe this was truly goodbye.
I walked around so I was facing him. I was going to give him a hug, even if he didn’t hug me back.
I was going to kiss him on the cheek and remember the feel of him close to me.
I reached up and placed my hands on my best friend’s shoulders.
But when I closed my eyes and leaned in, it wasn’t his cheek my lips hit.
It was his lips—warm and full against mine.
For a moment, time seemed to stand still. Then Jude’s hands rose to my waist, pulling me close.
The whole world seemed to spin as he slid his hand behind my neck, tipping my face back as my heart surged in my chest. If I weren’t standing on my toes, they might have curled with the heat rushing through me.
Pull away! my head screamed. But I didn’t want to—I wanted to stay right here, to melt into his arms.
That’s when he broke the kiss, his hands suddenly dropping to his side. The expression on my best friend’s face was something I’d never seen before. It was hard. Almost spiteful. It would have taken my breath away if it wasn’t already gone.
“Goodbye, Nora,” Jude said.
Then he turned and trudged across the snow, away from me.