34. Adair
34
ADAIR
I check to make sure my phone is securely in my pocket before taking a deep breath. “That’s what I told Sarah, too.”
“ What?? ” For the second time today, Jack spits that syllable at me, his tone as cold and sharp as the wind I can see picking up outside. “You wrote that to her?”
“Um, no,” I say in a small voice. “We got together for coffee —it was my idea —and talked. It was that same day I told you that I messaged her.”
My breathing has gotten unsteady, and I’m hoping I can get the rest out before I start bawling. “I thought it would be better if I sort of eased you into the idea and broke the news a little at a time. I didn’t want to just throw at you all at once that I’d gotten together with her and that she wants to see you again. To talk. I don’t know what else. I guess that’s up to the two of you.”
Jack drops his forehead into his hand and squeezes his eyes shut. “Jesus. Fucking . Christ,” he mutters before falling silent. He stays so still for so long that my nerves get the better of me and I start talking just to fill the quiet.
“I just thought if I contacted her, it would be better. Because I’d feel bad for you but it wasn’t going to hurt my feelings personally if she told me to fuck off or whatever.”
He scowls. “Why do you assume it would’ve hurt my feelings?”
“Because you’re human.” When I feel my mouth turn up into a tiny smile, I don’t try to fight it. “As much as you might hate admitting it.”
He shoots me a withering glare. “What else did you tell her?”
I’m about to give Jack a play-by-play of the whole conversation. A crazy, dumb-bunny thought whispers itself into my ear. I take it and run with it.
“I told her I loved you.”
His dark eyes burn into me. “Why?”
“Because it’s the truth.” He’s fighting to keep the emotion off his face, but he’s failing as I continue, “I do love you. And I’m sorry I fucked up by —”
I don’t get out the rest. Jack grabs me and hauls me right over the center console. I land on his lap half a second before he attacks my mouth with a deep, fierce kiss. When his tongue reaches mine, he lets out a strained, needy moan. I swallow the sound as I kiss him back with everything I’ve got. My pulse thrums in my ears as his mouth devours mine.
His big hand covers my nape. He slides it up until his fingers are twined in my hair. I brace for something rough —a grab or a yank — but he just keeps me there as he kisses me with a passion I didn’t know he had in him.
W e’re both a little breathless by the time we pull our lips apart.
As he appraises me, one corner of his mouth quirks up. “You still never answered me. Why? ” His tone is sarcastic as usual, but I can sense a guarded optimism hiding beneath his dismissive attitude.
“I’ve been thinking about it —a lot.” My voice hits a couple of bumps. I make myself push through them. “You take care of me. You came out here today to rescue me when my stupid car crapped out again even though we weren’t even speaking . You support my hobbies —you built me a gorgeous place to keep my books, you got me that digital pencil so I can draw as much as I want. You make me feel valued —like I matter, like what I like matters. And it’s — I’ve never had that before. I didn’t know what it was like. Orthat it would feel so good.”
Jack looks a little amused. “Don’t you read about that shit all the time?”
“Well, yeah, but that’s fiction! In real life, I figured that only people who were really special wound up with partners like that. I didn’t think I ever would. I guess I just didn’t think —” I give my head a quick shake as a lump forms in my throat. “I don’t think I deserve it. Especially not now.” I drop my eyes.
“That’s not true,” Jack tucks a finger under my chin to make me look at him. “Of course you deserve someone who takes care of you and supports you and tries to make you happy.” There’s an odd hoarseness to his voice, and his brows are drawn together.
I grimace. “I don’t know if I do, but you gave me all that. You made me happy. And you unlocked something in me I don’t understand. The way you dominate me, the way you hurt me, the way you fuck me —I never knew how badly I needed that, but I do. God , I need the way you make me feel. I need all the ways you make me feel, because they all make me feel like I’m yours . And I want to be yours more than anything.”
I pull in a long, shaky breath before I throw my arms around him and bury my face into his neck. “I missed you,” I mumble against his skin, blinking back tears. “And I’m sorry.”
Jack tightens his embrace and sighs. “I forgive you,” he says quietly. After a pause, he adds, “Missed you too, Bunny.”
I just stay like that for a minute, soaking in his solidness, his scent and the echo of his words. He missed me. Jack missed me. I’m hyper-aware of the feeling of his arms around me as I sink into the strange, scary, intoxicating feeling that this is us . That there is an us . And that I didn’t ruin us with my fuck-up.
After a minute or so, Jack pulls me upright.
“Uh, about Sarah…” he starts, looking uncharacteristically uncertain. “So, how’s this supposed to work, then? Did she tell you she wanted me to shoot her a text or whatever? Or did you tell her you would?”
I shrug. “Whichever you want, I guess. But —if I can make a suggestion?”
Well, knock me over with a feather . Jack just says, “Yeah. What?”
“It would probably mean a lot to her if you were the one to reach out.”
“I’m not sure about this, Bunny.” He shakes his head and blows out a hard sigh, but he picks up his phone anyway.
“Here,” I pull mine out of my pocket so I can pull up my contacts.
Jack frowns. “That’s not her number.”
I’m confused. “Sure it is. It’s the number she gave me.” I open up my text messages. “See? And I replied so she’d have my number, too.”
Jack just shakes his head without saying anything for what feels like a long time. Eventually, I start to get nervous. “What? What is it? Are you… OK?”
“Yeah,” he says slowly. “I didn’t know she changed her number.”
I wiggle back over into the passenger seat as he taps in Sarah’s number. In silence, I watch while he types out a message.
“I’m impressed that you knew right away what you were going to say,” I tell him. “It took me forever to write out the message I sent her.”
Jack smirks like I said something funny but he doesn’t look up until he shuts the screen off and puts his phone in the cupholder. There are questions in my head I’m afraid to ask him. Does this mean we’re OK? Is he still mad? Does he love me back? Is it OK to use the word boyfriend now, at least?
I settle on something easier. “What now?” Without answering me, Jack opens the door and starts to get out of the truck. “Where are you going?” I ask, a little timidly.
“Going to get that tow chain on and get your car back to the house so we’re not sitting on the side of the road all goddamn day,” he says gruffly.
“Oh. Thank you,” I say in a small voice. “Do you, um, need help?”
Jack lets out a snort and rolls his eyes. “What do you think?” Embarrassed, I turn to look out the window. Bossy asshole.
There’s some banging around before Jack gets back in the truck. “Thank you.” My voice is small.
Jack just grunts in response as he starts the truck and pulls out into the road. A sudden thought hits me and I put my head in my hands with a groan. “Fuck. I forgot — the book convention. Guess I’m definitely not going now.”
Jack frowns without looking at me. “Why not? You bent my ear about the stupid thing nonstop.”
“I’ve barely brought it up at all!”
“OK, sure .” He rolls his eyes. “So why don’t you want to go all of a sudden?”
“I do . But it’s this Saturday, and my car…”
“Ah.” Jack runs a hand over his beard. “Yeah, I don’t know if I’ve got time to fix it before then. I was figuring I’d just drive you to work and you’d have to get Gigi to drop you off back home until I could take care of it over the weekend.”
In the grand scheme of things, this shouldn’t be a big deal. Things could be much, much worse. I don’t have to spend all the money I’ve spent weeks saving on a stupid car repair. It also looks like I don’t have to spend it on rent and a security deposit.
But even though I know I brought it on myself, my emotions have been through the wringer. Missing the book convention feels like insult to injury —another goddamn disappointment life chucks at me that I have to swallow and deal with. I blink fast a few times, trying unsuccessfully to hold back tears.
When Jack sighs, I squirm as I wipe my eyes on my sleeve. Even though we just shared a moment , I’m embarrassed to be crying in front of him over something this trivial.
“OK, OK — stop that,” he says, his voice unexpectedly gentle. “How about this? I’ll drive you out there and come get you at the end of the day.”
I can’t believe my ears. “That’s two long round trips!” I shake my head. “You don’t have to do that.” Even as I’m protesting, though, I’m hoping like mad he’ll insist.
“I know I don’t. But what kind of dick wouldn’t be willing to give his boyfriend a ride?” I feel my eyes widen. Jack glances at me and chuckles at my expression before he shoots me a sly smile and reaches over to give my thigh a squeeze. “If you want to make it up to me, I’ve got a couple of ideas.”