Chapter 9 I’d Date Me
NINE
I’D DATE ME
Rage
I hold her hands tightly, my thumbs brushing over her knuckles. Her eyes are red and puffy. My chest tightens at the sight. What happened?
I rack my brain, trying to figure out if I’ve done something wrong.
Did I mess up? I thought I handled the situation with the Russians pretty damn well—better than expected.
There were no fights, no chaos. I don’t think they saw Rose’s face or recognized her, and that was the most important thing to me.
But, fuck, it was close. Too close. They might’ve caught a glimpse of her, and the thought makes me feel sick. I did everything I could to shield her, to keep her out of that world. The last thing I want is to drag her into it. Maybe it’s not that. Did something else happen? Did her ex contact her?
I glance at Ava. By the disappointed look on her face aimed at me it seems I’ve done something wrong.
Rose forces a smile. “I’m okay. You just do what you need to do, and we can talk about it later when you’re free.”
My eyes narrow slightly. “When I’m free? No, let’s go to my room and talk about it now.” I don’t want to see her upset because of me.
“Okay,” she gets off the stool and walks beside me.
“You and I need to have a chat later,” Ava calls out as we walk upstairs. Dread festers inside of me. I feel guilty; I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to feel guilty about. Is it about the lingerie?
Rose takes a seat on my bed, and I close the door.
“What’s up?” I ask, and sit beside her. I hate this uneasy distance between us.
She takes a second and gathers herself before she looks at me again. “I could sense you were angry.”
I nod. I was. But all it took was one look to see her upset, and my mood changed.
She takes a breath. “It just triggered me, I guess. It put me back into the mindset of what happened with Tyler. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I’ve seen you hit someone, and even though I feel like you’d never hurt me, I don’t think you realize how much you change as a person when you’re angry. ”
That guilt now feels like a punch to the gut as I watch her struggle to tell me how my actions caused her to relive the scariest time of her life.
I run my hands down my face. “I’m so sorry” is all I can get out.
I wanted to be her peace, her safe space, and I made her feel anything but.
I glance away, trying to think of the right way to explain myself.
I take a huge breath and give it a go. “I care a lot about you, and I’ve never had to care about anyone but myself, so I don’t mean to upset you.
I’m just used to being me. I thought I was controlled, though.
I didn’t take it out on you. It’s just that when I get angry, it’s hard for me to let go of that anger.
You seem to be the only person who can snap me out of it. ”
As I say it, I can’t believe how true it is. I have no off button, but with her, there’s something inside of me that just settles. She calms the anger and pain, and suddenly it’s only her I’m thinking about. She means more to me than I realized.
“I can feel your tension and your anger.” Her shoulders fall as she says it, but her gaze meets mine, her expression solemn.
“I do trust you, but seeing you worked up and what you’re capable of, it didn’t matter that I trust you.
” She hastily wipes her eyes. “It just brought up those feelings again of not feeling safe. And another thing . . .” She looks away, biting her lip.
“When I was in my early twenties, I was in a relationship with a guy who hit me when he was drunk.”
My stomach knots and my heart aches for her.
She gives me a sad smile. “I ended up leaving him.” She twirls the silver ring on her finger. “It was a long time ago now and I eventually moved on. When I see you angry, I automatically stress out, and the incident with Tyler has brought all those old feelings crashing back.”
Fuck . . . I feel like I’ve been sucker punched. I didn’t know . . . not that it’s an excuse. I didn’t think, and that’s half my problem most of the time.
I reach over, and she flinches ever so slightly.
It makes me feel like the worst person. Like I’d just hurt her.
I pull back my hand and decide to let her trust me again and seek me out if she wanted me.
“I’m really sorry I made you feel like that.
I’d never hurt you.” I mean it. She stares at me, and I hope she sees the truth.
“Just seeing those men . . .” I shake my head and my whole body tenses, but I should be honest with her like she has with me.
“Most people we deal with at the underground fights are shady criminals. There’s a decent person every now and again, but most of the time everyone’s out for the money.
People who are desperate to win do desperate things, and all I was thinking about was your safety.
” I get why the men in our MC have done violent things over the years for the women they care about.
“I don’t want to scare you, but being in the MC is who I am.
I’d do anything to keep you safe.” I let out a dark chuckle. “I mean anything.”
She presses her lips together, but I see her thinking it through.
“I’ve never had to change for anyone or try to be a better person for someone else, but I am trying and I hope you see that.
I’m far from perfect, and there will be times when I fuck up, but it’s because I get so stuck inside my head and wound up.
I’m not used to having to talk about it.
I just dwell on it and go exercise.” I shrug. “I’ve always been like that.”
She reaches over and puts her hand on mine, and her touch lifts the heavy weight from my shoulders.
“I know you’re not perfect, and neither am I.
If my ex hadn’t just scared me to death, I wouldn’t be this sensitive to your change in moods, but I really can’t help it. ” She sounds disappointed in herself.
I lean over and bring her into my arms, and she melts into me. Her body softens and loosens up.
“I’m going to do better,” I vow to her. I’m just not used to talking about my feelings and shit. It’s harder than it seems.
She snuggles into my chest. “Why were you so angry? Do you think they’ll hurt me?”
My jaw tightens. “I don’t trust anyone, and I was pissed off that I put you in that position.
I don’t want you to be involved in that world.
I was just hellbent on getting you back to the truck without them seeing you.
” I pause, the tension in my chest refusing to ease.
“I’ve got to talk to Reaper about it, because it didn’t sit well with me.
I’m not sure if the Russians being there was a coincidence or not.
But you have to realize . . .” I gulp hard and hesitate.
“I’m always going to be overprotective of the people I care about.
That’ll never change. If anyone were to ever hurt you”—I clench my fist—“I’d make them suffer, and I wouldn’t feel bad about it.
I can’t change who I am or the anger I feel overnight, but I can try to do better . . . for you.”
She gives me a warm smile. “I know that. I think we need to communicate to each other about how and why we’re feeling a certain way.
” She starts drawing on the top of my hand.
“There’s still a lot we don’t know about each other .
. . but I want to understand you, and I’d like for you to try and deal with your problems in a healthier way. ”
She’s not wrong there, and that’s why she’s perfect for me. She wants to help me with my demons, even considering I just scared her. I appreciate her kindness. She’s a catch, and I have no desire to let her go.
“I’m never going to be a guy who wears a suit and works a stable nine-to-five job. I’ll always be protective when it comes to the closest people in my life. I don’t mean to turn into a monster.”
“You’re not a monster,” she cuts in sharply.
It makes me smirk. I take her chin in my hand and gaze deep into those greenish-bluish eyes and say, “I can be, but never to you. When the people I care about are hurting”—I put my hand to my chest—“I feel their pain and I hurt too, but I turn that hurt into anger. I’m not proud of it, but it’s how I’ve always handled things. ”
She strokes my cheek, and I briefly close my eyes.
“I’ve liked you for who you are from the moment I met you.
I don’t expect you to be anyone else, but I want you to understand that I don’t mean for it to happen—it seems I get triggered when you’re angry or if there’s the threat of violence, and it’s a scary place for me to be in,” she says.
“I do understand why you feel like that,” I reply.
She tilts her head and frowns. “Have you always been that way? Has it stemmed from your dad? I remember you mentioning him cheating and leaving your family.”
Just at the mention of the man I feel the burn of anger. I chuckle, but it’s hollow. Maybe it’s my father’s face I see when I fight. “I can already feel myself getting worked up,” I say out loud. She wanted me to talk about it, so I’ll try.
Rose gives me a pointed look. “I can see that.”
She’s onto me. She reads me very well. I won’t be able to get away with anything with her. That’s not a bad thing, I guess. No one’s ever called me out on my shit before.
“Do you think,” she says softly, with a wince, “you hold a lot of anger toward him that you’ve never dealt with and you use fighting as an outlet instead of talking about and dealing with what happened?”
I flinch. Ouch, that was a little close to home.
She’s not trying to hurt me or be nasty; it’s as if she’s stating facts, but I hate the man.
“They say you’re supposed to let go and forgive, but I can never forgive a coward man who cheated on my mom and got some other woman pregnant and left us—his wife who stood by him and his two young sons—to go live with his new family. ” I’ll never forget and never forgive.