Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
Parker
T hea set a mug of hot tea in front of me, then sat in the chair across from me. Shane and Calder sat on either side of her, while Hendrix set beside me.
I glanced between each member of my family and suddenly felt like this entire trip had been a setup. Like this was an intervention, and I’d hit rock bottom. It made me squirm in my seat, an uncomfortable feeling swirling in my chest. Disappointment in myself, anger for losing the baby, and sadness for hurting Thea.
Everything settled in me, leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I’d been a dick the last two months. Not only to the guys, but to Thea, too. I needed to apologize for my behavior. The confrontation outside earlier proved that.
My heart hammered in my chest. I cleared my throat, running a hand through my hair. “I want to say that I’m sorry. I’ve been acting like a dick and it hasn’t been fair to anyone to deal with.”
“Yeah, man. You have been a huge prick,” Calder said, resting his elbows on the table. “Thea’s been through enough in her lifetime, let alone what we’ve been dealing with. She doesn’t need your bullshit drama queen reaction. We’re supposed to make her life easier, not more difficult.”
Thea reached for Calder, resting her hand on his forearm. She gave it a light, supportive squeeze, as if silencing him. “He’s apologizing, Calder. Let him.”
“His apology means dick when you’re the one suffering, Thea. There are ground rules we all agreed on. He broke them.”
I opened my mouth to defend myself, but then closed it just as fast. There was no defense. I’ve been a huge jackass, and I deserved Calder’s resentment.
“Mental health doesn’t count, Calder,” Thea said. She straightened herself, preparing for battle. “We were grieving and there aren’t any rules for that. Besides, it’s been seven years since we made them. We’ve all changed in that time.”
Calder gritted his teeth, the hard set of his jaw tightening. “Fine. Whatever. But let me make something clear for all of you.” He stood, making eye contact with each one of us, before he spoke again, eyes landing on me. “The way Parker spoke to Thea outside is unacceptable–”
“–You weren't even there, Calder,” Thea said, cutting Calder off mid-sentence.
He moved his glare to her. “You told me what was said. I didn’t have to be there. The one thing I’m not going to tolerate is someone being mean to you, vixen. And that includes everyone at this table.”
Thea sighed, massaging her brows. She was over this argument. She hated when we were fighting, and I could tell she wanted us to just go back to how things were. Except could they ever, really? Not when there was a hole in my chest that caused a horrible sharp pain every second of my waking hours. It was hollow and baby shaped.
We were supposed to be parents–all of us–and that was gone.
“Parker,” Hendrix said, his hand resting on my shoulder. “Talk to us, bud. What’s going on?”
I swallowed, trying to force away the pain inside of me now. “What’s going on is Thea and I fucked like rabbits the day before we lost the baby. The guilt eats away at me. And seeing you all act like everything is okay? It fucking hurts. Nothing is okay.”
“We have Paisley, Parker. I can’t just sit around and sulk. I have to move on the best I can. But I promise you, I’m hurting,” Thea said.
“This is what pisses me off. About all of you,” Calder said.
He was sitting again, his arm wrapped around Thea. He tugged her into his side. “We all lost the baby, yeah. But Thea and Paisley are here. And they need us. Do you think I want to be the only one that notices when they need us?
“It’s all been on me. I’ve been the one getting Paisley to school and all of her activities. I’m the one taking her to her friends’ for sleepovers. I’m also the one making dinner and making sure Thea has a shoulder to cry on. Where the fuck have you been, Parker? Sulking. Alone. You and Thea could have been comforting each other while I picked up the slack. But that was on me, too.”
“I’ve been here,” Shane whispered, his head dropped.
Calder snapped his gaze to him. “Yeah. You’ve been taking care of the shop, picking up my slack there. And you also were there in the first days. But Hendrix and Parker? They’ve been distant. It has to stop. We all need to do this together. Christ, do you know how heartbreaking it is to walk in on her crying? To be the only one she trusts to let it out with?”
Thea gasped, placing a hand over her mouth. Tears threatened to spill out. “Please, stop.”
“No,” Hendrix said. “We all need to let it all out. Parker’s not the only one.” His gaze was on Calder. “Why didn’t you tell us that she’s been crying?”
“Because she knew you were dealing with Parker and she didn’t want to burden you with it,” Shane said.
“You knew?” Hendrix asked.
Shane nodded. “Yeah, bro. I did. And I’ve been struggling too. Not able to physically be there for Thea because I needed to take care of the shop.”
Thea spoke next. “I know it's been a lot on you, Calder. But I really needed you. You’ve been there since we found out, and your taking control of everything helped me out so much. I felt like I was able to just shut everything off and I’m so grateful for that. I’m just so sorry you’ve been hurting, too. And I ignored it. That was really selfish of me.”
“I did what I had to, to bring you back, doll.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “We’re good now, and that is all I need from you.”
Silence filled the air between us. Awkward and damning.
Guilt, like I’d never carried before, weighed me down. I caused all of this. From the miscarriage to being distant and taking all of Hendrix’s attention. The ripple effect caused heartbreak through all of us. I had no clue how badly Calder was struggling to handle it all. He was holding his emotions in while taking care of Thea, and suddenly I was surprised he hadn’t lost his shit on me sooner.
I chuckled softly, at the thought.
“What’s so fucking funny?” Calder asked.
“Nothing.” I shook my head, sobering up. “Thea, I’m so sorry, baby. I am. I’m going to do better. Be present more. And Calder, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have put all the pressure on you by withdrawing. I’m back now and I’m ready to push through this, if you are.”
Calder’s jaw ticked, and he looked away, remaining silent.
“I have an idea,” Shane said.
Hendrix cocked his head to the side as he watched Shane.
“We need to have a memorial. For the baby. We never even named her. She should be named.”
My chest squeezed. I hadn’t realized we knew the sex of the baby, and knowing that now, I felt like utter garbage. I missed too much these past weeks.
Thea nodded. “Me and Calder named her. We just didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t know if it was something you guys wanted to do.”
“What’s her name?” I asked, the words strangled in my throat.
“Ahn Rose.”
“For my mom?” I asked, suddenly feeling pride in place of the nausea that had been churning inside me.
She nodded, reaching over the table to grab my hand.
“Thank you,” I whispered, my eyes trained on Calder.
He dipped his chin in acknowledgment. Then released my hand and turned to Calder. She cupped his face in her hands, and he dropped his head so their foreheads could touch.
“We’re back, honey,” Thea whispered. “All of us are back.”
He nodded against her, a sniffle escaping. And I knew he was forcing himself not to cry, not to let in the emotions. But they were winning, and tears fell down his face. I hadn’t seen Calder cry, ever. Not even after he woke up in a hospital bed after being shot when we were deployed. Not even after I told him we’d lost a teammate. This was a side of Calder no one ever saw, and he was exposing himself to vulnerability.
Thea wrapped her hands around his neck, holding him while tears fell into her shoulder.