Chapter 1.22 #2
“My love, I cannot tell you how much I regret my reaction. And I shall not even try to apologise. I do not deserve your forgiveness. I put myself at your mercy to decide what you wish me to do next, but you completely misunderstood my meaning. I do trust you, more than I have ever trusted anyone. I value your opinion, and I have the greatest confidence in your judgment. I know that you may lack experience, but you excel in good sense. You are everything and more than I ever dreamed of in a wife.”
“Is this your true opinion? Then why—?”
“Why did I lay the blame on you and my loyal servants? Because I am an arrogant fool with a horrible temper. I hurried to place blame on others when no one but me can be held responsible for what happened. I should have told Lady Catherine long ago that I did not intend to marry Anne. I should have insisted that she not entertain such a hope, but I did not. I was content simply to ignore her every time I was in her company. Your and Georgiana’s sufferings were due to my lack of judgement—not yours. ”
Her fingers toyed with his hair as her eyes expressed the mixture of feelings his words aroused in her.
Darcy knelt by her bed, properly humbled.
He silently enjoyed the pleasure her tender ministrations afforded him, allowing his own fingers to entwine in the heavy locks of her silky hair.
Smiling bitterly, he shook his head as he continued.
“The most hateful thing is that I really believed I was correct in my reproaches.
I impulsively and foolishly presumed that your kindness undermined your determination in handling the situation.
And I did not hesitate to accuse Mrs Hamilton and Miles of not being diligent enough to prevent the situation—two people who have never failed to comply with my wishes.
He paused a moment, breathing deeply, before an important confession.
“However, you must understand: it was not you I did not trust but any and everybody except myself. My selfish pride made me think that everything went wrong because of my absence. To my self-centred mind, it was one more proof that nobody could take care of a situation as well as I could. Your reaction was deservedly harsh, and properly directed. As Lady Ellen said: with a few words, you slapped me harder than anyone has ever done before.”
“Slapped you? I know my words were impertinent, especially considering we were in company, but I never thought they would be taken so harshly—”
“You were not impertinent. You reacted reasonably and fairly to my arrogant presumption and unjust criticism. You will rightly hate me when I tell you that, even when you closed the door behind you, I felt no regret for my words. All I thought was: She might be offended now, but this will be a useful lesson for her in the future. What do you think of me now? I would expect you to yell at me. I deserve nothing less.”
Elizabeth could not fully comprehend the meaning of his words as his statements seemed occasionally to contradict themselves.
He seemed determined to condemn himself.
He called himself selfish and foolish, and spoke scornfully of his ‘selfish pride.’ What she truly understood though—and dearly hoped she was correct—was that he trusted her more than he trusted any other woman.
It was reason enough for her spirits to rise, an open smile lightening her countenance as her eyes began to brighten with mirth.
“Thank you for offering me the opportunity to act in so unladylike a manner. But may I please scold you tomorrow? I am so tired that I can barely speak. Besides, I dare say there has been enough shouting for one day, and the staff already have been entertained amply by our antics.”
She could hardly restrain her laughter, but he remained grave.
“Elizabeth, I know what you are trying to do. Generously, you want to lighten my spirits, but I cannot reconcile myself so easily to my behaviour. Knowing that I have hurt you pains me most. I cannot tell you how I hated myself in the minutes after you left the library when I found how abominably you had been offended. The admiration for you of Mrs Hamilton and Miles only made me more ashamed, seeing how ridiculous all my pretensions of superiority have been. Your admirable rebuttal to Lady Catherine’s attack and your gentle care for Molly have raised you more in their esteem in one day than most women could have accomplished in years.
And you have been more considerate with them than I ever could have been because I do not possess either your generosity or your kindness.
I recognised my error and apologised to both of them, but how can I apologise to you?
Now, it is I who must ask whether your love will be enough for you to suffer marriage to a man like me. ”
His words left them both on the brink of tears.
His heart was breaking, thinking of all the pain he had caused her.
Her soul melted, burdened by his sadness.
Both needed release from their pain. And Elizabeth knew that nothing could bring them comfort and alleviate their sorrow better than their mutual trust in the strength of their love.
He had done nothing for which she could not forgive him.
“William…please, come closer to me. I want you to hold me—no apologies, no more discussion about this.”
He looked at her, afraid he might misunderstand her meaning.
“Please…” Slowly, without taking his eyes from hers, he lay on the bed beside her; she nestled her head on his chest, encircling his waist with her arm. He wrapped her tighter in his embrace, kissing her hair, afraid to believe she had forgiven him.
Darcy could not say how long their blissful peace lasted, as he did not want to think of anything but the undeserved happiness of being allowed to lie next to her. He could hear and feel their hearts beating together.
“Elizabeth, I cannot stop wondering how it is possible for two people to share a love that is so strong yet so different in nature.”
“Different? Why would you say that?”
“Because it is the truth. My love is as selfish and arrogant as I am. I demand so much from you and give you so little in return. I want nothing more than to be with you, and I care for few things except this. Your love is generous and kind. You give me not only your heart but so much more. Your affection and your presence in my house are a blessing not only for me but also for so many around me: my sister, Lady Ellen—who finally found someone to accept and enjoy—even for my staff. All of us have gained so much from you.”
“I must utterly contradict you. What I have constantly wondered in the last fortnight is how I have been so fortunate as to secure the love of such a remarkable man. It is I who have gained from our love and engagement. I am so deeply grateful for your affection and proud to know you will be my husband! You are truly the best man I have ever known—despite your selfish pride and your horrible temper!”
The last words were spoken in jest, trying to hide that she was fighting her emotions. His arms embraced her more closely as his lips placed tender kisses and whispers in her hair.
“Elizabeth, I shall use every moment of our life to make you proud of my love. I do hope I can offer you as much happiness as you have given me.”
“You need not worry about that. I am happier than I ever could have dreamed or hoped to be. I have always wished to marry a man I could deeply love, but until now, I never imagined what such a deep love would mean. And may I tell you what I think? That each of us has given the other what we most needed. We are not different; our love is not different. We are just completing each other in every sense.”
“So true, my love! You complete my being and my whole life. And do not think I speak in jest when I say that my love and happiness grow stronger each day.”
“I am happy I can make you happy, Mr Darcy.”
Her voice was grave with an inflection he did not hear often. She reached up to his face and kissed him tentatively, barely touching his dry lips. He did not make a single move, waiting for her to do as she pleased.
Slowly, she grew more daring, placing small kisses on his closed mouth, chin, and the line of his jaw; then, to his astonishment, she returned to his lips—still dry and closed—her tongue brushing slightly against them, passionately testing them until, moist and thirsty for her, his lips parted to welcome her warm tongue.
His deep moans made her tremble, and her kiss grew more demanding; it was the first time she initiated kissing him while he remained still, surrendering completely to her desire.
Her caresses became as daring as her kisses; her hands lowered from his face to his neck and then to his chest, every touch matching the rhythm of her lips.
With wonder, she discovered a new kind of power she possessed over him: the power of having him at her mercy and at the mercy of the pleasure she was offering him.
His groans at her touch only increased her desire to give him more. Barely conscious of what she was doing, she leaned closer until her body was lying atop his, pressing against his entire length. Only then did she feel him move beneath her, his hands gliding around her waist.
His lips were no longer passive, and the kiss quickly turned into a passionate dance, ending in complete harmony.
Every fibre of her body burned at the glory of his fingers stroking her, sliding the length of her bare arms up to her shoulders, her neck and down to her waist again; she did nothing to stop him, only abandoned herself to the growing pleasure his hands were giving her.