Chapter 2.14 #3
There was silence for some time, and Elizabeth tried to understand what had just happened. He continued to stroke her hair then took her hands to his lips.
“William…please tell me what is wrong,” she repeated. “We have made love so many times; I know you and I know myself so well that you cannot deceive me. Things are different. You are different, and I am pained that you do not trust me enough to tell me the truth.”
A deep silence fell and lasted for some time. He kissed her hands again then finally spoke.
“It is something that…” He was in obvious distress, struggling for words. “I am frightened. I cannot escape the tremendous fear that I might put you in danger. I cannot allow that. I will do everything in my power to keep you safe, even if it means that I must stay away from you.”
She raised her head to meet his eyes, completely astounded. “How could you put me in danger? And why would you need to keep me safe? William, I am totally lost…”
He lay back against the pillow, facing her for a few moments, then averted his eyes.
“I saw Maud that day…when she almost died. All that blood, that suffering, the child that I held…Doctor Harris said that could happen to any woman. That he had seen cases before and there was not much he could do. I finally understood that men are selfish—they never consider what their wives must go through to give birth to a child. I realised that, every time I indulge my passion for you, I put you in danger. I have thought of that every day and every night since then. If I risked my own life, I would not worry, but I cannot jeopardise yours. I will love you in any possible way that will not threaten your safety. I know there are ways to do that. I have always hoped to have children, but now I wonder…”
With each word, distress twisted his handsome features, and Elizabeth listened to him in complete disbelief. His struggle was obvious, and he caressed her hands while he continued his confession.
“Forgive me for worrying you. I tried to keep my thoughts private, but it seems I did a poor job of it. I only troubled you even more with my strange behaviour.”
Elizabeth gently cupped his face, and he turned his head to kiss her palm.
“My darling husband, please do not keep secrets from me. Just as you wish to protect me, I want the same. Your distress is also mine, and I cannot be happy or even content when you are not.”
“I know, my love—forgive me.”
He tenderly kissed her lips, stroking her hair.
She allowed herself to engage in the sweet, delightful comfort then withdrew a few inches.
“William, let us speak more of your fear. I confess that, as distressed as I was by Maud’s condition, I never considered that it might happen to me.
But I cannot deny the rightness of your concern.
However, my dear husband, we can only pray and hope that everything will be fine.
Thousands of women have children every day.
Some of them go through a terrible ordeal, but many others—most—do not. ”
“I love you more than my own life. You must know that I shall never take chances with you. I might sound unreasonable, but this is how I have been feeling for days.”
She did find him unreasonable, and she hoped it was only the result of everything they had faced in the last week. But her heart ached for his pain; it was his deepest love for her that made him think that way. She was certain it would all pass soon, so she only needed to be patient.
Elizabeth felt his eyes scrutinising her, and she knew he could read her thoughts again.
“Elizabeth, I know you must think that I am being silly. And I do know that most married people have children. But I also know that very few men love their wives as I love you. Every fibre of my body desires you and craves you, but every thought in my mind fears what might happen.”
She held his hands tightly and leant to kiss him. “I do not think you are silly, my dear sir. I feel proud and grateful for your love and passion. But…”
She paused and looked at him lovingly, wondering how it was possible that she had gained the complete love and devotion of such a man.
“Have you ever feared anything about yourself? I would say you have not.”
“Of course not, but that is different. Men are different; they are not delicate creatures. Men are those who carry out wars. It is their duty to protect their country and their families.”
He sounded quite solemn as if he were surprised that she could not understand something so obvious.
Elizabeth laughed with all her heart—and all her love.
“Very well, then let us speak of women—let us speak of me. If you were to worry about me, I should never ride: what if the horse threw me to the ground. We should never travel: what if we were to be attacked by villains. Would you like me to go on?” she inquired teasingly.
“You cannot protect me by locking me in a cage of fear. I shall be well and safe and protected as long as I have you. You cannot cage our love and passion for each other, and we should await our children with eagerness and joy, not fear.”
She looked into his eyes, determined but tearful, struggling to find the best way to convince him. She could see that he had not changed his mind. There was still worry on his countenance. But he forced a smile and kissed her hands again.
“Very well, my dear. Let us sleep now. We will talk more tomorrow and in the next days.”
She decided not to push the argument any further and only glided into his arms. She was relieved to discover the reason for his changed behaviour.
Yes, his distress, his worry was indeed something grave, and it troubled her too.
But she knew he had no true reason for it.
She only had to give him time to overcome his own restraints.
After some time of peaceful silence, Elizabeth released a small laugh.
“My mother has five children. My aunt Gardiner has four. Does either of them appear harmed in any way? Would you say that giving birth to their children affected their health?” Elizabeth inquired teasingly, attempting to dissipate the tension.
He breathed deeply and replied cautiously. “Only your mother’s nerves.
Elizabeth burst out in laughter until he silenced her with a deep passionate kiss that—to her disappointment—stopped too soon. She continued to caress him, but he decidedly held her hands and kissed them briefly.
“We must absolutely sleep now, my dearest Mrs Darcy.”
It was her duty as a wife to obey—at least for the time being.