27. Liam
twenty-seven
Liam
I flip Beau onto his back and drag him under me so our bodies line up. He’s no longer playfully fighting back, and immediately, I know something’s wrong. He appears to be in a daze, not quite present with me.
“Beau?” I smooth a hand along the side of his face.
When his eyes slip back into his head and his body starts to jerk, dread slams into me like a tidal wave.
“Stas,” I call out. “Anastasia!”
I support his head, trying to keep it from smacking against the floor while his body convulses like an electrical current is surging through him. How do I make it stop? How do I fix this?
What the fuck have I done?
Internally, I’m a wreck before Stasi even kneels down beside us. I remove my hand and back away from him.
“He’s having a seizure. Help me get him on his side,” Stasi says.
My brows furrow. I will my hands to touch him again, but they don’t respond. As I stare down at Beau’s spasming body, all I can think about is how I walked in on my dad’s corpse in that same position, foam clinging to his mouth and skin drained of color.
“Liam.” Stasi’s tone is surprisingly firm, snapping me out of a memory I thought I’d purged long ago .
I drop to my knees and help ease Beau onto his side. Stasi holds his head this time. He doesn’t appear to be conscious as she runs her fingers through his hair.
Each passing second feels like an hour at this point. This can’t be normal, right? I have to imagine Stasi would be freaking out, too, if this wasn’t something she was trained to deal with.
“Can you call for an ambulance?” she asks.
I dig out my phone and dial 9-1-1. Soon, I’m rattling off details to the emergency responder, but the words feel all wrong. Almost like lies.
Can you tell me what happened?
I was climbing the fence in our yard and fell.
Told the little shit not to do that, but he doesn’t like to listen.
I shut my eyes to force out the vision of my dad hovering over my hospital bed, spewing lies about my broken fingers.
“We have an ambulance on the way. Stay on the line with me. Make sure his airway is clear, and he’s not at risk of hurting himself.”
I register the words. However, I’m frozen to the spot. No amount of internal commands will get my body to move. To gather Beau into my arms and assure him that I’ve got him.
“How long has the seizure been going on?” the responder asks.
“I don’t know.”
I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. I didn’t when I found my dad dead, and I don’t now.
So, I continue to watch Beau suffer, his hands clenching and limbs jerking while the responder asks for updates I can’t give because I’m not sure I exist in my body anymore.
Fear sinks its claws deep into my ribs and cleaves me open. I don’t want to lose him. I never wanted to lose him.
What if he doesn’t come back to me ?
Beau’s muscles finally relax, and his eyelids droop closed. He groans as he tries to lift his head off Stasi's lap. It drops back onto her thighs like it’s too heavy for his neck. A simple command minutes ago that’s now an impossible feat.
“…messed everything up,” he slurs, fighting to push himself upright once more.
My lungs constrict to the point of suffocation. I did mess everything up.
“I’m so sorry, Beau,” I murmur.
He blinks his eyes open, seeking me out in the dark, empty room. His lips part but words stick in his mouth, held there by a fog of confusion he’s fighting to shake.
I don’t move closer. I’m terrified I’ll hurt him more. I’m not built for this shit.
“This is not your fault, Liam,” Stasi says in a firm tone. “You were both playing.”
My face contorts into a grimace. Fear is everywhere now. Reflected back at me from two pairs of worried eyes. Almost like they’ve been bracing for when I decided I couldn’t do this anymore. Like they’ve been waiting for me to break them.
Beau’s words circulate in my head. Have you ever tried?
Fuck . I’m trying, Beau. I’m here. I’m here, but I’m no good for you.
The doorbell rings. I have enough of a mind to rush over to open it. Paramedics flood in with a stretcher. I hang up with the dispatcher, realizing I haven’t been responding to her.
I stand in the entry hall, unable to do more than exist in a cloud of self-disgust.
When they haul Beau past me, I avoid meeting anyone’s eyes.
Shouldn’t they be questioning me about his injuries?
That’s what happened the first time the police showed up at my house and discovered me standing over my dad’s corpse.
They’d ushered me out onto the porch and wrapped a blanket around me until the shock wore off and I could speak.
It was the first time I’d come clean about the abuse.
I thought it was the worst moment of my life.
But this…this right here is so much worse.
A soft hand touches my arm, drawing my gaze down to a pair of watery brown eyes. Something twists inside my chest. Stasi was perfectly collected during Beau’s seizure, but now I can see her calm start to unravel, slipping out from where I imagine she compartmentalizes things at work.
“Will you talk to me?” she whispers.
Jaw clenching, I take a step away from her. “You should go with him.”
She doesn’t budge. I don’t want to argue with her over this, but the idea of climbing into the ambulance has me wanting to claw my skin off.
I curl my hands into fists, digging my nails into my palms.
What if I damaged him beyond repair?
Stasi moves into my space, determination on her face. She embraces me, squeezing me tight around the waist and placing her ear against my rapidly beating heart.
Caving to her touch, I burrow my face into her neck and let her hold me until I feel somewhat calmer.
“I’ll follow in my car,” I say quietly.
“Promise?”
I draw away from her. “Text me the hospital if I lose you.”
She assesses me with a frown before kissing my cheek and hurrying out the front door .
I brace my weight against the wall, practicing deep breaths. I’m ashamed of how long I stand there with my car keys in my hand, debating locking the doors and staying put.
Ashamed I almost let fear win out like it always does.