29. Stasi
twenty-nine
Stasi
I ’ve worked in the medical field long enough to know that it can be an arduous wait for answers. Answers you sometimes don’t receive.
This is the first time I’ve been on the other end of a medical situation, and the anxiety and stress of not knowing what caused Beau’s seizure is inching me closer to the line of meltdown territory.
How could he honestly believe we’re going to be able to sleep tonight?
Silently, I step into the elevator behind Liam. His plummeting mood seeps out of him like some dark, physical entity. A monstrous shadow looming over us in the cramped space once the doors close.
I respect Beau’s choice to kick us out, but I also don’t want to leave him alone. Will the staff check on him enough? Is this the first time he’s had a seizure? Could it be epilepsy? What if there’s an underlying issue they’re not testing for? A history they need to be aware of?
I feel like I barely know him.
And yet, I’ve slept in his arms. I’ve enjoyed brunches and late night cookouts with him.
I’ve watched him create music in the studio.
I’ve covered him in mud and danced with him in the rain and snuggled with him on the couch while we watched football—a sport he doesn’t fully get, but he tries for me.
In the span of a hot Texas summer, I’ve built a connection with him unique to anyone I’d ever known .
My bond with Liam took years to form. It was confusing and lonely and often felt hopeless. With Beau, it’s been a whirlwind of butterflies and laughter and shared affection from the very start.
Both men have brought me such happiness these past months. If only I could lift their spirits in return. If only I could be their rock, capable of weathering storms.
But I don’t know that I’m strong enough to be that person when I can’t even stand up for my twin brother.
I’m too lost in my head to notice the elevator doors dinging open.
“Stas.” Liam’s stern voice snaps me to attention.
He’s several strides down the main hall already. I rush to catch up to him as he walks out the automatic front doors.
I hadn’t checked the time in Beau’s room, but the sky has turned a dusky blue, and crickets chirp from the manicured bushes, oblivious to the fact that their season is over. If you can even say Texas has seasons.
“I’ll give you a ride back to your car,” Liam mutters, cutting toward his Pantera parked under a streetlight.
I watch him walk away without sparing a glance back. He hasn’t looked at me since he got here. It’s like he’s already rebuilt his walls, no footholds or weak points detectable this time.
My heart begins to crack. Pain slithers along the fracture lines, threatening to split me into jagged pieces right here on the sidewalk of a busy hospital. I doubt even the best surgeon could put me back together.
This is the end of all good things, isn’t it?
This isn’t how Liam’s birthday should have gone.
Forcing my legs to move, I shove down every sick feeling churning in my gut and hurry after him .
The silence in his car is deafening. Forget the fact that I couldn’t form sentences without bawling right now. I don’t think anything I say will reach him. He just wants to stubbornly drown in his guilt.
I reflect on our conversation at my apartment the first night he came to me. How he’s clinging to the past, convinced his existence revolves around causing pain, all thanks to a horrible man who had no right parenting him.
Our time together should be proof that he’s capable of loving not just one person but two .
Actually, fuck that. Liam Beckner takes care of everyone .
Why can’t he let us take care of him for once?
When Liam pulls into the garage, he’s quick to get out. He opens the passenger side door for me, but he makes no attempt to touch me. With his head held low, he tucks his hands in his pockets.
He looks small. Fragile . More like the boy who would climb through my bedroom window late at night.
Would he push me away if I tried to hug him? I wish I had an instruction manual for his moods.
Tears sting my eyes. Before they can spill, I break for my car and lock myself inside. I’m breathing heavily as I struggle to jam the key into the ignition with blurry vision.
“Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry,” I chant.
By the time I get my stupid old car started and look up, Liam’s garage door is closed, and he’s nowhere in sight.
It’s okay. Everything will be okay. He’s not going to let this separate us.
But I can’t say that with confidence. Liam has a history of pushing people away. He’s done it once before with Beau .
It hurts to think we’ve come this far, and he might succumb to the twisted belief that he doesn’t deserve to be loved in return. That he’s somehow bad. Wired wrong on the inside.
With shaking hands, I call my twin.
“Hey, sis. What’s up?”
An accented voice speaks softly in the background, and I instantly regret calling. I have to remember that his boyfriend is living with him now. Hail can’t be at my beck and call when I get like this.
“Stasi? Did you butt call me?”
Eyes squeezed shut, I tap my forehead on the steering wheel. “No. I’m here.”
“Why do you sound like that?”
Of course, my twin knows something's off. I shouldn’t have called him. With Z fully back in his life, I don’t want anything to pop his bubble of happiness. He worked so hard for it.
It’s just… I don’t have anyone else to comfort me right now.
I want my twin.
“Are you home?” I ask.
“Shit. What’s going on, sis?”
I push out a shaky breath as tears continue to fall. “I don’t know, Hail.”
It’s partially the truth. I don’t know what’s wrong with Beau, and I don’t know what kind of storm is raging in Liam’s head right now. I don’t know what the future holds for us. Everything feels like it’s coming apart at the seams.
“Hurry up and get over here,” Hail replies.
After crying in my car until my head pounds with its own heartbeat, I drive to my brother’s house.
I’m torn between feeling like I’m interrupting and also a little curious to get to know the man who wrapped my brother around his finger. Ever since the pool party, I’ve done my best to give them space to put down roots.
More like, I’ve had enough going on juggling two men that I haven’t had time to bug my brother.
Hail flings open the front door as I raise a finger to the doorbell. One look at my puffy red face, and he’s yanking me into a crushing hug.
I nuzzle my face against his worn shirt. “Missed you.”
We break apart as Z pads toward us from the dark hallway. He’s dressed down in joggers and a t-shirt that shows off his long, pale arms. He’s arguably the prettiest man I’ve ever seen with his inky curls and crystal blue eyes.
Don’t get me started on his voice. It was wild to piece together his quiet, unsure personality with his incredible, deep vibrato.
“Hello,” he greets in that shy, accented voice.
“Hi, Z. Sorry for intruding like this.” I try for a self-deprecating smile.
“No apology needed. You’re always welcome here.”
Hail tugs me inside and shuts the door, plunging us into darkness. “We were too tired to get freaky, anyway.”
I scrunch up my nose as I toe off my shoes beside the door. “That’s information I didn’t need in my brain.”
“Yes. Please stop traumatizing your sister.”
With my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I catch the disapproving look Z gives Hail. It quickly turns into something tender. My brother stares back like he doesn’t believe Z is real. Like he hung the very moon in the sky .
God, they’re cute.
My parents assume their relationship is some young-life crisis hitting my brother or a middle fingers up response to their strict beliefs, but it’s easy to see they love each other.
Hail found his human.
While Z drifts off in the house, Hail guides me to the couch. “Alright. Spill.”
I wrap my arms around a throw pillow and rest my chin on the top of it. “It’s just…been a long night. I might be overreacting.”
As much as I want to delve into what happened, mentioning Beau’s seizure would bring up questions on what I was doing in Liam’s house. I know my twin would be the last person to ever judge me, but I’m not sure I’m ready to disclose everything that’s happened between us.
Because what if it’s all over?
“Is it mom and dad?” Hail asks.
“No. It’s…relationship related?”
My brother’s amber eyes grow wide. “Wait… are you dating Beau Whitaker? You guys were pretty damn flirty at the pool party.”
“Sort of. Yeah.”
I’m also sort of seeing your best friend. You know, the one who never dates…
Hail frowns. “Did he do something to hurt you?”
“No. No. It’s not like that.”
Hail rubs at the back of his neck as he processes this information. “Wow. Okay. A musician, huh?”
I wince, and Hail leans over to ruffle my hair. “Hey, I get it. Shit can be real fucking hard, but it’s worth it. ”
God, I’m glad I cried out everything in my car or I’d be in tears again. The last thing my brother and his boyfriend need is to deal with a complete meltdown from me.
“Well, I’ll listen if you want to talk. Or if you just want to hang with us tonight, that’s cool, too.”
I squeeze the pillow tighter. “You really won’t mind if I crash for a while?”
“Z and I both want you here. He’s just as worried about you.”
I sigh. “He’s something, isn't he?”
“Yeah,” Hail agrees dreamily. “I’m kinda obsessed.”
I chew on my lip as I dredge up the things I should have told him almost a year ago. “Hail, I’m sorry I didn’t stick up for you at Thanksgiving.”
“Hey. It’s not your responsibility to protect me, sis. Anyway, you’re built sweeter like Z.”
“That doesn’t mean I should let mom and dad treat you like that.”
“They’re bigoted, narcissistic assholes.” Hail shrugs. “I may have made things worse by calling them out for not showing up to any of your graduations.”
I purse my lips. “They kind of suck, don’t they?”
“Real hard.”
The bedroom door in the short hallway off the living room opens, and Z walks out with his bangs tied up, revealing the full extent of his stunning features.
Hail leans closer to me and whispers, “Gonna ask him to marry me."
I hide my smile in the pillow. If that’s true, I’ll need to start thinking about wedding details. Hail’s organization skills stress me out in that they’re practically nonexistent. And I know for a fact my parents won’t be willing to help .
“Everything alright?” Z asks, his concerned gaze falling on me.
I nod. “All good.”
The rest of my emotional baggage can wait for later.
“So what movie do we wanna watch?” Hail pops up from the couch to rummage through the kitchen cabinets.
Readjusting on the couch, I watch him pull out a collection of junk food—boxes of every variety of M&M’s, popcorn, pretzels, and Cheetos.
“Does he ever eat anything other than carbs and sugar?” Z questions, positioning himself on the couch next to me so our knees touch.
“Hey, nothing else would keep in the house while I was on tour,” Hail complains.
I snicker as he wanders back over to the couch and drops down on my other side. When he holds the bowl out to me, I pluck a Cheeto and pop it into my mouth. “Can this be considered dinner?”
“We’re grown adults, right?” Hail throws a piece of popcorn into the air and catches it in his mouth, making me giggle.
“Can we watch the one with the proper soundtrack again?” Z asks.
Hail starts up a movie, no further convincing needed. I spend the evening squished between them, blanketed in comfort, and provided snacks and drinks whenever they saw fit.
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. All I know is I’m going to do my best to be strong for both of the men holding my heart.