Chapter 1 #8
You know what. I can see myself in that. Should I buy it for someone else or for me? No. Focus, Lorenzo. You're here for a gift. Not for your own... character development.
Nah. Who cares? I'll take two.
I walk further in and stop dead in front of a whole wall of dildos. Cristo santo. We've got the entire rainbow here. Long, short, fat, skinny, neon, pastel. This wall has more personality than half the people I've met. Now I have a problem.
How the fuck am I supposed to pick one? They all deserve love. Look at them. All lined up. Ready to serve. My children. I feel someone bump my shoulder. I turn.
"Jin?? What the fuck are you doing here, little guy?"
He shrugs. "Same thing you're doing."
He looks around casually at the wall of dicks. "Who did you get?" I ask him.
"Not telling you, gossip gremlin."
"Fine. I'm not telling you mine either."
"Didn't ask," he says. Little shit. We're now in aisle three of this gloriously perverted wonderland together. I swear we've touched everything. Everything.
"Is this a... horse tail?" I ask. Jin's face goes blank. "Why does it jiggle like that?"
I shrug. "Enhances the realism, probably." I swing it around like a whip and almost hit a wall of vibrating eggs.
We both flinch. Whoops.
Jin picks up a black leather harness with silver buckles and a fuckton of straps going everywhere. "You know this would actually look good on you," he says, deadpan.
I snort. "You tryna fuck me or dress me?"
He tosses it at me. "Both."
I hold it up to my chest. "I could rock this." We keep walking. He picks up something with bunny ears. "Is this a vibrator?" I press the button. It starts buzzing violently in my hand. I drop it. We both shriek.
"That thing has more energy than me after six espressos," Jin mutters. I look him dead in the eyes. "Want me to try it on you?" "No?"
"Too late. Sit down."
He shoves me. I pick up this long-ass, glow-in-the-dark dildo. "I dare you to take this one home."
He raises an eyebrow. "Only if you help me test it."
I pretend to think. "Fine. But I go first. You need to know what you're in for."
"Why are we like this?" he whispers.
"Because our parents didn't hug us enough?
" We burst into laughter again. Then we turn to the poor, unsuspecting man behind the counter.
He's like forty. I march over, holding a huge sparkly dildo.
"Quick question," I say, dead serious. "Do you think this is good for a friend who's into. .. you know... rougher stuff?"
The guy raises an eyebrow. "How rough are we talking?" Jin leans on the counter. "Hair-pulling, name-calling, gets offended if you don't slap him kind of rough."
The guy nods. "Okay. So not beginner level."
"No, no," I say. "He broke a headboard once."
"Got it." He walks us over to another shelf. "This one's got more girth, but less flexibility," he says, holding something massive. Jin tilts his head. "Define girth."
He whips out a measuring tape. I SWEAR TO GOD.
We all gather around like it's a family heirloom. "That's... a lot," I whisper. "That's a commitment."
The guy nods. "This one's called the Destroyer." Jin claps. "I love that. Sounds like a Viking."
I'm wheezing. Eventually, I spot it.
The one.
It's even more shiny. And big. Hot pink. And glossy. "Wrap it," I say. "I'm buying that majestic bastard." At the register, I pull out my wallet, still giggling under my breath.
The guy squints at me. "Wait a minute... aren't you Siena's son?"
Fuck.
"Uhhhh," I say, gripping the counter. "Siena...?"
"Siena Fontana. Red hair?"
"Ohhh no, no. Different Siena. Not my mom. Never met her. Hope she's well."
He stares at me for a second longer. I stare back.
Pink monster dildo being scanned. He finally shrugs. "My bad."
I grin. "All good."
I grab my sparkly shame and head for the exit. "Have a sinful day!" he calls after me.
That was my mom.
Gio
Fuck this cold. I'm gonna die. I've got an actual list on my phone with "gift ideas that match this problematic human being," but honestly, I think I should just go with my first instinct.
Tequila.
But not just tequila. It needs something. A twist. A bit more... personality. Something that screams them. Whatever. I'll get the tequila first and figure it out later. How bad can it be?
I walk into the supermarket and head straight to the alcohol aisle like I'm some drunk uncle on Christmas. Probably shouldn't look this happy walking toward the liquor, now that I think about it.
They're gonna assume I have a drinking problem. Which... fair. I don't exactly look like a choir boy. Anyway. I grab the bottle and head to the register.
"ID, please."
...What the fuck. I laugh awkwardly. "Come on. I've been an adult for like a decade, ma'am."
"A boy said the same thing last week and he turned out to be seventeen," she says. "It's the rule, sir."
I just stare at her. "So you think I look seventeen?" I ask, laughing because it's kinda funny.
"Sir. ID. I'm not in the mood for jokes."
Fuck you. That's what I get for being nice.
I start digging through my phone for a photo of my ID. She's watching me, pissed.
"What?" I snap. "I don't carry it on me. I didn't expect to get mistaken for a minor today." I find the picture and shove it at her. Front. Back. Right in her face.
"Anything else?" she asks.
"No," I mutter, grab the bag and walk out. Now I have to find a... what? A shop that sells glitter?! Where the fuck do you even buy that? I'm cooked.
I'm walking in circles around the shops, freezing my ass off. I finally see this violently pink little store at the end of the street. Like... aggressively pink.
I stop in front of the window and instantly feel people staring at me.
What?? What's the problem now??
I could be a dad trying to buy something cute for his little girl. Why is everyone so fucking judgmental all the time, relax.
I go inside and head straight for the counter. "Hi... uh, do you maybe have those... tiny shiny things... that are like... stickers?"
The girl behind the register looks confused. "Do you mean rhinestones?" she asks.
"I... don't know. Do I?" I say. "Can I see them?"
"Yes, one moment, I'll be right back."
Great. I'm embarrassing myself in public for glitter. She comes back holding these plastic sheets in her hands.
"Like these?" she says.
"YES. Yeah. That. Those. Rhinestones. Exactly."
"Okay," she smiles. "What colors?"
"I want a lot of the silver ones. And a few of those blue ones. How much is it?"
"Five euros for all of them."
"Perfect. Take ten. Merry Christmas." I hand her the money, grab my sparkly supplies, and get out of there. Now the issue is... how the hell am I supposed to stick all of these to the bottle?
I'm not doing it out here in the dead cold like a psychopath, so I'll go sit in some warm café and bedazzle the shit out of this tequila.
I'm insane.
Valentina
I feel so lost... I have no idea where anything is and my map decided to die right NOW of all times! I wonder if people here are friendly.
If I tell them I'm pregnant, will they help me or just stare? Before I can overthink it, I walk up to a girl on the street.
"Hey! Sorry to bother you... do you know if there's a pet shop around here somewhere? I'm desperate, girl."
She laughs, which is a good sign. "Actually, you're super lucky, there's one really close. Two streets down. It's a big green building with lots of green lights outside—you'll recognize it instantly!"
"Perfect, you literally saved my life. Thank you!"
I start walking down the street, smiling like crazy to myself, because I honestly think my idea is genius. And it's definitely gonna cause chaos-laughter. Which is the goal.
I turn the corner and yeah, this has to be it. It is very green. I walk in, rubbing my hands together to warm them up. The whole place is full of aquariums with tiny little fish everywhere.
I'm gonna die.
They're so tiny and stupidly cute I want all of them. OH MY GOD. They even have a seahorse. I've never seen a seahorse in real life before. I might cry.
"Hi! How can I help you?" a girl around my age asks from behind the counter.
"Hi! Ummm, I wanted to ask if you sell hamsters... or like, small pets in general..."
"Of course! They actually just had babies recently so we're full of little ones. You'll have plenty of options."
"Fantastic!" I follow her down the aisle and she stops in front of two enclosures full of microscopic hamsters in every color. I slap my hand over my mouth. "Awwww, my babies!! They're so tiny! Do they even know they exist??"
The girl laughs. "Honestly, I wonder that sometimes too."
"I mean, do they have thoughts? They're so cute," I mumble, studying them.
Now I have to pick one. Okay.
Which one looks the most lost... the most in need of a chaotic dad? I spot this tiny one holding a piece of food, eating it suuuper slowly. "That one. I want that one. In the corner."
"Perfect!" she says. "You can take it out yourself if you want."
"Seriously??" I ask, with wide eyes.
"Yeah, of course! If you're not scared." I turn back to the tank, stupidly happy. I slide my hand in really slowly and scoop it up just as slowly.
My baby doesn't even flinch.
Just keeps eating like nothing's happening. I'm actually going to start crying over a hamster. "Here, put it in here. Perfect!" she says, holding out a little carrier. I place it inside and then she lets me hold the whole cage.
At the register, she tells me about the food and bedding and all the other things I need. Thankfully I don't have to remember anything myself.
"Thank you so much! Happy holidays!!" I walk out of the pet shop in peak good spirits.
"You're getting a new home, you tiny little ball!" I whisper at the box.
16) Christmas Trip Pt. 5
Gio
It's 9:00 PM. We all bought our gifts earlier, we ate, and now we're wrapping our shit in different corners.