Chapter 15
Ramsey~
A fter taking Emerson in the kitchen last night, I’d ended up dragging her into the shower with me, and after taking her in there for the third time in one night, she had informed me that she was done for the night, and that if I wasn’t ready to go to sleep, then I could go to my office and get drunk until I passed out, but that she’d been done with me for the night.
I’d woken up this morning with a bitch of a hangover.
I’d also woken up to Emerson telling me that she was having brunch with the girls, and that I could fuck off if I didn’t like it.
Yeah, good times.
So, since she had obviously called the girls for some sort of quasi-intervention, I’d had the privilege of answering the door a few minutes ago to a grinning Liam, stoic-looking Deke, and a tired-looking Ace, and now we were all sitting on the deck in the backyard. Luckily, Ace had been considerate enough to grab some lunch before heading over, and my hungover ass really appreciated it.
“I thought you and Ava weren’t due to come back until this afternoon,” Liam remarked before adding, “This really feels weird without alcohol.”
“We were,” Ace answered. “But when Delaney texted Ava that the girls were all getting together for brunch because Ramsey was being a dick, Ava barely gave me time to get dressed before insisting that we come back early.” Ace glanced over at me. “You guys sure do know how to fuck up at the most inconvenient times.”
“I didn’t fuck up,” I lied.
“Uh, an impromptu brunch at my house says otherwise,” Deke snorted.
“Yeah, Roselyn was ready to leave me behind in Sands Cove this morning when she got the call from Emerson,” Liam added. “So, hate to break it to you, but sounds like you did.”
“To quote Crew when we dropped off the babies with him and Athena this morning, ‘What did Uncle Ramsey do this time?’,” Deke drawled out.
“Okay, I’ve been on vacation, so can anyone fill me in on what the hell is going on?” Ace asked before adding, “And Liam’s right. This feels weird as fuck without alcohol.”
Ignoring their complaints about no alcohol, I recapped everything from when I’d first spotted Cossacks getting cozy with Emerson in her office to dragging her out of the charity event last night. Though I’d left out the intimate details, the guys knew me well enough to know that our ‘talk’ in the restroom had been more than a talk, and so had the ‘talk’ in the kitchen.
“I don’t get it,” Ace said. “Why not just call Maddox to ruin this guy’s life?”
“Because Emerson would skin me alive if she ever found out that I dragged Ram or Maddox into our drama,” I answered. “Trust me when I tell you that my wife loves her sons way more than she loves her husband.”
“I think that’s safe to say about all of them,” Deke drawled out.
“Speak for yourself,” Ace huffed. “Ava adores me.”
“Oh, she does, does she?” Liam deadpanned.
“This is where I’d like to point out that I never fucked up like the rest of you,” Ace retorted. “I’ve got a clean criminal record.”
“That one time when you lost Maggie doesn’t count?” Deke asked, eyeing him.
“I didn’t lose Maggie,” Ace lied. “I just…didn’t know immediately where she was at the time.” He shook his head as he waved the question away. “Besides, I knew that she was in the house, just not where exactly.”
Liam chuckled before asking, “So, what’s the plan? Not for nothing, but it’s never good for anyone whenever you and Em are on the outs. If you don’t figure this shit out soon, the kids are liable to take matters into their own hands. Never mind R.J. and Maddox, but no one needs Crew or Lennon stopping by the CPS offices to introduce themselves.”
“Dude, quit making my children sound like their vicious drug cartel leaders or something,” Deke told him. “They’re not that bad.”
We all shot him a look.
“Fine,” he relented. “You guys can have Lennon, but Crew’s not that bad.”
“Have you even met your children?” Liam snorted.
Deke flipped him off.
Ending the discussion on Deke’s children’s state of minds, I said, “Look, I’ve already commissioned a background check on Cossacks, so he’s not really a problem. He’ll be dealt with soon enough, and if his check comes back clean, then I’ll just dig further. While Emerson might end up mad as hell for me about it, I’ll still recruit Mad if I have no other choice.”
“Okay, so then Emerson is the issue,” Ace surmised.
“She really thinks that I’m not happy or trust her,” I replied.
“Well, we all know that you trust her, but is she right about you not being happy?” Deke asked.
I looked at one of my oldest friends in the world. “When have I ever been happy?” I glanced at each man sitting at the table with me. “When have any of you ever known me to be happy?” I leaned back in my seat as I let out a deep breath. “I’m not sure if I even know what that feeling is. I can’t even remember feeling happy as a small child.”
“What about when you married Em? Or when she gave you Ram and Mad?” Liam asked.
“When Emerson finally married me, I felt relief,” I answered honestly. “When she gave me the boys, I felt more possessive over her than I’d ever had before. I stared at her holding Ram, and all I could think about was how I had to make sure to protect them at all costs. It was the same when she gave me Mad. When I look at my family, I don’t feel happy like you’d think. When I look at my family, I always feel like I’m on guard. I feel like a momma bear around her cubs, appreciating the miracle of them, but never really ever being able to relax around them.” I shook my head tiredly. “I’d lose my goddamn mind if anything ever happened to any of them, and that’s mostly what I think and feel when I’m around them.”
“That sounds exhausting,” Ace remarked. “I mean, I feel the same whenever I think of Ava and the girls, but I’m also able to be happy around them.”
“Like you said, that’s because you never fucked up as badly as I did,” I pointed out.
“Deke and Liam fucked up just as badly as you did,” Ace countered. “But they’re still able to be happy.”
“Hey, my fuck-up wasn’t as bad as Deke’s and Ramsey’s,” Liam argued. “But…I get your point.”
“While that’s true, there’s a big difference between their marriages and mine,” I replied. “Delaney and Roselyn aren’t Emerson. Delaney’s the sweetest person on earth, so Deke’s able to soothe her feathers easier, and Roselyn will always choose forgiving Liam over breaking up her family because she’d never do that to her sons. Even Ava’s willing to put up with your shit because she’s at peace in her life now.” I looked between each man. “Emerson might love me like she’s never loved anyone else before, but what Emerson doesn’t do? She doesn’t love me more than she loves herself. Emerson has seen up close and personal what can happen when you love another person more than you love yourself, and it ended up costing her mother her life. So, unlike your wives, my wife will try to leave me if she ever feels cornered, and she’d have Ram and Maddox’s full support if I ended up fucking things up.”
“You’re scared,” Liam stated seriously.
“Fuck yeah, I am,” I replied honestly. “I believe in Heaven and Hell, but the only thing that scares me and has ever scared me is Emerson trying to leave me.”
Deke cocked his head. “But you also know that you’d never let that happen, so that’s not the real problem.”
“That’s why I said that she’d try,” I told him. “Not that I’d ever let her.”
“Okay, so is this just a fight?” Ace asked. “Or is this more serious than when you guys usually bump heads?”
“I don’t know,” I said before letting out another deep breath. “I don’t know, and that’s why I was deep in a bottle of scotch last night and hung-the-fuck-over this morning. We said a lot of shit last night, and she can’t see why I can’t get past what I did to her that morning, and I can’t see how she was able to. I mean, how in the fuck is that even possible?”
“Okay, hear me out,” Liam said. “Maybe it’s possible because Emerson has seen worse. Yeah, what you did to her back in high school had been…it was bad. Still, you’re talking about a female whose father began beating her at a very young age, Ramsey. Emerson saw and heard her father do horrific things to her mother in that small trailer of theirs, so…well, it’s very possible that what’s unforgiveable to you is just run-of-the-mill bullshit for Emerson, and that’s why she’s been able to move on from it.”
“He’s got a very good point, Ram,” Deke tacked on.
“That still doesn’t make what I did forgivable,” I said, though his words had re-wired my mind a bit.
“True,” Liam agreed. “But maybe it’ll help you remember just how strong your wife really is.”
Her father had started beating her at the age of six, so I knew exactly how strong she really was.