Rancher’s Return

Chapter Nine

S he had been delivering meals to Buck once a week for the past two weeks. Every time she saw him, it got less jarring in one sense and more complicated in another. Because he was gorgeous. And it wasn’t a simple impersonal observation. It was something she felt. Every time she passed the bags of food from her hands to his, every time she was near him. He was becoming more and more himself to her.

Buck as he was now, and not the version of him she had yelled at in the streets, or even the version she had philosophically forgiven in his absence all those years earlier.

They also had conversations that filled in the gaps of the last twenty years.

Tonight, she was intent on dropping the food and leaving. Quickly.

But as soon as she showed up, so did her daughter’s car, which was carrying not only her and Colton, but Marcus and Reggie as well.

Marcus and Reggie tumbled out of the back seat while Lily rolled the window down.

“Can we go to the movies?” Reggie asked.

“All of you?” Buck asked.

“Yes. Colton and Lily said we could come.”

“Are they buying you a ticket for an R-rated movie?”

“Buck,” Reggie said. “My life is an R-rated movie, man.”

“That didn’t answer my question.”

“They’re going to a cartoon,” Colton shouted.

“We are not,” said Marcus.

“Whatever,” said Buck. “Fine. You can go to the movies.”

“Send me money on my phone,” Colton said.

“Fine.”

“We need popcorn and stuff,” he said.

“So, you need a hundred dollars, that’s what you’re telling me,” said Buck.

“I wouldn’t say no,” Colton said.

Lily, for her part, looked appropriately chagrined.

“You can buy your own ticket,” Marigold said.

“She doesn’t have to,” said Colton.

“Apparently my son is being chivalrous with my money.” Buck smiled. “Get out of here, you heathens.”

And that left the two of them standing there, by themselves.

“You want to come in?” he asked.

Did she want to come into the house where it would just be the two of them by themselves? She found that she did, perversely. But she also felt like she probably shouldn’t. Of course, her feelings could be entirely one-sided. That was most likely. Also, they were adults. They were not hormonal teenagers who needed supervision to be alone in a room together. That was Colton and Lily.

Another potent reminder of why nothing was ever going to happen between the two of them.

There was ruining your kid’s life, and then there was ruining your kid’s life by having the hots for her boyfriend’s father.

Wow. What a horror show.

“Sure,” she said. She stepped inside, almost to prove that she could. Almost just to prove that there was no real bogeyman here. There was no lack of control she needed to be worried about, no attraction that was beyond the both of them.

It was just silly to think in those terms.

“You want to stay for dinner? You and Lily, when she gets back. I have a feeling they’re all going to be overfull from what they’re eating at the theater.”

“Sure.”

“I have these great preprepared meals,” he said.

She laughed. She laid the bag on the counter. “I mean, there’s a little bit of work yet to do.”

“I can help.”

“There’s not much to it. We just need to put the chicken in the oven, along with the roast vegetables. Since there’s time yet before they’ll return.”

“Sounds good.”

She started getting the ingredients out. And compulsively, she began to put away the other preprepared meals she had brought, because she was here, so she might as well.

She could feel him looking at her.

“Sorry,” she said. “I probably overstepped.”

“No,” he said. “You haven’t overstepped with anything.”

“The permits got submitted,” she said, taking a deep breath and wondering if the subject change seemed too weird. But there was something so warm, so lovely about being in here with him, and she was pushing against that reflexively. Against the feeling of contentment that had begun to bloom in her chest.

Maybe that was silly. Because over the last couple of weeks Buck really had become a friend. He had brought the boys to her parents’ house to throw the ball around with her dad. Now the boys were considering trying out for the baseball team at school. Buck was part of her life. It might be unexpected in a lot of ways, but it was definitely reality. So maybe she just needed to stop being awkward.

“Glad to hear it,” he said.

“Oh yeah. I am especially glad. I can’t believe it, though. I can’t believe that everything is progressing. I just... A month ago, I wouldn’t have thought I would be here.”

He looked around. “Specifically in my kitchen?”

“Well. That too.” She paused for a moment. “It’s a good thing. Because Lily is going to college.”

“I know.” He grimaced. “I do worry. About Lily and Colton. And the logistics of that relationship.”

“I know,” she said. “So do I.” She took a breath and tried to ease the knot of tension in her chest. “He’s a really good kid, Buck. Apart from being in my daughter’s room that first day I met him, I mean.”

“Yeah. Well. He is a good kid. A little bit feral, but he’s trying.”

“I know. I don’t want either of them to hold each other back.”

“Neither do I. But they don’t seem to have an angsty, over-the-top teen romance thing happening. I mean, they’re going to the movies with Colton’s younger brothers.”

“Yeah,” she said, smiling.

It really was the most wholesome, lovely thing. The way Buck and the boys had formed a family. The way Colton took care of Marcus and Reggie.

“I don’t mean... Just to be very clear, it isn’t that I don’t think Colton is wonderful. I do.”

“No, I know. Lily is a great girl. You’ve done an amazing job with her. I can only hope that I do half as well with the little bit of time I have... That is the only thing. I wish I had more time to parent Colton.”

“I know you don’t know this,” she said softly. “Because you left home at eighteen and didn’t really have contact with anybody, but parenting doesn’t end at eighteen. Colton is going to need you a lot when he’s off to college. And he’s going to need this place to come back to. Your continued support when he’s not technically a kid anymore, that’s going to mean the world to him.”

The corner of his mouth tipped upward into a smile. “I hadn’t thought of it that way.”

“I mean, it’s a great way to continue to show that when you took him in, it was forever. I imagine he hasn’t had a lot in the way of stability.”

Buck shook his head. “No. Colton was put in foster care when he was three. He got bounced around all over the place for years before his mom lost parental rights. And then... He was running away from foster homes all the time. He got caught with drugs he was selling. And that was how he ended up at Hope Ranch.”

Sympathy made her chest tight. “That poor kid.”

“Yeah. He was fifteen when he came to the ranch. Alone in the world. Angry. He’s had two years of stability. Compared to all those years without it.”

“It’s amazing what a difference it makes.”

“I just wish... You know, it’s one of those things. I just really wish I could’ve found them earlier. But in order to do that I would’ve had to find myself earlier. And I wasn’t there yet.”

“But you were at the ranch for sixteen years.”

He chuckled. “Yeah. And for a while, that was just triage. Me trying to stop the bleeding so I could stay standing.”

“I need a cutting board,” she said.

“Right here,” he said. He moved toward her, and then reached up into the cabinet above her head, bringing his chest right up against her, and when he looked down, the breath exited her lungs in a gust. He was so close. She could smell him.

He smelled like cedar, dust and hay.

She wondered about the plans he had for this ranch. He had mentioned a little about them a couple of times in passing when they were planning different things for her business. But she found she wanted to know more about him. And at the same time, she realized she also wanted to draw closer to him. She felt dizzy with it.

He seemed frozen there. He wasn’t grabbing a cutting board. He was just standing there. His hand pressed against the cabinet above her, and her eyes drifted to his forearm, well muscled and glorious. To his mouth again, down to his broad chest. His lean waist. Highlighted perfectly in the maroon Henley shirt he was wearing.

“Buck,” she said.

A warning, an invitation—she wasn’t exactly sure.

But his name tasted like moonshine that neither of them allowed themselves to drink anymore. Intoxicating. Forbidden.

Then suddenly, he grabbed the cutting board and took a step back. “Here,” he said.

“Oh,” she said, taking it from his hand.

Their fingers didn’t brush. He was very careful to make sure they didn’t.

He cleared his throat. “Anything I can do to help? I thought all the prep was done.”

“I decided I wanted to add a little bit more garlic. That’s all. It’s in the suggestions in the recipe, but since I’m doing it...”

“You shouldn’t do it. You already did all the work.”

“I don’t mind. It’s my job. And cooking is easy for me. Probably a lot easier than watching you stumble through the motions.”

“Well, I have stumbled through the motions when you’re not here.”

“Yes,” she said. “But crucially, I don’t have to see it.”

“Harsh,” he said.

Their gazes connected, lingered for just a little bit too long.

She didn’t know what to do in a situation like this. She hadn’t wanted to kiss a man in a very long time. And the truth was, she wanted to kiss Buck Carson.

But it was inconvenient, and it was foolish.

“Stop looking at me like that,” he said.

Well. He was going to make hiding it pointless.

“Sorry. I’m trying to figure out exactly what to do about it.”

“About what exactly, Marigold?”

“Don’t make it weird,” she said.

“I’m not making it weird. But I am asking you. Honestly.”

“No you aren’t. Because you know exactly what I was thinking.”

“Tell me.”

He was daring her. The sensual challenge in his voice ignited something in her stomach.

How was that possible? Only a few moments ago, their kids had all been in a car in the driveway, and they had been bantering with them. It had all been so parental. And for her, being a parent had meant separating herself entirely from sexuality.

Or maybe that separation had been about protection. Not just protecting Lily, but herself.

Because she had only known how to use sex in a really unhealthy way. It hadn’t been about pleasure; it had been about oblivion. Attention. It had never been about love; it had been about loss. About the emptiness inside of her. And she just hadn’t wanted to work any of that out with her daughter around watching it.

He made her want to try. Because right now, they felt cocooned. Right now, this felt like a lovely, secret moment.

She wanted to take his dare. She wanted to find the part of herself she had put away so long ago and take it back out. Look at it. Examine it. See if it still shone as brightly as it had then. Because that was the thing. She could have regrets about the why of all the things she had done, but there was something wonderful about being young. And a little bit wild.

Both she and Buck had put away their wildness so effectively. And maybe that’s what she was seeing when she looked at him. When their eyes caught and held. Maybe she was seeing the remnants of that wildness, a little spark.

It made her want to test it. To try it.

“Well, I was thinking about kissing you.”

He made a sound, adjacent to a growl, and it left her feeling thrilled. Excited.

“That would be a very bad idea,” he said.

“I know. That’s why I didn’t do it.”

“But you mentioned it.”

“After intensive questioning,” she said.

“Because you were being so obvious.”

They stared at each other for a long moment. She tried to take a breath, but she found the air in her lungs was frozen. And in a voice she barely recognized as her own, she heard: “Just once.”

Maybe this was a gift to the girl she had once been. The girl who had idolized him. Who had thought the sun and moon hung on his smile. The girl who had been so devastated and damaged after that accident that she had lost pieces of herself. Maybe it was a moment to give that girl a small fantasy.

Because hadn’t she been endlessly responsible? She had. She had made nothing but the best decisions every day of her life since Lily was born. And they had this small window. This couple of hours where nobody was here, where no one was watching them, and she just wanted to make one choice that was self-indulgent. Some might call it bad.

But they’d been so good. How could it be bad?

That was how she found herself taking a step toward him. And he didn’t move away.

She put her hand on his chest and startled. He was so hot, so solid. She could feel his heart raging beneath her palm.

It had been so long since she had touched somebody else like this, and the last time she had, it hadn’t been the same. It hadn’t been slow. It hadn’t been deliberate. She had wanted to be carried away from the moment. Right now, she wanted to linger in it.

She didn’t want to forget who she was. She remembered. Every year, every mistake. Every version of herself that she had ever been. She allowed all of those Marigolds to enjoy the moment. Because in that moment, she was flooded by a rush of forgiveness. Not just for him, but for herself.

For the foolish things, the hopeful things, the wild things, the self-sacrificing things and the indulgent things.

Because she was all the decisions she had ever made, good and bad. And one didn’t take away from the other, and none of it defined her either.

She moved her hand slowly down his chest, to the firm, flat ridges of his stomach. She stopped at the waistband of his jeans, her breath catching hard.

Then she reached her hand out to his face, tracing a line along his square jaw, relishing the sensation of his whiskers beneath her fingertips.

“You... You’re so...”

“Shut up and kiss me,” he said.

She didn’t have time to respond, because he wrapped his large hand around the back of her head and pulled her in close, his mouth firm and hard against hers as he claimed her with an intensity that was unlike anything she had ever experienced before.

His body was so hard, his hold so tight, so perfect. She wrapped her arms around his neck and gave herself over to the kiss. Learning how to do it all over again. She followed his rhythm, parted her lips, and when his tongue touched hers, she gasped. Then sighed as he went deep, luxuriating in the slick friction of it.

He moved his hands down her back to cup her rear, and she arched forward instinctively, reveling in his touch.

She didn’t know if this counted as one kiss, because eventually he was kissing her neck and back to her mouth again, then down to the curve of her breast.

She gasped.

He lifted her up off the ground and placed her on the counter, stepping into the space between her legs and deepening the kiss.

She wrapped her legs around him, realizing she was pushing this further, faster than she had meant to. But it was instinct. It was needed. So many years of not being held, not being touched.

She wondered then if she had been acting out of any sort of great restraint, or if she had been punishing herself. She had decided she didn’t deserve this. This magical alchemy of human connection. The glory of a man’s hands on her body.

Suddenly now she wanted it more than she could remember wanting anything.

More than she could remember wanting to breathe.

Nothing was simple about this. He was Buck Carson. Their son and daughter were dating. Their connection was loaded. Like a stick of dynamite. But then, so was this. This need.

She gave back everything he was giving. He growled, and when his hands moved to cup her breasts, a sudden rush of reality crowded in.

“Wait,” she said.

“What?” he asked, his voice deep, his words slurred.

“We can’t. Colton and Lily are dating. We are business partners, there is so much... There is so much stuff.”

He took a step away, letting out a deep breath. Then he looked up at the ceiling.

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to recite the alphabet backward.”

Her eyes dropped to the front of his jeans. “Oh,” she said.

He winced. “Yeah.”

“I... I’m sorry. I haven’t been with anybody in a long time.”

“It’s been a fair amount of time for me too.”

“Seventeen years?”

He had to laugh. “No. But still. A while.” He let out a slow breath. “And even if it had been yesterday, it wouldn’t matter. Because you’re you. And I have been attracted to you since the day you showed up practically towing Colton by the ear. It’s you. It’s not the celibacy or the fact that it’s forbidden or anything like that. It’s just you.”

She’d had no idea how much she needed to hear something like that until he’d said it.

To not just feel desired, but special.

It had been a long time since she had felt anything like that, too. Maybe she never had.

“This is a really bad idea,” she said. “I mean, not the one kiss. That was wonderful. But anything else...”

He looked at her, and there was fire in his eyes.

“Don’t look at me like that,” she said.

“I believe I just said that to you, and look at where we ended up.”

“Definitely not preparing dinner.” She took a deep breath. “Do you know why I’ve been celibate since before I had Lily?”

“I could take a few wild guesses.”

“It felt easy in some ways, to not have her dad around. I felt like I was blessed with a lack of complication. That meant she was my daughter and I got to raise her on my terms. The idea of bringing random men into the life I so carefully made for her, for me, I couldn’t bear it.” She decided not to mention any of her errant thoughts about the possibility of it being a punishment. Like she had cut herself off for being overindulgent. “And she’s leaving in just a few months.”

“I understand that. But you aren’t with her all the time.”

“Aren’t you listening? I don’t like complicated. Maybe because I had my fill of complicated a long time ago. You have to understand that.”

He nodded slowly. “I guess maybe I should. But I was never trying to make my life simple. I think I don’t know anything but complicated. I mean, I just adopted three teenage boys, so obviously simple is not my wheelhouse.”

She laughed. “I get that. But...”

“Yeah. There’s a lot of people who could get hurt.”

She nodded. “Yes. There is.”

“The thing is, nobody will get hurt if nobody knows.”

She hadn’t even considered that. “What would that even look like? Do you mean... If we just...”

“It’s entirely possible to keep things only physical.”

“Well, that’s the thing. Our lives are kind of enmeshed. And that makes it difficult to be only physical.”

“Friends with benefits. I hear that works.”

Wow. That was an incredibly tempting offer. But she had to wonder...much like when she was on the cusp of that same feeling she’d had when he had first offered to help her with her business.

Wondering if she was just doing moral gymnastics because really, she wanted to take him up on the offer.

Everything felt too high stakes.

That was the bottom line. She couldn’t go playing around with her daughter’s first relationship. With her last few months of her daughter being at home.

Are you still making excuses?

She didn’t think so. But when she looked at him, her heart beat faster, and that reminded her of scarier times.

More exciting times.

But scary, all the same.

“The kids will be back soon.” She let out a long, slow breath. “Thank you for... That was actually the first time I’ve done anything like that for a long time. As you know. And it was really, really nice.”

“And the sky didn’t cave in,” he said.

“No.”

She had so many questions. About how he had conducted his life for these past two decades.

Not the stuff she knew—where he had lived, the work he had done. She wanted to know about his sex life. About his relationships. Because she was standing on the edge of those things, and she wished she could understand what made him think he could just be her friend with benefits. She also knew that talking about it was dangerous. That they needed to get back on less precarious footing.

So she didn’t ask him. She just decided to finish cooking the chicken. And by the time the kids got home, she could only hope they didn’t look like they had been caught with their hands in the cookie jar. She sort of felt like she had been, even though time had lapsed since they’d given in to that kiss.

Their eyes met across the table, and she decided, within herself, that whatever happened, they were going to be friends. And that was it. That was going to be the solid foundation by which they built everything. Their business... And everything.

After they’d driven home, she looked over at Lily. “Did you have a good time?”

“Yeah. I had a great time. Colton’s brothers are really cute.”

“They’re not that much younger than you.”

“No, but they seem like it. I don’t know. They’re nice kids.”

It was funny to hear Lily talk about a fifteen-year-old and a sixteen-year-old that way. She supposed it reflected how mature her daughter felt at this point in time. How ready she was to be seen as an adult. Yes. Her life really was changing.

And Marigold thought about that kiss...

No. She was resolved.

And yet, friends with benefits...

She ached. She really did. Because what if they could do that? What if they could have a relationship nobody knew about but them? One that didn’t complicate things. One that just eased both of their needs a little bit.

You would never let yourself have something that nice.

That very disturbing thought echoed in her head for the whole rest of the evening.