Rancher’s Return

Chapter Five

T hey were past the point of no return. And she was so glad. So damned glad. All she wanted was to have him. To have this. Now that she had fully admitted it to herself, it was like the floodgates had opened. Need and desire were a driving force within her; there was no room for nerves.

It was actually like being young again. Because she had been completely inexperienced the first time she had made out with him. And she had still ended up getting him half-undressed.

She could still remember, with a rush of adrenaline, how she had gone down on him in his truck, in the driveway of his dad’s place. She had never felt nervous. She had always just felt... Like she needed him. She had wondered if she might feel awkward her first time, since at this point, she had waited longer than she had intended. But she didn’t. Instead, she felt like they were picking up right where they left off.

“I’m ready to get to home base,” she said.

“What does that mean?”

“We went to third base, right?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “Do people still use that baseball metaphor?”

“I don’t know. I don’t do anything with anybody. So, I always have used it, but maybe it’s outdated.”

“Well, I don’t care,” he said. He pushed her down onto the bed, his weight over the top of her, and it was her turn to squeal like a 1930s movie heroine. She was a breath away from swooning.

She stripped his shirt up over his head and pushed him onto his back so she could look at him. He had changed. He was more muscular now; there was hair on his chest. Her heart skipped several beats.

He was just far too beautiful for his own good. For her own good. For anyone’s sanity.

His golden good looks had always left her senseless, breathless. She kissed his neck, all the way down his chest, down to the waistband of his jeans, where she undid his belt, the button on his jeans, lowering the zipper.

“Indulge me,” she said. “For nostalgia’s sake.”

Then she exposed him to her hungry gaze. Lord.

He was... She pressed her palm against his hardened length and dragged her hand down to the base of him. Then she leaned forward, tasting him with the tip of her tongue. He groaned and arched his hips upward, and, flushed with memory and need, she took him deep into her mouth.

He pushed his fingers through her hair; his hold wasn’t tight or insistent. He let her direct the movements. Let her explore.

Somehow, she felt like this was about her. That his body was her playground, her domain. He was hers.

She knew that with certainty. Even though she knew she wasn’t the only woman to ever touch him, to ever do this for him, she had the feeling so strongly then, and still, that it had never been the same for him. That it still wasn’t this .

“Enough,” he said, his breathing ragged.

“Why?” she said, raising her head, then she kissed his hip bone. “Because we’ve done this. I need you.”

Then she found herself flipped onto her back as he shucked his jeans off the rest of the way. As he stripped her shirt up over her head, unclipped her bra with expertise. He stripped her entirely bare, and she wasn’t embarrassed at all. She felt powerful. She felt perfect.

And he looked at her like she was a treasure. He kissed her neck, her breast. He cupped her, sliding his thumb over her nipple, and she remembered how he used to do that in his truck. The first time he had touched her bare breasts. Only this time, he didn’t stop there, he lowered his head and took her nipple into his mouth, sucking hard. She gasped, pleasure lancing her.

Then he moved his hand between her thighs and found her wet and ready for him. His touch was like white lightning against her flesh, and she arched against his hand as he pushed a finger inside her, making her shake with her desire for him. It was Colton.

How could she have ever thought of him as forbidden? When he was hers.

He had always belonged to her.

He kissed his way down her body, his hands still wreaking havoc between her thighs. Until his mouth found that sensitized pearl there, until he began to lick her like she was the most delicious thing he’d ever tasted.

He gripped her hips and pulled her firmly against his mouth, his tongue working her with firm strokes. She wanted to keep her head, not because she was afraid, just because she wanted to remember this in detail. Because this was a vacation out of time. Because this wasn’t a declaration, it was only a reclamation, and eventually, their family would be here. And they would have to pretend this hadn’t happened. So she was going to memorize it all in vivid detail, except she felt her grip on the earth begin to dissolve. She felt herself beginning to crack. And when he pushed two fingers inside of her while his tongue pleasured her, she shattered. Utterly and completely. And then he was over her, capturing her sounds of pleasure with a deep kiss. She could taste her own need on his mouth. He grabbed a condom, and he applied it with expert finesse, before cupping her chin and looking her in the eye. “Are you ready?”

“Yes,” she said.

“This is a long time coming, Lily Rivers.”

“It sure is,” she said.

The blunt head of him pressed against the entrance to her body, and he pushed inside of her slowly. So slowly. And it felt amazing. She arched into him, urging him on, wrapping her legs around his hips as he thrust into her one last time. It hurt, but it didn’t matter. Because she was finally with him. Like this. It felt like a reckoning. A homecoming. It felt like her due.

And then he began to move. And it was like the earth moved with him. And so did she.

She was caught up, completely enraptured by the moment. He drove them both to the heights, again and again, before setting them back down. And building it all over again. And when she felt herself getting close to the peak, when she couldn’t possibly come back from it one more time, she jumped. And she took him with her. They both shuddered out their pleasure, and she could feel him pulsing deep inside of her as he gave himself over to the same madness that was overtaking her.

They held each other after that. Their skin slick, their hearts beating hard.

She put her hand on his chest, rested her face right next to it. She didn’t feel awkward with him. Not now. It was the strangest thing. She would’ve thought that being naked with someone she felt unspeakably uncomfortable around 90 percent of the time would be worse. Instead, it was right.

Instead, it felt like everything.

Like this was where they were supposed to be all along.

“I’ve waited a long time for that,” he said.

She wondered if she should be offended by what he said. If she should take it to mean that he had been waiting to make this conquest. But she didn’t feel like being offended. She wanted to luxuriate in the moment. That was all.

“I feel the same way,” she said.

“I didn’t think I’d be giving thanks for bad weather.”

“I didn’t think I’d be giving thanks for being trapped here with you,” she said.

“No. I guess not.”

“I really did think that I was doing the right thing back then,” she said. “I wanted to be doing the right thing. I hoped that I was. I wanted... I wanted everything to be perfect for my mom. Because she gave up so much to raise me. She never said that. She never acted like she was sacrificing, but I know she was. My dad... He was such an unforgivable asshole.”

“Really? She never talks about him.”

“She acts like she doesn’t care. She acts like she doesn’t care that he was never involved, and...that the way they hooked up wasn’t super problematic. But I’m furious for her. I always have been. You know her brother died when she was a teenager? And she was hurting. Older men took advantage of her. The guy that got her pregnant was already in college. She was still in high school. And of course she plays it off. She acts like she was just as much at fault in it as he was. But... I remember when I fully realized how crazy it was that she got pregnant with me when she was sixteen. Sixteen.”

“Maybe that’s a little bit why you stayed away from men.”

“It’s a lot why,” she said.

She wondered if it was partly why she had pushed him away initially too. That thought was a revelation. A strange, shocking one. She knew it was why her mother had been so nervous about Lily and Colton. Because they were getting too serious, too fast, too young. Because her mom wanted her to do something with her life.

“I don’t envy my mom,” she said. “I can’t imagine the tightrope that she had to walk to make sure her child felt wanted, while trying to make sure I didn’t make the same decisions she did. I mean, she did a great job. I never felt like she resented me. But I understood that her options were limited because of her circumstances. She had to work. She had to make her life about me. She wanted me to be able to live for myself longer than she did. But she also made it clear that having me changed her life for the better. I think she just never wanted my life to be as difficult as hers was. Of course she didn’t. But it made me want to protect her. And maybe myself too.”

“I just wanted to protect myself,” he said. “I was lonely for so damned long. Everything in my life felt unstable and precarious.”

“And then I dropped a bombshell on you at a school dance. I’m sorry.”

“We were seventeen,” he said.

“Yeah. That was how old my mom was when she was being a mom.”

“Difficult to believe,” he said.

“How old was your mom when she had you?”

He shook his head. “I don’t really know. I mean, young. Probably sixteen, seventeen. But I don’t know. I don’t have much information about her. If any really. That’s all right. It’s not... It is what it is. I let that go a long time ago.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah? I mean, I have a family. Regardless of things being occasionally difficult between you and me. I have more than most people who come out of my situation end up with.”

She wasn’t sure which thing was more mind-blowing. That she had just had sex with Colton, or that they were now having a conversation. All in all, it was difficult to say.

“I’ve never really heard everything about your childhood.”

He chuckled. “There are things best left untalked about. At least, in my opinion.”

“Why?” She rolled over onto her side and looked at him. At his strong profile. She didn’t ask herself if there would ever be a moment in time when she didn’t think he was gorgeous. Because... It was okay if this never went away. She didn’t know why she felt that way, only that right now, it felt okay if this was how it was forever. Because he was that special. And it was that good. Because something felt deeply complete inside of her in a way that it hadn’t before.

“We should go put the groceries away,” he said.

He rolled away from her, and she grabbed his wrist. “I know that I’m the one who put a stop to things five years ago. So I feel like I have to say now... That can’t be the only time.”

“Sure. Until the road opens,” he said.

That terrified her. Because that was just... Open-ended. Open-ended and impossible to sort through. It meant that everything could be over in a few hours, or in a few days.

She dressed slowly, and he put his jeans on, and nothing else.

She looked at the muscles in his back as she walked behind him down the stairs. Gave herself permission to really stare at him. It was a luxury she didn’t usually allow herself. She kept her eyes trained on him while he put food into the fridge, into the cabinets.

“You can tell me, Colt. Everything.”

“Why?”

“Who else are you going to tell? Maybe our connection is inconvenient, and maybe it doesn’t make a lot of sense, but it has been real from the moment we first met each other. Why bother to deny it?”

“I don’t think I was ever the one that denied it.”

“Why are you so upset about it if you don’t have any feelings for me? If it doesn’t matter, why does it still bother you? We need to figure this out, otherwise everything is going to implode when everybody gets here. You realize that, right?”

“Why would it be any different now than it was before?”

“Because we...”

“You’d already seen my penis, Lily, and we somehow managed okay.”

“We hadn’t done that . And I was... I was an idiot, okay? So we have to figure out a different way to be. And there are no inconsequential things we need to know about each other. We already know them. I know you ordered water at the diner because Buck doesn’t drink, so you don’t. And maybe it also ties to things with your mom, even though you haven’t told me that. I know you went to school for agribusiness. I know you like fruit candy, and you hate cooked fruit. I know you didn’t tell anybody you didn’t like cooked fruit for years because you were afraid of seeming ungrateful, and I also wonder if it’s a little bit because there were times in your life when you didn’t have food at all. So your preferences didn’t get to come into play. Why should we talk about small things, Colton? What’s the point of it? You were just inside of me. Let’s have a little bit of honesty.”

“If you think you want that,” he said, turning away from her.

“I know I do. Because this... These past few years sure as hell haven’t worked. So let’s... Let’s talk about something real.” She looked down. “I told you about my dad. Though... I didn’t tell you that I found him.”

“You what?” He looked at her.

She had never told her mother this. She wouldn’t.

Because she knew that it would hurt her mom’s feelings. That Lily had sought out her dad when her mother had made an effort to have there be a clean break between them. But she had been eighteen and out on her own, and she had been curious. She knew that her father lived near where she was going to school, and she did a little bit of digging and found him.

He hadn’t been horrible; that was the worst part. He had been detached. He hadn’t been cruel; that would’ve implied emotion. He just didn’t seem to feel a thing.

“I went to his house. I told him who I was. He wasn’t married or anything. He didn’t have a whole other family. He didn’t seem desperate to hide my existence. He’s an engineer. He has a decent job, a nice house. He thought it was crazy that I was already in college. But that seemed more in regards to how old that made him. He wasn’t impressed with me. He didn’t seem to have any regrets. I think I was hoping he would. I was hoping he would regret that he wasn’t part of my life, and it was clear he didn’t. Worse, it was obvious I wasn’t missing anything by not having him in my life. I was hoping I was.

“But then I felt guilty. Because Buck has been such a great father figure to me. And my mom sacrificed everything. She did the best job she possibly could, raising me without making me feel like I was missing anything. Also, it’s a terrible thing to see the ways you look like somebody, to feel the connection, to feel that they’re your flesh and blood and see that they don’t feel it back. I hurt myself with that one. After my mom spent my life trying to protect me from it.”

“It isn’t weird that you wanted to find your dad,” said Colton.

“You know where yours is?”

“He was in prison,” Colt said.

“Oh.”

“I think he’s probably dead now. I could check. Look in some archives or something. But... I’m not sure I want to. Though I guess, either way, I know where he is. Safely tucked away in a jail cell or six feet under.” He paused for a moment. “I find that to be a comfort. I have no idea where my mom is. I haven’t for a long time. But it wouldn’t be surprising if she were dead too. The way they both lived... Not conducive to long life spans.”

“How old were you when you got taken away from your mom?”

“Six. The first time. I spent a few years bouncing back and forth. Foster homes for a while, and then she would get to have another try. See if she could get off meth long enough to be a parent. She couldn’t. When I was ten, she lost her parental rights. And after that, I just didn’t get the point. I felt like I had spent years trying to behave. Trying to be a decent kid so I could get put back with my mom. Like, if I were better, then she would have the inspiration she needed to get off the drugs. But once I knew there was no hope of going back to her, once she was just gone... I gave up. I started using. Thank God, nothing too serious. And thank God, I didn’t take to it. Because that could have decided the entire trajectory of my life when I was way too young to be making decisions like that. I started dealing. To try and keep my head above water when I was out on the streets. I got arrested. I got sent to juvie. I got sent to group homes. Depending on the mood of the judge on a given day.

“Eventually, I exhausted my options locally. They decided to ship me out to Colorado. To Hope Ranch. My life changed because of that. If I hadn’t gone there, I would be dead. Either because I ended up on the wrong end of somebody’s gun, or because I took something. Maybe on purpose, and OD’d. Staying alive is just a lot of damned work when you live the way I did.”

He shook his head. “And it’s not even an interesting story. Not that part. That part is boring. That part is so common. It’s a repeated cycle, one you don’t know how to get yourself out of if nobody shows you how. And for a long time, there was nobody to show me how. And that was difficult. It was really difficult. But then I met Buck. And I learned that there was a different way to be a man. To be a person. He was honest. About his own struggles. Both with addiction and with just living through loss, violence. Your uncle’s death, it changed him. He saw his friends die. Everybody in town blamed him. And if they didn’t blame him directly, then at the very least there was a pall of suspicion cast over him. And combined with his own demons it was just too much. I don’t ever want to be glad that somebody went through a hard time, and I really don’t want to be glad that your uncle died. But I feel like Buck having gone through what he did... That’s what saved me. He showed me a new way to be.”

“I know you don’t think it’s interesting,” she said, her heart squeezing tight. “But it’s part of what makes you who you are. All the struggles that you’ve gone through. And I am grateful that Buck showed you a different path. But I don’t think you would be dead, Colton. I think you would’ve found a different way. Because I think that’s who you are.”

“Why? Based on what? What have I ever done to show you that I am singular in some way?”

“You just are. I was so deeply suspicious of men. Why wouldn’t I be? My dad was a shadowy figure who my mom had nothing to say about. And none of it meant anything to me. I didn’t fantasize about having a romance because I had never seen one that was functioning. I met you, and something about you got to me right away.”

He chuckled. “I think that’s called hormones.”

“I don’t think it was just sex. Or I would’ve had sex with somebody else in the intervening years.”

His face went blank. “I did.”

It hurt her. She let it.

She had known that. She didn’t think he was trying to be hurtful, though.

“Well, we weren’t together.” She winced. “Beth...”

“Is my friend. Not my girlfriend. I promise.”

“She doesn’t think...”

“No, she doesn’t. There’s no... There’s no ambiguity there.”

“Oh.”

“Were you jealous?”

She looked down at her hands. “I was trying not to be. I don’t have a claim on you. I never have. I mean, I have no right to be jealous, all things considered. But yes.” She was rambling, stammering, going back over her words. “I guess I just thought it was okay if we were both stalled out. But if you had a girlfriend...”

“You didn’t want me moving on and being happy, Lily?”

“That’s not it,” she said.

“What is it then?”

“I don’t know. It just made things feel final. And I didn’t want them to.”

“Well. I guess they aren’t so final.”

“I guess not,” she said.

They finished putting the food away, and Lily wandered into the living room and looked up at the tree. It was beautiful. “Every year at Christmas I would get an orange in my stocking, and some chocolate. Like Laura Ingalls. Well, the chocolate was just because my grandpa wanted me to have it. Usually, I would get a present that my grandma made me and a small thing from my mom. It was just us. And it was happy. It was so different to suddenly be part of the Carson family. And to suddenly have you all in my family.”

“Yeah. I can relate to that. We never really had Christmas. I mean, I never did. Not until I went to Hope Ranch. They did big Christmases there. They cooked us gigantic feasts, and we got presents sent to us from well-meaning people in the community. A lot of winter coats and gloves and things. But, damn, the nicest stuff I ever had. Before that, everything I owned I just kept in a black trash bag. I had a pair of shoes that were too small for about three years. There, I got some that fit. That was kind of a big deal. And once we became Carsons, it was like... I could have anything I wanted. My grandparents bought me a truck. I used to hate rich people. I still kind of do. But I guess I am one. I don’t really know what to do with that.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever hated anybody for being rich. But I don’t really think I knew that I was poor.”

“That’s because you were middle class,” he said. “And you all don’t talk about money that way. Your parents try to protect you from it. When you don’t have food, nobody can protect you from that. When you’re poor as shit, then you talk about it. I always knew. And then, when I got taken away from my mom, I was a foster kid. Bouncing around schools, and it was actually kind of a good thing, because at least it took a little while for people to find out that I had a foster family. It was so...embarrassing. Because then everybody knows that there’s something wrong with your mom. And that kind of...made me sad. Because...”

He got a faraway look on his face. “I thought my mom was pretty. She got really skinny. Then sometimes she had wounds on her face. But... When she was fixed up, I thought she was just the prettiest lady. I liked her jewelry. She wore a lot of bracelets with charms. Stars and moons. She had long blond hair. I still think people who smoke smell kind of comforting. Because that was how my mom’s sweatshirts always smelled. I really loved her, Lily. And I didn’t want anybody else to think little of her. Because I didn’t. I wanted to protect her, but I didn’t even know where she was.”

That was a terrible grief. She had an absentee father who didn’t want to be in her life. It was clear to her that Colton’s mother must have loved him. She was just trapped. Caught in the throes of an addiction she couldn’t shake, in a cycle she couldn’t break. Because she couldn’t grasp a hand and get out the way that Colton had done.

Right then, Lily felt a profound amount of sadness for that woman. Because he was a wonderful man, and his mother didn’t know it. Because someone else had brought her son into their family. After he had all but raised himself. Nobody dreams of that. It was a terrible thing to know that a woman who had, at one time, been a little girl with hopes and dreams for her life had grown into that reality.

“I bet she was pretty,” Lily said. “And I bet she loved you a lot. Because she tried so many times.”

He paused. “Thank you. For saying that.”

“I mean it.”

“A lot of people get mad when they hear about her. Buck did. And that’s great. I mean, I get it. But I’m not mad at her. I’m just sad.”

“I think that’s really nice. But it makes me even sadder for her. To know she has a son who loves her unconditionally. When she probably doesn’t know that.”

“Well. There’s not much to be done about it. Like I said. I have a good family. I just still have that feeling. Like I want to protect her.”

“Well. Why would it go away? She’s your mom. No matter how many years have passed.”

“Well, like you, it feels kind of ungrateful. Especially given how Marigold has been such a great mother figure to me.”

“But she would never resent you for caring for your birth mother. You know that.”

He nodded.

She put her hand on his. Everything was put away now.

“Why don’t we go back upstairs?”

“Sounds like a good plan.”