Chapter 2 #2
My chest rose. Then fell. Then rose.
The call ended, but the phone was still pressed against my ear. I was unable to move. Paralyzed with so many things.
Lust.
Love.
Appreciation.
Disappointment.
Thirst.
Contentment.
Commitment.
Disbelief.
Confusion.
Longing.
Respect.
Hunger.
And a yearning far too deep to comprehend.
Rome. I need you.
I needed to make sense of this. I needed to make sense of him.
Josiah Blackwood.
“Range,” Kason called out to me.
It was his hand on my shoulder that reeled me in, reminding me of the moment and the fact that it didn’t include Josiah. It was Kason next to me.
“Yes– I mean no. I–uh. There’s been a family emergency. I need to go,” I breathed out.
It wasn’t Josiah’s request that prompted me to end my time with Kason. It was his call. His presence. His energy. His voice. His revolting nature. It was him. All of him. Even the ugly parts.
If there are any.
“Do you need me to drive you?”
“No. No. I– I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”
“Don’t worry, love. I’ll call and check on you.”
“Okay.”
I gathered myself and gathered my things, gym bag included.
“Let me walk you downst–”
“I’m fine, Kason. I need a minute. I need some time.”
“Alright,” he sighed, leaning in to kiss my lips. “I’ll call you.”
“Okay.”
I slammed my body against the leather chair. The lights of my study were low, but I was on high alert. I adjusted the silk dress, finding comfort underneath my desk. I entered my password and watched the screen change before my eyes.
Josiah Blackwood.
My fingers moved faster than they ever had.
A Google search was hardly enough. I entered his name in the system.
My system. A system that Psalms had helped me perfect.
One that was clever and consuming. One that could locate your last cafe receipt if you gave it enough seconds.
It was thorough, and it was a hell of a tool in my line of work.
Wife?
Children?
Measly charges?
Drug history?
Anything?
I searched for the flaws. They were destined to appear. My patience was plentiful. I allowed the software to complete its search.
Blackwood Pharmaceuticals appeared in his profile time and time again. I scrolled, waiting for images of his wife to appear. At the end of the first page, I realize there wouldn’t be any. No one carried his last name but his mother and father.
His sister’s name had been changed, hyphenated to include her husband’s name. To my surprise, it was the name of the man who Josiah was being accused of murdering. My brows furrowed at my lack of information on the case.
It’s not mine. I reasoned. It’s not mine.
Hadn’t I denounced my assistance with the case, I’d know the details as well as I knew my last name and the notes of the last scent Teddy wore.
It’s not mine. I reminded myself. It’s not mine.
The guilt still clung to me. Holding me tightly. Lingering. Taunting.
My deep dive into Josiah Blackwood did little to satisfy my growing curiosity. It enhanced his mystique. The odds were not in my favor.
I now had evidence that Josiah was:
A gifted chemist.
A wealthy Black man.
A well-connected man.
A resourceful man.
A businessman.
Very knowledgeable.
Unmarried.
Without children.
A saint on paper.
A sinner behind doors.
Flawless.
Addictive.
Elusive.
I pushed my chair from my desk and stalked the floor until I was in my closet. I didn’t take the time to carefully choose my workout gear. The first pieces to touch my hand, touched my body. I laced my Chanel trainers and trekked toward the treadmill.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
The sound was heavenly. The walking pad began to move.
I pressed the plus sign near the handgrip, increasing the speed.
With my left hand, I increased the incline.
Once at a comfortable speed and incline, I lowered my headphones onto my head and prepared for the burn my body desperately needed to calm the brewing storm.
My home gym had saved me so many times before. I doubted it would let me down tonight. If the treadmill wasn’t the solution, there was a stairmaster, weights, a spin bike, and every machine the local gyms charged a monthly fee to use.
I closed my eyes, hanging both hands over my head. My spine was straight and my posture was a result of it. Images of Josiah rushed me at once.
I didn’t falter. I didn’t fold. I didn’t fret.
Thick arms garnered my attention.
A silky smooth voice lured me closer.
Perfectly balanced, ultra-dark skin toyed with parts of me he hadn’t touched.
Bushy brows and coarse coils atop his head was evidence of our children’s future inheritance.
A long, dreamy frame promised me long nights with easy lifting.
Muscular legs promised to be my softest place to land, catching my tears when they fell or my hair when it unraveled from his hands as my head bobbed in his lap.
Oh God, Range.
My mind was in another place. A sweet place. A place I found it hard to pull myself from. However, the widening of my nostrils and the tickling of the inside of my nose forced me from whatever magical place Josiah had invited me to.
My eyelids separated. Parts of my heart pulled toward my chest cavity, hoping for freedom. My hands fell from my head. I wasn’t sure how long I’d been there, but I was anticipating the moment I returned. For now, the wavering presence would suffice. I was no longer alone. I didn’t want to be.
“Teddy,” I breathed out.
Dressed in chocolate from head to toe, I marveled at the handsome man in front of me. He was aging beautifully. Still, aging reminded me that he was not the same man he was ten years ago. Not even the same man he was five years ago.
The gray that appeared in his beard reminded me that we didn’t have forever together. My stomach knotted at the thought. I felt the urge to release my emotions, but held them close. Held them tightly, refusing to break in front of him. I’d disappointed him enough already.
“Range–” he paused.
I lowered the incline and speed of my treadmill.
“You’re sweating, baby.”
“That’s the point, Teddy.”
“So is your makeup.”
It wasn’t the first time I’d started my treadmill with a full face and it wouldn’t be the last. However, my intentions weren’t to ruin my top. His observation saved a few seconds of my sanity.
He rubbed a hand down his beard, never taking his eyes off me. I felt like a mountain in his line of vision. He preferred reducing himself, becoming a steep hill one stood on top of to see the vastness of the mountain ahead of them.
Not just me.
Rugger.
Roaman.
Roulette.
Rather.
Rome.
Royce.
We were one in the same in his eyes. However, he still understood our differences.
I lowered my head, chuckling. A brown towel appeared on the handle, confirming my suspicions. Chemistry hadn’t walked through my door in the last five minutes. He’d been in my home for some time.
“How long?” I questioned, feeling the fabric of the towel beneath my fingertips.
“Long enough.”
Banter.
It was our greatest love language.
“It must be important.”
His presence was evidence. I wiped my face, cleaning the foundation, blush, concealer, lip liner, highlighter, and contour.
Secretly, part of me began to ache. The natural application I’d perfected had gone to waste.
But my head was clearer. Unfortunately, with Chem standing in front of me, my heart was heavier.
“Highest of priority.”
I swallowed the lump before it fully formed in my throat and choked me to death in front of my brother.
“You’ve never turned down a cleaning,” he started.
I bit into my bottom lip, drawing blood on the inside. Chemistry’s attention didn’t waver, however, his words did.
“Congratulations.”
“Chemistry.”
“It’s–” he tilted his head, “It’s something.”
Though a chuckle didn’t emerge, I could hear the laughter rolling around in his head.
“I think it’s pretty,” I admitted, holding up my left hand. “It’s just– not mine.”
“Not yours?”
“You knew before you entered my home that I was wearing this ring. As well, you knew I wouldn’t be marrying the man who gave it to me. Are we playing stupid now?”
“Not at all,” he cleared his throat and adjusted his posture, placing both hands in front of him.
He pulled them together and folded them onto each other. He squared his shoulders and moved his nose from one side to the other.
“I’m listening–”
There was more to come. I knew my brother too well.
“Just waiting on you to make sense of wearing the ring for a man you never plan to marry.”
“Because when I remove it, I will also remove Kason from my life. I’m not ready for that. Things were good before this appeared. I’m not prepared for the lonesomeness. Not yet. So, this isn’t a ring of engagement. It’s a sign of loss.
“Loss of time. Loss of energy. Loss of safety. Loss of calm. Loss of feelings. Loss of partnership. Loss of companionship. Loss for Kason. I’m no option, Teddy– In anyone’s life. That’s what I’ve been to Kason. And, I was okay with that as long as I understood it was temporary.
“This ring complicates things. It forces me to let go of what was never mine to hold onto. If not, I’m signing up for a lifetime of second places.
And, second place is not acceptable. Never acceptable.
Kason checks off so many boxes that if I didn’t love myself enough, I’d believe he was the man for me.
But, my intuition won’t allow me to love him.
It won’t allow me to take our relationship to a new level.
“It won’t allow me to marry him because he feels safe right now.
Later, that safety will unveil itself, showcasing its true identity.
I don’t have time for surprises. I’m not getting younger.
I can’t make foolish decisions as if I’m still a child.
He isn’t a bad guy. He’s just not my guy. He’s not my husband.”
His shoulders lifted and fell. No words of affirmation followed. I wouldn’t be rewarded for prioritizing myself or my teachings. It was exactly what I was taught to do, raised to do, and expected to do. It didn’t matter how close to the heart the matter was.
“Why can’t you clean this mess that has been made?”
I shook my head, turning off the treadmill. Slowly, I stepped down, careful to remember that my equilibrium would not be at its best. Once my feet were planted safely on the floor, I released the breath I’d been holding.
“Conflict of interest.”
“What conflict and what interest, baby?”
“Josiah.”
“What about him?”
“He’s my husband,” I clarified, “Possibly.”
A snigger fell from his lips as he pulled them together. My brows furrowed in confusion.
“Excuse me? Are you laughing?”
He shook his head. His dishonesty was rare.
“Liar.”
“If Josiah Blackwood is your husband, Range, that gives you a damn good reason to clean this mess. It’s yours.”
His finger pressed into my chest. Our orbs aligned.
My nostrils flared with uncertainty. My heart ached with anticipation.
I felt as if I was falling and flying at once.
I could feel the tears begin to well in my eyes.
Still, I held myself together, because I knew the moment I was alone, I would fall apart.
“No exception. Understood?”
Nodding, I accepted my fate. There was no outrunning it. No outrunning him. I was a cleaner and I had a mess to clean. It didn’t matter whose mess it was to clean. Not this time. Not to Teddy.
“Yes,” my voice cracked. I was hanging on by a thread. Disappointing my brother was unacceptable. I never had. I couldn’t start now.
Chemistry reached forward and unhooked my right hand. He placed a 5 ml vial of cologne in my palm. Quietly, I closed my eyes. I inhaled, taking a final whiff of one of the only men in our worlds that ever mattered.
The gush of wind claimed his presence. I didn’t have to pull my lids apart to know he was no longer with me. The pain in my chest told me so.
Every lifetime, Teddy.