Chapter 8 #3
Toni cocked her head to the right slightly. She liked that he didn’t say pretty words or lines of “I would hope by now you would know it’s not”, which would put the responsibility back on her. Instead, his answer was a single word, but one that held so much meaning.
“Me, too,” she confided. “A part of this seems like a dream, but so much of what has happened in the past day has been far, far too real. I trusted you last night, and I am going to trust you now. But we need to be honest with each other, Ranger.”
She felt his hand wrap around her hip, fingers flexing. “Liam,” he reminded her, and fuck, she wished it wasn’t so dark in the car so she could see his expression more clearly. There was something there, something hidden in the night’s shadows.
“Liam,” she repeated. “I think I just assumed you wanted me to call you by your name during sex.”
He shook his head, but did not embellish.
Toni turned away from him, looking out the fogged window to the community center. She’d been here so many times, both for open meetings with her parents and for Al-Anon meetings on her own, yet she was struggling to remember the last time she’d been here. Months? Maybe a year?
Sophia’s car and his motorcycle appeared to be the only vehicles in the parking lot now, which in a way was good. But if anyone walked by the car, the tinted windows wouldn’t have protected their sounds from being overheard.
His hand came up to her messy hair. “What are you thinking about?”
“I’m trying to remember the last time I was here. I used to come all the time, but…” She shook her head. “Now I don’t know.” Turning away from the building, she looked down at him. “My parents are addicts.”
“Both?” he questioned.
Toni nodded sadly. “It started when I was very young, and they even sold some from our apartment, but then we moved back to Mount Grove. My grandparents took custody of me, and my parents worked on getting themselves clean. It was good for a while, but just before they reached four years sober, my grandpa died suddenly. And when one falls…” Her voice trailed off.
“I saw them on and off for years after that, but my grandma hid a lot from me. She wanted me to concentrate on my studies rather than parenting my parents. I graduated high school, then college, then got into law school. While I was in law school, my parents came back to us. They were clean, and this time, they worked to stay that way. Even after Grandma died, they stayed clean.” Toni sniffled.
“Eight years, Liam. They had eight years clean…” Tears streamed down her cheeks, and Toni squeezed her eyes shut against the sting.
“I don’t understand it. I don’t know when they relapsed.
All I know is when my dad broke into my house last night, he had a bag of meth on him. ”
She felt his hands on her cheeks, gently brushing away her tears. “Ghost knew?”
Toni shook her head, but then nodded when she thought about it further.
“Scar found more drugs in my parents’ apartment.
Based on what was there, they’d been using again for a bit.
I didn’t know about that until today when I went back.
I only knew about the baggie my dad had on him last night, which I flushed when you brought me upstairs to my bedroom. ”
“I’m sorry.”
A snort came out of her. “What are you sorry for? My parents’ sobriety was on them, not you or me.”
Ranger still wiped his thumbs over her cheeks even though her anger had stopped her tears. “I’m sorry you’re in pain. I’m sorry they caused you this pain. And I’m sorry that I’m about to cause you more.”
Toni stiffened, shifting further back on his lap. It took her less than a second to realize what it was he was saying. Stupid, she cursed herself. She tried to keep her face blank as she nodded. “Yes, of course. I understand.”
“Based on your expression, I can guarantee you don’t,” he stated boldly.
“You’re in recovery, Ranger,” she argued.
She tried to scoot even further back on his lap, but his hands were now on her hips, holding her in place.
“You don’t need the daughter of addicts fucking that up for you.
I get it, believe me. Obviously, I didn’t help them stay sober, so there’s absolutely no evidence that I could do the same for you.
It’s fine,” she said harshly. Embarrassment heated her cheeks and her words.
She dropped her hands to his wrists, trying to move his hands off her hips, but his grip was like iron.
“Really,” she pressed, needing out of this car.
She tried to twist, and even contemplated climbing over the car seat to get away from him. “I’ll just go.”
“I don’t get it.”
Toni frowned, confused. “Get what? I’m leaving. If you,” she tried his wrists again but to no avail, “if you would just let go of me.”
“I have no intention of letting go of you, now or ever. I get that we have a lot to discuss between us, but we’re never going to get anywhere if you keep either, A, running away, or B, drawing conclusions as if you know me well enough yet to even guess what I am thinking.
From what Steel said, you are a top-notch attorney, able to read people and have a great heart.
You fought for him when evidence said you shouldn’t because you believed in him.
Same with Lucky. And yet, you have no faith or belief in yourself.
Why will you fight for others, but you won’t fight for yourself?
And need I remind you again to call me ‘Liam’? ”
* * *
Ranger loved how smooth her skin was, like silk. Static ran between them with each touch of his fingertips.
Toni finally stopped trying to get his hands off her waist. He wasn’t holding her tightly, and if she had stopped to think about it, she would have realized that.
Instead, she kept trying to move his wrists, which her hand didn’t even fit around.
He was definitely going to need to show her better ways of removing someone’s hands from her body.
“Wait, you’re not breaking up with me?”
Ranger tried, and failed, to keep the amusement out of his voice. “Nope, but I’m pretty sure you’re trying to break up with me.”
“I’m not!” she said hastily, immediately moving forward again on his lap. “I’m not. I thought… I just assumed…”
“Toni, you said it yourself. I’m in recovery. I’m only a hundred and twenty-five days sober. This was my second meeting today. Both yesterday and today have been…” Ranger’s jaw ticked. “Bad days.”
“Because of me?” she asked.
“Because of me,” he corrected sternly. “Toni, you’re the one thing that’s holding me together right now. I don’t feel worthy of being here with you, but I can’t seem to let you go.”
She stared down at him in the dark, settling herself over his groin again.
“How long… I mean, you don’t have to tell me, but you can.
” Then she seemed to change her mind and sat up straighter.
“No, actually, you do need to tell me. If we’re actually contemplating something beyond sex between us, then you need to tell me.
You know so much about me. You know what I did last night, and I have no doubt that your tech guy looked me up because you knew my name is ‘Antonia’, instead of ‘Antoinette’ or even ‘Tonya’.
You know so much, and I know nothing about you.
Hell, I only just learned your name is ‘Liam’, but I don’t know your last name or anything else about you.
I don’t even know if you dye your hair like that or if it’s natural, though I’m assuming natural because of your eyes.
We’ve had sex three times and you’ve never taken off your pants.
Do you realize that? I’ve never even seen you fully naked!
Hell, I’ve never seen your dick! But you know everything about me. ”
Ranger swallowed hard. He knew he could make a joke about her long rambling complaints. Six months ago, he would have. The dick joke was right there, and she’d set it up for him perfectly.
But none of this was a joking matter. There was nothing funny about his story or the answers he owed her.
“Heroin,” he said flatly. “I’m addicted to heroin, and I will tell you everything because I am serious about wanting there to be an us, Toni.
But it’s not an easy conversation, nor is it one that I’ve actually shared in its entirety before.
Others know some, but the only person who knows all is my sister—because she was there.
I do want to tell you everything, but not here.
” He gestured around them to the borrowed cage they were in. “Will you come with me?”
Toni nodded, but also asked, “Where?”
“Back to Mount Grove. I can call someone to come with us if you want.”
Her face scrunched in confusion. “Why would I want that?”
“In case you want to leave, but you don’t want it to be with me.”
But Toni shook her head. “If this conversation is as heavy as you say it is going to be, then I don’t want an audience. I’ll hear you out, and then you need to listen to what I still have to tell you. And at the end, if we both still want there to be an us, we’ll make that decision then.”
Ranger leaned up, bringing her face down to his. He took her lips, hard and fast, pouring everything he could say into the kiss. “Thank you for being so brave. If you want to stop at any time, just say the word, and I’ll bring you anywhere you want to go.”
Toni nodded. “Am I following you?”
“We’ll take my bike. I’ll have a couple prospects come to get Sophia’s cage for her.”
Toni’s cheeks darkened in the dim light. “You can’t have them come get her car! It reeks of sex! I have to clean it, sanitize it! Maybe even buy her a gift basket or something.”
Ranger chuckled. “Trust me, by now, the entire club knows what we were doing. Specs isn’t known for his secret-keeping skills.”
Toni groaned, dropping her head down onto his chest. “Just great. Now the whole club thinks I’m a total slut?—”