Chapter 10 #2
Toni missed her pillow. She didn’t travel much, but when she did, she always took her pillow with her.
Now she was regretting not asking Ghost to get her pillow instead of her briefcase.
Then again, it wasn’t like she couldn’t go back or couldn’t ask for something else from her house.
Even with working that day, and the fact that she’d had sex with Ranger again, and going to the town’s old jail before hiking through the woods, plus the emotional rollercoaster of everything he confided in her, Toni wasn’t sure if she was more surprised or not surprised at all that she wasn’t able to sleep.
Stupid pillow.
Normally, it was very easy for her to compartmentalize.
Work stayed at work, and very rarely traveled home with her.
Yet, she couldn’t get her mind to stop replaying everything Ranger had told her.
While with him, it was very easy to get wrapped up in the moment, the romance of it all.
Now in the dark of her room in this safe house of a trailer, she couldn’t stop analyzing everything.
Ranger—Liam—was a heroin addict. Did she really want to get involved with another addict in her life?
Look how the last two had turned out. She’d killed one and the other was somewhere unknown.
She was barely holding herself together over the guilt, sorrow, and turmoil of her parents’ relapse.
And now she was thinking of inviting another addict into her life?
But unlike her parents, Ranger hadn’t chosen his addiction.
He’d never woken up one day and decided that he was going to try heroin for the hell of it.
Then again, she was too young to remember or know how her parents’ addiction had started.
From what she understood, they’d been making meth and selling it before they were using, too.
And did that detail really matter? Did the why they started using matter more than the fact that they’d started using?
With their toddler daughter in the apartment?
Toni did not want to glorify Ranger’s addiction. There was nothing good or righteous about it, even if he had become addicted for a noble cause. He’d saved his sister’s life, and the life of his unborn niece or nephew. Ranger was a good person. He was strong and gallant…and he was also a murderer.
Could Toni be with someone who had murdered his assaulters? Then again, maybe could wasn’t the question she needed to ask. Maybe should was. Should Toni be with a murderer?
Her gut reaction was yes, the same as it had been in the woods. What Ranger had done was just, but it wasn’t justice. His actions were archaic and extrajudicial. She knew this argument well, having studied it extensively in college and law school.
Hammurabi’s Code, circa 1754 B.C., was established as one of the earliest written legal systems, based on the principle of lex talionis, the law of retaliation.
It was where the common phrase ‘an eye for an eye’ came from, where the punishment mirrors the crime in kind and severity.
You murder someone’s father and they get to murder yours.
Cameron and Ritchie had kidnapped him and Becks, tortured him systematically, forced addiction on him, sexually assaulted him, murdered four innocent people, endangered an unborn child, and had been trying to steal an inheritance that wasn’t theirs.
Under lex talionis, what Ranger had done to them in return was arguably proportional.
They took from him—his body, his autonomy, his safety—and so he took from them.
Everything. The punishment fit the crime by those ancient standards.
But this wasn’t ancient times. Modern society was supposed to have risen beyond such archaic and brutal lawlessness.
Modern criminal law rejected lex talionis specifically because it placed justice in the hands of the aggrieved party, which was inherently compromised and created cycles of retaliation rather than resolution.
It had been proven time and time again that victims cannot be objective.
Which was why there was due process, which forced an evidentiary standard, burden of proof, and the right to appeal.
Punishments then would not exceed the crime, as they would if administered by someone acting from pain and rage.
The state held a monopoly on legitimate violence for exactly this reason, to prevent retaliation on a scale like Ranger had administered.
As a defense attorney, Toni had spent her career arguing within the system. Even when the system failed and the guilty walked free or when prosecutors twisted evidence that condemned an innocent person, she believed in the framework of their judicial system. Because the alternative was chaos.
And yet…
The system had failed Ranger and Becks before it even had a chance to try.
The chances that Cameron and Ritchie would have been arrested were low.
Not when the evidence was so complicated.
Ranger would have been a compromised witness.
Beyond that, juries were notoriously biased against “druggies”, which was all they would likely see when they looked at Ranger.
The club’s involvement would also have been exposed, and the inheritance motive could easily be argued away or buried.
The system existed to protect the innocent—but who protected the innocent when the system couldn’t or wouldn’t?
Ritchie had been an attorney. There was a good chance that he’d covered their tracks—and he would have known the loopholes to do it.
Beyond that, there was no guarantee, even with Becks’ testimony, that Ritchie and Cameron wouldn’t have walked.
Rubbing her temples, Toni wanted to scream. She understood Ranger’s actions, but could she ignore them?
Reaching for her phone, she saw that she’d missed a text message from Ranger from a couple hours ago after he’d dropped her off.
Liam: Night, Antonia.
Crap. Toni turned her phone off and rested it on her chest over her racing heart. He should not have this sort of effect on her. All he’d done was literally type out her full name. Why was that so fucking sexy? It shouldn’t be! Toni had avoided her full name most of her life.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. What was she supposed to do?
How could she walk into a courtroom again knowing what Ranger had done?
Reporting him wasn’t an option—and not just because Cameron and Ritchie were buried right next to her father, whom she had killed.
It wasn’t about blackmail or two wrongs making a right.
She understood Ranger’s actions. Hell, she sympathized with them.
But that was the whole problem! While she wasn’t under a legal obligation to report anything she’d learned tonight, wasn’t she under a moral one?
How could she call herself a lawyer, a voice for the people in the judicial system, when she was breaking her oath to uphold the Constitution and conduct herself with integrity?
Ranger clearly had a hold over her. If anyone else had confessed Ranger’s crimes to her, she was very confident that she wouldn’t be having this silent debate while blaming a borrowed pillow for her inability to sleep.
She lifted her phone again.
Toni: I know you’re asleep right now, but I need to get this off my chest. I have been going round and round in my head, trying to figure out what I want vs.
what I should do. & I can’t even compare our two situations.
What you did, it was out of selflessness.
Everything was to protect your family. I cannot say the same.
I could have faced what I did and believe in the system I have spent my entire career justifying—but instead, I called the club.
That wasn’t selflessness, but selfishness.
We are not the same. I can’t condone what you did, Liam, but I understand it.
Hell, I probably understand what you did more than what I did.
I’m not sure what it means for my future as an attorney (that’s a completely other moral dilemma that requires more brainpower than I’m currently capable of) but I know what it means for my future with you—and it changes nothing.
My decision to be with you remains the same.
If you’ll have a selfish woman like me, that is.
Toni didn’t even have time to close her phone before a response came through.
Liam: I haven’t had a chance to read all this, but if you call yourself selfish one more time, I will come down there and spank you.
Toni: Why are you awake?
There was no way he hadn’t been awake and already on his phone with the speed of his reply.
Liam: Was watching porn while masturbating to thoughts of you. Now shush, I’m going back to read your first message.
Toni laughed, while also feeling her cheeks heat. She honestly had no idea if he was joking or not, which only made her laugh harder.
Liam: Wow, and here I took you to be a smart person.
Toni bristled.
Toni: What is that supposed to mean?
Liam: Selfish?? Seriously? Baby, what happened to you and the choices you made were not selfish! They were survival. You were put into an awful situation and you reacted. That’s not selfish—that’s human!
Toni: Fine. I’m a selfish human then.
Liam: I’m already in trouble with my sister for breaking curfew. For her sake, you better not make me come down there.
Despite the guilt she felt about making Becks worry, Toni chuckled at that statement.
Toni: I will yield this argument for her health and mental safety.
Liam: Thank you.
Toni: Did you really get in trouble with her?
Liam: Yeah, but I can’t exactly blame her.
Toni cringed, recalling Ranger’s story about his relapse and stay in rehab. She knew he carried a lot of guilt over his actions four months ago.
Toni: You can’t blame yourself either.
Liam: Pot, meet kettle.
Toni: Touché.
Toni: I wish I knew where my mom was. I feel like if I could just find her, I’d have all the answers to what happened.