Chapter 16 Marla #2
It sent hope shooting through my veins.
His hand settled onto the small of my back and his thumb mindlessly smoothed side to side.
Side to side. Side to side. It was a rhythmic sensation.
One that had my eyes feeling heavy and my body sinking a bit into his.
For a moment, I forgot where I was. For a moment, I forgot that my body was practically splayed over top of a man.
It wasn’t until I felt a growing dampness in between my legs that my eyes popped back open.
Maybe I’m just sweating in the basketball shorts. This material doesn’t always breathe.
At least, that’s what I told myself.
“You okay?” Ranger asked in a whisper.
I nodded softly against his chest. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
“Do you need anything else from me?”
There was a sincerity to his voice that went past just ‘let me touch you more.’ And after so long of experiencing the disgustingly nefarious activities of men for the last few months of my life, there was such a relief in feeling a man’s touch that didn’t hurt.
That wasn’t out to maim, or rape, or injure.
It almost felt like I was in control of my body again.
Almost, anyway.
“I kind of want to check my thighs,” I whispered back to him.
His hand stilled against the lower part of my back. “I can check if you want to, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
I allowed my eyes to fall closed again. “The reason why I’m comfortable with asking is because I know you believe that way. But I can’t look in a mirror yet, Ranger. I can barely look in your bathroom mirror when washing my hands. I have to know, though. I have to know what they did to my body.”
I felt him nod and when I peeked up at him, I found him still staring at the ceiling.
His gaze, practically studious in its concentration.
His hands gripped my ass cheeks, hoisting me up his body until my legs practically draped around his waist. My face tucked its way into the crook of his neck, and I couldn’t help but chuckle.
“What?” he asked as he met my chuckle with one of his own.
“Your beard tickles.”
He snickered softly as his hands started at my shoulders.
He slid them down my back, as if he were making sure my body had every single opportunity to back out before he listened to my words.
His fingertips breached the band of the shorts again.
His hands slid along my ass cheeks, moving steadily closer to a place that was producing way too much heat.
And then, he skipped over it like it was nothing as his hands cupped the backs of my thighs.
“You okay?” he whispered.
I nodded against his chest and squeezed my eyes closed.
His hands massaged my thighs. I felt his fingertips dip in between them, and I tried to ignore the moisture gathering against my skin down there. I swallowed hard as his fingertips traced and explored. There was a distinctive heat that his touch left behind.
I didn’t hate it.
“You’ve got a few,” he whispered back, “on both thighs. It’s hard to count them, though. They’re not long or anything. More like knicks and scrapes that were a little too deep.”
My lower lip quivered and I sniffled.
How many fucking marks did they leave on me?
Was there anything about my body that looked like it did months ago?
“Oh,” I whispered as my lip trembled.
“You’re okay,” he said softly before I felt a warmth pressing down on top of my head. “I gotcha. You’re safe.”
Did he just… kiss the top of my head?
“I wonder how bad they are,” I said, keeping our conversation low.
“I could take a look if you’re comfortable with that.”
My entire body froze at the notion.
“Ssshhh, sh, sh, sh,” he whispered softly as his hands returned to stroking up and down my clothed back. “Sssshhh. We aren’t doing anything you aren’t giving explicit permission for. Okay?”
“Yeah, yeah,” I said breathlessly.
Quickly.
Like I was trying to convince myself that he was right.
“Everything is aaaall right,” he muttered into my hair.
“I just…”
The words got stuck in my throat.
“Take your time,” he whispered.
I was glad we dropped back to the whispering. “I just don’t wanna accidentally see myself. You know? I’m just not ready for that.”
“Well,” he whispered as his fingertips trailed up the extent of my spine, “if you want, we could turn off the lights. Let the light from my desktops add a little glow to the room.”
I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. “I mean, will all of your desktops be on? What if I turn my head and catch a reflection?”
I felt so stupid even asking.
Why did I have such a hangup over this?
“I’ve got a sleep mask, if that would help,” he said as his hand came up and cupped the back of my head.
I nuzzled mindlessly against his chest, feeling the hair beneath his shirt.
I wondered what his chest hair would feel like on my cheek.
“That way,” he whispered, continuing on when I didn’t protest, “we could keep the lights on, if you’d like, and you still wouldn’t risk catching a reflection somewhere.”
On the one hand, it was a foolproof plan.
Bright light if something happened and I had to snatch it off.
But on the other hand, I was used to the darkness.
Bright lights were still so harsh on my eyes, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to have that good of a look at my body.
I wanted scars counted and described, I didn’t want him seeing everything.
You sound so fucking stupid.
I whimpered at the voice running through my head before I felt his fingers thread through my hair.
“We don’t have to do anything,” he reminded me. “Nothing at all. You know this, right?”
I had to know, though.
I had to know what they left behind on my body.
I just couldn’t do it myself.
“The blindfold and the light from your computers sounds good,” I whispered.
He paused. “You sure?”
I nodded softly. The truth of the matter was, I trusted him.
Even when he didn’t know my name, he knew how to treat me.
How to strum me perfectly. He knew how to calm me down, he jumped at every opportunity to do things like get me food and blankets, and he never once turned me down for something that I asked for.
This was the most hesitant he ever was, and it was less hesitation and more of a ‘checking for boundaries’ kind of thing.
At least, that was what it felt like.
“Yeah, I’m sure,” I finally whispered out.
Because even though my body was already freaking out, I knew he wouldn’t hurt me.
And that would just have to be enough, because my curiosity ran rampant.
I had to know what they did to me.
I had to know what they left behind.