6. Hope
6
HOPE
A s Vaughn shut off the water, my heart reeled from the horrific story of his captivity. The awful things he’d endured. My God, it hurt to think about.
Without even getting a towel, he took me by the hand and led me to the bedroom at a fast clip.
“Wait,” I said. “Do you want to try touch desensitization again?”
Repeated exposure to skin-on-skin touch was the only way Vaughn could overcome his dread. It hadn’t ended well the last time we’d tried, and he’d been dead set against further attempts, for fear of harming me. Maybe opening up to me with his story had emboldened him to give it another shot.
“Uh-huh.” Vaughn dropped my hand to rummage through the side pocket of his duffel bag.
“Right now?” My voice lifted in surprise.
“Yeah.” He shrugged, and water droplets cascaded down the grooves of his muscular back. “Why not?”
“I don’t know. I just thought?—”
Vaughn spun and handed me something. A zip tie. I frowned. “What’s this for? ”
“For me.” He took another tie and made short work of looping it around his wrists and pulling it taut with his teeth.
Then it dawned on me what he wanted. Vaughn’s bright idea was to restrain himself while I touched him, but I wasn’t convinced it was a great plan at all.
I held the unused zip tie in my hands. “Are you sure about this?”
“No. But at least you’ll be safe.” He lay on the bed and gestured me closer.
I moved toward him cautiously. Not because I was scared, but because I knew how difficult this would be for him.
Vaughn raised his hands above his head until his wrists aligned with the wooden headboard. Bracing one knee on the mattress beside him, I looped my tie through his and secured it to one of the slats.
My eyes met Vaughn’s. “You could probably bust out of this in seconds.”
“You’re right, but if you see me working to get rid of the tie, you back the hell away. If you move out of range, I won’t come after you and hurt you, but if you’re within arm’s reach, it could end badly.”
I sat next to him on the bed, still naked and with wet hair dripping down my back. Vaughn’s chest rose and fell with each deep lungful of air he drew. Handing over total control terrified him, but what if there was a way for me to give some back?
Better yet, what if there was a way to remind him how good it could feel to be touched?
“Do you remember what you said earlier about you calling the shots in the bedroom?” I asked.
Vaughn frowned. “Gatita, if you’re about to make me eat my words, you’ve chosen a shitty time to do it.”
“I wasn’t going to do that.” I fixed him with a hard stare. “I was going to suggest that you keep being your usual bossy self and tell me exactly what you want me to do.” Slowly, I let my eyes move to his thick cock so he understood the nature of my proposal. “I’ll touch you anywhere you ask me to. It doesn’t have to be your scars right away, and it doesn’t have to be with my hands.” He needed loosening up, and I could think of a few crafty ways to go about that. I’d never given a blow job before, but by God, I was ready to give it a red-hot go with Vaughn. “I could be your obedient good girl like I was earlier tonight.”
My gaze met Vaughn’s again, and his throat bobbed as he swallowed, but the way he licked his lips made me think he wasn’t so terrified anymore.
“But if you’d rather we keep this session professional, I can put my clothes on.” I went to stand, but Vaughn hooked a leg around my waist, holding me in place.
“Fuck, no. Sit your ass down. I need your pussy on my cock and those gorgeous tits in my face to remind me of my goal.”
A playful smile formed on my lips. “Tell me about this goal of yours.”
“I just—” Again, he swallowed deeply, then closed his lids for a second. “I just want to be near you without worrying that I might hurt you.”
At his heartfelt words, something tightened beneath my ribs. I’d thought Vaughn would make a dirty comment about the things I could do with my hands if I were free to touch him. It was wrong of me to assume this had anything to do with his future pleasure.
Because he wasn’t proposing to go through this fresh torture to make life better for himself.
He was doing this for me .
From the moment we’d met, Vaughn had only ever been concerned with my safety and well-being.
He continued, “It was bad enough when I bruised your wrists. Anything worse and I couldn’t live with myself.”
“I know.” Boy, did I know. He’d been in a funk for days after that incident .
“Hey.” Vaughn squeezed my belly with his leg, and his expression gentled. “Thank you. Allowing me to direct things will help. Whether this is a success or not, you giving me a safe space to try means more than you know.”
“Stop it.” I blinked rapidly when moisture pooled in my eyes. “You know I can’t handle it when you’re sweet.”
“You’re in luck, because things are about to get thoroughly degrading.”
There he was. My devilish beast had returned.
“Go stand at the foot of the bed.” He released me from the cage of his leg, and I rose to follow his first order.
I cast my gaze over every inch of him. He looked delicious lying there, waiting for me with his inked warrior’s body and sharp jaw covered in black stubble.
Vaughn lowered his chin, and his dark eyes sent a quiver of anticipation through me. “Crawl to me. Slowly. ”
I raised one brow. “It’s going to be like that, is it?”
“Do I need to remind you that I can free myself from these zip ties?” His biceps flexed as he gently tugged on his restraints.
I shook my head and stalked toward him, then froze with one knee and one hand on the bed. “Enjoy my compliance while you can, Grim.”
“I intend to.” Then the smart-ass smirked and adjusted his position as though getting comfortable for a show.
I made my way to him leisurely, doing my best to look sexy. Anything to distract him from what we were actually trying to achieve.
Kneeling between Vaughn’s thighs, dangerously close to the hard length resting against his abs, I held my breath in anticipation of his next instruction.
“Touch yourself.” His gravelly voice delivered a tremor straight to my core.
Under his intense gaze, my breasts felt full and heavy. I squeezed them, rolling my nipples between my fingertips until they became firm.
“Now your pussy. Show me how wet you are for me.”
I let one hand trail down my body until it reached the apex of my thighs, then parted my folds.
“Open your legs wider,” Vaughn said. “I want to see everything.”
Still toying with one breast, I spread my knees and pushed one finger inside myself, then another.
“Fuck,” Vaughn growled. “You’re making my dreams come true right now.”
I used the wetness from my center to tease my clit, and a needy moan escaped me.
“Goddamn, if I expire in this moment, I’ll die a happy man.”
“I can think of a way to make you happier.” I aimed a hungry stare at his dick while nibbling on my lip.
“Gatita, do you want to put my cock in your mouth?”
“Yes.” I nodded, and my inner walls tightened around my fingers. I wanted to touch him, to taste him. I needed to know what sounds he’d make when I wrapped my lips around his girth and took him as far as I could.
“Do it,” he said, his voice low and raspy.
The intense look in his eyes told me he was hanging on by a thread, and nothing excited me more than Vaughn when he was seconds from losing control. That I created such unrestrained desire in this formidable man gave me a heady feeling.
But I’d never done this before. I wasn’t even sure how to start. Should I take it slowly, or did I just go at it with enthusiasm and try to swallow him whole? Oh my God. What did I do with my teeth?
My trepidation must’ve shown on my face, because Vaughn said, “You’re overthinking it.”
“It’s just…I don’t want to ruin this moment by making my first blow job memorable for all the wrong reasons. ”
“Impossible.”
I wasn’t so sure about that. Everything I knew about going down on a guy came from either watching porn or reading spicy books, neither of which were reliable sources for a beginner.
These concerns flurried through my mind, but Vaughn fidgeted like now that I’d planted the idea of a blow job in his head, he was eager to move things along. “Gatita, in the last week, you have no idea how often I’ve thought about you licking me, sucking me, teasing me to the point of insanity, and taking me to the back of your throat. I’ve even fantasized about what your teeth will feel like as you learn how to handle me. So trust me. Anything you do will be perfect.”
Vaughn was right. I was being silly, and the only person setting expectations for my performance was me. I wouldn’t let my inexperience get in the way of enjoying this.
But also, wow . He’d really been giving this some serious consideration.
I tilted my head. “It’s amazing that you have space for meaningful thoughts when there’s so much filth going on inside your head.”
“Woman?” he grumbled.
“Yes, Grim?” I smiled innocently because testing Vaughn’s patience when he was all worked up was far too enjoyable.
“Put your mouth on me before I snap these zip ties and give you a lesson in sucking dick that you’ll never forget.”
Okay. Not hating that idea.
But it would disrupt our plans to work on Vaughn’s touch phobia, so he’d have to play teacher another day.
Here goes nothing.
I wrapped my hand around him and swirled my tongue over the crown, surprised by the saltiness of the clear bead of fluid at the tip. Vaughn sucked in a sharp breath, so I continued exploring, lapping at every bulging vein and firm ridge along his hard length. Then I closed my mouth around him, only a little at first. Emboldened by Vaughn’s relieved moan, I took him farther, moving up and down his shaft, going deeper with each pass.
“Your hot little mouth feels like pure heaven.”
I glanced up to find Vaughn’s dark eyes mesmerized by my actions.
He offered me more soft words of encouragement as I tried different things and discovered what he liked. I couldn’t fit all of him in my mouth. My man was big, and I was pretty certain swallowing his whole dick required skills this novice didn’t possess. But based on the sounds Vaughn made and the way his hips thrust with each bob of my head, I figured I was doing all right.
And as my confidence rose, so did the realization that I really liked going down on Vaughn. He was all smooth skin and pulsing hardness. With my mouth full of him, I hummed my appreciation, letting him know I was as into this as he was.
“That’s enough.” He shifted his hips, and his cock sprang free from my mouth.
I sat up with lips puffy from use and brushed my hair from my face. “Was it okay?”
Vaughn shimmied back until he rested against the headboard, his bound wrists now propped behind his head. “You were perfect.” He breathed heavily. “So perfect that I was moments from coming down your throat, and I don’t want that. Not tonight, at least.”
Seeing Vaughn a little flustered, knowing I’d been the one to push him to the edge, made me feel brave. So I crawled over him slowly, careful not to touch his scarred skin, until I straddled his hips with my soaked and aching-to-be-filled pussy hovering right above his hard cock.
“And what do you want tonight?” I asked .
“I want you with your hands on the headboard,” he said brusquely, so I did as I was told.
From this point on, there was no clear way to proceed. Scars covered Vaughn’s arms, legs, and torso. If I made one wrong move, he could spiral into a panic attack or worse. He could lose control.
I didn’t miss the sudden hesitation in Vaughn’s unblinking eyes. It made me wonder if he might call this all off.
Even if we didn’t go any further tonight, our attempt was a win. The fact that he wanted to work toward recovery was a monumental leap in progress.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
He nodded while his brow knitted with determination. “Kiss me.”
Perhaps he needed something familiar and reassuring to calm his anxiety. So I pressed my lips to his, gently at first. But Vaughn demanded more, parting the seam of my mouth with his tongue.
He pressed his forehead to mine. “Need to be inside you. Line me up.”
I took hold of him and rubbed the tip of his cock through my wetness. When I glanced at Vaughn, his eyes were firmly fixed on where his glistening head met my lips.
“Lower yourself onto me slowly. I want to see you take every inch.”
“Jesus, Vaughn. When you talk like that, it makes me not want to go slow at all.” But I’d deny my urges and do exactly as Vaughn said, because I needed him to remember that he was the one in control despite the zip ties around his wrists.
I bore down on him inch by devastating inch.
“That’s it,” he said, keeping his focus on the way I moved up and down to work him inside my body. “Such a good fucking girl, doing what you’re told. ”
Once I was seated, I leaned back, basking in the feeling of fullness.
His heated gaze traveled my body before his dark eyes met mine. “Do it.” He gave me a sharp nod. “Touch me.”
We’d cleared so many hurdles to reach this point, but not once had I laid my bare hands on Vaughn’s scars without it all going wrong. Would it be too much for him? I wanted him to overcome his phobia more than anything, but if this went badly, it would leave him shattered.
I extended one arm toward his chest and paused when he tensed.
“Keep going,” he said through gritted teeth.
No. I didn’t want it to be like this. He was concentrating so hard on facing his fear that it was consuming him.
Time for a little dirty distraction.
I rocked my hips over Vaughn’s, grinding against him. Each pass sent tingles shooting through me, and I eased into my movements. I’d never had sex this way before, but lord have mercy, it felt so right.
Vaughn made a low noise in his throat, and his head dropped back against the headboard. “You riding me while I can’t touch you might be the sweetest agony I’ve ever endured.”
His eyes returned to mine, and all I saw in them was hunger. With our gazes locked on each other and our bodies connected, moving together, I reached for Vaughn again.
His flinch when my palms landed on his hard, tattooed pecs was barely perceptible. A second later, he relaxed, and profound relief crossed his features.
If I had to guess, I’d say he’d been terrified of that first touch. But he hadn’t lost himself to panic. He’d hardly reacted at all.
He thrust into me from below, propelling me forward so I had to brace myself on his chest. My eyes widened in surprise .
A wicked grin curved Vaughn’s lips. “Keep fucking me like that and you can touch me anywhere you want.”
“Anywhere?” I asked.
He nodded, so I let my hands drift over the broad expanse of his chest, learning each scar now that they were so vivid beneath my fingertips. It was difficult not to let my mind wander to the awful way they’d been carved into his flesh, but they were as much a part of Vaughn as my scars were of me. I wouldn’t want him thinking about that night with Alvarez every time he touched my cheek, and certainly not in the middle of sex, so I pushed all troubling thoughts from my mind.
“Lean forward,” Vaughn said roughly, and when I did, he latched onto my breast with his mouth.
He flicked my nipple with his tongue, then sucked on the rigid peak, sending a jolt of electricity straight to my core. I cried out from the sensations coursing through me and used Vaughn’s thick forearms to support myself. The muscles there felt so hard. So powerful. No wonder he was concerned about accidentally hurting me. He could probably snap a guy twice my size in two.
He released my breast to plunder my mouth. How was it possible that this man could dominate and overwhelm me so thoroughly while his hands were tied?
“Now, touch yourself, Gatita, and ride me till you come.”
So I did. I shifted one hand to his chest and the other to my clit, and I moved my hips over his again and again.
I could’ve been self-conscious about my lack of sexual experience or the wet noises filling the room as our bodies collided, but I wasn’t. All I cared about was the look of absolute craving on Vaughn’s face and the intense feeling building within me.
My heartbeat thundered. My legs quaked. My clit ached with my impending climax. I rubbed faster, chasing that feeling, until my movements turned erratic .
“That’s it,” Vaughn growled. “Let me see you come on my cock.”
It was those filthy words that sent me tumbling into oblivion. I clung to Vaughn’s shoulders, anchoring myself to him as I wrung out every last shudder of my orgasm. Driving into me from below, Vaughn made a harsh sound and found his own release.
Exhausted, sweaty, and completely satisfied, I rested my face in the crook of his neck while we both recovered. I’d leave the bed and find something to cut him free soon, but for now, I needed to stay near my man.
I was proud of him. So damn proud that a knot formed in my throat and unshed tears turned my vision blurry.
Vaughn’s state of mind had been key to things going well. Nothing had penetrated the wall of us . No intrusive thoughts of our current troubles and definitely none of the past. Just the two of us connected as closely as any couple could be and utterly enthralled in the moment.
“Hold on a second,” Vaughn said.
His torso tensed beneath me, then a moment later, snap . As easy as that, he’d busted out of the zip tie and wrapped his arms around me. He maneuvered us into a spooning position, holding my wrists tucked against my chest. Which meant he still didn’t trust himself not to hurt me if my hands were free.
I sighed and reminded myself that although we’d just taken a big step, it was foolish to expect one night to result in an instant cure. I’d Googled it, and haphephobia didn’t work that way. Desensitization required repeated sessions with a favorable outcome before it could be considered a success.
But, God, it felt perfect being skin to skin and enclosed in Vaughn’s comforting embrace. It was a small glimpse into the future we might have. Late nights tangled in the sheets followed by lazy mornings cuddled in bed. I wanted it all so badly, but we still had so many challenges to face. Neither of us would truly be free until Vaughn had completely overcome his demons and my father was dead.
“Thank you,” I said.
“What for?” Vaughn chuckled, and his hot breath tickled my ear. “It’s me who should be thanking you.”
“For trusting me with your biggest fear. For letting me be the one to help you through something so difficult.”
He nuzzled my neck and pressed a kiss beneath my lobe. “Feels like it was always meant to be you. I know that sounds dumb, but?—”
My chest tightened at Vaughn’s words because I sensed our deep connection, too. “It doesn’t sound dumb.” I glanced over my shoulder to look him in the eyes. “Not at all.”
From the moment we’d met, I’d harbored an inexplicable feeling that Vaughn would play a significant role in my life. Even on that first night, when he’d dropped me off at home and I’d thought I’d never see him again, watching Vaughn’s taillights fade into the distance had caused me an unnatural level of sadness. And no matter how hard we’d tried to push each other away during those early days, we were like two opposing poles of a magnet being drawn back to one another.
Genetics, phobias, cartel wars. Hell, even our own stubbornness.
None of those things could tear us apart.