16. Ember
EMBER
BE GOOD – ROSEBURG
The shower’s warm spray beats down on me as I stare at the draining water. Despite standing here for an eternity, I’ve yet to find a speck of courage to face what lies ahead. After my meeting with Richards in a few hours, I have to face Gracie’s parents.
It’s a heartbreaking, full circle moment I’ve avoided since I returned to England. No amount of mental pep talks will make this any easier. If Gracie’s alive and we’re going after her, they deserve to know, regardless of the outcome.
“Em? You nearly done?”
Through the steamy glass, I can make out a purple-hued blur. “Not even remotely.”
“I’ve got your meds and coffee waiting. Hyland’s on breakfast duty.”
“The others?”
“Madden stepped out a while ago to make a phone call, I think. And Warner’s in his office, checking in with Tom’s medical team.”
My forehead rests against the tiled wall, already throbbing with a headache. It’s been a permanent feature behind my eyes ever since my recent seizure.
“Dimples?”
After a beat, the shower door creaks. A stray tear leaks from my eye as Axel appraises me—naked, dripping with rose-scented shower gel and boasting yellow splotches where my body is still healing.
“Hey.” Axel forces a bright smile. “Talk to me?”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Just tell me how you’re feeling.”
“I’m not ready for today,” I confess after a beat. “I can’t face Gracie’s mum and dad after leaving her there all alone.”
“We’ve been over this. You didn’t leave her anywhere.”
“Do you think they’ll see it that way?”
“They’re fucking idiots if they don’t see it that way.”
Head lowered, I run my fingertips over the wet, gnarly skin that brands the crease of my elbow. 768. I know Axel’s right. Deep down, I didn’t have a choice. That doesn’t lessen the guilt that’s been eating me alive for months, though.
I’m determined to hold it together after one too many meltdowns of late. That mental promise splinters apart when Axel steps into the shower, uncaring about his low-slung pyjama bottoms.
He tugs me into his bare chest, banding two heavily inked arms tight around my shivering torso. I snuggle into his tattooed skin, letting the soothing water cascade over us.
“Gael thinks he can break our team with these mind games.” He kisses the side of my head. “It’s your job not to let him. We’ll find Gracie on our own terms and end this for good.”
“What if it’s too late?”
“If he’s sending us those photos, then she’s still alive. Wherever she is, we’ll find her. You get to bring her home to her family.”
“Don’t do that.” I peer at him.
“Do what?” He drags the back of his knuckles down my cheek.
“Don’t give me hope.”
“Hope is what sustains us, babe. Hope keeps us alive when everything seems so fucking bleak, it feels like there’s no way out. Without hope, we’re all just waiting for fate to arrive and praying it’s kind.”
Looking up, I peer into his uncut, honey jewels. It’s rare to see Axel serious. Solemn, even. But when he reveals the poet’s heart he keeps hidden behind layers of hyperactive energy, it reminds me how hard he performs for the world.
“Damn. Sometimes you’re too smart for your own good, Ax.”
“Don’t tell anyone. I have a reputation to maintain.”
“Your secret’s safe with me.”
Axel swipes amethyst hair from his eyes, left long to maintain his faux hawk. His smile fades when he sees the moisture that’s burning my eyes.
“What is it?”
“Gracie’s parents… What if they hate me?” I manage to whisper the question that’s been eating me up inside.
He shakes his head with a patient smile. “You did the best you could to keep their baby alive. How could they ever hate you?”
“I still failed her.”
“No.” He nudges my nose with his. “The world failed you both.”
“They may not see it that way.”
Fingers comb through my hair, pushing snarled strands back from my face so he can search every inch. I lose myself in the roiling, golden expanse of his expressive orbs, full of determination.
“You don’t have to face them today. No one is going to force you, but if I’m being honest, I think it’s time. You need to forgive yourself for what happened to Gracie.”
When I try to push him away, Axel tightly cups my face between his hands. Water sluices between us, sealing his inked chest to my naked breasts.
“What if I can’t do that?” My voice trembles.
“Then I’ll be right here every single day to remind you that you deserve to be forgiven until you believe it too.”
“You can’t do that.”
“Just fucking watch me.”
His mouth brushes over mine, sealing the declaration with a light, almost innocent kiss. Our lips linger, trading gentle pecks in the tiled oasis. His touch is a balm to the ball of dread growing inside me with each second.
When Axel’s hand dips to smooth down my spine, curling around my hip, a faint tingle flickers over me. His lips slant on mine, firm and attentive, ensuring I can’t spiral any deeper into my thoughts.
I take the lifeline he’s offering with open arms, deepening the kiss by sliding my tongue into his mouth. He happily accepts, filling my senses with the taste of freshly brewed morning coffee as our tongues dance a slow waltz.
Then the fear creeps back in.
The dread. The guilt.
No. I want to forget.
Reaching behind me, I flick the shower off then place my hands on Axel’s bare shoulders to walk him backwards. He grunts faintly, letting me steer him from the walk-in shower and back out into the steamy bathroom.
The tingle under my skin has grown into a sizzling spark that consumes every thought. I hungrily peck his lips, needing more reassurance to stop myself from falling back into the bottomless pit I’m rapidly drowning in.
He breaks the kiss to clasp my chin. “I didn’t come in here for this.”
“That’s too bad.”
“Em—”
“I need to feel you, Ax. Please.”
“Shit, babe. You know I can’t take your begging.”
“Then stop arguing, and give me what I need.”
“I don’t want to take advantage,” he mutters.
“I’m giving you full permission to distract me from the hellish day ahead.”
Knocking his hand aside, I stroke the dark stubble that’s formed on his baby face, ensuring he can see my certainty. Axel visibly swallows, his bee-stung lips clamping shut on any more protests.
He huffs in surprise as I drop to my knees on the floor, ignoring the way they twinge on the hard bathroom tiles. Water chills on my skin while I tug down the waistband of his soaked pyjamas.
Axel watches me intently, a fascinating eagerness swirling in his bright gaze. He lets me strip the dripping cotton from his legs, unveiling powerful calves and bulging, muscular thighs that make my pulse thrum.
“You don’t sleep in boxers?” I gulp.
“No,” he replies gruffly.
His long, thick cock is eye-level with me. Already firm and deliciously twitching, the red tip drips with a beckoning droplet of pre-come that’s begging to be licked up.
“I want you to fuck my mouth.” I stare up at him through my lashes. “And I’m going to let you ride it until I can’t think of anything but your cock filling me up.”
“Jesus Christ, Em.”
Axel’s head is thrown back when I press a teasing, open-mouthed kiss to the side of his velvet shaft. He curses gutturally, a hand sliding into my wet hair, loosely holding me in place.
I glide my tongue along his steel, tasting each inch of promising heaven. His skin is hot and veiny, moisture spilling from the round tip as I swirl my thumb over the slit.
Taking him farther into my mouth, I love the uncontrolled sound he growls out. It’s all hedonistic pleasure and animal lust. His cock fills me up, already nudging the back of my throat.
“Fuck, Em. Fuck, fuck, fuck. That goddamn mouth of yours.”
My hand curls around the base, eagerly pumping in time to each deep suck. He tenses and jerks under my touch, his fingers tightening around my locks with each pull.
Even on my knees, letting him take my mouth with increasing roughness, the power is heady. I could demand anything. Axel’s putty in my hands and beholden to my mouth on him.
“Perfect, babe. You look so incredible right now.”
Slick heat gathers between my thighs from the thrill of working him over. Every gasp increases my satisfaction, causing my clit to pulsate between my clenched thighs. I’m wet. Needy. Aching to be touched.
Hips grinding in time to my movements, Axel pushes into my mouth at a steady pace, head tilted back and breath short. I keep my jaw slack so he can find his own rhythm, content to give him an illusion of control.
“That’s it. Take my cock, babe. Take every inch of me.”
My thighs push together again, core burning with the need to be relieved. I release his shaft then cup a handful of his soft balls instead, giving them the lightest of squeezes. He judders against me as a result.
“Shit! Yes!”
His thrusts change pace, growing longer and more frantic. Each time he pushes past my lips, I hold back a gag response. His cock is plunging deep into my mouth, teasing my throat with each hard pump.
My other hand lowers between my folded legs, easily locating my screaming bundle of nerves. I circle my clit while Axel uses my mouth, pushing down on the sensitive bud to find my own bliss.
Between his tight grip on my hair and the pressure on my tingling clit, I can feel myself growing wetter. I don’t just want to forget; I want him to take every last haunting thought from my mind and replace it with nothing but us. Right here, right now, in this room.
Twisting my head, I pop off his dick then lick around the tip, lavishing the butter-soft skin. Axel moans loudly, slackening his grip on my hair for a second before clenching it tight enough to make my eyes water.
I suck him back into my mouth, greedily inhaling every rock-hard inch. This time, I’m setting the pace. Fast. Punishingly determined. I want him to fall apart. To surrender for the pleasure only I can give him. I need to feel this control, this sense of immense power.