Prologue
Brealynn
Growing up in the trailer park on this side of town, is not for the faint of heart.
The gang violence, drug use and sex addiction always seem to try and pull you in, suffocating you under the water like being caught in a riptide.
Constantly trying to come up for air, but the waves tumble your body, scraping your flesh against the harsh sand until it recedes, leaving you battered and choking for air.
That’s what my life has been like since I was little.
Suffocating. My father left my mother to raise me alone.
Where he went—I have no idea. He’s probably better off somewhere far away from this mess, away from us.
Or got what he deserved for abandoning us.
I don’t really think about it much. He left us; left me.
One of the many boyfriends my mom’s had since then got her addicted to ice and blow.
Leaving me to basically raise myself. Now she’s always looking for her next hit or a dick to suck to get what she needs. It’s like I’m non-existent.
I barely made it through high school. The teachers knew a little bit about my living situation after I continuously came to school with bruises or ripped up clothes.
The counselor pulled me into her office one day, asking questions.
I told her some things that were going on, but not everything, and after that the teachers tried to help me in the areas I was struggling with so I could bring my grades up.
Once I graduated though, I knew I needed to get a job and save up enough money to get the hell out of this place.
I had to leave; I couldn’t live this life anymore.
Little did I know, waiting tables at the beach bar would lead me to a guy who I thought I’d love for the rest of my life. Wrong. Boy, was I so fucking wrong.
Koda pulled me into his trap, and it’s too late for me to leave now.
I do love him, but the love we have is unhealthy.
It’s toxic. More so for me than him. He turned out to be just as much of an addict as my mother, and when he’s high, he gets his rocks off by pushing me around.
I’m not sure when things took a turn and got this bad, but something kept me here, and I was already head over heels in love with him.
Love ha, I feel like I don’t even know the meaning of the word.
After working my ass off for two years straight, I managed to save enough money for a run-down food trailer Koda’s best friend's dad was selling. It gave me hope and felt like I was finally going to get my happily ever after. I could afford to get it fixed, and now I have it all set up at my favorite little spot on the beach, selling smoothies. Come on, who doesn’t want a cold smoothie after a surf or on a hot day at the beach?
It helps pay my bills, allows me to hide some extra cash and even though I try to help my mom out, I know she spends hers on dope.
Here I am trying to be the daughter who helps her mom get clean.
Can you really help someone if they don’t want to be helped?
She’s my mom, though. Maybe one day she will choose me over her addiction.
Surfing is my only outlet. It’s the one place I get to be free.
I started going to the beach alone years ago just to get away from it all.
I fell in with a crowd of surfers, and they taught me the basics.
Ever since then, this is where you will always find me.
Pushing myself to get better, and it may have taken a lot of wipeouts, but it was worth every one.
Banks, who was once Koda’s best friend, has burrowed his way into my morning routines.
He’s always showing up for morning surfs.
Surfing, sun and sand. He’s really been the only genuine friend I’ve had.
Sure, I’ve had girlfriends, but one look at Koda and they are ready to jump his bones.
Literally right in front of me, no fucks given.
So, I stick to friends who aren’t just trying to use me to get to him.
Banks always says I’m better than all this; that I’m a strong woman.
I don’t feel that way, though. Not when I can slowly feel myself submitting to the dark, letting the demons take over with every breath I take.
The girl I used to be and the girl I am now are two totally different people.
This place is fatal, at least it is for me. One day I’ll be far away from here, and I won’t care what happens with him or who he sticks his dick into. For now, I’m just trying to keep myself alive until that day comes. And once it does, I’m hightailing it out of here without a second glance.