Chapter 10 #2
“No, I’m a planner. The work I do is deliberate and planned and there’s a logic to it.” He liked it because his brother always caused chaos, and his work was the opposite of that. He could get lost in the reliability of the work. It was always the same with no surprises.
Gabriel grinned. “And you create beauty. Isn’t there a little bit of a dream in that?”
“I suppose so.”
Gabriel winked. “But you weren’t thinking about roses just now were you?”
“No.” His throat thickened and he had to clear it. “Am I strange?”
“For breeding roses, or for thinking about me?”
“Both.”
Gabriel picked up his hand and gently stroked each finger. “No. Strange is the client who would ask me to wear his wife’s dress.”
Edmund loved seeing Gabriel in a dress, and his hips moved involuntarily, thrusting against Gabriel’s thigh.
“You like that, don’t you?”
“Yes. Please tell me more.” He gulped, not understanding why he wanted this. It was torture but also relief, the way that Gabby’s story tore at his emotions, at his need.
“Once a week, every Tuesday evening, he would come to the club. He would get our four biggest men to dress in his footman’s uniforms, then he’d dress me in his wife’s gown.”
“He’d dress you.”
“Yes. He’d play at being a maid and would dress me, then he’d get the footmen to lie me on a table. He’d stand by my feet and watch as the footmen would take out their cocks and stroke themselves until they came all over his wife’s dress.”
Edmund was certain there was something broken inside him, because his body found Gabriel’s story incredibly arousing. He wanted to be one of those men, coming over Gabriel’s dress. He wanted to wash Gabriel afterwards, cleaning him and worshiping him. “He’d just watch?”
“No. While they were close to coming, he’d push the dress up to my waist and put his finger in my hole and he’d say, ‘Do you like that?’ Over and over again. And when they came, he’d smile and walk away.”
“He was degrading his wife.” Edmund found that idea completely unsettling, and his cockstand faded. Completely. He hadn’t realised that Gabriel’s work hadn’t been all pleasure.
“Yes, you have the truth of it.”
“And you didn’t mind?” Edmund minded very much and he wanted to ... he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do and then Gabriel shrugged as if it didn’t matter to him. Confusion left him uneasy.
“I wasn’t paid to have an opinion. I was paid to dress up and be the hole he needed.”
Edmund’s heart ached—for the woman who didn’t know this was happening, and for Gabriel who shrugged it off—he hadn’t known Gabriel’s work wasn’t as special as being with him was to Edmund. “Why did you tell me that?”
“Because you romanticized my work in saying you wished you’d met me there, but if you had we wouldn’t have this. If I was being paid, we wouldn’t have a connection. You’d be a job, and I need you to understand that this night hasn’t been work for me.”
Finally, Edmund understood. “We met at exactly the right time.”
“Yes.”
He whispered one last question, “Is it bad that I’m so curious?” He’d found it thrilling to hear about Gabriel’s work—some of it—or perhaps it was merely the idea that Gabriel knew exactly why this was good.
“No. I like that I can talk to you about it, that you haven’t made a fuss.”
Edmund was fairly certain that he had made a fuss. “I don’t understand. Do you want to talk about it or not?”
Gabriel made a noise that was almost a laugh.
“I don’t want to talk about my old job all the time, who does?
But I don’t mind a few questions because that’s better than pretending it never happened.
I do—” He paused and Edmund held his breath.
“—I do find it fascinating that you are aroused by the notion of me being with others.”
An uncomfortable heat traversed his body and he let out a strangled noise. “Is it wrong?”
“Gosh no. Is it wrong that I’m curious about your life and why you let your brother walk all over you?”
Edmund wanted to hide under the bed, but something in Gabriel’s gaze made him want to try and explain it.
“I’m not sure I’ll ever fully understand it either.
There are times when he makes me feel so important and useful, and other times when I feel degraded and useless.
Lately, it’s felt more like manipulation and it’s becoming more obvious?
” He wasn’t sure he was explaining this well.
“You used to be charmed by him?”
“Yes. You have no idea how charming he can be. He can be clever and funny and wise, and it feels like a privilege to stand beside him and be his brother, and then he can be so cutting, and it leaves you with this sense of displaced relief – pleased that he didn’t aim that nasty little joke at you.
I never understood why my father wanted to invite people to view my roses.
He’d always said it was to protect them, to make sure they were well-known, so they couldn’t be destroyed, but it made no sense, because who was going to destroy them?
And then, the first time my brother threatened them I couldn’t believe it, and later when I asked about it, he said that he’d never said that.
It was so confusing.” Edmund was rambling and he sucked in a deep breath. Gabriel cupped his cheek gently.
“Tell me more.”
“From then on, I paid more attention. At first I thought I’d been wrong, that I’d misheard him somehow but the niggling feeling wouldn't go away and I started to notice things. It was my fault that it took so long to notice. I was always focused on my roses...”
“It’s not your fault. You are posh. You should have been only focused on your roses.”
Edmund frowned. “You think I’m spoiled?”
“That’s quite a leap. It’s not your fault you are the son of a Duke. And as the son of a Duke you should indulge your hobbies, especially harmless lovely ones like breeding roses, without having to defend yourself against your brother. How dare he threaten to rip them out?”
“It was that moment when I started to see him. I started to see how he was only charming when people agreed with him, that he was never wrong, and he’d take revenge on people for the smallest slights against his character.
I started to feel trapped. I am still trapped.
I don’t know what to do.” He wasn’t asking for advice, not really.
“You could leave. We could leave together.”
Edmund’s chest swelled. “Do you know how many times I’ve thought about leaving? How many plans I’ve had? I’m not useless. I have some skills. I could go to the continent and work as a gardener."
"Why don't you?"
"Because something always happens to keep me there. I can't leave George now, and I know this doesn’t matter to anyone except me, but what about my Himalayan Musk Rose? It’s finally established, and I want to see the first blooms next spring.”
Gabriel kissed him. He wasn’t sure why, but he let himself sink into the kiss.
“What a pair of fools we are,” Gabriel said. It was a quiet whisper, as if it were a truth that could barely be spoken.
“Why?”
“I’m forgetful, hopeless at anything except being a vessel for people’s temporary pleasure.”
“That’s not true.” Edmund was confused. “I thought you were proud of your work.”
Gabriel flushed. “I am. I gave a lot of people joy, but the world doesn’t see it that way.”
“The world worships my brother as a Duke. Who cares what they think? I think you are amazing.”
“I wish I did.”
Edmund hated how confused he was. “Please explain what you mean.”
Gabriel smiled, a soft smile. “God, I love the way you are so frank about things. Sometimes I wish I was back at that old club. It was easier there and I was good at the work, but I left because I was looking for more. I’m a fool because I’m not organised enough to be ambitious.”
Edmund closed his eyes for a moment, and the dark helped him think through everything, to lay it all out into a pattern, and suddenly it made sense. “I remember you mentioned your first job, as a clerk, you were sacked because you kept misplacing things.”
“Yes, and now I need to organise an event, and I am making a mess of it, and now we’ve talked and talked about my old job and I can’t remember why I left. I was good at it and why did I want something else?”
“Why do I stubbornly stay in my brother’s houses and tend my roses?
The heart wants what the heart wants.” Edmund would never leave, he’d always known his plans to leave were just fantasies, that his work was ongoing and necessary, and he’d put with anything to be able to keep doing it because he loved his work more than anything.
Mostly his brother left him alone so staying had more benefits than leaving.
He’d probably stay even if it meant he’d get married and be forced to give up spending time with Gabriel.
He shivered. For the first time in his life, he wondered if the pain of staying was worth the reward.