Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
It was the last gown to be placed carefully into the trunk, but Margaret could not bring herself to do it.
It did not feel real, this placing of her belongings away while Sam sat on the edge of the bed, watching her.
The bed where, just hours before, they had lost themselves once more in wild abandon, enjoying the pleasures of each other’s bodies.
“Is there anything that I can say,” he said quietly, “to keep you? To stop you from leaving me?”
His words cut into her heart, but Margaret would not allow the tears to come, she would not.
Any emotion revealed now would only make it harder to leave him, and leave him she must. The Adelaide had docked, and the place where she thought she would start her married life was now to be the port where she left him.
She took a deep breath, and laid the gown down into the trunk. “I am still your wife. We shared vows, and I will not look at another man for the rest of my life. I-I do not think that I could, Samuel. Not in that way.”
By the uncomfortable shift, she knew that he had registered the use of his full name once more, but she had to harden her heart. He could not be Sam to her now.
“But Maggie – ”
“Margaret,” she interrupted, turning to look at him briefly before moving away to pick up and roll a ribbon that was beside the bed.
Samuel said nothing, and his silence hurt her more than she expected.
Her desire for him, her desire for him to fight for her, and her fear that he could indeed have committed such a terrible crime, it was all tangled together and she could not separate them.
She did not even know what she wanted him to say.
“I cannot stay with you now,” Margaret said quietly, winding the ribbon around two fingers. “Not when…when I cannot know for certain whether you are innocent or not. You have to understand.”
When he did speak, it was in a broken voice. “I had hoped that you would have learned to trust me now.”
Her very soul twisted in pain, but the niggle of doubt remained.
“This murderous earl, ‘tis nothing but gossip and hearsay, nonsense from those who wish that their lives were more exciting. I forbid you to speak of it, Maggie, do you hear me? I forbid you to speak to me about this murderous earl.”
Margaret swallowed. “I simply do not know.”
There was nothing else to do in the cabin now, the small room where most of their marriage had played out. All five days of it. Of course, they would hardly divorce, but their time together was now cut short. They could not possibly be what they had been to each other again.
She walked around the bed and knelt down, but before she could lift up the trunk, it was already rising in the air.
Samuel smiled wryly at her. “The least I can do for my wife is carry her heavy trunk.”
Without waiting for an answer, he strode out of the cabin. Margaret bit her lip. Was this right? Everything in her gut told her that Sam – Samuel – was a good man. Had he ever harmed her, showed violence towards her, towards anyone on the Adelaide?
No. But had he lied? Had he kept secrets, and hidden truths? Had he mistrusted her?
Yes, and she could not ignore it. Her life to this point had been filled with mistrust and irritation, with her parents disappointed in her looks and accomplishments, and her Great Aunt’s constant criticisms on person, manner, and deeds.
But they had been honest. Always honest. Sometimes too honest, but the truth was always open. She did not want to spend the rest of her life with a man who could not be honest with her, and Sam…
Margaret let out a deep breath. Here she was, standing in an empty cabin, when the decision really had been made for her. He would not tell her the truth about the murder accusation, save that he was innocent, and that was not a marriage really. A piece of paper was not enough for her.
It took her but a moment to join Samuel on the deck, who was talking uncomfortably with the captain.
“…congratulate you again, it really was my honour to marry you,” the captain was saying with a grin.
“You know, you are only the third couple that I have ever wed on this ship, though of course I always hope for it. But what am I saying, you are probably here to enquire about your wedding certificate! Here it is, my good lady, and you mind you take care of this young lady, Mr Brown! You can disembark by following young Kenneth here…”
It was easy to allow the captain’s words to just wash over her, and she held out her hand automatically when he tried to thrust their wedding certificate into her. She glanced down at it, and the colour rushed out of her cheeks.
“Now then, young lady, you look quite ill,” the captain said, peering at her.
Margaret tried to smile, tried to bat away his concerns with a graceful hand, but it was not a skill she had ever really learned.
Samuel looked at her. “Maggie? Are you feeling unwell?”
“D-Do not call me Maggie,” she breathed, with a slight glare at Samuel. Surely he must see, now that the truth – or what was closest to the truth – was now between them, how inappropriate it was for him to call her that?
“Do excuse us, captain,” said Samuel smoothly, bowing away the captain and placing the trunk down on the deck before offering an arm to her. “Maggie, what in God’s name – ”
There were tears in her eyes, but that did not prevent her from snapping, “Do not call me Maggie.”
Samuel rolled his eyes, and for a moment it was as though they had gone back in time, and they were happy, as they had been but two days ago, and Margaret felt something joyful rise up in her – and then it faded, as she remembered that five days ago they had hardly met.
When half of one’s acquaintance was sorrow, how could you celebrate the other half?
Samuel was speaking in a low voice, and in all the hustle and bustle of disembarking, the other passengers did not take anything amiss. “I asked you what was wrong.”
She swallowed. As if everything else had not been enough to bear, now this. “Look at it.”
Holding out the marriage certificate to him, she felt her legs tremble. She had never fainted before, but there was always a first time for everything, and she did not want to make it now.
He was staring at the piece of paper as though it was a bill at his club. “What of it?”
Margaret laughed bitterly. “You do not see it?”
“Yes, I see it, but I cannot comprehend why it upsets you so much!” Samuel shot back. “Is the idea of being married to me so repugnant that…” His voice trailed off. “That is it. You regret marrying me so much that the mere sight of the marriage certificate – ”
“No,” Margaret interrupted, knowing that her next words would rip into him just as much as they were paining her, but knowing of no way to stop it. “We are not married.”
Samuel stared at her, a look of horror and confusion spread across his face. “Yes, we are.”
“No, we are not.”
“Damnit, Maggie, I should know,” said Samuel with a hint of defiance, but a smile trying to reassert itself on his features. “I was there.”
But the twisted knife in her stomach was still moving, and Margaret tried desperately to prevent the tears from flowing down her cheeks. But it was no use, they over spilled and stained her cheeks. “Read it aloud.”
He was staring at her as though she were possessed, but clearly seeing no point in arguing with her, he cleared his throat and looked down at the piece of paper. “This marriage certificate declares and makes legally binding before God the marriage of Samuel…Samuel Brown and…”
Samuel’s voice trailed away and his eyes opened wide, mouthing wordlessly as the truth of the matter sunk in.
“You are not Samuel Brown,” Margaret said bitterly. “That is not your name, legal or otherwise. This marriage certificate, Samuel, is not valid. We are not married.”
“I will change my name.” Samuel spoke hurriedly, and he folded the paper and thrust it into his pocket. “Legally, Maggie – ”
“Do not call me – ”
“Margaret, then, Margaret, I will change my name,” he glared at her with fierce devotion that made her want to kiss him and cry that all was forgiven, but how could it be when she did not even know if he had killed a man?
“You cannot,” she countered quietly. “You would have to reveal your true identity to change your name, Samuel. I am unwed, and…and ruined.”
He stared at her in horror. “Ruined? How are you ruined? You are my wife!”
“Not in the eyes of the law,” she hissed, looking around to ensure that they were not being overheard. “Everyone on this ship has seen that we have…we have shared a cabin, Samuel, they know that we have made love. And once the news gets out that we are not married, once the rumours start to fly – ”
“Maybe not in the eyes of the law, but in the eyes of God we are man and wife!” Samuel took her hands in his own and she gasped at the sudden heat and pressure. “You are not ruined, Maggie. Stay with me, stay with me and be mine!”
Margaret snorted, and she did not even have the energy to become irritated about the use of Maggie. “And be your mistress?”
He was stroking her hand, caressing it, and he felt so wonderful but she mustn’t, she could not reveal to him how she felt, it was too much, too hard.
“We will get married again,” he was saying wildly. “Five times, fifty times, whatever is enough for you!”
It was tempting, and for a moment Margaret considered the impossible possibility.
Living as Mr and Mrs Brown, having a cottage somewhere rural in the south of France, bothering no one.
Keeping chickens, perhaps. They could start a school.
She always wanted to teach. He would be there, and she would be there, and all they had to do was love each other.
“An emigrating earl can become anything he wants,” whispered Samuel.
It was enough to bring her back to reality with a painful jolt. But what had he left behind, in England?
“Goodbye, Samuel Brown, Earl of Kincardine,” Margaret said with a heart wrenching effort to stem the tears, knowing that it would be for the last time.
“No – no, Maggie, wait – ”
“Can I take that trunk for you, madame?” A sailor had approached them, and Margaret grasped at his interruption like a port in a storm.
“Yes, thank you, that is very kind. I am leaving now.”
But Samuel had other ideas. “No, Maggie, you are my wife and I – ”
“I am no one’s wife,” she said weakly. “I am just Margaret Berry, and I need to find my Great Aunt.”
Without looking back and unclear of where she was going, Margaret walked away from the man she loved.