Chapter 3 #2
He chuckled softly. “I can imagine. I shall visit a market later, see if I can purchase some holly this late in the season.”
“And some mistletoe?”
Louisa could hardly believe those words had come from her mouth. It was shameful, it was scandalous, it was –
Precisely what needed to be said. She could feel it in her bones. She could see in David’s eyes, in the way that his cheeks coloured.
“You are still the same David, aren’t you?” Louisa whispered. “I thought, when I first saw you…but you are the man I loved.”
He did not reply immediately, but instead stepped forward. “Lou, I…I have so many regrets from that Advent, last year. Regrets I wish I could change.”
She nodded, averting her eyes. Well may he regret abandoning her to the cold comfort of her father’s growing illness. She had felt utterly alone, and knowing he had cared for her but not enough to wed her…
It was painful. The pain had dulled in the spring and been ignored in the summer, but as autumn had come to pass and she had watched the green leaves wither and fall, Louisa knew the pain would return.
And now David had.
He was watching her carefully. “I must say, I do not regret kissing you in the Winter Garden.”
David’s words made Louisa blush. “You should not speak of such things.”
“Why not?” David stepped towards her. “I was not ashamed of my feelings for you, Lou. If you had not wished me to touch you then of course, I would have desisted. But you wanted it. You wanted me.”
Louisa could barely hear him over the thundering of her heart. Her pulse roared in her ears, making it impossible to know what to say.
Because right now, in this moment, she could not stop thinking about that kiss. Those kisses. Stolen in the Winter Garden during Advent, the gifts she had wished to give him but had been sure she would not be able to.
For she had wanted to kiss David before he had left for Oxford, for university. He would be gone for weeks, ten long weeks, and she had wished to tell him of her affection, to break all the rules of society and kiss him before he had even thought of her like that.
And she had not. It had been David in the Winter Garden who had crossed that line, that moment when they had realised what they were to each other.
Were to each other. Louisa swallowed and held herself a little straighter.
“I was not ashamed of my feelings for you, Lou.”
Was not ashamed. So he did not care for her anymore. That was all in the past. Louisa swallowed down the bitter taste of disappointment that rose in her throat as she realised what this was.
Pity. David Nelson, son of a poor gentleman neighbour of theirs, had heard about their plight and sought to put a little coin in their pocket without embarrassing them. He was the wealthy one now, she supposed, and well able to give to those less fortunate.
Embarrassment blossomed up in her chest, causing red splotches to surely cover her chest. Louisa dropped her gaze. This was intolerable, far worse than she had first thought when she had looked up to see the Archduke they would be hosting, and had instead seen David.
He was here to help them. Goodness, it was worse than she had ever imagined.
Well, he could do so and then leave. Louisa could not permit her heart to be inflicted a second time by the same man. She would not spend Advent with an Archduke if it would only cause her to be reminded of how close she had been to happiness.
So close, and then only to have those hopes dashed.
“Lou, I – ”
“Well, thank you for clarifying your sudden rise to the nobility, Archduke,” Louisa said in her most aloof voice. All she had to do was mirror her mother. “I am sure you would like to freshen up after your journey before dinner. You may do so upstairs, Mrs. Lane has prepared a room for you.”
David did not move. He did not look away from her. “You can’t mean that, Lou.”
“Truly, she has prepared a room for you,” said Louisa defiantly, stepping past him and opening the library door. Thank goodness there was no one in the hall. She had to escape him, escape these emotions she could not contain. “I will see you later, Archduke.”
For a moment, David hesitated. It looked as though he wished to say something to her, but then thought better of it. He stepped towards the door.
But he halted before he left the library. “I am…well. I am sorry that I did not reveal to you or your mother who I was. Before I arrived, I mean.”
Louisa took a deep breath, and clutched the doorhandle tightly as though that would act as an anchor in this storm.
How was she supposed to respond to that? It was most unfair that the man she had believed had her heart could simply waltz back into her life with seemingly no care in the world – and wealthy and now titled, to boot.
But she was a Jarrold. Louisa held herself up a little more resolutely, and looked David in the eye, forcing herself to ignore his handsome features.
“You are forgiven for that slight error,” she said coldly. “Now, if you go up the stairs you will see a bedchamber on the left. That is yours.”
“And I will come down for dinner,” David softly, “and perhaps, if I am fortunate, continue to make amends to you and your mother?”
There was such pleading in his tones that for a moment, Louisa honestly thought she could throw away all her bitterness, all her resentment, and instead throw herself into David’s arms.
But she mustn’t. She had to be strong. She had to be aloof.
She had to prove herself to be the lady that she knew she was.
“I think not,” Louisa said icily. “I will see you at dinner, David, but do not expect forgiveness for everything. That would indeed by an Advent miracle.”