Chapter 6 #2
“I do not wish to talk about it.” Louisa’s voice cracked, and her gaze refused to meet his own. “You may have been able to walk away from…from what could have been, but I could not. I did it. It is…painful.”
David’s heart twisted to see the pain on her face. Yes, she had suffered; but had they both not suffered? Was it not perfect that they could be together again this Advent, when last Advent they had been so close to perfect happiness?
“When I kissed you – ”
“Which you should not have done,” said Louisa firmly, her gaze still firmly focused on the window behind him. “David – Archduke, if you wish to speak of such things I will go upstairs.”
“And I will follow you,” David said, not planning to but the words tripped out of his mouth before he could stop them. “Damnit, Louisa, you do not think I am due my chance to explain?”
“You had your chance! Over three hundred and sixty five days of them!” shot back Louisa, her gaze finally falling on him, though David was not entirely certain whether that was better or worse.
“Every day that went by, I thought – David will write to me! He will send me a letter that explains everything, and yet no letter came!”
David’s mind flashed upstairs as a log settled in the fire; to his trunk, where a letter much like the one Louisa spoke of was currently lying.
Written, but unsent.
He had known it was a mistake not to send it, knew it! But he had been unable to, unbale to bear the thought that she may reply…and not with the words that he was so desperate to hear.
What if she had responded and said she no longer cared for him? That a kiss was just a kiss, and he should not see any more in it than was originally intended?
David had not been sure whether his heart would have survived such a response.
“I wanted to,” he said quietly, rising and moving to the sofa.
Louisa tried to shift away from him, along the sofa, and David let her. The last thing he wanted to do was truly offend her.
If only she would listen…
“When I kissed you,” David repeated, determined to say what was on his heart, “you…you returned that kiss.”
Pink appeared in Louisa’s cheeks, but she said nothing.
What did that mean? It had been so much easier before, when David had only to look at Louisa to know what she was thinking. Where was that closeness now? Was it possible to return there?
“You returned that kiss,” said David doggedly, determined to get a response from her. “Did you not?”
“So what if I did?” Louisa spoke softly, her eyes darting over to him and then away again, as though she could barely bring herself to look at him.
Hope rose in David’s chest. “You love me.”
“I thought I loved you, then,” came the quiet, pained response. “I did not know myself – and I certainly did not know you. The cad that you were.”
David stared. Cad? What on earth was she talking about?
“You are not welcome here. After our conversation, I think there is little more that needs to be said.”
Had he not undergone all of this separation because he was forced to? Had her parents not made it abundantly clear that they had no wish for him to approach their daughter again?
“If you had had the decency to propose matrimony,” Louisa said, now fixing him with a glare that pinned David to the sofa, “I would have married you – and then what a fine fool I would have found myself to be.”
“If you had had the decency to propose matrimony, I would have married you – and then what a fine fool I would have found myself to be.”
David stared. The words made sense individually, he could understand each one of them; but together, they did not make sense. What did she mean, if he had proposed?
“You have proven yourself to a gentleman not to be trusted,” continued Louisa, her colour heightened now but her tongue finally loosened.
“I am fortunate not to be your wife, David, if you consider it appropriate to – to kiss a girl, and say that he cared for her, and then disappear without a word for a year, then trick his way back into her mother’s home! ”
David was still staring as Louisa’s words washed over him. Was it possible…he had never even considered it, assumed that her parents would have been open with her. Told her the truth.
Was it possible she did not even know…
“And so I am glad,” said Louisa boldly, “glad you did not propose to me, glad you – ”
“Louisa,” said David quietly, interrupting her increasingly impassionate speech. “Louisa, I did propose.”
Louisa’s mouth fell open, her eyes wide. “No, you did not – do you not think I would recall such a thing?”
Her utter astonishment was nothing compared to what David was feeling. Of course; no wonder she was so resolved against him. She did not know.
How was it possible that they had not told her?
“Not to you,” said David hastily. “No, I…why, that very same afternoon I went to your father, I asked him for your hand in marriage. He never mentioned it to you?”
A frown of confusion appeared across Louisa’s brow as she stared at him. “You…you went to my father?”
“Of course I did, you think I go around kissing girls without meaning something true, and devoted, and forever?” David said softly. “You think I would have kissed you if I had not wished you to be my wife?”
Louisa stared, saying nothing – but she did not need to. David could see the truth in her eyes; she had not known.
Relief soared through his body at the new understanding they had gained together. Well no wonder Louisa had been so outraged at his sudden absence! If she had no idea that he had been honourable, had attempted to make her his wife…
No wonder she was so taken against him!
“So…” Louisa swallowed. “So you wanted to marry me?”
David nodded. He shifted ever so slightly on the sofa, bringing himself an inch closer to her, his breath caught in his lungs as he grew closer. Oh, to touch her, to kiss her, to show her in an entirely different way just how much he had wanted her.
“Yes, I wanted to marry you,” said David quietly, not looking away from Louisa as he spoke. “I asked your father’s permission, and he said no.”
“He said no?”
“I am paraphrasing,” said David wryly, inching forward again, taking heart from the fact that Louisa did not lean away from him. “He was rather…verbose on the matter.”
Louisa smiled, and it was as though the storm was over and the sunshine had come out. “Yes, I am sure he was. I can imagine.”
David chuckled, shaking his head wryly. Was it the fire he had built, or some other reason which meant the room was so warm?
“So why did you leave?” It was a wistful question, he could see that in her eyes. “Leave, and without a single word. Why did you not ask again?”
David swallowed. She did not know; she did not know so much. Well, at least this explained why his reception with Louisa at least was far colder than he had been expecting. She had no idea, no clue what he had suffered.
“Louisa, I was ordered away,” David said, as gently as he could manage. “You think I would have willingly left you?”
Louisa stared at him with those large, elegant eyes. “Ordered away?”
David nodded. He barely knew how to explain it. “It was made perfectly clear to me that I was expected to leave, and go a good distance. Leaving you was…oh, it was agony. You think I have been able to exist these last months without regret at every turn?”
“I was devastated when you left,” Louisa breathed, hardly able it seemed to take her eyes from him. “And you did not wish to go?”
David shook his head, hardly daring to break the silence. So that was it, then. Two lovers, two people who cared a great deal for each other, separated and not told, in her case, precisely what had happened.
Oh, how things could have been different. How the world could have changed…
“Louisa Jarrold, I cannot believe you did not know,” he said softly. “If you had known how much I wished to…”
Words were not enough. Action, only, would show her just how awful it had been, to be apart from her.
David reached forward and without any hesitation, took Louisa’s hand in his own. He almost cried out aloud at the intensity of it, her skin against his, her warmth, her pulse beating just under his fingertips.
A pulse that was racing just like his.
“This entire year,” Louisa said quietly, “you…you wanted to marry me? Yet you stayed away…in respect of my father’s wishes?”
Desire was rushing through David’s veins and he desperately wished to close the gap between them but knew this was not the time. Not the moment. Instead, he nodded.
Then almost cried aloud for joy as Louisa leaned forward and kissed him, gently, on the lips.