20. Chapter 19
Chapter 19
If I thought the family dinner with all of us was awkward, it doesn't hold a light to this one.
The three of us are eating in silence at their dinner table by the window. In the distance, the city lights of Phoenix sparkle, the last of the orange hues fading into darkness.
The food is surprisingly delicious, much better than I can do. The beer has gone down well, complimenting the steak. It's also relaxed me a little and I'm on my second one, enjoying the emerging buzz in my body.
"Can we talk soon?" I ask, breaking the silence.
Jett looks up first. "Sure. What did you want to talk about?"
I turn my attention to Hawk, who's still giving me somewhat of a cold shoulder. He doesn't look up from his food, just continues eating but I know he's listening.
"Everything," I answer quietly. "Though I'm not really sure where to start…"
"Just start with the first question that pops up and go from there," Jett says warmly. "But we get to ask questions back."
I frown. "It's not a game, Jett."
"Never said it was," he replies. "But I have questions too."
Again, I stare at Hawk, wondering if he does as well. Feeling my burning gaze, he sighs, putting his cutlery down. He slowly turns to look at me, annoyance on his face. "What?"
"Why are you doing all of this?" I blurt out. "Why did you come back?"
"That's two questions," Hawk points out, not answering either.
I put my own utensils down in frustration. "That's exactly what I mean. We're not playing twenty questions. I genuinely want to talk about this."
Jett interjects, waving his fork around to get my attention. "I believe we've already answered both of those."
"Yes, yes," I groan. "Doing it for me. Apparently I'm boring. Setting up permanent offices… yada yada yada. That doesn't answer anything."
"We never said you were boring," he says, amused. "Just stuck in routine… and a little overbearing if I'm being honest."
I scowl at him. "Could you try not to insult me during this conversation? I know it's hard, but try."
Jett grins. "I like overbearing. And like I said, we've answered those questions. My turn?"
I roll my eyes. "What's your question, pray tell?"
"Are you happy?" he asks immediately. "And don't give us that bullshit answer again. Really think about it—think about what you want out of life."
Freezing, I frown. "I'm doing everything I want," I answer honestly. "I've achieved what I wanted."
"Really?" Hawk scoffs. "You're thirty-one. There's nothing else you want from life?"
It's said with such venom that a shiver runs down me. I'm beyond confused, because truthfully, I have achieved what I wanted.
Finally, I shrug. "I'm not sure what you want me to say. I wanted to work in law and I'm doing that. I wanted to live alone and be independent—I'm doing that too. I've traveled and been overseas, I have money. Isn't that enough?"
"It's never enough," Hawk says, so quietly that my ears strain to hear him.
"Fine," I shoot back. "I'll… I'll go on vacation this year. Travel again."
He snorts. "Oh, wow. Really going for the wild card there."
"I don't know what you want me to say!" I repeat louder. "Just tell me. Stop playing games. I'm exhausted, Hawk!"
Hawk's hand hits the table, making me jump. "You want me to spell it out for you, Tempest? You're pathetic." My mouth falls open, pain shooting through me at his words. Jett looks like he's going to interject, but Hawk cuts him off. "You wanted to work in law? You're a paralegal. Dad was an attorney—a respected, powerful attorney. You could have easily gone to law school after college but you didn't. You settled for subpar. You took the easy route because you're afraid of failure."
"I…" I stammer over my words, hating the fact that tears swell in my eyes. "There's nothing wrong with being a paralegal."
"Of course not," he says in a serious tone. "Support staff are some of the most badass people around. No business would survive without them. But it's you . You were not created to sit behind a screen taking orders from assholes in suits. You could make a real impact and change lives. Don't you want to do good ? After all, you're so fixated on that concept."
I fall silent, not sure how to respond. I just hang my head, unable to look at him.
Hawk doesn't stop though, ripping me to shreds. "You also lease your apartment. You're essentially safeguarding yourself again because if something goes wrong, you're not responsible for it. It's a cushy little barrier, protecting you from the real world. God forbid you take action and control of your life. Fuck sake, you're still in the same city as you've lived your entire life. There's a giant world out there and you're here. The most exciting thing you've done for yourself is go to that key party. And it wasn't even your decision. "
I look up, eyes wide with realization and alarm. "How did you know that?" I ask him quietly.
"Because it's YOU," he says loudly with frustration.
"You're a fucking psychopath," I mumble quietly.
Hawk snorts. "At least I'm on a path."
"I think what Hawk means is we just want to see you happier. Stop making everyone else happy and live in the moment for once. Take some risks," Jett replies casually.
There's a horrible feeling in my stomach, exhaustion creeping over me. "So, I'm pathetic," I murmur, clinging to those words.
"Take what you want from this conversation, Rayne," Hawk responds firmly. "But no one can force you to change. If you want to live in a happy medium, risk-free place, then that's your prerogative. Jett and I got handed a shitty start to life, but we didn't just settle. Spend your time watering your plants and filing paperwork if it pleases you."
Tears slip away, my hand quickly brushing them away. "You just want me to live the life you want for me. What next? If I choose to change careers, will I need your approval? What if I want to date someone? Are you just going to chase them away? Threaten them?"
Hawk laughs, an edge of darkness to it. "If they are wrong for you. But maybe you'll see that one day when you're forced to face the consequences of your decisions."
"You're supposed to make mistakes," I murmur. "That's how we learn."
"That's how you get hurt. That's how you lose things," he says sharply. "Mistakes are fine but when you go into things blind, that's when it's a problem."
More tears fall and finally, I push my chair back, determined not to let them see me cry. I storm out of the room, heading to the staircase. I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing—I tell myself it's time to go home but when I reach Hawk's bedroom, I'm so exhausted mentally that I can't even do it.
I sit on the edge of the bed for a few minutes, processing their words, feeling nothing but hurt. I hate that they have put that in my mind, but I hate it even more that I think they are right.
I'm stuck, living a routine life, going about my day to day activities. I have no goals or aspirations left, no real purpose or reason to exist. This is it—I've got nothing left to achieve.
Sighing, I lay down, resting my head on Hawk's pillow. It smells like him, and I wonder if I do as well. As angry as I was, I'm so ashamed of myself for hitting Hawk in the elevator. I've never laid hands on someone before.
Some time passes before I hear the sound of footsteps approaching, I close my eyes, not ready to face either of them yet. They get closer, coming into the room. I listen carefully, hearing them stop next to the bed.
"I know you're not asleep," Hawk says coolly. "Your breathing is all wrong."
"I'm not pretending to be," I mumble back.
He snorts. "Could have fooled me."
"Well, you did it," I just respond, ignoring his comment.
"What's that?"
"You finally broke me," I whisper. "You got your wish."
Hawk falls silent and I'm tempted to open my eyes, but I don't. The mattress sinks as he sits down next to me. He puts a hand on my hip, his touch forcing me to look at him.
He peers down at me, calm. His face is no longer hard and when another tear starts to roll down my cheek, he wipes it away with his thumb.
"Good," he murmurs softly, fingers dancing along my body.
I scoff under my breath. Hawk pushes my shoulder, rolling me onto my back. Crawling over me, he hovers, inching our faces closer. He's still only dressed in his boxers and I can feel the warmth radiating from his skin.
"Now you can do something about it," he adds, leaning down to kiss me.
I kiss him back, my hands cupping his face. It's more gentle than I've come to expect from him, his soft lips brushing over mine carefully. I deepen the kiss, pushing my tongue into his mouth as I desperately try to find his. He responds warmly, caressing them together as he moves one of his hands down the side of my body.
When he starts tugging at the waistband of my skirt, I break the kiss, lifting my hips. He reaches for the zipper at the back of my skirt as my fingers quickly unbutton my blouse. Hawk pulls the black material down my legs, taking my underwear with it. I kick them off, pushing onto my hands as I let my blouse sleeves fall down my arms. One by one, I lift my hands so I can remove it, tossing it to the side of the bed. He quickly makes work of my bra, unclasping it and rolling it down my arms.
As soon as my clothes are gone, I reach for his boxers but he stops me, pushing me flat on my back with his hand on my chest. I frown, confused, but I stare entranced as he slides down my body, placing kisses along my chest and torso in random spots. His hand gently eases my legs apart, making room for his frame as he traces the tattoo on my ribcage with his tongue. Further he goes, until he reaches my hips and through lustful eyes, I watch him gaze at me. It's an intense stare, making me feel like all the air has been sucked out of the room.
His tongue darts out, sweeping along the outside of my pussy, and I tense up in panic.
"I haven't showered," I hastily say, remembering the elevator.
Hawk locks eyes with me, his tongue pressing into my clit. My lips part with pleasure, eyes staring at him in bewilderment and heat.
"I don't care," he replies against my body. "I don't care if I taste myself, as long as I get to taste you."
His mouth closes around my clit, pulling me into his mouth and I let out a moan, my head falling back onto the bed. Hands pry me open, his tongue trailing over me.
I feel his finger slide inside, curling up as he strokes in time with his tongue, and I'm unable to comprehensively focus on anything except for him. Slow, torturous swirls around my clit nearly send me over the edge, until a ringing distracts me.
Hawk stops his movements, gazing over at the bedside drawer at his ringing cell. Slowly, he pulls back from me, my body aching sadly at the lost touch. He reaches for the cell, lifting it up as he examines the caller ID.
A part of me feels disappointed that he would stop at this moment—and I'm crushed even more when he answers the call.
"Hi," he says warmly to the person down the other end of the line.
I stare up at him in disbelief, his eyes locked with mine. There's a small smile on his face and a bit of jealousy hits me.
"Hm," he responds to the other person, sliding back down to my legs. "That's really interesting actually."
I raise my eyebrow at him. Hawk smirks at me, pushing his thumb over my clit. My eyes widen, and I shoot him a warning glance.
I'm about ready to stop him, to push his hand away with my foot when his next words freeze me in place.
"Rayne's actually here having dinner with us. I'll put her on for a minute."
My blood runs cold as I stare at Hawk, cell outstretched toward me.
"Here. Talk to Mom."