Chapter One
Anastacia
You don’t know how you will react in the face of danger, no matter how much you prepare.
In a dangerous situation, your practice and knowledge go out the window.
After tragedies, too.
You don’t know what scars will be left behind.
Physical. Emotional. Mental.
What I do know, though, is that after dealing with everything I’ve dealt with in my life, I’m here.
I am still here.
Still breathing. Still surviving.
I was given another chance. Not only for me but for my baby.
My sweet, sweet baby.
I run my hand over my swollen belly, unsure of when they will come into this world. Time is difficult to keep track of these days, even though I’m free now.
Though, will I ever really be free?
I’ve been told I belong to the Iron Runners.
He told me those exact words every time he raped me. He made sure I knew who I belonged to and where my place in the world was—beneath him, naked, carrying his child.
When I first got away from them, I was angry. Sad. Hurt. Disgusted.
Now… I don’t feel much of anything. I go through the motions. I’m apathetic.
Grateful too, I suppose, to this man who saved me.
Kolton is his name, but I won’t call him that outside of my head. His club name is Snapper, and though he’s part of a club, just like he was, Snapper is a very different sort of man.
A man who has zero interest in me. Which begs the question: why did he save me at all?
The way he looks at me tells me he wants nothing to do with me. The disgust on his face when I walk down the hallway tells me he hates that I’m in his house, even though he’s verbally told me I can do as I please.
Yet, I am in his house, and he is the one who brought me here. He gave me a room to myself and allowed me access to everything. On my first night, he let me wear his clothes and use his shampoo.
It’s hard to understand, but I stopped trying to understand people a long time ago. Best to just go with it.
Ever since I was a little girl, and I was wronged by the one person who should have kept me safe—my mother—something in me changed. Something broke. Something important that is supposed to grow and be nurtured was completely destroyed.
Like I said… you never know how you’ll react in an awful situation. Some people let it define them, some let it ruin them, and some overcome it completely.
Me? I’m just living with it. I’m going through the motions because I have accepted this is the part I play in this world.
Some people get to be the princes and the princesses.
Some get to be the kings and queens. Some get to be the brave knights, while others get to be the ferocious dragons.
But you can’t forget about the servants.
The fools. The poor people begging for change—the ones who don’t matter.
The filler characters. The people who are there to give the others their status and shine.
Because what would a king be without someone to rule over?
What’s a hero without someone to save? Or worse… to conquer?
Only, it isn’t just about me anymore. It’s about my baby.
The baby that belongs to the Iron Runners.
My child is in danger, and if there’s anything in this world that can pull me from this numbness, it’s being a mother. It’s protecting my baby.
But… just one more day.
One more day of feeling nothing, because once I push forward, once I let my walls down, it’s going to hurt.
And I’m not quite sure I’m ready for that. Not today. Not now.
But whether I’m ready or not, tomorrow will come. And tomorrow is another day closer to giving life to something I have to protect with every fiber of my being. Tomorrow will not wait for me to be ready, so I just have to be.
I close my eyes, tell myself everything will be okay in the morning, and let sleep take me.
I hardly see the morning sun anymore. A mix of being bone-deep tired and depression, likely. Or maybe it’s just the pregnancy. No matter how much I sleep, it never feels like enough. I guess I should take it while I can get it because soon enough, I won’t be getting much sleep at all.
The clock on the bedside table says it’s almost three in the afternoon.
I’m starving, so I should go downstairs and get something to eat.
Kolton told me I can help myself to anything here, but it feels weird because none of it is mine, and I can’t remember a time when I had the freedom to take what I want.
I put on a smile and my brightest personality when he’s around, though. I don’t want him to think I’m ungrateful and throw me out on the street.
Being here isn’t ideal, but it’s better than being with them.
Kolton gives me a layer of protection I wouldn’t otherwise have.
Of course, there is a lingering fear that they’ll find me here regardless, but Kolton assures me they won’t.
I’m not sure I believe him, but I do know I don’t stay awake at night worried they’ll bust the door in.
That’s a small blip on the scale of things I’ve already been through.
I’m pregnant with their baby. They won’t kill me.
However, I know better than most that there are worse fates than death.
For now, I’ll take the grace I am being given.
Kolton has a doctor friend who comes by to check on me, and that is something I wouldn’t so easily give up.
My choices aren’t about me anymore, they’re about my baby, so I’ll stay here as long as I can.
I’ll do whatever I can to keep Kolton happy, so he doesn’t get rid of me.
At least until the baby is here. I can run for my freedom, for true freedom, then.
Once she’s safely in my arms, we can go anywhere, do anything.
I get out of bed, looking down at my swollen feet that burn when I put pressure on them. There’s an ache in my lower back that I massage as I walk to the attached bathroom to pee, wash up, and brush my teeth. Everything hurts all the time. I’m not sure what to blame it on these days.
The mattress is soft, I sleep plenty, and don’t do any laborious work.
I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t in pain. I don’t feel bad for myself, though. Pain reminds you that you’re alive. It’ll get better one day.
Kolton has a good amount of food, but it’s all healthy stuff.
This is not a good place to find a quick snack, but he has plenty to make for dinner.
After frying myself an egg and making toast, I eat it quickly while standing by the window and looking into the large yard.
There’s not much to see, but it’s beautiful.
Green and spacious, with tall lush trees and colorful birds.
The sky is blue, the sun shining through fluffy clouds.
This looks like freedom, yet I still feel like I’m in a cage.
I feel good today, despite my somber thoughts. Better than I have in a long time. I went to sleep with positive thoughts about starting the day, and I think that contributed to it.
Mind over matter.
The house is quiet, peaceful.
During the day, I’m here alone. It’s not the most comforting thing, but there is a security system that helps. A little. I’m not sure anything will ever allow me to truly feel peace. After being kidnapped, you’re always looking around the corner, thinking it’s going to happen again.
The food I ate will hold me off for a little while, but I’m craving pasta. And chicken.
I browse the fridge and cabinets, finding everything I need for chicken parmesan, so I gather it all and get to work.
Kolton comes home at all different hours, so I can’t be sure it’ll be soon, but it would be nice if he was here early tonight to enjoy dinner while it’s still hot. It’s never the same when it’s reheated.
I can’t thank him enough for what he’s done for me.
I could spend my life telling him, and it would still never feel like enough.
He saved me and my baby from the Iron Runners.
They’d done nothing but use me like a sex toy since they had me, and I can only imagine what they’ll do once this baby is out of me.
And if it’s a girl…
I press my hands to the counter and let my head fall forward to breathe through the wave of nausea.
I can’t even think of them harming my child. Not like that or any other way. It makes me sick. Once I no longer feel dizzy, I drink a glass of water and get back to dinner.
Of course, the kitchen is a mess when Kolton walks through the door.
“You’re here,” I say with a smile. It’s easier today than it was yesterday.
His eyes go from me, to the sink full of dishes, to the dirty counter, and then to the pots on the stove. I swear he’s gone pale.
“It is where I live,” he says sharply.
I don’t know him well, but I’ve seen enough to know that he isn’t a mean man. He’s just a little grumpy. I don’t take it personally, because after everything I’ve dealt with, he’s basically a kitten. Someone’s tone is the least of my concerns.
After explaining why I’ve made a mess and promising I’ll clean it up, he tells me none of it is necessary and then goes into the shower—like he does every day when he comes home.
Steps through the front door. Straight into the shower.
I noticed he has a bandage around his finger, but when I asked, he avoided talking about it. Being part of the club, I couldn’t begin to guess how he got that. It could be anything from a brawl to a mishap on his bike.
The doorbell rings, and I consider ignoring it, but that’s rude. Besides, one of the Iron Runners wouldn’t ring the doorbell to get inside. I check the security panel just in case. Kolton’s doctor friend stands on the other side, hands in his slacks and staring out into the yard.
“Well, hello,” he says with a bright smile when I pull the door open. It’s a real smile, and it’s refreshing to see. He’s the only person I see these days, and have seen in a long time, who has a real smile like that.
He’s a handsome man, much older than me. Older than Kolton too, I’m sure. I think there is more than friendship going on between them, or at least there is a history. I feel the tension, and don’t miss the googly eyes the doctor gives Kolton when he isn’t paying attention.
I sure hope he’s the sunshine to Kolton’s grumpy, because that would make for a really cute story.
Though, I was always told I had too much of a whimsical imagination and put too much focus on love, as if it isn’t the most important thing in the world.
Without love, what do we have?
A bunch of things that aren’t worth it, that’s what.
“Hello, Dr. Carter.”
“Lucian, sweetheart.”
“Right, sorry.” I step aside. “Come in. Kolton is in the shower, but he will be out soon.”
After I say it, I wonder if I should have referred to him as Snapper. The guys in the club make a big deal about that, using only their club names and not their real names. But the doctor has been here a lot, and he always calls him Kolton, and he never argues about it.
I don’t understand much of club business, and after being around the Iron Runners for so long, you’d think I would, but they didn’t teach me anything.
Maybe it’s for the best, because I want nothing to do with any of this.
What I want is to lie on the beach with my baby, basking in the shade of a bright red umbrella.
They sit beside my towel in the sand, digging their little hands in, while I lie on my stomach, reading a book.
The waves crash against the surf, the warm breeze blows through my hair. Everything is good in the world.
“How are you feeling today?” Lucian asks, pulling me from my dream.
All thoughts of the beach and calling Kolton by his real name are gone.
“Better than I have in a long time,” I tell him.
“I’m glad to hear it. But remember what I said the other day. If you ever need someone to talk to, you call me. There is no judgment, and I will keep our conversations private.”
I put my hand on his arm, giving him a gentle squeeze.
“I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me already.”
He’s the reason I have clothes on my back, and he helped me out of a panic attack the day Kolton found me in the Iron Runner’s bar. I have him to thank too.
“It smells delicious in here,” he comments, looking over my shoulder at the stove.
“Oh, I’m making dinner. Chicken parmesan. You should stay to eat with us. There’s plenty.”
“I don’t think Kolton would like that.” He smiles, but this time it’s forced.
I huff a laugh. “He doesn’t seem to like people in his space.”
“He doesn’t,” he says carefully. “Yet, you’re here.”
I meet his gaze, noting the sparkle in his eye. “And so are you.”