Chapter Six
Anastacia
All morning, all I’ve done is envision a normal life for myself. Something I was so sure I wouldn’t have no matter what I did or how hard I tried. Of course it’s what I want, but it feels like climbing a mountain with nothing but the clothes on my back. But today I woke up with hope in my chest.
Hope, I learned a long time ago, is dangerous. It’s a road that leads to heartache. If you hope, you’re opening yourself up to hurt. But God, it feels so good to feel something.
Should I be imagining myself living a life with Grizz—a man I met once, a few days ago, who hasn’t given any hint of returning?
No, absolutely not. In fact, it’s worrisome.
But there’s something in his eyes, something about the way he looked at me, like he never wanted to stop, that has me hoping.
Hoping that I’m not broken. Not worthless. Not a disgusting piece of trash made to be used and thrown away.
It’s been a long time since I thought those things about myself, but I think that’s because I’d accepted it. I’d learned a long time ago I would be nothing more than an object to be used by men. It’s left me empty.
But Grizz… he is different. He was protective and sweet and kind and everything a man should be for a woman.
Hell, he’s probably married. Or has a girlfriend. There’s no way a man like him is single.
Yet, he was here all night. He fell asleep with me on the couch.
So if he does have a girl, maybe he isn’t as sweet as I think he is.
Or maybe he is an offering from the universe. An apology. Something to make my life right after giving me so much pain for so long. He could be a good thing.
I deserve good things.
I don’t know how to have good things, though. I don’t know how to have a normal life. I don’t know how to function in society, not after the way I grew up, and what I went through.
Something tells me Grizz has the patience to show me. I can learn; I know I can.
I glance down at my belly, running my hand over it.
My baby needs a normal life, which means I need to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
They don’t deserve the issues that my trauma left me with.
They’re mine to bear, not theirs. And that doesn’t mean I have to settle down with the first guy who is nice to me. I know that. Of course, I know that.
But this isn’t that. What I’m feeling toward Grizz isn’t just because he was nice to me, it was the way he made me feel when he looked at me, held me, smiled at me.
Though, this could all be in my head.
Maybe I’ve lost my mind completely.
I blow out a heavy sigh and get up from the couch to head into the dining room to the large windows that overlook the front yard.
To the left are a bunch of trees, while ahead is the dirt driveway that leads to the main road.
To the right is where the yard is. The large open field that a child would love to run around in.
Will this be where my child grows up? Am I going to be stuck in this house with a man who doesn’t want me here? He can hardly stand my mess; how will he handle the mess a child makes?
When I was younger, before I stopped allowing myself to dream, I would imagine a messy house with laughing babies and a smiling husband. I’d painted myself a beautiful picture, one that was snuffed out by the cruelty of the world.
Yet, here I am. There’s a chance right in front of me.
Maybe I’m just too scared to take it.
The morning quickly turns into afternoon, which turns into evening. I don’t have the energy to make dinner today. In fact, I’ve been craving pizza. I’m not sure if there is a place in town that delivers, and I’m not supposed to open the door for anyone, anyway. Also, I don’t have any money.
I’m free, but I’m still a prisoner.
Dr. Carter brought groceries for me yesterday, while Kolton was away. He comes to visit often during the day, and I assume that when Kolton says not to open the door, he doesn’t mean for the doctor because he knows he stops by.
I’m very much appreciating the food today, because I haven’t wanted to make a real meal all day. I’ve been munching on chips, crackers, cheese, yogurt, and fruit. It’s not as filling as a meal, but it’s hitting the spot.
I’ve just gotten comfortable on the couch when the doorbell rings. It’s hard to hear from here, since it sounds through the panel which is by the door, but the TV is low enough that I didn’t miss it. I assume it’s the doctor again, but that doesn’t stop the anxiety from coming forth.
The panel beside the door is lit up, only it isn’t showing me the older, well-dressed gentleman that is Lucian Carter. It’s showing me a sweet, giant of a man that I haven’t been able to get off my mind. I pull the door open before I think better of it.
His head turns to me, and though I expect a smile, that’s not what I get. Instead, it’s like all the wind is knocked out of him. His eyes widen slightly, lips part.
I could really get used to this reaction from a man. From him.
“Hi,” I say.
That’s when the smile comes, his eyes flicking to mine.
“How are you?” he asks, voice husky.
“I’ve had better days.”
His brow furrows. “What’s wrong?”
“Just tired today.”
“Oh… I can go—”
“No,” I say, reaching for his arm. “Come in.”
Nodding, he steps into the house, and I close and lock the door behind him.
“I should have said Kolt—I mean Snapper—isn’t here.”
He chuckles. “Does he let you call him that?”
“Uh, sort of? I don’t know. He gives me a look. I try not to, but I don’t understand the club name thing, so…”
“Yeah, I get it. Well, you can call me whatever you want.”
“Grizz is fitting for you.”
He smiles proudly. “Is there anything I can help you with?”
“Is that why you came here?”
He shrugs. “Maybe.”
“Well, you could start by telling me if there’s anyone in town that delivers pizza.” His brow raises. “I’ve been craving it all day, and I was going to ask Snapper if we could order in when he gets home. Beg if I had to.”
“No need. I’ll order it for us now.”
“Oh, you don’t have to do that…”
“I want to.”
“Grizz…”
“I want to, okay?” he says softly but firmly.
I sigh, tears filling my eyes. Over pizza? Lord.
“Okay.”
“What do you want on it?”
“Extra cheese.”
Chuckling, he says, “That it?”
“I’ve been on a cheese kick.”
“We’ll get two, this way, Snapper can have some when he gets home. One with extra cheese, the other with lots of meat.”
“It’s been so long since I’ve had pizza.” I drop onto the couch, putting my hand on my belly. Food is always better when it’s something you’ve been craving, and even better when it’s something you haven’t had in such a long time.
Food is a human right, yet all of mine were stripped from me, for so long that something as simple as food is now a joy.
Grizz sits on the other end of the couch, keeping some space between us. I feel him staring at me and turn my head to look at him. All I can do is smile. But he doesn’t return it. He has that serious, almost lusty, look in his eyes.
“Can I ask how far along you are?” His voice is slow, careful almost.
I glance down at my belly again, noting my hand is already on it. I do that often. Always touching it. I wonder if that’s normal. I wouldn’t know because I don’t have any friends and have never known a pregnant woman before.
“Doctor Carter thinks I’m somewhere between seven and eight months.”
“And you have the baby, at like ten months? Twelve?”
I laugh. “No, silly. Nine. Well, sort of. I guess it goes by weeks because that’s more accurate. So, forty weeks is full term.”
He smiles, ducking his head. “I’ve never been around babies.”
A wave of emotion rolls over me. “Neither have I.”
“Aren’t you scared?”
“Terrified.” My gaze goes to the TV, but I couldn’t tell you what’s on it. “Nothing has ever been scarier.”
We stay silent for a while, just the soft sounds of people talking on TV. Until he starts talking again, his voice still so soft and caring.
“My brother and his wife… they tried having a baby for years. It’s the only thing they wanted, but it never happened for them.” He takes a deep breath. “Well, it did happen, but they had a miscarriage. Four, actually.”
“My goodness…”
“I know they’re older now and they say there’s like an age you should stop, but I wish they’d keep trying. I wish they wouldn’t give up, you know?”
I nod, carefully thinking of my words. “I think sometimes the happiness of getting what you want is overshadowed by the pain of getting there.”
“I know it’s none of my business…”
I watch him for a moment, and don’t miss the sadness in his eyes. He’s so full of emotion. I scoot closer, linking my fingers with his. “You’re his brother, and I’m sure you’re just worried about him. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
He nods, tightening his grip on my hand.
“They came to live with me recently, and I’m so happy about it. I like having them around. I think it’s good for all of us.”
“I’m sure it is.”
We hold each other’s gaze for a moment, and I wish I knew what he was thinking. Something tells me if I asked, he’d tell me straight out. But he speaks before I can.
“Can I ask you something else?”
“Of course.”
“Are you happy here?”
I sigh, running my thumb up and down his, staring at our linked fingers.
When it comes to Kolton, I sugarcoat things.
I force myself to be happier than I am because I’m afraid he won’t understand.
But Grizz? Something about him is different.
Something tells me that with him, I can be honest and I don’t have to worry about what he’ll think of me.
That he’ll like me anyway… So I give him my truth.
“I think I forgot what happiness is.”