Chapter 25
Chapter Twenty-Five
Anastacia
Before I know what’s happened, it’s Halloween and Dorothea is nearly two months old. The time has passed so quickly that it scares me. Soon enough she’ll be one, then two. Then it’s school and graduation and—
No.
No, I’m not doing that.
One day at a time.
“One day at a time,” I say softly as I lift Dorothea’s bum to put a clean diaper under her.
Once she’s all changed, I button her pink onesie up and lean down to kiss her nose.
That’s our little tradition. Only this time when I pull back, there is a smile on her face.
I gasp, my hand going to my chest. “You smiled!”
It was a real smile. Not just something she did in her sleep. She looked right at me and smiled. Tears fall before I can stop them.
“Hey, I was—what’s wrong?” The panic in Kelsey’s voice is clear as she rushes to my side.
I hold my hand up, wanting to tell her, but unable to get the words out. My vision is blurry, but I see her checking on Dorothea.
“Is she okay? What’s wrong?”
“She… she…” I take a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “She smiled at me,” I say through a sob.
“Oh, my…” Kelsey lets out a small laugh, her hand going to my shoulder. “That’s wonderful news.”
I nod. Tears still coming. Kelsey stays with me until I calm down. I give her a big hug once the tears stop.
“Thank you.”
“For what?” she asks.
“Just being here. Letting me be here.”
“You don’t need to thank me for that, honey. I’m glad you’re here. We all are.” She pulls back, her hands still on my arms. “Especially Grizz.”
We haven’t come out and said that we’re together, but I don’t think it’s needed. I mean, we are together, it’s just hard to explain what we’re doing. Calling him my boyfriend feels weird. He feels like so much more than that, but what else is there in between boyfriend to fiancé to husband?
“He’s such an amazing man,” I say.
“Runs in the family.”
“I wish he was her father,” I say so softly, even I hardly hear the words.
“Oh, honey…” Kelsey sits on the bed, facing me. “He is. He can be.”
“But not really,” I say, tears coming again. “Her father is a monster. And he’s out there somewhere, and what if he… what if he tries to come take h-her?” More tears. More sobs.
I told myself from the beginning I wasn’t going to do this, but here I am… doing it.
“Grizz and Tommy will never let that happen,” she says seriously. “Neither will I, and certainly, neither will you.”
“But what if… what if they all come?”
“They won’t,” Kelsey says firmly as she gets to her feet. “The club won’t let them anywhere near here. I’m sure Grizz has it handled. And if you’re worried, ask him. He’ll tell you.”
“I don’t want to worry him. I don’t want him to think I’m stressed out.”
“That’s sweet, but he’d want to know what you’re upset about.”
“No, I can’t. He’s dealing with a lot with the club right now. He said they’re making a bunch of changes or something, and… I don’t know. I listen, but none of it makes sense, and I’m just so tired.”
“When will you start giving her bottles?” Kelsey asks, turning her attention to Dorothea, who is now asleep, still lying on the bed.
“I probably should have done it already.”
“It’s your choice, honey. Whatever you want to do, and I’m not trying to guilt you into it, but all of us will help where we can. We’ll wake up in the middle of the night to feed her, you know.”
I take her hand. “That sounds so nice, but…” I sigh. “I don’t know. I feel bad.”
“What’s to feel bad about?”
“I don’t know how to explain it,” I say softly. “Just feels like… I’m giving up?”
“Giving up?” Kelsey says with a huff. “No, honey, not at all. You can’t run yourself to the ground.
Taking care of a baby is hard. Accepting help isn’t giving up.
It’s being smart. You need to be in the right head space to take care of your little girl, and it’s hard to do that when you’re tired.
That saying about it taking a village to raise a baby didn’t come from nowhere. ”
I nod, fighting off tears while wiping away the ones still leaking down my cheek.
“I just want everything for her to be perfect.”
“Everything will be. She has the best mom and the best dad.” She emphasizes the word dad. “And the best aunt and uncle,” she whispers.
I smile, staring down at my precious baby. “Yeah. I think you’re right.”
Grizz gets home around dinner time, which is his normal time.
He looks more tired than usual today. I’ll never tell him what to do with his life, but whatever is going on with the club is stressing him out, and I don’t like it.
Of course my opinions of the club are for very different reasons, and not just because of what they’re doing to him.
Dorothea is in her bouncer, and he kisses her on the head before coming to me and doing the same.
“You look tired,” I say.
He smiles. “I’m fine, Angel. How was your day?” I bite on my bottom lip, holding his gaze. A questioning smile forms on his lips. “What?”
I excitedly share the news. “She smiled at me today.”
“What?” His head whips toward Dorothea. “She did?”
Nodding, I say, “Yes. Then I cried about it for ten minutes.”
He pulls me into a hug, kissing my head again.
“I’m so sad I missed it.”
“We can try to get her to do it again,” I say, walking over to where she is. Kelsey put up a ton of Halloween decorations, including a purple tree with little bats all over it, and she loves looking at it. We kneel on the ground in front of her.
“Hey, sweet pea,” he says. “Are you going to smile for me?”
She looks away from the tree, darting her attention to Grizz. It’s obvious she recognizes his voice.
“Smile for Daddy, sweet girl,” I coo, brushing her cheek with my finger.
His attention turns to me, eyes slightly wide.
Though we talked about this, I’ve never referred to him as Daddy before when talking to her.
I didn’t do it consciously, it just happened, and I can tell by the look on his face that he’s happy as hell about it.
His attention goes back to her, and it takes only a second before she smiles.
“Oh my god!” he announces, grabbing onto my arm. “Angel, she smiled at me.” The emotion makes his voice raspy. He holds his hands out, like he wants to pick her up, but doesn’t. His hands ball into fists. “I want to squeeze her, but shit, I know I can’t. She smiled at me!”
“She did,’ I say, leaning my head on his shoulder. His arm comes around me, and he holds me tight.
“This is so perfect, Angel. So fucking perfect.”
We stay there, staring at our baby until Kelsey calls us for dinner. We eat together, and I get to finish my meal before Dorothea starts fussing that she’s hungry.
Once she’s fed, I work myself up to asking Kelsey something I’ve been thinking about all day.
“Do you think you and Tommy could watch her for about an hour?”
Her jaw drops, and she glances at Tommy who looks just as shocked.
“You want us to watch her?” she asks.
“Yeah.”
“So you can…”
“Well, I wanted to go to the store, and I was hoping Grizz would take me.”
He smiles, taking the last mouthful of his water before crushing the bottle and tossing it into the recycling.
“Anything for you, Angel. You know that.”
“Of course we will,” Kelsey says quickly. “We’d love to. Right, Tommy?”
“Yeah, absolutely.”
“Thank you,” I say. “She just ate, so she’ll probably need to be changed soon.”
“We can handle that,” Kelsey says excitedly.
It’s only when I’m in the bedroom, looking for something to wear, that it hits me. I’m going out without her. She’ll be without me. I’ll be far away.
My chest starts to hurt. Then it gets tight. Then I can’t breathe at all. I lean against the wall, trying to catch my breath.
“What’s wrong?” Grizz asks when he comes into the room.
“I can’t do it,” I say, shaking my head. “I can’t leave her. I can’t go. I’m sorry. I thought I could do this, but I can’t. Kelsey is going to be so upset.” I’m rambling. The words spill from my mouth, and maybe I’m not making sense, but I’m panicking.
“Angel, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Kelsey will understand.”
I start crying then, but he pulls me into his arms right away. The tears soak into his shirt, and his soft, soothing shushing eventually calms me.
I take a deep breath and look up at him. “I’m so scared, Grizz.”
“I know, Angel. And I’m so sorry. I know I say it all the time, and I know it doesn’t make a difference, but I won’t let anything happen to you or to her, and I wish I could take your fears away.”
I nod, unable to speak. I know he means everything that he says.
I know he would lay his life down for me and my daughter—our daughter.
I know it. But I don’t want him to have to do that, and that’s what scares me.
Because if he does, then he’ll be gone. I won’t have him.
We won’t have him. I hate that I’m even in this situation. I just want to be happy with my family.
“We don’t have to go anywhere,” he says again.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “No, I… I want to.”
“Are you sure?”
I nod, wiping my eyes and turning back to the closet. “As long as I can figure out what to wear.” I chuckle.
He steps into the closet and pulls down a hanger. It’s a cream colored T-shirt. Nothing special, but very comfortable.
“You look amazing in this.”
I take it from him and look it over. “Really?”
He nods. “Yeah, really. I like that color on you.”
A sigh falls from my lips, and I lean up on my tip-toes.
He meets me for a kiss that quickly turns heated.
Not for the first time my stomach flips, and I think of more with him.
He’s never pushed. Not once. Though I’ve felt him hard against me many times.
I like it. Like that he restrains himself, doesn’t push me, doesn’t even talk about it. Doesn’t apologize.
The hanger falls from my hand, and I tangle them around his neck as his hands tighten around my waist. He’s hard against my stomach, and I groan into his mouth. I want more from him.
I’m certain he’s waiting on my word, for my okay, for me to tell him to keep going. And I want to say it, but right now, there’s something else I need to do. I pull away, catching my breath with my hand on his chest.
“Grizz—”
“It’s okay. I understand,” he interjects quickly.
He steps back, but I take his hand. He looks from it, to me.
“I want to,” I assure him. “I really do. I just…”
“It’s okay that you’re not ready.” He takes my face between his hands and looks into my eyes. “It’s okay if you never will be. I will be here, no matter what. I don’t care about more, I just want to be able to kiss you and hold you.”
I shake my head, staring at him in awe.
“What did I do to deserve you?” I whisper, holding back tears because I’ve cried too much today already.
He smiles and leans down to kiss my forehead. “You existed.”