Chapter Forty
Anastacia
The house is dark, quiet, and chilly in a way that makes me uncomfortable. It’s an old house with drafty windows and doors, but when Grizz is here, I don’t notice any of it.
Somehow, even though Tommy and Kelsey are upstairs, the house feels empty… hollow.
I can just about make out the snowflakes coming down by the dim porch light. It’s been snowing for hours, and though I’ve always loved the snow, especially watching it fall, I don’t like it tonight. Tonight I feel… empty.
Dorothea has been sleeping for about an hour, and I expect she’ll wake soon. I should try to get some sleep, since it’s late into the night, but I don’t think I could sleep if I tried.
My leg is starting to cramp from the way I’m sitting on the couch, staring out the front window, but I don’t want to move. What I feel now is too close to what I felt then. And though my life now is nothing compared to that, I think it’s a reflex. My body’s way of shielding me from pain.
Because I do think this is going to hurt. It’s been hurting. Until today it’s spilling over a little, and I’m unable to ignore it.
I’m not sure how long it is before tires crunch along the snow-covered driveway and the headlights shine into the window. My heart does a flip, but not out of joy.
I’m relieved he’s home, but I’m sick to my stomach about what this means.
He’s been gone every night, late into the night, for the past couple of weeks.
He says it’s club stuff, but then why is Tommy never there? Why does Tommy know nothing about what he’s doing?
Sure, he’s new, and maybe this is how things go, but Tommy is Grizz’s brother…
you’d think he’d tell him something. Or you’d at least think he’d tell me something.
But all he does is avoid my questions. Leave after dinner.
Tell me he’ll be back soon. And he comes home at…
I glance at my phone. Nearly two in the morning.
I don’t know much about Grizz before he met me, but I can guess how he was.
I’ve heard jokes and stories, though never said directly to me.
Whenever I’m at the club with him and the baby, I see the way they look at us and then make remarks behind my back to him about how he’s finally settled down and is done with the fun life.
I know they’re men, and I know they’re joking and giving him shit, but there’s truth to it.
I try not to be offended or jealous, because what’s the point?
They’re just being guys and they don’t mean disrespect.
They’re just kind of dumb sometimes. But this? Staying out late. Being secretive.
Our relationship happened so quickly. It doesn’t make much sense.
Grizz just saw me and what? Fell in love and decided to end whatever fun life he had before?
That’s what happened. But maybe it’s real, and his past doesn’t matter—like mine.
Or maybe he’s changed his mind. Maybe he’s realized that a woman with more baggage than a cruise ship and a baby aren’t his cup of tea.
Maybe he’s ready to be done with me. Maybe, now that I have financial assistance, and have figured out how to mostly get by on my own, he wants me out.
Well, maybe if he had the balls to say it to my face, I’d do it.
It will hurt. It’s going to hurt so bad.
But I’ve dealt with enough pain in my life—I’ll manage, just like I always do.
Dorothea is my main priority these days.
And though I love what we have here, not only with Grizz and our baby, but with Tommy and Kelsey too, maybe this isn’t my happily ever after like in the fairytales.
Maybe this isn’t how things are supposed to be for me and my daughter.
Just like every other night, Grizz’s truck shuts off, the lights go dark, but he doesn’t get out right away. He hesitates, probably coming up with a cover story or checking for lipstick stains.
All the other nights, I’ve pretended to be asleep. I played dumb, acting like nothing was wrong. But I can’t do that anymore—I won’t. I need to know what the hell he’s doing and who he’s doing it with. It’s obvious this isn’t club shit. He’s out with a woman—or women.
The seconds pass like eons, until finally the truck door closes. I hear the crunch of the snow under his boots, up onto the porch, then the key sliding into the lock.
My heart pounds harder, and I swear I’m going to be sick. But I have to do this… for my sanity. For Dorothea. She deserves a good life. Not a life where I’m only half here because I’m too stressed to face reality. I can’t do that to her. I’ve done it to myself enough. She deserves more.
Grizz is careful when he comes into the house, trying to be quiet. He must assume I’m asleep. I’m pretty sure he also assumes I’m an idiot.
With his back to me, he closes the front door, takes his boots off, then his jacket. He turns to face me, and freezes, eyes going wide. A second or two passes and he smiles, pretending everything is okay.
“Hey, Angel.”
“Where were you?” I ask, though the words come out shaky.
“Just club shit. Sorry it’s so late.”
Be brave, Anastacia. Don’t let him do this to you.
I’ve let enough men walk all over me. I won’t let him do it, even if I love him. I can’t. It could very well be my undoing.
I take a deep breath, then get to my feet. “Tell me the truth, Grizz.”
His eyes narrow. “I am telling you the truth.”
Shaking my head, I say, “I don’t believe you.”
“Why would I lie?” he asks, sounding offended.
Maybe he isn’t lying? Maybe I’m the crazy one?
No… I’ve thought about this long and hard. I gave myself time to think about it so I would be sure when I confronted him. I purposely let this happen multiple times so I would be sure… so I knew I wasn’t overreacting.
“The same reason anyone else lies,” I say. “Because they’re too cowardly to be truthful.”
His brows shoot up this time. “Now hold on,” he says firmly, stepping closer, but I step back. He pauses, gritting his teeth. “I am not lying to you, Angel,” he says softly. “I have nothing to lie about.”
“Then where were you?”
He gestures toward the door. “I was out handling club business with Snapper.”
“Doing what?”
“You know I can’t tell you that.”
“And why not? Who am I going to tell? I don’t have any friends. No family. You worried I’m going to tell the baby?”
“Don’t be smart,” he says firmly.
“So, that’s the problem then? Am I too smart for you? Do you want me to be some dumb girl who stays in your house while you stay out all night, doing God knows what?”
His brow furrows, and he says, “What do you think I’m doing? Because I sure as fuck hope you don’t think I’m stepping out on you.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “What else am I supposed to think?”
“You’re supposed to trust me,” he growls, moving closer once again. This time, I don’t have anywhere to go. “You’re supposed to believe that I’m doing what I say I’m doing because I have no reason to lie to you.”
“That’s really hard to believe,” I say, holding back tears.
“Why?” he asks, like what I said was the most ridiculous thing possible. “Why is it so hard to think I’d be faithful to you? What have I ever done to make you think I wouldn’t be?”
He’s right.
He’s never done anything to make me think this. Not until now.
“Staying out late. Being shady about where you are and who you’re with.”
“I told you what I was doing. And I told you I can’t be specific about it. Don’t you think that if I was cheating on you, I’d come up with some elaborate story to make it more believable? Why the fuck would I give this as a story?”
Damnit. He’s right about that too.
“Maybe it’s easier than keeping up with too many lies,” I add, though I don’t really believe that. Do I?
Grizz isn’t a liar. I know he’s not.
At least… I thought he wasn’t? Now, I’m not so sure.
He sighs, running a hand through his hair. It drops to his side, then he raises both arms and drops them again like he can’t figure out what to say or how to act.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m not lying to you. I was not with any women, not a single one. You want me to call Snapper?”
He pulls his phone from his pocket, holding it up.
“As if he wouldn’t lie for you,” I say just above a whisper.
“Snapper?” He scoffs. “That asshole ain’t lying for anyone. You should know better than that.”
I shake my head again. “The only thing I’m certain of is that you’re part of an MC. And I know what that means. Loyalty. Don’t act like any guy in the club wouldn’t lie to save your ass.”
I turn on my heel and head down the hall and into the bedroom. I can’t argue with him about this. The more he talks, the more he makes me believe that I’m crazy and he isn’t doing anything wrong.
But is he?
I was so sure he was, but maybe I’m doing it to myself. Maybe I’m just worried because I love him, and because I know all these things are true… that if he was lying to me, I’d never know. Everyone around him would be on his side. They’d lie to me, and they’d stick up for him.
Maybe this isn’t about him cheating on me at all.
Maybe it’s about me being lonely because he’s gone all day… and because I don’t have anyone who’s loyal to me like that.