Chapter 44
Chapter Forty-Four
Anastacia
Christmas morning is here and I can do nothing to hide my excitement. I’m up before the sun, ready to open all the gifts under the tree. Though, I’m equally excited about seeing everyone else open what I bought them—maybe even more excited.
I never got this as a child, but I always wanted it.
I heard all the kids at school ranting and raving about how amazing Christmas was, but I never understood.
I never got anything. For me, it was just another day—only worse.
Christmas meant school vacation, which meant I was home more.
Which meant less food to eat and more time with the woman who gave birth to me and treated me like dog shit.
I won’t even call her my mother. She doesn’t deserve the title.
Last night, we were out late at the club, opening gifts with all the guys for their first annual Christmas Eve get-together.
It was sweet and fun and felt exactly like a family gathering should feel.
We laughed—a lot, because men do not know how to buy gifts for each other.
Most of what was given were bottles of alcohol or bike parts.
We’re going back again today for dinner, and for the first time, I’m looking forward to it.
Not that I wasn’t before, but I was nervous and uncomfortable because I felt like an outsider.
Now I’m fitting in more and I’m making friends.
With the rest of the house quiet, I carefully make my way into the kitchen to start breakfast. Dorothea has been sleeping longer after her two am feeding.
She should sleep until about seven. It’s nice to not be woken up every couple of hours.
My body is appreciating it. You don’t realize what sleep deprivation does to your body until you go through it.
I felt like a zombie for a little while.
Yet, here I am, wide awake and ready to go so early.
I open the browser on my phone and navigate to the recipe I saved for today.
I’d added everything I needed to the shopping list, but that was the easy part.
I’m getting better at cooking, but Grizz still helps me with a lot of things, so doing this all by myself is a huge deal.
Of course I’ve made a few easier things by myself, like all those days I make chicken soup for Kelsey.
The French Toast Bake doesn’t look difficult, but it does look delicious. I start by cutting up the bread, then mixing the eggs, milk, cream, and vanilla into a bowl. I follow the instructions carefully, layering the bread and sliced strawberries the way it tells me to.
Dorothea starts to fuss just as I put it into the oven, and I put the timer on before heading to her room.
Grizz is already in there, picking her up.
I stand in the doorway, watching him with her and tears sting my eyes.
His back is mostly to me, so I don’t think he can see me.
All I see are her little feet—one of which is missing a sock.
He’s rocking her, talking to her softly.
Seeing this giant of a man, who has done some pretty messed up things in life, be so sweet and soft for a baby, my baby, is by far one of the greatest things to ever see.
I am so lucky.
So damn lucky.
All the bad shit I’ve been through doesn’t matter anymore. This is what matters. My two loves. My family. My life.
I take a step into the room but then think better of it and go back to the kitchen. Letting him spend time with her on his own is good for both of them. I know he loves being helpful, and I’d bet anything he’ll come walking into the kitchen, smiling a mile wide with her in his arms.
I start a pot of coffee and get our mugs ready as I watch the outside world brighten. It does so quickly, the white of the snow reflecting the light from the sun coming up.
The coffee machine spits and hisses as it finishes brewing, and I fill each mug, then add creamer to mine and a little milk to Grizz’s. I hear his heavy feet on the floor, and turn just in time for him to walk in.
His grin, like I thought it would be, is a mile wide.
“There’s mama,” he says to Dorothea while looking at me.
She’s been changed into the Christmas outfit I picked out for her.
Well, one of two. I couldn’t pick between them!
“She looks so cute!” I say, walking to them and looking down at her.
“Of course she does.”
I take her from Grizz, holding her up so I can get a good look at the outfit. It’s a red plaid jumper with a white long-sleeved shirt underneath. The leggings are a little loose, and Grizz folded up the bottoms because I guess they’re long too.
“You’re the most beautiful girl ever.” I kiss her head.
“Don’t forget about you.” Grizz kisses mine. “Merry Christmas, Angel.”
I smile up at him, then pucker my lips. He kisses me again. “Merry Christmas, baby.”
Grizz goes to the counter to pick up his coffee. “What are you cooking? It smells good.”
“Found a recipe for this French Toast Bake thing. It looked good.”
I sit at the kitchen table and fix my shirt so I can feed Dorothea. Grizz comes over, putting my coffee in front of me, then sits on the other side.
The table is big enough for the four of us to eat, and we have our own seats now. Once Dorothea gets older, we’ll make room for her. The dining room is too fancy to eat in there, unless…
“What do you think about redoing the dining room one day?”
“Redoing it how?” he asks, not giving away what he thinks about it.
“Less… formal. Something that we can use and not feel weird about.”
He chuckles as he brings the mug to his lips, taking a sip. “I think that sounds great. Look up some dining sets that you like.”
“What do you want to do with that one? Will you store it somewhere?”
“Probably just get rid of it.”
“But I thought it was your parents’?”
I take a sip of my own coffee, that’s just the perfect temperature.
“It was, but I don’t need to hold on to their things to remember them. It’s outdated, so let’s just get rid of it. No one is using it.”
“As long as you’re sure?”
He rolls his eyes, leaning back in the chair. “Of course I’m sure.”
Dorothea finishes nursing while we drink our coffee. The food still has a few minutes left to cook, and each minute that passes, it smells better in here. My mouth is watering.
“What time do you think they’ll wake up?” I ask, gesturing upstairs.
“Same time as usual, I’m sure.”
Kelsey has been feeling a bit better, but still doesn’t want to tell Tommy, and even questioned if telling him on New Year’s, like we planned, was a good idea.
I’m torn.
I want her to tell him. I think it’s better for her to not do this alone. I can only be here so much. What she needs is her husband, but it’s not my call, so I just have to be a supportive friend, and do as she asks. Which I will.
But this news is killing me, and I really want to tell Grizz. I’m excited and it’s a struggle to keep it in. Still, I won’t betray Kelsey’s trust like that.
The oven beeps, and before I can move, Grizz gets up to check it.
“How do I know if it’s done?” he asks.
“Stick a toothpick in the center. Like a cake.”
It comes out clean, so he turns off the oven, puts on the mitts, and takes it out to let it cool.
“Fuck, that smells good.”
“You have to wait to eat it. I’m not even done with it yet.”
“It looks done to me,” he says, practically drooling as he looks down at it.
“You act like you’ve never eaten before.” I laugh.
“I haven’t eaten in like twelve hours.”
“Oh, you poor baby.”
He pours himself another cup of coffee and asks if I want one, but I decline.
Dorothea goes into her bouncer while I work on making the fresh whipped cream to go along with this French Toast. I’ve never had fresh whipped cream, so I don’t know what it’s supposed to look like or taste like, so I follow the recipe as best I can.
When it’s done, it’s freaking delicious.
“This is the best breakfast I’ve ever had,” Tommy says, patting his stomach.
“You’re lying,” I say with a roll of my eyes.
“I am not.”
I give him the really? look.
“I’m not lying,” he says adamantly. “This was delicious.”
“It was good,” Grizz adds.
“No, Griswold,” Tommy says firmly. “Not good. Delicious.”
“It was fucking spectacular,” he says dramatically. “Best shit I ever put in my mouth.” He leans close, and lowering his voice says, “Except your pussy.”
“I heard that!” Kelsey shouts with a laugh.
I shove Grizz away playfully.
“You girls go get the gifts sorted. We’ll clean up,” Tommy says, but doesn’t look like he’s going to move at all. The whole dish of food is gone. All of us certainly over-ate.
“You don’t have to tell me twice.” I get up and hurry out of the kitchen, Kelsey behind me.
“You leaving the baby in there?” she asks.
“They can manage.”
The tree has been accumulating gifts for over a week now. When things would come in, we’d wrap it right away, label it, and shove it under. There are so many, you’d think a bunch of kids lived here.
I start sorting them into piles, when I notice Kelsey is just standing there. When I look up at her, she looks like she’s about to cry.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
She chews on her lip, staring at the boxes on the ground.
“Kelsey?”
Taking a deep breath, her gaze flicks to me. “I had an idea, but I wasn’t sure if I should do it.”
“What idea? About what?”
She glances at the kitchen quickly, then back at me. “I wanted to wrap the test and give it to Tommy.”
My hand comes up to cover my mouth, and I really have to fight back tears. I’m pretty sure my period is coming or something, because everything makes me want to cry the past couple of days.
“Kels, that’s a beautiful idea.”
“I’m just so scared.”
I get up and go to her for a hug. “I know it’s scary, but you have us. We will be here for you through this. I promise.”
I really have no idea what to say to someone who has gone through this and continues to go through this. I can’t imagine how she feels, and I know my words won’t do anything. But I hope that knowing she has someone who will support her no matter what will help even a little.
She stares at the Christmas Tree deep in thought, then nods. “I’m going to do it.”
“Yeah?” I say, louder than I should have.
Her smile is a little forced, but she says, “Yes. I want to share this with him. And if something—”
“Hey,” I say softly, getting into her line of vision. “Let’s focus on the good, yeah? It’s Christmas. Let’s celebrate. Be happy. Enjoy family. This is good news, Kels. Enjoy it.”
“Okay… Yeah. Yes. Keep him occupied for a few?”
“Absolutely.”
She hurries upstairs, and I head into the bathroom to get my crying out so I don’t ruin everyone’s Christmas.